The Importance of Friends and A Tasty Belgian Wafel

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

I woke up this morning after a fabulous night at Ciro's Speakeasy.  They have a tasty new menu that I will be writing about soon.  I turned on my computer and found that my page view counter for LilyOnTheLam.Com had hit 30,000.  Now there are websites that have more page views than this in one day, but for my "little blog that could" I am very proud to reach this number!  

Thank you to all my readers around the world.  France has displaced the Netherlands in the #8 slot for most readers of LilyOnTheLam.com by country (thank you Blogger.Com Stats!).  Obviously five years of French classes in my youth have caused this to happen.  Merci Bien, La France!  Now that the Olympics are over, I challenge the countries of the world to compete in number of readers of LilyOnTheLam.com.  I'm sure I can dig up a gold medal somewhere!

My partner in crime for my evening at Ciro's Speakeasy was the Glorious Nicky G who has been working in Tampa Bay on an extended assignment.  Nicky G and I have not lived in the same city since 1844 (yes, you read that correctly - we're vampires - old vampires) and so it's been quite wonderful to hang out with him on a regular basis as if he lived here.  

I have started my campaign of why Glorious Nicky G should move to Tampa and have elicited the help of any one and everyone around me.  That's why last night our fabulous Ciro's Speakeasy waiter Richard was given the task of giving a speech on why Nicky G should move to Tampa.  And he did it well!  Good service and speeches on demand - well done, Ciro's.  (FYI - If you'd like to read about the October 2012 revised menu at Ciro's Speakeasy, please click here.)

Side Note:  Now Ciro's Speakeasy is a darkly lit bar/restaurant, but in the dim light our waiter Richard looked a lot like the actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  So much so that I spent the evening pretending Joseph Gordon-Levitt was giving us tips on the best gin to drink and extolling the virtues of Art In The Age's Root Liquor (soooo tasty!!!)  In my world, it is perfectly logical that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is my waiter.  Of course in my world, I usually have a couple cocktails under my belt at all times. ;-)  Richard (or Joseph Gordon-Levitt in disguise) also told us that vodka did not appear on the drinking scene in America until the 1940's.  Who knew?  I love a bit of education with my cocktails.    

Side Side Note:  Speaking of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, have you checked out his pro-artist, open collaboration production company website HitRecord.org?  If not, you should.  I recently purchased several items from the HitRecord.org online store.  I fell in love with a postcard that had an image from a UK artist who is calling herself Wirrow.  If you go to Wirrow's website, there is a quote that says: "Wirrow is not the name of someone who is not invisible."  If you want to give yourself a headache, ponder over that quote a few more times.  

I also purchased several t-shirts from HitRecord.org.  One of the t-shirts is for a friend, Miss LM who I will be writing about a little further in this post.  She loves Joseph Gordon-Levitt and she loves supporting smaller enterprise over larger, so I figured an item from HitRecord.org is a win-win gift.  Plus I am pretty sure if you purchase an item from HitRecord.org, Joseph Gordon-Levitt will serve you cocktails personally.  I could be incorrect about that though ... might just be last night's tequila talking.

If you're looking for other great UK artists, check out one of my absolute favorites - Nancy Farmer.  I have several of her Medusa series prints.  They are sitting in a tube waiting for my lazy, lazy arse to get them framed.  Hmmm, maybe I should redecorate my guest bathroom in a Medusa theme?  

Another great UK artist is a LilyOnTheLam.com reader, the lovely lady behind IsisImaginings.com.  Now I am not saying reading LilyOnTheLam.com will increase your artistic ability, but Kirsten is uber-talented and reads my blog ... so obviously I had something to do with her talent, right? ;-)  

OK back to the main blog post at hand ... I had lovely cocktails and delicious food with Glorious Nicky G last night.  The theme of our conversation could best be summed up by the following quote from Albert Einstein:

"Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."  

If you read my post from yesterday, "Why It's Not A Good Idea To Get Drunk and Then Go To The Asian Dollar Store" you will know I have been doing a lot of soul searching recently.  I have been judging my "fish self" unfairly and my conversation with Nicky G helped put me back on the right track.  I am grateful for his counsel, his friendship and his company in Tampa.  I am also grateful that he will be moving to Tampa soon.  (If I say it often enough, perhaps it will come true!)

I try to write "profound" blog posts when I reach certain page view milestones, such as when I passed 20,000 page views I wrote: "20,003 Reasons To Be Happy On A Saturday ... And How I Inadvertently Slept with a Neo Nazi."  I wasn't sure what I should write about for the passing of the 30,000 page view mark.  Should I write about the time I had sex in the Voodoo Museum in New Orleans?  Hmmm... no, I'm going to save that one for the Million Page View Mark (so start clicking away, readers!)  I have lots of wacky adventures, but with the events of Ciro's in my memory I thought I would write a little bit about friendship and what people bring to my life.

