THE FINAL DAY: Hedwig on Broadway Countdown! We're Talking To Phil Collins' People!

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

If you are an avid reader of LilyOnTheLam, you will know that about 9 or 10 days ago, I started counting down the days until I see my favorite movie musical "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" on Broadway starring Neil Patrick Harris.

Since I am incredibly lazy, I have wondered several times throughout this "journey" why I didn't start the countdown on say Day 2 1/2.  But I have had fun researching clips to include on each day, so hopefully you have enjoyed it as well.  And if you didn't, go turn on your TV to be entertained then.  Geez!

There are so many great "tongue in cheek" lines from Hedwig.  The following scene is not only one of my favorites, but one of my absolute favorite songs from the musical.  I hope you enjoy!

"We're talking to Phil Collins' people ... but then again, aren't we all?"

  

New Product Wednesdays: Is This Fish Delish? Trader Joe's Gluten Free Battered Halibut

Happy New Product Wednesday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

If you are a regular reader, you probably know that on Wednesdays I feature a review of a new product or a product that is new to me.

In honor of the South Tampa Trader Joe's which opened last month, I have been featuring reviews of some of their latest products.  For this New Product Wednesday, I am featuring an item from their freezer section:  Trader Joe's Gluten Free Battered Halibut.

I love, love, love fish and chips.  Deep fried fish and potatoes- what's not to love?  Throw some malt vinegar and fresh ground sea salt on there and I am in heaven!

I have been trying to eat light, but when I am craving something really naughty I like to bake a piece of battered or panko breaded fish to feel like I am having a "fast food" type experience without the fast food calorie count.  Listen, when you are dieting, you have to do whatever trick helps you!  

Two pieces of the Trader Joe's battered halibut are 170 calories.  The batter is light and crispy.  However I found the fish to be rather thin and therefore not a lot of flavor in comparison to the batter.  I would rate it as "Just OK."

In comparison, if you're looking for a good frozen fish, I prefer the Trident Seafoods Panko Breaded Tilapia in the freezer section at Costco.  One piece is 180 calories, but is is much thicker, savory and overall feels like you're eating something much more caloric.  Even though I can have two pieces of the Trader Joe's battered halibut for roughly the same calories as one piece of the Trident Seafoods breaded tilapia, my taste buds and stomach much prefer the tilapia.

So if you're looking for a good frozen fish to satisfy a fish and chips craving, I'd recommend you bypass Trader Joe's and if you are a Costco member, go their frozen food aisle instead.

TWO DAYS LEFT: The Hedwig Countdown Continues! A Trail of Rainbow Carnage!

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

There are TWO DAYS LEFT until I see Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway!  I know this may not seem like a monumental event in your own personal life, but you are wrong.  If you have not been marking the countdown in your calendar, you are probably also the type who hate kittens for being so adorable.

OK I am kidding, joking, seriously ... relax!  Now get a sharpie marker and start marking that calendar!  Oh, you keep your calendar on your smartphone?  Oops ... well consider that sharpie marking to be graffiti art.  You're the next Banksy!

Because the owl in Harry Potter was also named Hedwig, when I look for Hedwig and the Angry Inch clips to include on my Hedwig countdown I find a lot of owl stuff.  I actually considered posting one here to see if anyone would notice/comment.  However life is difficult enough that you don't need to see some nocturnal spooky eyed bird when you're looking for a transgendered international song stylist.  Am I right or am I right?

So on this "two days left" post, I give you not an owl but a YouTube clip from the movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch, the uploader said this is his/her favorite scene from the movie - and it's one of mine too.  I have quoted the "Trail of Rainbow Carnage" speech way too many times that I should be ashamed.  But I am NOT!  And the "Little Bishop in a Turtleneck" line makes me laugh every single time.  So check it out by clicking here!   

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Happy Tuesday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

There is a saying that all attention, even negative attention is still attention.  There's another saying that any pizza- even bad pizza - is still good.  I think that this could apply to receiving gifts as well - as long as people are giving you gifts, no matter what they are, it's still a good gift.

Unless you have friends who are psychotic.

Then gifts from psychotic friends may not be so great.

I'm not sure how my friend Pookie St. Claire managed to get an internet connection in the Looney Bin, but he must have because he ordered a gift and had it sent to my home.  Maybe he bribed an orderly?  I wouldn't put anything past Pookie St. Claire.

A lovely little box came for me in the mail.  Pookie St. Claire had ordered business cards for me!  My favorite kind the Mini Cards from Moo.Com.

Well this all seems very nice … but why is Pookie St. Claire ordering business cards for me?  I am the CEO of "Being 1000% Fabulous All The Time" and the COO of "So Sexy I Don't Know How You All Can Stand It!" but I already have business cards for all those roles!  

I slid some of the mini cards out of the box and then I saw the deviousness (a.k.a. pure evil) of Pookie St. Claire's ways.

Take a look at what was on the back of the business cards …

Cats, Cats and MORE CATS.  Yes, each mini business card had a cat on the back of it.  Did the front say:  "Lily On The Lam, Crazy Cat Lady since 1427"?  

There's a reason Pookie St. Claire is confined to a mental ward and THIS IS WHY!

I really deserve hazard pay for dealing with such sinister people!

I don't even know how to end this blog post … I think the cat cards just speak for themselves!

Oh Pookie St. Claire, you evil genius ...

Three Days Until Hedwig: THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES! Hedwig Makeup Tutorial

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

About a week ago I started my countdown until I am attending "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" on Broadway.  Each day of my countdown, I include a mini post after my regularly scheduled "day" post.  If you haven't read my previous Hedwig countdown posts, drop everything you are doing (unless it is open heart surgery - and if so, why are you reading a blog during it?  Sheesh!) and go back and read my previous posts.  I'll wait for you here while I hum Jeopardy-theme music until you return.

Hi!  Welcome back!  Why is there blood on your ER scrubs?  Umm... OK maybe I'll just pretend I didn't see that.

I love Hedwig so very much, but when I was in Orlando at The Social for a Jay Brennan concert I found out that my love for Hedwig is only at an amateur level.  I met a man who had the same tattoo as Hedwig does in the movie.  Except it's on his arm, not his butt like the movie has it.  I thought "Wow, that is DEDICATION!"  One reason I really enjoy Hedwig is because there is a heavy undercurrent of Plato's Symposium running throughout the storyline.  Yes, Plato!  Not Play-dough.  One of my many degrees is an English major.  Another is 450 - on my toaster oven.

