Business Buzz Words, Semantics and Personal Responsibility: Part 2 - "The Country Mouse's Corporate Tale"

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

If you have not read Monday's post, which is Part One of "Business Buzz Words, Semantics and Personal Responsibility;" please go back and check it out.  Don't be a rebel!  Follow the rules!  I mean it!

Do it!

And now … part two … which I have dubbed "The Country Mouse's Corporate Tale."

Allow me to tell you a long, but humorous (in my opinion) story on business buzz words, semantics and personal responsibility.  It is both one of the most painful business experiences I have ever encountered, but also in the end a very rewarding one as well.

I hope you enjoy it ...       

A lifetime ago, I was hired to work at one of my first really big corporate jobs.  (Let's just call the company Al's House of Widgets & Stuff.)  I was very intimidated when I started working at Al's because they were known as a huge market leader and trend setter.  (When you want a good widget, everyone knows you gotta see Al!)  I thought my start-up and small regional company experience made me the Country Mouse to Al's crack team of City Mice.  

If you're a young professional out there, let me tell you - never let someone else's reputation intimidate you from being the best that you can be.  They don't know it all.  You may be bringing in fresh views and alternate ways of doing things.  Small companies are generally more flexible and have faster ways of doing business, that many of the blue chip/old ways slow movers may not have.    

But on the other hand, remember that you personally also don't know it all.  Make sure you are carrying humility and an eagerness to learn in your skill toolbox.  

In other words, I forgot "myself" when I started at Al's House of Widgets & Stuff.  I forgot that no matter where my location, I am the Ultimate City Mouse.  I just needed some time to set aside my fears, intimidation and nervousness to truly remember that fact.

Life in the "Big City" world at Al's was like going to a foreign country.  Everyone loved to speak in acronyms and corporate buzz words.  If I did a shot of vodka for every time someone said "synergy," I'd be dead from alcohol poisoning.  

I was hired at the same time as another "professional."  Let's call her, oh I don't know … how about Looney McCrazy.

While my education and experience greatly towered over Ms. McCrazy's, she had a Ph.D. in buzz words and bull shit.  This chick (ahem, lady) was clueless but she could talk an amazing game.  She could hand you a piece of dog feces and make you think you had the cure for cancer.  She was a maestro of corporate lingo, beyond compare.

Looney and I were tasked to each build a part of one master project, separately.  We had three and a half months to build our own individual gigantic analytical report that would have to wow a very unhappy client.  

Being new to the job and working on a client site, I approached this project like it was life or death.  Looney and her fluent BS-nese, worked from home and from what I gathered - was never actually doing any work.  

As time passed, I became more and more worried.  Because even though Looney was in charge of one of the two parts, I was responsible for presenting 100% of the project.  Weeks were flying by with no evidence of any work from Looney.  I started asking to see drafts and would receive zero response.  

Four weeks before the massive project due date, I started diplomatically sharing my concerns with Management that I did not think Looney was "on track for completion."  I worked at the client site.  Looney worked from home.  Our Management team worked hundreds of miles away.  They had never met Looney or I, in person.  We were merely voices on a phone and e-mail text on a computer screen.  

Management inquired with Looney to see if my allegations held water.  Looney pulled out a fabulous buzz word-laden speech about how she was agilely and aggressively focusing her core competencies on a pathway to accelerate the synergy, reconceptualizing opportunities and waltzing the pig. 

Or at least that's how I imagined her speech to be.  Whatever she said to Management, it was convincing.  Management had believed her without ever asking for a draft of what she was working on.  They just took her word for it that she had been working her arse off for ten weeks to build the greatest corporate project ever in the history of mankind.

What was worse, her buzzword speech must have also degraded me as some sort of hysterical corporate backstabber because the Managers were now treating me like I was a rabidly insane Chicken Little trying to throw people under the bus.

This was not the reputation I was striving to cultivate at Al's House of Widgets & Stuff.