In my travels and socializing, I have had the opportunity to meet a large number of people.  Some great, some amazing and some frankly rather shitty.  And sometimes I meet people who start out great and then morph into shitty.  I try to approach this sad fact with some zen-like calm.  I believe that the Universe sends us everyone for a reason.  Now I am convinced sometimes that reason is "Hey, we just thought it would be fun to kick you when you're down" but still that's a reason, right?  I believe that there is a lesson to be extrapolated from everything and anything in life.  The choice is whether to take the lesson to heart or ignore it.  

In keeping with a "Summer of Deprivation" mode that I am currently going through (and will blog about in the future), I cancelled my cable television.  For a TV junkie like me, this was akin to cutting off my arm and then smacking me over the head with it 24-7.  I always have the TV on for background noise and now my home is deathly quiet.  Is there a detox for BRAVO TV's Real Housewives junkies?  

While I am still jonesing for my favorite shows, I do find that in turning off all the background noise I have been able to listen to my heart and head a lot more clearly.  My brain cells have finally been focused on me, not whether Teresa and Melissa are ever going to get along on the Real Housewives of New Jersey!

My friend Miss LM (who will soon be at the Summer MixTape Fest 2012 in Hershey, Pennsylvania - a fact that makes me so jealous I could spit) unintentionally taught me a lesson this past winter.  Miss LM had been Tweeting with the Wafels and Dinges food trucks (@WaffleTruck) on Twitter.com.  We were going to be in New York City for a weekend and she was adamant that we had to stop and get a Belgian Waffle (or Wafel) from one of the Wafels and Dinges trucks.  Miss LM did not have to give me a sales pitch, I said "yes" as soon as I heard "waffle."  Wafels and Dinges has many carts and trucks stationed around New York City (because they are THAT GOOD).  Miss LM decided that we had to go to the Wafels and Dinges cart that was in Central Park for the day.  

Now before I go further, let me explain to you that Miss LM and I live in Florida.  Land of beaches and humidity.  Both of us grew up in the Midwest, so we are quite familiar with winter.  And that's why we live in Florida.  We are no longer hearty Midwestern stock.  Our blood has thinned in the sunny Floridian climate.  I want, no need, to wear shorts in December without getting hypothermia.  I love driving with my convertible top down all year round.  In Florida, we made be hopped up on bath salts and will eat off your face, but we'll be doing it in a tiny sundress with a gorgeous tan.  

So there Miss LM and I are ... two Floridians in New York City ... in Winter.  We are wearing approximately seventy-four layers of clothing each and are still freezing!  The city is blanketed in thick snow and we continue to get pelted with slushy sleet.  Instead of picking the Columbus Circle Wafels and Dinges truck, where we could order a wafel and then immediately turn around and go inside a warm building; Miss LM wanted to go to Central Park.  We had no location point for the Wafels and Dinges cart - all we knew that it was somewhere in Central Park.  I launched a tirade of "M--therf---er, do you know how big Central Park is?  We're supposed to be climbing snow dunes to find some waffle cart while I am already freezing?  Are you friggin' out of your mind?"  But Miss LM could not hear me - not only was her love for waffles drowning out anything I could say; the fact that my head was wrapped with two gigantic scarves in attempt to keep my face from freezing and falling off, made my speech sound like Charlie Brown's teacher.

                
So after a lovely morning at the Guggenheim Museum, we headed over to Central Park to play "find a needle in a haystack"- or in this case - "find a Wafel truck in a large park completely covered in snow in the middle of a mild snowstorm."  

After about 3 minutes, I wanted to give up.  My legs hurt from doing the "I don't want to slip on the ice" shuffle all weekend.  I was cold.  I was getting pelted with snow.  And we had no clue where this damn Wafel truck was.  But Miss LM would not be deterred, she was on a mission and by God she would discover America for the Queen!  Oh wait, scratch that, replace with: ... and by God, she would eat a wafel!

After what felt like six years, but was probably more like 20 minutes, I spotted a small yellow oasis smack dab in the middle of a white plain.  I started jumping up and down, despite the sad fact that I could no longer feel my feet.  Miss LM squinted in the distance at the little yellow blob.  "Do you think that's it?"  She asked me, not entirely sure we weren't hallucinating due to the cold.  I said if it's not, I am calling this mission OFF!  Miss LM looked at me with a smile that said "Excuse me, I'm the Captain on this Wafel Odyssey and you'll be following my orders.  But its's so adorable that you think you are in control here."  I started grumbling mutinous utterances into my two scarves and headed out toward the yellow blob.