For "three days left" in the Hedwig, I include this fabulous YouTube makeup tutorial on how to make yourself look like Hedwig.  (I love YouTube!  There's a video for EVERYTHING!)  So even if you cannot see Hedwig on Broadway, you can make yourself look like Hedwig!

  

But I Don't Want To Be Nice To Everyone!

Happy Monday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

Being non-Caucasian in an almost all Caucasian elementary school was not the most fun experience in the world.  I was thoroughly bullied.  I had an arch-nemesis who basically thought he was put on Earth to make my life miserable.  I was like six years old, for God's sake!  No one should have an arch-nemesis when they are six!   I'm not Batman!

One day at the bus stop, the arch-nemesis was thoroughly ridiculing me as usual.  The daughter of a lovely woman who babysat for me, was also at the bus stop.  We'll call her "Lady J" for short.  She was a grade ahead of me.  I was young for my grade, since I had skipped kindergarten and had a summer birthday.  I was mentally ill-equipped to deal with mental torture.

Treat others as you would wish to be treated was definitely not working with this elementary school rageaholic bully!  

Lady J has no recollection of this day and is highly skeptical that she would have done the following, but it happened, trust me!  

After witnessing the arch-nemesis relentlessly bully me, Lady J leaned over and whispered in my ear a piece of true information about the bully.  She told me that if I said this information out loud, the bully would shut up.  

I was disbelieving, this bully was like the Terminator.  But I gathered up all the courage I could muster in my little tubby six year old body and spat out the information Lady J had given me in the most snide, condescending voice I could muster. 

"Oh yeah?  Well at least I am not __________."

Bullseye.    

The bully's face contorted and he started to cry.  He stopped teasing me (for the moment).  I had about 15 minutes of peace.  (By end of the school day, he was back at it even worse.)  

I was IN AWE.  For one very brief moment, I had silenced my tormentor.  And honestly, I wasn't trying to hurt him.  I just wanted him to leave me alone.  A very brief victory.  

You may wonder why I have such a crystal clear recollection of this event from 6783 years ago.  It's because it was one of the rare few moments where I had the upper hand against a bully.  It lasted a millisecond, but when you live in a war zone you cherish any moment of peace.

I was spit on, beat up, had mud thrown at me, ridiculed, threatened - and basically had my life made miserable until I reached the 8th grade.  Then for whatever reason, the bullying started to dissipate.  By the 10th grade, it had pretty much stopped altogether.  

I look at kids today and I thank God I grew up before the age of social media.  The amount of harassment kids can heap on each other - texting, sexting, Facebook, Reddit, Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram -- so many public venues to spread venom 24/7.  It's like bullies hired a global advertising firm.  Could you imagine if everywhere you looked there was a negative message about you?  Sure reality TV stars may feel this way, but THEY CHOOSE to appear on TV.  They get paid, they have endorsements.  What average American teenager is getting their own hair product or salsa line in return for being called stupid, ugly, fat, too skinny, etc., etc.?    

I know it's easy to dismiss children's issues as "oh that's just kids being kids."  But in all honesty, I have to say I have never felt the extreme levels of pain, stress, torture, torment and harassment in any other stage of my life that I experienced as a child.  I was little - how the heck would I have developed any life skills or esteem skills to ward off psychological warfare?  My only coping mechanism was self-destruction.

If I were thrown back in that situation today, I would be suicidal or frankly probably dead.  If a child reaches out to you; please listen, understand and try to help.  They are fighting a tough fight on a daily basis.  

I know the campaign "It Gets Better" may seem trite for kids to hear, but it really does get better.  I remember plotting elaborate revenge fantasies when I was young.  It was the only way I could channel my rage and frustration.  But for me personally, as I grew older, thoughts of revenge faded away because I was too busy living my life.  A very good life.  

Living well really is the best revenge.

I still keep in touch with Lady J, although not as frequent as I would like.  She lives in the Pacific Northwest in a cute home with a gorgeous back deck where she grows blueberries and other plants.  She and her boyfriend have two pugs that they dress up in hoodies.  Pugs in Hoodies are basically the most perfect thing on Earth.  Lady J's neighbor has chickens and gives them fresh eggs.  A very idyllic life indeed.    

When I deactivated my Facebook account, Lady J created a Twitter account to keep track of me.  (You never know when I am going to become a spree serial killer.  It's important to stay tuned.)  However she told me that she was not going to tell me which one of my millions (OK hundreds) of followers she was.  Her Twitter handle would have no personal identifying information.  Oh the Lady likes to be mysterious!

My first thought was "What?  If I don't know which one of my Twitter followers is Lady J, I'm going to have to be nice to everyone!  I don't want to be nice to everyone!"  This was going to put a serious crimp in my curmudgeon-ness!  How can I be a cranky old broad if I have to be nice to people?  Ugh, the horror!

Imagine having to treat each of my Twitter followers like they might actually be a friend!  What a revolting thought!  (KIDDING!  Seriously!)  

Since I am not a 13 year old bitchy mean girl, I usually do not start my day trying to make the lives of strangers on social media miserable.  But I am snarky and sarcastic - which definitely can be misread/misunderstood, especially on a 140 character medium like Twitter.  Luckily, so far (knock on wood), I have never been in the most ridiculous of battles: "a Twitter war."  I do try to be nice most of the time.  

Treating all users of Twitter (or other social media) like they might be a beloved old childhood friend behind the computer screen is probably not a bad way to approach people.

Although some people will always feel the need to fight or stir up drama.  Maybe they are trying to fill a hole in themselves.  Maybe they are just sadists.  Who knows?  

One thing that I do know for sure, Lady J has been teaching me life lessons across decades.  Which is a true gift.  

Four Days Until Hedwig: The Countdown Continues! Neil Patrick Harris Takes On Screaming Audience Member

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

In addition to my regular blog posts, I have been adding a 2nd "mini" post each evening (US Eastern Time) counting down the days until I see "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" on Broadway.  I am very excited, but also somewhat apprehensive because I love the movie so much.  I really hope the musical on stage won't be a let down.  If you read that a woman threw her shoe at Neil Patrick Harris and screamed "You're no John Cameron Mitchell, Doogie!"  Well let's hope I get away from the police running with only one shoe.

I kid!  (I hope!)  I do think they made a good casting choice, so at least I am not going in with an "Anne Rice pissy they picked Tom Cruise for Vampire Lestat" face.  I also have already scanned the merchandise from the show.  (Every thing is a shopping opportunity in Lily World!)

I assume each of you spends an hour or seven a night praying for the good of mankind.  So after you light candles in prayers for starving people, ending wars, success for your favorite sports team; if you could light a candle for "I hope Lily enjoys Hedwig on Broadway" I would appreciate it.  ;-)

For our "four days left" post, I include ... a clip of Neil Patrick Harris on David Letterman yelling at an audience member as "Hedwig."  Hopefully I won't be the next audience member he has to yell at!  Click here to watch!