As the days continued to fly by, Looney kept dodging any attempts to prepare for the big meeting or share any aspect of her work.  Her piece was supposed to be cold, hard, detailed analytics and research.  If her piece was missing, there was nothing I could do to BS the client.  This was supposed to be three and a half months of around the clock work.  I couldn't fill the hole with fluff when they were expecting definitive numbers.  

I went back to the Management team and voiced my concern once more.  We were now three weeks out from the project deadline and Looney had stopped communicating all together.  Management was not amused with me.  They treated me like some histrionic mad woman who was out to destroy a good-hearted businesswoman.  I was the worst of the worst.  The scum of Al's House of Widgets & Stuff. 

Our client was on the verge of firing us, we needed a strong project result to renew their confidence.  I thought I was doing the right thing and instead I was being treated as if I was an awkward, dumb ass saboteur.  (At least make me a criminal mastermind!)  

My fear of standing in front of a client with nothing to show for three and a half months of work was greater than my desire to salvage a business reputation that already seemed hopelessly stained.  I begged the main Manager to please, please, please request the current draft of Looney's work.  

I seriously thought the Manager was going to write me up for harassing Looney.  But she finally acquiesced.  I think she just wanted to shut me up.

Looney quickly responded to the Manager.  Of course she would be happy to share the masterpiece she had created with all her hard work despite the awful working conditions.  (Um yeah, she was talking about me.)  A week went by.  The Manager asked for "Looney's Masterpiece" four times.  Finally we received it.

This was the report that Looney had spent over eleven full-time weeks working on.  It was her only work project.  She had no other tasks because she was just too busy working on this project.  It was such an important task that other employees had taken her day to day tasks, so Looney could 100% focus on this massive project.  

I click opened the report file.  Looney's draft was one and a half slides containing a vague, incomplete outline and no data whatsoever.  

The Manager was floored.  Where's all that vertical integration mission statement resource constrained strategic knowledge management methodology innovative globalization now?  

Oh and I don't see a pig waltzing either!

It was abundantly clear that Chicken Little (a.k.a. Me) had been right.  Looney had spent the past eleven weeks goofing off.  Because the Manager had accepted Looney's buzz word filled verbal progress reports without ever seeking any confirmation of what she was creating, Looney had skated by for over two months collecting a pay check for zero work.  

This was Looney's first project with the company, why would a Manager just assume that she could handle a project 100% without ever asking to see any evidence that work was actually being performed?  The nature of a "lateral hire," I suppose.

Side Note:  I strive to be a good person, but I fully admit that I have a Game of Thrones' King Joffrey side to my personality.  At the point when I first sounded the alarm, Looney still had four weeks before deadline.  Had I been Looney; I would have worked day and night from then on to create an amazing presentation.  I would emphatically belittle my work colleague who doubted that I had been working.  I would intimate that Chicken Little was not a team player.  I would demand Chicken Little's firing and a big promotion for myself.  Management would never see any evidence that I did not do any work for the first ten weeks.  I would be golden and Chicken Little would be ousted for trying to imply I wasn't working.  

Lucky for me, Looney was not a King Joffrey.  Even when she knew the clock was ticking to her eventual exposure, she just kept giving buzz word excuses and blowing off the actual work.  

Looney told the Manager that she had indeed done all the long hours, back-breaking work for weeks on end.  She emphasized that she did have all the data but just hadn't written it all up yet.  She stated that my attempts to derail her business reputation were keeping her from actually writing her report.  (Grrrrr.)  Chicken Little as the villain of the story.    

Looney also probably said something like: "I am mind-sharing the mission critical logistics so I don't boil the ocean to drill down and champion the catalyst core guiding principles."  

Incredulously, the Manager believed her.    

I think at this stage, the Manager did not want to imagine that someone had not worked for eleven weeks.  I imagine that it was easier for the Manager to believe that I was a hysterical woman then to contemplate that a member of Al's House of Widgets & Stuff was not working for months on end.  The Manager cornered Looney into promising that the draft would be completed in one week.  