I know logistically this is impossible, but it appeared as if we were 100 miles away from the yellow blob.  We walked and we walked and we walked and we walked ... and finally we were close enough to realize that yes indeed the yellow blog was not a mirage, it was the Wafels and Dinges truck.  Miss LM and I let out a shout like castaways spotting a yacht.  And then we walked and we walked and we walked some more.

Finally, we reached the Wafels and Dinges truck - in all its beautiful yellow glory.  A more beautiful sight has never been seen in all of humanity.

Yes, I realize this is a cart not a truck - but I was oblivious with hypothermia

There was a group of young foreign teenage girls ... OK in retrospect maybe they were from Nebraska ... and they were chatting up the Wafels and Dinges man, taking pictures and video (???) of the cart.  They were also rabidly talking about what color pants they had recently bought.  I stood behind them rocking back and forth, desperately trying to restore blood circulation in my frozen appendages.  I would like to tell you that I am a calm, patient woman.  I would like to tell you this.  Unfortunately, 75% of the time I have the inner resolve of comedian Lewis Black.

Here I am, standing in the middle of Central Park, 98% of my body frozen and all I want is a freaking wafel.  Instead I have to listen to the inane chatter of a line full of teenage girls - who have already ordered and received their wafels - and now are just blocking all access to the Wafel truck.  Listen ladies, here's your life lesson - don't stand in the way of a cranky, old woman who walked 900 miles in the snow and is now suffering from hypothermia.  I glared at both them and the Wafel guy until he shouted out to come over and place an order.  Thank you, thank you, Wafels & Dinges man!  I navigated my way through the sea of potential Nebraskan-Netherlanders and finally reached the holy land ... if you consider the counter of the Wafels and Dinges truck to be holy. 

Miss LM wasn't sure what she wanted to order.  I was pretty sure that this would be my last meal before becoming the Little Matchstick Girl and freezing to death on the pavement.  Knowing that your death is upon you, your decision-making skills spring into action.  I ordered the "de Throwdown Wafel" - the waffle that beat Chef Bobby Flay on the Food Network's "Throwdown" television show.  It is a wafel covered in spekuloos and whipped cream.

If you're like me, you may be thinking "What the F is spekuloos?"  Basically it's like Nutella but instead of chocolate and hazelnuts its a thick, rich, sweet spread made from gingerbread-type cookies.  If you have ever flown Delta Airlines and had their Biscoff Cookies, spekuloos spread is made with similar cookies -- a ginger, cinnamon-y, homey flavor in a rich, delectable, melty spread.  (Biscoff cookies sells their own spekuloos spread.  Trader Joe's also sells a spekuloos product called Cookie Butter.  Trader Joe's version is decent, but it is no where near as good as Wafels and Dinges' spekuloos.)

In my normal cynical manner, I would now like to launch into a tirade about how Miss LM dragged me through the frozen tundra of Central Park, causing me to lose seven limbs in the process due to hypothermia and then at the end of our mission the waffle was only "ehhh - so - so."  But I can't.  This darn wafel was one of the best things I had eaten in New York City the entire weekend.  Crunchy, crisp waffle smothered in melty spekuloos spread resting gently under two fat dollops of whipped cream.  Maybe it was the hypothermia talking, but it was one of the most beautiful things I had seen in my entire life.

  
Unfortunately, I had to remove my gloves to eat the Throwdown Wafel.  Within seconds, my fingers froze.  I stood in the winter wonderland of Central Park and tried to savor the wafel before my entire hand turned into a block of ice.  The wafel was sooooo delicious.  I was too busy shoving the wafel in my face to pay attention to what Miss LM eventually ordered.  But I do remember that she was equally as enamored of her delicious wafel.  

The long walk out of Central Park seemed much shorter with a yummy warm wafel residing in my belly.  Although the walk was still long enough to give me ample time to consider our journey into the center of the frozen wilderness in search of a wafel.  If I had not been with Miss LM, I would have never, ever, ever gone on the wafel frozen death march.  I would have been sitting somewhere warm but completely oblivious to the joyous bounty that is a Wafels and Dinges Belgian Wafel.  

For my blog post to commemorate 30,000 page views, the lesson I would like to share is that friends shine a spotlight on many paths you can take in this world - whether its advice on how to move forward in life (Thank you, Nicky G) or just information on a tremendously amazing, kick ass dessert.  The paths are not always easy ones and the rewards are not always certain or clear.  And then again, there are some people for whom you should not listen to or follow at all.  (Check out my blog post: "It's Not Easy Being Green.")  