 

Welcome To Florida! Romance and Cannibalism

Happy Sunday LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

This month marks my 10th anniversary of living in Florida.  I cannot believe I have been here for ten years.  Where does the time go?  Now for six of those years, I traveled constantly for work so that is probably why I didn't get sick of Florida right away.  I am a fickle person who is used to moving every couple of years.  

Combine my dislike of winter cold with a depressed housing market and the recession and voila!  I'm still enjoying Florida!  Some of my Floridian neighbors do not appreciate being the butt of America's jokes about our crazy crimes.  They feel that other states have just as many bizarre criminals as we do.  (Yeah, we're looking at YOU, Texas!)  

But I fully embrace our status as "America's Australia" (to steal a line from the TV show "30 Rock.")  I was recently tweeting about Florida with a Savannah, GA tweeter.  I typed "If you have a face, we'll eat it!"  

This was a reference to the Miami guy who tried to eat the face off a live, conscious homeless man.  Time Magazine called it a "cannibalistic ambush."  (Which is SO going to be the name of my next band ... as soon as I get some talent.)

What I hadn't heard, according to Time Magazine, that the alleged cannibal stated to the homeless man: 

"You're going to be my wife, and this is going to be a lover's concerto," while singing the 1960's song `Lover's Concerto.'

He allegedly said this before he tried to eat the guy's face off. 

If someone was going to try to eat my face, would I appreciate the extra added bit of "romance" before the act?  Hmmm.  No, I think if I had a wish I'd just want the guy to stop trying to eat my face.

Luckily, I have managed to live here ten years without having my face eaten (knock on wood).  I also haven't been killed for wearing a hoodie and carrying Skittles.  I haven't been assaulted then buried alive to suffocate in a plastic garbage bag.  I haven't been reported kidnapped by an imaginary nanny.  I didn't win the lottery, then been murdered and buried under a patio concrete slab.  I haven't accepted an offer of a boat ride only to be thrown overboard bound at the hands and feet to drown with two family members.

Ugh … so much evil.  So much crime.

I read the following quote on Twitter a couple weeks ago.  It made me sad because it was (probably inadvertently) posted around the time of the South Korea ferry disaster.  But it is a very true statement.

"An entire sea of water can't sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship.  Similarly, the negativity of the world can't put you down unless you allow it to get inside you."

We choose what we internalize and take to heart.  If someone has offended you, you can hold it close to your chest like squeezing a handful of broken glass.  Or you can let it go.  It is your choice what to let in and what to push away.  It is your choice to fill yourself with happiness or negativity.  

The picture below is my neighborhood in Tampa, Florida.  Many mornings the rowing teams go by.  I'll see rays and water fowl, occasionally some dolphins or even a lost manatee.  

When I think of Florida, this is what I try to picture.  Not all the evil crimes.     
  

          
On this Sunday, I hope your ship is filled with positivity versus negativity.  

I also hope you're not eating someone's face.  Thanks for reading!  
  

Five Days Left - Hedwig Countdown! Sugar Daddy Car Wash!

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

If you are a regular reader of LilyOnTheLam.Com, you will know that I am counting down the days until I see my absolute favorite musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway starring Neil Patrick Harris.

I am going to need some industrial duct tape to keep myself from singing along with EVERY SONG.  My friend Ms. Ohio and I went to the Jennifer Nettles concert recently.  There was a woman who sat directly behind us - a disaster in polyester - who sang most of the songs at the top of her lungs.  Poor dear was tone deaf - and we were just deaf by the end of the concert.  I like to sing, but I have the lyrical songstress voice of someone slowly killing a mongoose.  So I keep my "concerts" to my car when I am alone.  This is proper etiquette, people!  We paid to see the singer on stage, not to hear a train wreck's high-pitched natural catastrophe!  She was lucky I didn't stab her in the throat.  (Oops did I admit that IN TEXT?)  

To get in the mood for Hedwig (which hopefully won't have tone deaf audience members singing every song - unless that tone deaf person is me!), I am posting "mini LilyOnTheLam" posts each day until I see the show!   Today is "Five Days left."  

Today's countdown clip is from the movie "Hedwig and the Angry Inch."  It is the song "Sugar Daddy."  This song makes me want to put on a fringe skirt and play "car wash" on poor elderly folk everywhere.  Watch the clip to find out why!

Would You Manufacture A Humiliating Lie For Money?

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

"TrueTori" - a short "documentary-style" reality TV series about Tori Spelling and her husband's life after the alleged cheating scandal debuted on the Lifetime Network this week.  Accompanying the debut were also various stories on the internet alleging that Tori and her husband faked the "cheating scandal."

Tori Spelling has admitted to financial problems, so the question some viewers may be asking is whether a couple would manufacture a humiliating lie in exchange for money?  Was this a case of desperate times call for desperate measures?  Or was this a case of a scorned wife wanting her husband to be publicly humiliated like she was?  Or just simply another exploitative reality TV show?

Even though I am universally loved and adored (ha ha), I am not famous.  Tori Spelling has been tabloid fodder for years, so maybe she wouldn't mind playing a game with the tabloids to pay her bills.  She could see this as just another acting role.  But still, I myself, could not imagine making up a humiliating story where people would mock, ridicule, pity, laugh at me, etc.

Since it is widely known that Tori Spelling and her husband cheated on their respective now former spouses when they began their relationship, I feel like their current situation invites people to say "Once a cheater, always a cheater" or "What did you expect?  He cheated on his wife to be with you.  Did you really think he would be faithful to you?"  So if Tori Spelling did manufacture a story where basically the whole world could chime in and say "I told you so," woof - I could not even imagine wanting to take that on - no matter what the financial gain!  

And if the cheating was a real event, I still couldn't imagine dissecting my relationship for all the world to chime in.  It is a little too "Gladiator Days" for my emotional psyche! 

But who knows?  There's always been an art to publicity and "reality TV."  Even back in the golden age of film, big screen movie stars who had babies out of wedlock may disappear out of sight and then say they adopted the child.  Relationships were manufactured to try to promote heterosexual movie personas.  So is it a big jump to think in 2014 that someone wouldn't be willing to manufacture a farce?

I have only watched a couple episodes of Tori Spelling's various reality television shows over the years.  Her husband always kind of "cheesed" me out, so I wasn't interested in viewing more.  I did watch the first episode of "True Tori."  One of her friends seemed too smiley for this to be true/accurate.  But again, who knows?  Sometimes people smile or laugh when uncomfortable.  I know one woman who makes the creepiest laugh when she is emotionally uncomfortable in a situation.  I want to light some aromatherapy candles and beg her to NEVER make that awful noise.