The due date quickly came.  I wondered if Looney would pull a King Joffrey on me.  Should I be job searching?  

The conference call with the Manager opened.  Looney presented the same one and a half slides she had presented the week before.  The Manager was sputtering as we realized there were no changes.  Literally sputtering.  This was beyond angry.  I could feel a nuclear heat through the phone line.

I said, while trying to keep my voice level and calm, "Looney, this is the exact same thing you showed us last week.  You did not make any changes at all."  

Looney shot back with haughty indignation: "No!  That is not true at all!  Look at the page!  Look!  The lower corner."

I looked at the lower corner.  Her previous draft had the wrong year on the copyright label.  Looney had changed it to the correct year.  In seven days, Looney changed the last number on a four digit number on a copyright label footer on the presentation slide.  

I almost started laughing.  Am I being punked?  Seriously, she didn't just admit she only made one change and it was a numerical one on a footer?  

I said "You're right.  I apologize.  You did change the year to the correct year on this presentation.  Sorry for doubting you!"    

Like the dead silence before a tornado hits, there was a pause before the usually quiet-toned Manager started yelling. "Looney!  You told us all you needed to do was write up the data.  But you haven't made any changes to this in the past seven days!  WHAT IS GOING ON?"

"Um, I - " Looney butted in.

"Yes sorry, you changed the year."  The Manager barked and sneered.  "But other than that ONE THING, you have DONE NOTHING.  How are you going to finish this in two weeks?  You have had almost three months to do this!"  Then the Manager's angry voice dissolved into anguished pleading with:  "What is your game plan?"

REALLY?  You think Buzz Word Slacker Looney McCrazy has a game plan to solve this?  She took seven days to change one digit on a presentation!  At this rate, it would take her seven years to write a paragraph!  I was disgusted with the Manager.  She started out as a lion and ended with a whimper.  

Looney took a deep breath and said in the most annoyed voice, a sentence that has been burned into my brain for years.  This sentence is so poignant that I have the words perfectly memorized.  I can recite it without a moment's hesitation.  

What was Looney going to do to resolve this colossal mess?

Looney said …

"I am attempting to mobilize my efforts in that direction."

The words hung in the air.  It was like when I first started learning French.  I would have to translate each word in my head and then string it all together.

I.  Am.  Attempting.  To.  Mobilize.  My.  Efforts.  In.  That.  Direction.

I am attempting to mobilize my efforts in that direction.

WHAT?  

If I could understand "Pierre est un grande fromage sur le plage" why was it taking me so long to understand what "I am attempting to mobilize my efforts in that direction" meant? 

Looney didn't say "I'll finish the project."  She didn't say she was trying to finish the project.  She was saying she was attempting to gather herself in that general direction.  WHAT?    

I am attempting to mobilize my efforts in that direction.

If I wasn't so angry because I was on the hook for the client project, I would have started clapping.  

A sentence that sounds so full of laborious effort and yet means NOTHING!  

I want to teach this line to all my friends' kids.  "Clean up your room."  "I'm attempting to mobilize my efforts in that direction as I play my X-box."  

Over the years, I have taken Looney's sentence and put my own spin on it.  Like: "I am attempting to mobilize my efforts to remove my ass from this couch."  It really is the best line ever.

But back to my story ...  

There were two weeks to go before the client presentation.  Looney was removed from the project and I was given two employees who had never worked on this type of material before.  We worked day and night over Christmas holidays trying to do three months of work in two weeks.  One employee said to me: "Wow Lily, this is really an unrealistic amount of work to finish in two weeks."  I was like "Duh, the original person had three months."  

Looney's punishment for slacking off for eleven weeks was two additional weeks without any work but all fully paid.  My reward for working hard was having to do two jobs for one salary and work on Christmas.  Al's House of Widgets & Stuff can be a cruel taskmaster. 