There will always be difficult, challenging roads ahead of us.  Do we turn around, plop on the couch and watch "Real Housewives" instead of pursuing forward momentum?  Or do we man up, wrap another scarf around our heads and embark across the frozen wasteland even if we're wearing seasonly-inappropriate footwear?  Do we take the road less traveled?  Do we embrace what is difficult?  Do we rise to meet challenges or merely duck our heads in the sand hoping someone else will make our life's decisions for us?  (I'm still waiting to win the lottery, by the way ...)  

Sometimes the difficult journey itself is the reward.  And sometimes, just sometimes, there is a whipped cream covered prize at the end.

Thank you again LilyOnTheLam.com readers for continuing to tune in and read my blog.  I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.  Keep clicking those links and increasing that page view counter!  Happy 30,000 Page Views! ;-) 

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Why It's Not A Good Idea To Get Drunk and Then Go To The Asian Dollar Store

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

Before I launch into the sage wisdom and advice of today's blog post, I would like to tell you that the inspiration for this post was brought to you by Vancouver, British Columbia's own Save On Meats Diner.  

For it was there, at the adorably cute diner with a jaw-droppingly hot, muscular man working the front counter (O Canada!) -- that I drank several of these lovely concoctions - a Caesar garnished with a savory, saucy pepperoni.  These were the beverages that set me out upon my journey of self-discovery.  

I was in Canada for two reasons: (1) To increase the pitiful Canadian readership of LilyOnTheLam.Com - seventh place in country readership?  Tsk Tsk Canada, you should be ashamed!  (Read more about it here, here and here.  Yes, I wrote three blog posts about my planned invasion of Canada- don't judge!)  And (2), I was in Vancouver to celebrate the anniversary of my birth ... no, I wasn't born in Canada but when you live in a hot, humid climate (hello Florida), it's nice to visit the cooler Pacific Northwest.

This was a pretty significant birthday.  (One doesn't turn 912 every day ... did I mention I am a vampire?  A very old vampire, at that.)  I've been having a lot of "What's It All About, Alfie?" moments.  And if you have no clue what that means, please watch the 1966 Michael Caine movie "Alfie" and not the Jude Law 2004 remake.  (If you must watch the Jude Law remake, then mute the sound and just say "Isn't he pretty?" over and over until the movie ends.)

I've also been having a lot of "what if this is as good as it gets?" moments as well.  (Cue clip of Jack Nicholson in the movie "As Good As It Gets.")  

To add to my emotional questions, I recently was promoted to a "stepping stone" role.  One of those "suck it up, work extremely hard and you'll move on to even bigger things, kid!" roles.  The carrot that is supposed to make the donkey jump up like Michael Jordan.  

It's like "Hey Kid, if you work hard - one day, all of Sector 7G will be yours!"  Since the stepping stone isn't the stone to step on to get to being a rock star or Oprah Winfrey, it's been hard for me to generate the requisite enthusiasm that this very good opportunity should create.  I guess the best way to describe how I am feeling with regard to the "stepping stone" is that it is like fishing with the wrong bait.  Here I am, swimming in the pond, and a hook with a lamb chop is dropped in the water.  I don't eat lamb, therefore it doesn't interest me.  So I just watch this lamb chop being dragged around in front of me while I stare at it.  Instead of being an incentive to make me work harder, it becomes a disincentive.    

"Ohhhh, you want me to bite into this?  But what then?  You pull me out by my mouth and throw me in a boat?  Um OK, but what then?  You club me, skin me, filet me, fry me and eat me?  Um OK, but what then?  I go through your digestive tract and then am defecated out of you?  Um OK, but what then?  I am washed into the sewers to disintegrate into the water?  But I am in water now, seems like an awful lot of work and pain to become a disintegrating piece of poop."

Now don't get me wrong ... I am extremely flattered that I was chosen for this stepping stone position.  There was stiff competition and it is an honor and a testament to my previous hard work.  And in this economy any money-making job that covers your expenses seems to be a good one.  I would rather be a shining star at my workplace with a heavy workload than be a nameless, faceless grunt with a lighter workload who no one knows about or cares about and then inevitably is the first one cut in a lay-off.  

But still I feel like the fish staring at a lamb chop on a hook thinking to myself: "Really?  I'm supposed to want this?  And want this enough to impale myself on a hook?  Seriously?"