The cheating scandal may be true.  It may be manufactured reality TV.  It could be all lies.  At this point, does it really matter?  I guess I would rather spend my energy feeling compassion for those around me who need it versus wondering about the marital issues of a reality TV show actress.  (Sorry Tori!)

However with the launch of the new TV series "True Tori" this week, I wanted to share my one and only Tori Spelling story.  A million years ago, I lived in Los Angeles.  Hollywood, to be exact.  It was a lot of shopping, drinking, partying, clubbing and dinners at 3 a.m.  Sigh - I miss living in a city where amazing restaurants stay open until 4 a.m. or later. 

There was an amazing California style pizza bistro in Hollywood that was open until 4 a.m.  It was always packed between Midnight until close.  The pizza was thin crust amazing deliciousness with the freshest "frou frou" toppings.  There was usually at least an hour long wait for the late night, after bar/club diners.  But oh, the pizza was so worth it.

One late night, four of us waited an hour to get a table and then waited what felt like 17 years to get our gigantic pizza.  The restaurant was packed, but suddenly the staff started moving people over and bringing in new tables.  Somehow they had managed to create a table for 12 in the center of the small restaurant that had previously been packed.  Our table was right next to the end of this table.  A limo pulled up and young, incredibly good-looking 20somethings in formal wear came spilling out.  They walked right in, past a line of angry hungry drunk people waiting in line for tables. 

The party of 12 had come from a wedding reception.  They were very tipsy and jovial.  I noticed at the head of the table on the opposite end of us was Tori Spelling.  She looked tired and none of these fun, very attractive party people were talking to her.  She just sat there while everyone around her was laughing and enjoying themselves.  She looked so alone.  

The pizzas at this restaurant are incredibly huge, so we still had half a pizza left even though the four of us had eaten until our stomachs were bulging.  The four wedding guests who sat closest to us joked that they would buy our leftovers.  Even though this party was able to jump the line and get a table for 12 where there had previously been no tables, they still had to wait over an hour for food like we had.  

We laughed with the tipsy wedding guests sitting near us but then to their surprise; we handed them our leftovers.  They were super appreciative.  They grabbed knives like they were arming for a prison fight and divided up the remaining slices like they were rationing for the winter.  Soon everyone at the table was eating our leftovers.  Except for Tori.  I couldn't understand why no one was talking to her.  I don't think they even offered her a piece of pizza.  There were people only inches from her on either side and yet it was like either she isolated herself in a bubble or they did.  It was all very confusing.  I wondered if Tori would be paying the check for the table.

Many people will say the "poor little rich girl" line about Tori Spelling, but when I think of her I just think of a 25 year old sitting in a restaurant, looking miserable.  Alone but not alone.  I never cared for the Tori Spelling I had seen on TV prior to this point, but that night I really wanted to give her a hug.  Usually when you see celebrities in public, there may be some envy or jealousy factor.  I was not envying Tori at all that night and in fact I felt like I was having the more fun night and possibly life. 

When I lived in Los Angeles, I had the opportunity to meet various actors - some more famous than others.  Some had major money, gorgeous homes, fabulous cars … some were still struggling to make any kind of living.  It was an eye-opening deglamorization of the world of "acting."  I remember learning quickly that things are not always what they seem.  Everyone has ups and downs.  Just some people have these ups and downs in a $30 million dollar house.  

I seriously need to cut back my reality TV watching and do something much more productive!

Thank you for reading!          

Six Days Left: Countdown To Hedwig! Amanda Palmer & John Cameron Mitchell singing "Midnight Radio"

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

If you are a regular reader of LilyOnTheLam.Com, you will know that I am counting down the days until I see my absolute favorite musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway starring Neil Patrick Harris. 

To get in the mood, I am posting "mini LilyOnTheLam" posts each day until I see the show!   Today is "Six Days left."  

Today's countdown clip is Amanda Palmer and Hedwig creator/movie star John Cameron Mitchell doing "Midnight Radio" from Hedwig and the Angry Inch at the "Purple Reign New Year's Eve."

Click here for the clip!

Banana Vs. Banana - An Epic Tale of Pie in Los Angeles

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

Sometimes you just need a piece of pie.  But sometimes your waistline really does not need a piece of pie!  

When I went to Los Angeles for a mini vacation, I decided I was going to lift the caloric restrictions and have a piece of banana cream pie.  I love pie in general.  I can't think of a pie flavor that I don't enjoy on at least some level.

I was near the La Brea tar pits when the pie craving hit.  Right next door is Marie Callender's (a.k.a. Callender's Grill) - which most people know only for the frozen food brand with the same name.  Growing up in the Midwest, we did not have Marie Callender's.  It reminds me of Perkins Restaurant & Bakery.  Callender's is known for their pies, so I decided this was fate telling me to take a break and have dessert.    

Bakery section of Callender's Grill

The restaurant was packed with happy families.  It's a homey, lovely place.  I ordered a slice of banana cream pie from a waiter who looked like actor Chris Evans' stand-in.  He brought me a slice of pie.  I looked down at it and said "Um, I think this is coconut cream not the banana cream pie I ordered."

The waiter looked at me like I was nuts and then said: "Why do you think that?"

"Um, because it is covered in coconut?"

He picked up the plate, held it eye level and stared at the pie like a cop interrogating school kids.  

"Hmmmm…. maybe?"  He said as he stared down the pie.  "Let me check."

After a few minutes, he came back with this piece of pie.  He said reassuringly "You were right.  That was coconut."

I, never doubting my pie sleuthing skills, just gave him a smile.

I didn't expect a high class piece of pie from Marie Callender's.  It is after all an inexpensive restaurant chain.  But I was disappointed because I remembered them having much better pies when I used to live in Los Angeles.  This piece of pie was just OK.  It was certainly not worth the calories though.  (However if you are craving really awesome "steak" wedge fries, do stop by Marie Callender's because they can't be beat!)

My pie craving was not satiated by this sad piece of pie.  Sigh.  More calories would need to be ingested before I could get this pie monkey off my back.

I had previously been to the "The Original Farmers' Market" complex on Fairfax.  This is one of my favorite places to go on a lazy weekend day.  It's especially good if you want to grab something to eat with a large group of people who all have different tastes.  You want donuts?  We got you covered.  You want Malaysian food?  Yep!  It's a lovely space with tables around food stands.  There are also several regular style restaurants around the "food court" like area.  