The Manager told Looney that she had to go to the client site and present "her section" of the project.  REALLY?  So we have to do her work, but she gets to present it?  

Looney agreed.  She was more than happy to achieve clarity in an all-hands meeting to bucketize branding cutting edge dialog while getting ducks in a row to sharpen our pencils for leading lean and mean leverage resonating to stretch the envelope of sustainability with a 360-degree view of the contributing delta between the cluster team and the back of the envelope.

I set aside my bitterness.  I had a lot of work to still finish.  I didn't have any time or energy for unproductive anger.  I had to stay focused on the task at hand.    

In retrospect, based on Looney's performance up until then I should not have worried about Looney riding in to steal my thunder during the client presentation.  Hindsight, of course, being 20/20.  

The day of the meeting, I was a haggard mess.  I had basically stayed up for weeks not only finishing all of my work but Looney's too.  I had guests in town for the holidays so any moment not spent with them was spent working instead of sleeping.  I was nervous as hell.  The client had become even more cranky and was itching for an excuse to fire our entire team.  

I was certain I was the final straw that would break the entire deal. 

I set up the projector to show a 125 slide presentation (yes 125 slides!) that was written with my blood and tears.  

Looney never showed up for the meeting.  It was just me and the testy client.

I tap-danced like I have never tap-danced before.  Inside I was a mess, but I just kept dancing like my life depended on it.  I was fairly certain this was the end of my career with Al's House of Widgets & Stuff.  Next stop - McDonald's drive-thru worker.  

I would like to say the client was so impressed with my performance that they hoisted me on their shoulders for a victory lap.  However I think what I received was "OK, good."

From this cranky client, this was still the highest of praise!

I went back to my desk and basically melted into a puddle.  The Manager called me.  She had heard the presentation went well.  She said Looney's mother called and said Looney was in the hospital.  This is why she had not shown up for the meeting.

I didn't say a word.  I was BEYOND it.  I had had enough of Looney's buzz word excuses.  Whatever the reason, she had missed the meeting.  Looney could go architect gap analysis intellectual capital low hanging fruit, for all I cared.

The Manager also said she wanted to apologize to me.  "You tried to warn us with ample time that there was a huge problem.  And I - I - well Looney was just so darn convincing that she was on top of things.  You saw that she wasn't.  I didn't see it."  

Now because I have the maturity of a three year old, I soooo sooooo sooooooo wanted to rub it in.  I WAS RIGHT.  YOU WERE WRONG.  I WAS RIGHT.  YOU TREATED ME LIKE A HYSTERICAL ASSHOLE.  But who was right?  OH YEAH, I WAS RIGHT!  

Instead I said "I was the closest one to her.  I've actually met her in person.  You don't know me and you don't know her - we're both new to the company.  I can understand why you would think I was causing trouble for a fellow co-worker.  My first responsibility is to our clients.  I'm glad we were able to resolve the situation without the client ever realizing there was an issue."  

Country Mouse may not anchor her speech with corporate buzz words and lingo, but that doesn't mean she is not effective.

Meanwhile Looney continue to create excuses why she could not work while cashing her pay checks.  

I received a leadership award for my work with this particular client.  I also had an Executive five levels above me call me to personally thank me for my work.  I am convinced that this one challenge propelled me into a promotion and a rockstar reputation within the company.    

Evidently my attempts to mobilize my efforts in the direction of success were positively received.

And what was even better, I realized that I wasn't the overwhelmed, intimidated Country Mouse.  I was a strong, kickass City Mouse.  I may have had to crawl through fire and character insults to reach this knowledge, but now I would never forget it.

Those who fully own their actions, also fully own their successes.  Or at least that's what this City Mouse thinks.

Thank you for mobilizing your efforts to attempt to wrap your eyeballs in the direction of the text of this blog on your computer screen.  It is much appreciated. ;-)