I can talk your ear off about all the things I don't want to do - in career, life, love ... but it's more difficult to efficiently encapsulate what I do want in all of these areas in words.  

It makes me think of one of my favorite books, "Fight Club" by Chuck Palahniuk.  I am in love with most of the dialogue in this novel.  It is painfully poignant poetry for the post-boomer generations.  In Chapter Five, the Doorman says several statements that burn through my brain and my soul ...

"A lot of young people try to impress the world and buy too many things ... A lot of young people don't know what they really want ... Young people, they think they want the whole world ... If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot that you don't."

If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot that you don't.  Those words are like the closed captioning on my own blaring nightmare.  The overwhelming fear that I will bury myself in all that I don't want because I have no clue what I do want.  Ack, the horror!  Wake me from this nightmare!

Amidst all this so far aimless soul searching, I am also redecorating my living room.  After I had already made the decision to redecorate, I saw a numerologist (don't judge!) and she said I am at the end of a Nine Year Cycle and need to get new furniture.  I saw this as some sort of cosmic approval of my already prepared plan.  Hopefully the cosmos will also pay my credit card bill after I buy all this new furniture.  

I am not really sure of what I want in the living room ... which has led me to endless stores and online hunting.  The other day, I went to Iron Pelican Antiques in St. Petersburg, Florida.  I ended up buying three pieces of furniture -- because I just knew what I wanted when I saw it.  So here I am trying to reconcile between "If you don't know what you want, you'll end up with a lot that you don't" and "I'll know it when I see it."  Or maybe that just applies to furniture?

The retail therapy did give me a temporary reprieve from my "What's It All About, Alfie?" musings.  And ohhhh the furniture (which will be delivered Wednesday) is ohhhhhh so pretty and I got such a good deal compared to many other overpriced Tampa Bay antique stores.       

But I digress ... back to Vancouver and my multitude of Caesar cocktails with the delicious savory pepperoni garnish.  There I was - drinking my yummy cocktails and giving sly side glances to the hot waiter working the diner's counter ... oh and also trying to contemplate my future.  

My brain was spinning ... as I have often said in my life - "I wish I had a crystal ball and just some reassurance that everything will work out OK."  Which frankly is a funny thing for me to muse about, because I have (knock on wood) had the divine fortune to always land on my feet in any situation.  

My friend Nicky G once told me he never has to worry about me - I'm a cat - no matter what the circumstance, I make it out on my feet OK.  And not to sound egotistical, but he's right.  I've always managed to make lemonade out of lemons ... I may squirt myself in the eye one hundred times, but in the end all is good.  I may be wearing a bedazzled pirate eye patch because of it, but I still manage to rock it hard.  

Sometimes you have to just sit back, keep doing what you're doing, stop worrying and trust that this is the right course destiny/fate/ God/Buddha wants you to be on.  (And NO, I am NOT going to include a clip of Carrie Underwood singing "Jesus Take The Wheel" - I really am NOT.  I'm serious!)

I toddled out of the booth at Save On Meats Diner ... yes toddled ... I didn't realize that the numerous cocktails had any effect on me until I stood up and tried to walk straight and sober-like.  Ambulatory fail!  I was walking back to my hotel, so the only real danger for me was the fear of tripping over drunken feet and planting myself face first into the British Columbian cement.  I tried to look smooth and collected, but probably just looked sweaty and drunk.

I walked past a mall and decided to go in.  Shopping while intoxicated always sounds like a good idea ... at the time.  There was an Asian dollar store in the mall.  What's an Asian dollar store?  A dollar store with Asian products.  Like the fantastic Muji.us but with super inexpensive items!  It reminded me of several I had seen in Japan.  Being half-Chinese, I loves me some cheap Asian merchandise and I gleefully wandered in to the store.

Friends, loved ones, strangers -- If you follow any advice that I give on LilyOnTheLam.com, please follow this -- Don't get drunk and then go to an Asian dollar store.  Especially when you have a lot of cash and credit cards on you!

People, the whole foundation of LilyOnTheLam.Com can be summed up in this quote by Catherine Aird: "If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."

"Horrible warning, party of one ... name of Lily ... now being seated ..."

I was so cocky with my "I'll know it when I see it" mentality ... that I forgot a very important caveat -- if you're intoxicated (or distracted or not in your right mind), you may not really want what you think you want at the time.  (Can I hear an "Amen Sister" from every drunk man who took home a Coyote Ugly chick from a bar?)  So with this very important caveat, I was right back at square one with the adage: "If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot that you don't."    

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I submit to you Exhibits 1, 2 and 3 ... items purchased from the Asian dollar store in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada on the intoxicated night in question by the now sheepish-looking defendant ...  