One of the restaurants is DuPar's Restaurant and Bakery.  It is an old-school style comfort food diner delight.  I knew that if I wanted a decent piece of pie, I needed to head back to the Farmers' Market.

So the next night, after attending the 10th Anniversary Lost TV Show Reunion at Paley Fest, I headed to Du-Par's.  I ordered the banana cream pie and was actually brought a piece of banana cream pie.  

This is what my stomach had been waiting for.  Light, custardy, filled with bananas and topped with an avalanche of whipped cream with a buttery flaky crust.  Banana Cream Pie craving officially satisfied!

The best banana cream pie I have ever had was at a wine store in Des Moines, Iowa.  On weekends the wine store opened up their back room and did a set meal with selected wines.  My friend was living in Des Moines at the time and I was in town for a visit.  I remember being served a pork chop as big as my head.  Hello Iowa!  

For dessert, we were served a banana cream pie tartlet with a chocolate chip cookie crust.  The cookie had been brushed with a rum glaze.  Layers of banana with the richest pastry cream ever were next.  Then a generous layer of sweetened whipped cream.  I have tried to duplicate this tart many times over the years and have failed miserably.  It seems so simple and yet I just can't get it right.

If I am craving a really decadent piece of pie, I will head to the Capital Grille.  They have a coconut cream pie tart that is to die for.  It is a vanilla cookie-like tart shell filled with incredibly rich coconut cream and whipped cream.  One of these days I am going to sneak a banana into the restaurant, slice it up and cover the Capital Grille's coconut cream tart with banana slices.  Then I would REALLY be in Heaven.

Ummm… perhaps I have said too much.  

I really like pie.  What can I say?    

Seven Days Until Hedwig and the Angry Inch - The Countdown Continues! Korean cover band singing "Tear Me Down"

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

If you are a regular reader of LilyOnTheLam.Com, you will know that I am counting down the days until I see my absolute favorite musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway starring Neil Patrick Harris. 

To get in the mood, I am posting "mini LilyOnTheLam" posts each day until I see the show!   Today is "Seven Days left."  

Today's countdown clip is a Korean cover band doing "Tear Me Down" from Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  There is a line in the movie that says "Don't you know me, Kansas City?  I'm the new Berlin Wall.  Try to tear me down!"  When I am dealing with particularly crazy people, I hear this line in my head.  Or maybe it's just my split personalities emerging through ... who knows? 

I dedicate this in honor of my friend Ms. B who with a Korean friend are learning Vietnamese.

Click here for the clip!  

The Seven Year Quest Satisfied

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

In March, I went to Los Angeles, California to attend three of the events at Paley Fest.  Once upon a time, I lived in Hollywood, California.  For this trip, I rented a studio apartment through Airbnb.com that was three buildings down from my former apartment.  It was in the historic Nirvana building on Orange Drive, across the street from the Hollywood and Highland Shopping Complex and the home of the Oscars, the Dolby Theater.

While I have flown through LAX - Los Angeles airport several times in the last couple years on my way to Australia, Malaysia, Taiwan and Japan; I haven't been in the city itself in seven long years.  

The last time I visited Los Angeles, we booked a retired gentleman turned chauffeur named Jerry and his limo for the day.  He drove us from Hollywood to the Los Olivos wine country.  We "limo-ed" to like eight or more wineries (the day all blurs together after so much wine). We loaded up that limo with all sorts of mad, drunken purchases.  (Trust me, buying a coonskin cap for a wine bottle from the Fess Parker Winery sounds like a brilliant idea when you are inebriated!  Buy yours online by clicking this link!)

When we finally arrived back at our hotel after about 12 hours, we did a pratfall out of the limo like Edina and Patsy from "Absolutely Fabulous."  The bellman basically loaded us and all of our shopping bags (like 30!) onto a cart and wheeled us inside.  I am ever grateful to the kindness of strangers in uniforms.  

(Side Note:  Check out this hysterical YouTube clip video of many drunken antics scenes from "Absolutely Fabulous.")

  
When I moved from Los Angeles, my last meal was a spicy Polish dog with coleslaw from the iconic Pink's Hot Dogs on La Brea Avenue at Melrose Avenue.  One of my male friends must have turned me on to this particular flavor combination, because I definitely would not have picked it on my own.  Cole slaw on a hot dog?  I mean, seriously!

But trust me - it works.  The fiery heat of the spicy Polish sausage with the cool, creaminess of the coleslaw.  It is my FAVORITE menu item from Pink's.

When I returned to Los Angeles seven years ago, I dragged my friend to Pinks and forced her to eat a spicy Polish dog with coleslaw.  She was skeptical but she loved it just as much as I did.

Then a few years after that visit, I was in Las Vegas.  I became very excited to see that there was a Pink's Hot Dogs at Planet Hollywood.  I stood in a very long line.  It didn't have the same street-savvy feel as standing in the massive Los Angeles Pink's lines, but a line is still a line.  When I finally reached the register to order, I was very angry to find that Pink's only had hot dogs and not the Polish sausage.  I felt cheated!  A regular Hoffy's brand hot dog (that Pink's sells) with coleslaw is just not the same!

Side Note:  The Pink's Las Vegas menu now says it has "Polish sausage" but not "spicy Polish sausage."  I'll be headed to Vegas soon, so I may have to stop at Pink's to see what the story is.

Needless to say, since it had been seven years since I had a proper Pink's spicy sausage with coleslaw; I was definitely going to Pink's as soon as I arrived in Los Angeles.  I hate to admit this, but I have dreamed about this spicy dog!  (Hello, my name is Lily and I am a food addict!)

As soon as my plane landed at LAX, I grabbed my bags, rented a scarily shaky Ford Fiesta (hey, I'm not made of money!) and high-tailed it to Pink's.  OK actually I went to check-in and the sublet first.  Then I walked from the sublet to Pink's (3 miles roundtrip) because I knew I was going to be ingesting a lot of calories!

Even at 2:30 p.m. on a Friday, there was a big old long line.  I settled in, went to my "Happy Place" mentally and about 25 minutes later I was at the front of the line.

I was almost giddy as I placed my order - "Spicy Polish Dog with Coleslaw, por favor!"  To make things even calorically worse, I ordered French Fries (even though I hate seasoned French Fries) … with cosmic orange nacho cheese (to drown out the seasoned taste)!  Oh and a diet Coke … because I'm "eating healthy."

Pink's has indoor and outdoor seating.  It was unseasonably warm in Los Angeles while I was visiting, so I chose an open table indoors.  The walls are covered with head shots of famous actors, singers, athletes and local celebrities.  Next to my table was a picture of the singer P!nk, which I thought was pretty appropriate.