Exhibit One

Exhibit Two

Exhibit Three

Perhaps Chuck Palahniuk should have written: "If you don't know what you want, you'll end up with a sponge in the shape of a banana where you can detach the individual banana pieces and use them if for some unknown reason you need a really small sponge."

Or:  "If you don't know what you want and you're drunk, you're going to buy a lot of tremendously cute bath products that you don't need and will feel like a dumbass when you realize you're not four years old and yet now have a collection of bath toys."

Or:  "What's It All About, Lily?  Maybe stop drunk shopping at the Asian Dollar Store and let your brain cells and wallet take a breather ... maybe then enlightenment will come to you, sister!"

Please expect to find one of the above scenarios in Mr. Palahniuk's upcoming novel, "Chick Fight Club."  I will be starring in the movie and actor Brad Pitt will play my doppelgänger, because he is basically the idealized version of me anyway.  (Insert snotty laughter here.)

I wish I had a happy ending to this blog post ... something akin to "so I pulled my head out of my ass and realized that I was in control of my life and that I need not ask what it is all about because I make my own destiny, dammit!"  But this isn't a Sandra Bullock movie.  And if it was, there would be a montage of me clothes shopping and kissing puppies ... because that's what the movie audiences want-- nay, expect-- from me.  And by God as my witness, I will deliver!  As soon as I become a top movie actress, that is.  

Also, I don't know exactly where this gets worked in but in my idealized world, I would be doing tea with Oprah Winfrey at my favorite tea room in all the world -- Podunk in New York City.  (Read about it here.)  And Oprah would say to me as she was pouring me a 2nd cup of Oolong tea that "It's all about living your best life."  

I would look her in the eye and say "Oprah honey, I am so glad you realize that having tea WITH ME is what makes your life, the best life ever."  We would laugh, but secretly Oprah would know and I would know that I was deathly serious.  I'd pass Oprah one of Podunk's amazing cupcakes and smile.

However, instead of a happy ending, an Oprah moment or a film career, I am still here - just little old me - pondering my life and my plans to redecorate my living room.  There's not even a cupcake in sight.

While I don't have an ending to this particular story, I do have a lesson to take away from it.  That lesson being that I have ascertained that I definitely do not want my emotional life nor my living room to be filled with cases of sponges shaped like bananas ... so I better keep in tune with my soul instead of just trying to blindly fill the spaces up with cute things that have little substance.  

("Cute things that have little substance" can also describe most of the men I dated in my early 20's.  Just a side note!)  

Maybe I'll never truly figure out "What's It All About?", but I have a feeling I'll be a "Better Me" for going through the exercise of asking myself the right questions versus drowning myself in cocktails.  No matter how savory or delectably garnished they might be.  

Perhaps through the process of asking myself these questions, I will be able to sort out some of my emotional baggage -- keeping the small, light-hearted carry-on stuff and leaving the steamer trunks of regret for the emotional Salvation Army to pick up and haul away. 

Until I figure it all out, I have learned to at least keep away from Asian Dollar Stores after I have been drinking ... and if that lesson is "As Good As It Gets" - it's still a pretty good lesson for not only me, but the world.  

Anyone need an Asian banana sponge?

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Click Here To Feel Better About Yourself: Lily's Random Ten Dating Disaster Blog Posts

Hello LilyOnTheLam.com Readers:

I gave up diet soda and artificial sweeteners ... 

So I'm sitting here drinking a Coke Zero (for those unfamiliar with this gift from God, it's a diet soda ... with artificial sweetener.)  Hypocrisy, thy name is Lily.  

A friend told me that she received a Trader Joe's email about a month ago that had a shout out to my blog post on Trader Joe's Unexpected Cheddar.  She hadn't mentioned it to me before because she assumed I knew.  UM NO!  So thank you, Trader Joe's (opening in Sarasota, Florida - the 2nd Trader Joe's Florida store - Friday, September 7, 2012) for the shout out!  No wonder I had so many blog hits on that post!

Speaking of blog hits (a.k.a. blog page views), I was checking my LilyOnTheLam.Com viewer stats.  I noticed some of my older dating disaster blog posts have been receiving new viewer traffic lately ...  

Shockingly for such a super hot supermodel, super genius, super lady like me; my dating life has been mostly a fiery train wreck.  I say this tongue in cheek ... OK I say the "supermodel" part tongue in cheek ... the fireball of destruction train wreck reference is pretty accurate.  

Life is short and sometimes all you can do is laugh and move on; no matter how painful or humiliating the experience.  It is in this spirit that I write blog posts about my wacky dating life.  