  
I grabbed 12,000 napkins and was ready to begin the meal that would end my seven year quest for spicy dog perfection.

It was everything I remembered and more!  It was so delicious!  But so much food!  I couldn't even finish the spicy Polish dog and barely made a dent in the French fries.  How did I used to be able to inhale these?  Oh youth!

I also had to come to terms with a sad fact, sitting under the picture of P!nk in front of my Pink's dog.  I think I have gotten too old for the spicy Polish dog.  It was blisteringly hot and spicy with a red inside speckled with peppers.  What happened to the iron clad stomach of my youth?  Was I too old for a spicy dog?  Would I have to (gasp!) start ordering regular Polish dogs with coleslaw?  Ohhh the bloom is off my rose!  I'm old!  What's next?  A walker with tennis balls on it?

About halfway through the dog, I was forcing myself to eat more.  I think I was trying to prove I could still handle it.  I finally gave up with about 1/4 left.  My stomach was gurgle-y the rest of the day wondering what the hell I had done to it!

I'm still glad Pink's Hot Dogs was my first stop.  It really is a Los Angeles icon that every stomach should visit at least once.  I don't know when I will be back to Los Angeles, but I can tell you that when I do I will be back at Pink's.  However I am not sure whether I will be getting the spicy or regular.  Growing old sucks!

Eight Days Until Hedwig and the Angry Inch - The Countdown Continues! Richard Barth singing Wig In A Box!

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

I am counting down the days until I see my absolute favorite musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway starring Neil Patrick Harris.  

To get in the mood, I am posting "mini LilyOnTheLam" posts each day until I see the show!

Today's countdown clip is Richard Barth from the traveling production of "Les Miserables" singing the classic Hedwig and the Angry Inch song "Wig In A Box."

ENJOY!

New Product Wednesdays: Desserts On A Diet: Trader Joe's Hold The Cone Mini Chocolate Ice Cream Cones

Happy New Product Wednesday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

I wrote this blog post and then gremlins came along and somehow deleted it before I could publish it.  Needless to say the previous post was the most amazing thing I have ever written.  It was my "War and Peace" and now it is gone.

What?  You question how a product review on a mini ice cream cone could be the definitive literary gem of the millennia?  Puh-lease!  Drop your skepticism and embrace the reality!

My masterpiece is now gone - lost to the ether.  And we are all a little less beautiful due to its passing.  Sigh.

I can't even try to recreate the post - it would be a futile attempt.  It is a cruel, cruel world!

OK … enough tears … back to the subject matter at hand:

Hopefully you are a regular reader who knows that on select Wednesdays, I post "New Product Wednesdays" product reviews on items that are new or at least new to me.

Today's New Product Wednesday is another Trader Joe's review, in honor of the new South Tampa Trader Joe's that opened in March 2014.

It is the Trader Joe's "Hold The Cone!" (love a good pun) Mini Chocolate Ice Cream Cone.  

These little babies are 70 calories each and eight to a box.  Meaning that you could eat the entire box and still be at about the same calories as eating half a pint of Ben and Jerry's gourmet ice cream.

For a sugar addict like me, having lower calorie options for when my cravings hit is a very good thing.  But how do they taste?

The chocolate coating and the crunchy cone are delicious and reminiscent of higher calorie ice cream cone novelties.  The chocolate ice cream however tastes more like an inexpensive version of a frozen milk chocolate mousse versus a rich ice cream.  It's not bad, it just doesn't taste exactly like ice cream.

However for 70 calories each, these mini cones are a tasty treat that won't blow your caloric intake for the day.  Plus you feel like a giant holding a tiny cone which I guess is a positive if you're into that sort of thing.

I would definitely purchase these again.  They made me feel like I was having a higher calorie treat but I didn't hate myself in the morning for eating one (or two).

What's your favorite Trader Joe's dessert?  Let us know in the comments section below!

THE HEDWIG COUNTDOWN CONTINUES …. Jinkx Monsoon singing Hedwig song!

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

I am counting down the days until I see my favorite musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway starring Neil Patrick Harris.  To get in the mood, I am posting "mini LilyOnTheLam" posts each day until I see the show!

Today's countdown clip is RuPaul Drag Race Winner Jinkx Monsoon singing "The Origin of Love" from "Hedwig and the Angry Inch."  

ENJOY!

Business Buzz Words, Semantics and Personal Responsibility: Part 2 - "The Country Mouse's Corporate Tale"

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

If you have not read Monday's post, which is Part One of "Business Buzz Words, Semantics and Personal Responsibility;" please go back and check it out.  Don't be a rebel!  Follow the rules!  I mean it!

Do it!

And now … part two … which I have dubbed "The Country Mouse's Corporate Tale."

Allow me to tell you a long, but humorous (in my opinion) story on business buzz words, semantics and personal responsibility.  It is both one of the most painful business experiences I have ever encountered, but also in the end a very rewarding one as well.

I hope you enjoy it ...       

A lifetime ago, I was hired to work at one of my first really big corporate jobs.  (Let's just call the company Al's House of Widgets & Stuff.)  I was very intimidated when I started working at Al's because they were known as a huge market leader and trend setter.  (When you want a good widget, everyone knows you gotta see Al!)  I thought my start-up and small regional company experience made me the Country Mouse to Al's crack team of City Mice.  

If you're a young professional out there, let me tell you - never let someone else's reputation intimidate you from being the best that you can be.  They don't know it all.  You may be bringing in fresh views and alternate ways of doing things.  Small companies are generally more flexible and have faster ways of doing business, that many of the blue chip/old ways slow movers may not have.    

But on the other hand, remember that you personally also don't know it all.  Make sure you are carrying humility and an eagerness to learn in your skill toolbox.  

In other words, I forgot "myself" when I started at Al's House of Widgets & Stuff.  I forgot that no matter where my location, I am the Ultimate City Mouse.  I just needed some time to set aside my fears, intimidation and nervousness to truly remember that fact.

Life in the "Big City" world at Al's was like going to a foreign country.  Everyone loved to speak in acronyms and corporate buzz words.  If I did a shot of vodka for every time someone said "synergy," I'd be dead from alcohol poisoning.  

I was hired at the same time as another "professional."  Let's call her, oh I don't know … how about Looney McCrazy.

While my education and experience greatly towered over Ms. McCrazy's, she had a Ph.D. in buzz words and bull shit.  This chick (ahem, lady) was clueless but she could talk an amazing game.  She could hand you a piece of dog feces and make you think you had the cure for cancer.  She was a maestro of corporate lingo, beyond compare.