If you are married and wish you were still single, read some of my blog posts on my dating life ... it may save your marriage!  

If you are single and had a bad date, read some of my blog posts and trust me, you'll instantly feel better!

Here are some of my ... well I don't want to say "favorite" blog posts on trainwreck dates ...  Infamous blog posts?  Top blog posts that will make you laugh but once made me cry?  Hmmm ... my kingdom for a good label ...

How about ...  Lily's Random Ten Dating Disaster Blog Posts?  "Random Ten" because how would I judge the "Top Ten" when I probably have lived at least ten thousand dating disasters...  Wow, that's depressing to think about!  I'm going to need some macaroni and cheese, some chocolate and a BRAVO TV "Real Housewives" marathon - STAT!  

While I lay on my couch in a food coma, wondering what I did in a past life to deserve such a suck-ass dating life in this life; please check out the following "Random Ten Dating Disaster Blog Posts." 

Feel free to leave me a comment (or a commiseration or words of sympathy or even comments on whether you like Trader Joe's Unexpected Cheddar Cheese ... any feedback will do!)

And now ...

Lily's Random Ten Dating Disaster Blog Posts 
(Random Ten for now, I expect many more in the future!)

Click the links to instantly feel better about yourself.  My dating disasters in no particular order ... 

1.  20,003 Reasons To Be Happy On A Saturday ... And How I Inadvertently Slept with a Neo Nazi.

I dare you to find one other blog post that combines a review of comedienne Rachel Dratch's book along with a poignant (yeah, I said POIGNANT) admission of a fling with a guy who later became a Neo Nazi Meth Dealer.  
  

2.  Millet, Quinoa, Latin American Men And A Lot of Self Doubt

Because forced public sterilization is never a good topic for a first date.

3.  An Awkward A Capella For The New Year Or When I First Discovered I Could Never Be A Cougar

If your date is trying to convince you why you should love the Backstreet Boys, maybe you should call it a night.


4.  Why I Am A Sucker For Reverse Psychology (a.k.a. Don't Piss Off A British Chick or A Voodoo Princess)

If you tell me NOT to sleep with a guy, chances are I will probably sleep with the guy.


5.  BLUNDERBUSSED: Jar Jar Binks, Jack White and the Interruption of Modern Love

Thinking you are dating Han Solo and then finding out he's really Jar Jar Binks = Angst wrapped in Regret smothered in Nausea.


6.  The Lengths One Will Go ...

The original title of this blog post was "The Lengths One Will Go To Get A Blow Job."  If that title doesn't intrigue you, then maybe "read this blog post to understand why I had straw up my arse" will do it for you.


7.  Bad Dates and Other Things That Make Me Nauseous

Somebody gets a non-sexual body part forcibly humped in this blog post ... care to guess who and what body part?


8.  Klassy Pick-Up Lines and Other Things That Make My Heart Swoon ...

This guy didn't even get a first date ... find out what "compliment" will NOT get you laid by me.  


9.  The Holiest of Messages Are Always Delivered Via Diet Coke

This blog post is not about a specific bad date, but the general depression and lethargy I feel when I have had too many bad dates.  Read this blog if you want to hear how Jesus told me to "Man Up, Little Camper" via one of my favorite caffeinated diet soft drinks.


And last but not least ... a classic tale of heartbreak and yearning ...

10.  Wild About The Wayans Brothers and How Urkel Broke My Heart

If you know the TV show ("Family Matters") character "Steve Urkel," you'll know why my heart is aching and breaking ...   This is the story of the date that never was ... so close, but yet so far.  You had me at "Urkel" and you broke my heart, just as quickly.

I hope my stories of life, love, lust, sex, Urkel, Diet Coke and a quest for blow jobs bring a smile to your face and laughter to your heart.  

As always, thank you for reading LilyOnTheLam.com!  

(And leave me some comments, people!)


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Jealousy, Thy Name is Lily ...

I just stumbled upon what is probably the best blog name I have ever heard ...

http://www.baconbutterbooze.com/

Bacon.

Butter.

Booze.

That's fantastic!!!

It can only be improved if it was BaconButterBoozeSex dot com.  I wonder if someone already has that domain name ... I'm a bit scared to check because I'm afraid it would be porn featuring bacon and butter and booze.

I took a vacation day yesterday and declared it "National Lily Day!"  I wish I had declared it "National Lily WEEK" instead!

Happy Thursday, Readers!