Looney and I were tasked to each build a part of one master project, separately.  We had three and a half months to build our own individual gigantic analytical report that would have to wow a very unhappy client.  

Being new to the job and working on a client site, I approached this project like it was life or death.  Looney and her fluent BS-nese, worked from home and from what I gathered - was never actually doing any work.  

As time passed, I became more and more worried.  Because even though Looney was in charge of one of the two parts, I was responsible for presenting 100% of the project.  Weeks were flying by with no evidence of any work from Looney.  I started asking to see drafts and would receive zero response.  

Four weeks before the massive project due date, I started diplomatically sharing my concerns with Management that I did not think Looney was "on track for completion."  I worked at the client site.  Looney worked from home.  Our Management team worked hundreds of miles away.  They had never met Looney or I, in person.  We were merely voices on a phone and e-mail text on a computer screen.  

Management inquired with Looney to see if my allegations held water.  Looney pulled out a fabulous buzz word-laden speech about how she was agilely and aggressively focusing her core competencies on a pathway to accelerate the synergy, reconceptualizing opportunities and waltzing the pig. 

Or at least that's how I imagined her speech to be.  Whatever she said to Management, it was convincing.  Management had believed her without ever asking for a draft of what she was working on.  They just took her word for it that she had been working her arse off for ten weeks to build the greatest corporate project ever in the history of mankind.

What was worse, her buzzword speech must have also degraded me as some sort of hysterical corporate backstabber because the Managers were now treating me like I was a rabidly insane Chicken Little trying to throw people under the bus.

This was not the reputation I was striving to cultivate at Al's House of Widgets & Stuff.

As the days continued to fly by, Looney kept dodging any attempts to prepare for the big meeting or share any aspect of her work.  Her piece was supposed to be cold, hard, detailed analytics and research.  If her piece was missing, there was nothing I could do to BS the client.  This was supposed to be three and a half months of around the clock work.  I couldn't fill the hole with fluff when they were expecting definitive numbers.  

I went back to the Management team and voiced my concern once more.  We were now three weeks out from the project deadline and Looney had stopped communicating all together.  Management was not amused with me.  They treated me like some histrionic mad woman who was out to destroy a good-hearted businesswoman.  I was the worst of the worst.  The scum of Al's House of Widgets & Stuff. 

Our client was on the verge of firing us, we needed a strong project result to renew their confidence.  I thought I was doing the right thing and instead I was being treated as if I was an awkward, dumb ass saboteur.  (At least make me a criminal mastermind!)  

My fear of standing in front of a client with nothing to show for three and a half months of work was greater than my desire to salvage a business reputation that already seemed hopelessly stained.  I begged the main Manager to please, please, please request the current draft of Looney's work.  

I seriously thought the Manager was going to write me up for harassing Looney.  But she finally acquiesced.  I think she just wanted to shut me up.

Looney quickly responded to the Manager.  Of course she would be happy to share the masterpiece she had created with all her hard work despite the awful working conditions.  (Um yeah, she was talking about me.)  A week went by.  The Manager asked for "Looney's Masterpiece" four times.  Finally we received it.

This was the report that Looney had spent over eleven full-time weeks working on.  It was her only work project.  She had no other tasks because she was just too busy working on this project.  It was such an important task that other employees had taken her day to day tasks, so Looney could 100% focus on this massive project.  

I click opened the report file.  Looney's draft was one and a half slides containing a vague, incomplete outline and no data whatsoever.  

The Manager was floored.  Where's all that vertical integration mission statement resource constrained strategic knowledge management methodology innovative globalization now?  

Oh and I don't see a pig waltzing either!

It was abundantly clear that Chicken Little (a.k.a. Me) had been right.  Looney had spent the past eleven weeks goofing off.  Because the Manager had accepted Looney's buzz word filled verbal progress reports without ever seeking any confirmation of what she was creating, Looney had skated by for over two months collecting a pay check for zero work.  

This was Looney's first project with the company, why would a Manager just assume that she could handle a project 100% without ever asking to see any evidence that work was actually being performed?  The nature of a "lateral hire," I suppose.

Side Note:  I strive to be a good person, but I fully admit that I have a Game of Thrones' King Joffrey side to my personality.  At the point when I first sounded the alarm, Looney still had four weeks before deadline.  Had I been Looney; I would have worked day and night from then on to create an amazing presentation.  I would emphatically belittle my work colleague who doubted that I had been working.  I would intimate that Chicken Little was not a team player.  I would demand Chicken Little's firing and a big promotion for myself.  Management would never see any evidence that I did not do any work for the first ten weeks.  I would be golden and Chicken Little would be ousted for trying to imply I wasn't working.  

Lucky for me, Looney was not a King Joffrey.  Even when she knew the clock was ticking to her eventual exposure, she just kept giving buzz word excuses and blowing off the actual work.  

Looney told the Manager that she had indeed done all the long hours, back-breaking work for weeks on end.  She emphasized that she did have all the data but just hadn't written it all up yet.  She stated that my attempts to derail her business reputation were keeping her from actually writing her report.  (Grrrrr.)  Chicken Little as the villain of the story.    

Looney also probably said something like: "I am mind-sharing the mission critical logistics so I don't boil the ocean to drill down and champion the catalyst core guiding principles."  

Incredulously, the Manager believed her.    

I think at this stage, the Manager did not want to imagine that someone had not worked for eleven weeks.  I imagine that it was easier for the Manager to believe that I was a hysterical woman then to contemplate that a member of Al's House of Widgets & Stuff was not working for months on end.  The Manager cornered Looney into promising that the draft would be completed in one week.  

The due date quickly came.  I wondered if Looney would pull a King Joffrey on me.  Should I be job searching?  

The conference call with the Manager opened.  Looney presented the same one and a half slides she had presented the week before.  The Manager was sputtering as we realized there were no changes.  Literally sputtering.  This was beyond angry.  I could feel a nuclear heat through the phone line.

I said, while trying to keep my voice level and calm, "Looney, this is the exact same thing you showed us last week.  You did not make any changes at all."  

Looney shot back with haughty indignation: "No!  That is not true at all!  Look at the page!  Look!  The lower corner."

I looked at the lower corner.  Her previous draft had the wrong year on the copyright label.  Looney had changed it to the correct year.  In seven days, Looney changed the last number on a four digit number on a copyright label footer on the presentation slide.  

I almost started laughing.  Am I being punked?  Seriously, she didn't just admit she only made one change and it was a numerical one on a footer?  

I said "You're right.  I apologize.  You did change the year to the correct year on this presentation.  Sorry for doubting you!"    

Like the dead silence before a tornado hits, there was a pause before the usually quiet-toned Manager started yelling. "Looney!  You told us all you needed to do was write up the data.  But you haven't made any changes to this in the past seven days!  WHAT IS GOING ON?"

"Um, I - " Looney butted in.

"Yes sorry, you changed the year."  The Manager barked and sneered.  "But other than that ONE THING, you have DONE NOTHING.  How are you going to finish this in two weeks?  You have had almost three months to do this!"  Then the Manager's angry voice dissolved into anguished pleading with:  "What is your game plan?"

REALLY?  You think Buzz Word Slacker Looney McCrazy has a game plan to solve this?  She took seven days to change one digit on a presentation!  At this rate, it would take her seven years to write a paragraph!  I was disgusted with the Manager.  She started out as a lion and ended with a whimper.  

Looney took a deep breath and said in the most annoyed voice, a sentence that has been burned into my brain for years.  This sentence is so poignant that I have the words perfectly memorized.  I can recite it without a moment's hesitation.  

What was Looney going to do to resolve this colossal mess?

Looney said …

"I am attempting to mobilize my efforts in that direction."

The words hung in the air.  It was like when I first started learning French.  I would have to translate each word in my head and then string it all together.

I.  Am.  Attempting.  To.  Mobilize.  My.  Efforts.  In.  That.  Direction.

I am attempting to mobilize my efforts in that direction.

WHAT?  

If I could understand "Pierre est un grande fromage sur le plage" why was it taking me so long to understand what "I am attempting to mobilize my efforts in that direction" meant? 

Looney didn't say "I'll finish the project."  She didn't say she was trying to finish the project.  She was saying she was attempting to gather herself in that general direction.  WHAT?    

I am attempting to mobilize my efforts in that direction.

If I wasn't so angry because I was on the hook for the client project, I would have started clapping.  

A sentence that sounds so full of laborious effort and yet means NOTHING!  

I want to teach this line to all my friends' kids.  "Clean up your room."  "I'm attempting to mobilize my efforts in that direction as I play my X-box."  

Over the years, I have taken Looney's sentence and put my own spin on it.  Like: "I am attempting to mobilize my efforts to remove my ass from this couch."  It really is the best line ever.

But back to my story ...  

There were two weeks to go before the client presentation.  Looney was removed from the project and I was given two employees who had never worked on this type of material before.  We worked day and night over Christmas holidays trying to do three months of work in two weeks.  One employee said to me: "Wow Lily, this is really an unrealistic amount of work to finish in two weeks."  I was like "Duh, the original person had three months."  

Looney's punishment for slacking off for eleven weeks was two additional weeks without any work but all fully paid.  My reward for working hard was having to do two jobs for one salary and work on Christmas.  Al's House of Widgets & Stuff can be a cruel taskmaster. 

The Manager told Looney that she had to go to the client site and present "her section" of the project.  REALLY?  So we have to do her work, but she gets to present it?  

Looney agreed.  She was more than happy to achieve clarity in an all-hands meeting to bucketize branding cutting edge dialog while getting ducks in a row to sharpen our pencils for leading lean and mean leverage resonating to stretch the envelope of sustainability with a 360-degree view of the contributing delta between the cluster team and the back of the envelope.

I set aside my bitterness.  I had a lot of work to still finish.  I didn't have any time or energy for unproductive anger.  I had to stay focused on the task at hand.    

In retrospect, based on Looney's performance up until then I should not have worried about Looney riding in to steal my thunder during the client presentation.  Hindsight, of course, being 20/20.  

The day of the meeting, I was a haggard mess.  I had basically stayed up for weeks not only finishing all of my work but Looney's too.  I had guests in town for the holidays so any moment not spent with them was spent working instead of sleeping.  I was nervous as hell.  The client had become even more cranky and was itching for an excuse to fire our entire team.  

I was certain I was the final straw that would break the entire deal. 

I set up the projector to show a 125 slide presentation (yes 125 slides!) that was written with my blood and tears.  

Looney never showed up for the meeting.  It was just me and the testy client.

I tap-danced like I have never tap-danced before.  Inside I was a mess, but I just kept dancing like my life depended on it.  I was fairly certain this was the end of my career with Al's House of Widgets & Stuff.  Next stop - McDonald's drive-thru worker.  

I would like to say the client was so impressed with my performance that they hoisted me on their shoulders for a victory lap.  However I think what I received was "OK, good."

From this cranky client, this was still the highest of praise!

I went back to my desk and basically melted into a puddle.  The Manager called me.  She had heard the presentation went well.  She said Looney's mother called and said Looney was in the hospital.  This is why she had not shown up for the meeting.

I didn't say a word.  I was BEYOND it.  I had had enough of Looney's buzz word excuses.  Whatever the reason, she had missed the meeting.  Looney could go architect gap analysis intellectual capital low hanging fruit, for all I cared.

The Manager also said she wanted to apologize to me.  "You tried to warn us with ample time that there was a huge problem.  And I - I - well Looney was just so darn convincing that she was on top of things.  You saw that she wasn't.  I didn't see it."  

Now because I have the maturity of a three year old, I soooo sooooo sooooooo wanted to rub it in.  I WAS RIGHT.  YOU WERE WRONG.  I WAS RIGHT.  YOU TREATED ME LIKE A HYSTERICAL ASSHOLE.  But who was right?  OH YEAH, I WAS RIGHT!  

Instead I said "I was the closest one to her.  I've actually met her in person.  You don't know me and you don't know her - we're both new to the company.  I can understand why you would think I was causing trouble for a fellow co-worker.  My first responsibility is to our clients.  I'm glad we were able to resolve the situation without the client ever realizing there was an issue."  

Country Mouse may not anchor her speech with corporate buzz words and lingo, but that doesn't mean she is not effective.

Meanwhile Looney continue to create excuses why she could not work while cashing her pay checks.  

I received a leadership award for my work with this particular client.  I also had an Executive five levels above me call me to personally thank me for my work.  I am convinced that this one challenge propelled me into a promotion and a rockstar reputation within the company.    

Evidently my attempts to mobilize my efforts in the direction of success were positively received.

And what was even better, I realized that I wasn't the overwhelmed, intimidated Country Mouse.  I was a strong, kickass City Mouse.  I may have had to crawl through fire and character insults to reach this knowledge, but now I would never forget it.

Those who fully own their actions, also fully own their successes.  Or at least that's what this City Mouse thinks.

Thank you for mobilizing your efforts to attempt to wrap your eyeballs in the direction of the text of this blog on your computer screen.  It is much appreciated. ;-)