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Ruby Sparks - A Spark of Life and Love

Tuesday night, Ms. LM invited me to be her guest at an advanced screening for the movie "Ruby Sparks," written by and starring the lovely and infectiously adorable Zoe Kazan.  The movie also stars Ms. Kazan's real life boyfriend of five years, Paul Dano.  

I first encountered Miss Kazan on Broadway starring with Christopher Walken in "A Behanding in Spokane."  Now it's pretty tough to be memorable when you're sharing a stage with the mesmerizing and volcanically effervescent Christopher Walken, but Zoe Kazan held her own. 

And as for Paul Dano - I thought he was great in "Little Miss Sunshine" but he was riveting in "There Will Be Blood."  I was quite excited to see what this little indie film would bring to the screen with such talented younger actors. 

Well the combination of Kazan - Dano with an intriguing storyline did not disappoint.  I found myself wondering "How exactly can this story end?" numerous times.  

I find that many indie films tend to have predictable endings, especially those written by younger writers.  The writer thinks he/she is being profound and usually it is just a lesser version of a riff off a better written plot.  I did not find that here with "Ruby Sparks."

I liked the twists and turns.  It was heartwarming without being overly dramatic.  It was refreshing, inviting and held the audience.  I would definitely recommend it.

There are also some surprising cameos ... I won't spoil it for you, go see it when it's released in your area and let me know what you think of the film.

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Sandwich Tuesday: Low Carb Wrapless Smoked Turkey and Bacon Avocado "Sandwich" and the Slider that Started It All

Happy Sandwich Tuesday, LilyOnTheLam.com Readers!

When I decided to first dip my toe into the low carb cooking and baking world, I wanted to start with low carb food blog 24-7 Low Carb Diner's recipe for a Bacon, Avocado Grilled Cheese Slider on low carb coconut flour bread.  However, the avocado I purchased was rock hard and needed a few days to ripen.  I chose 24-7 Low Carb Diner's Piccolo Panini-Italian Slider recipe for my very first low carb baking experiment instead.  It was delicious and inspired my "Sandwich Tuesday" series on my blog with various seasoned coconut flour breads.  

I had made a batch of coconut flour bread seasoned with chipotle pepper powder, cumin and jalapeño flakes.  It was excellent - smoky and almost whole wheat tasting.  However, I did not know how well it would freeze.  I let the loaf sit out on the counter for the day to dry out.  I then sliced it and placed each slice between pieces of foil and froze in a zip-lock plastic bag.  

Several days later, I pulled out two slices of my Smoky Jalapeño coconut flour bread and placed them in a toaster oven for a few minutes.  I wanted to warm and lightly toast the bread.

I thought it was time to try 24-7 Low Carb Diner's Bacon, Avocado, Grilled Cheese Slider.  I pan-fried two slices of center cut bacon and then browned one side of each coconut bread piece in the bacon fat.

After pan-frying one side of the bread, I flipped over one piece of bread and folded half a slice of white Vermont aged cheddar on the browned side of the bread.  I then folded one slice of crispy bacon on the cheese.  I placed a large square of avocado and the other half of the slice of cheddar on top and then the remaining bread slice, browned side toward the cheese.  I carefully flipped over the sandwich and toasted the other side until the cheese was melty.

This Bacon, Avocado, Grilled Cheese Slider is less than 200 calories (depending on the calorie content in the ingredients you are using) because instead of slicing the coconut flour bread into 4 pieces, I sliced it into 8 slices and used two for my sandwich.

The sandwich was delicious - the sharp cheddar, smoky bacon, smooth as silk avocado and the heat of the smoky jalapeño bread worked very well together.  This is one flavorful sandwich.  The freezing actually seemed to make the coconut flour bread even more whole wheat bread-like.  I think the process of completely cooling the loaf and letting it dry out on the counter, then further drying out in my freezer, toasting in the toaster oven then pan frying in bacon fat really made the "bread" crispier and toast-like.  I know it sounds like a complicated process, but it's not as involved as it sounds!  I was happy to find that freezing did not negatively affect the coconut flour bread, because I like trying new flavor combinations and then putting the rest of the bread in the freezer.  These frozen sliced loaves are great for last minute canapés for entertaining or a quick snack.   

(Word of Warning:  I also made a coconut flour bread with oregano and 1 teaspoon of Parmesan cheese.  It smelled great and tasted pretty good for a "non-bread."  I froze the remainder of the loaf for 2 days, then when I went to reheat it - it was all crumbly and fell apart.  It also had a weird bitter taste that it did not have before I froze it.  So while I had great success with freezing the sliced Smoky Jalapeño bread, for some reason my Italian seasoned bread with a hint of Parmesan failed miserably after I froze it.  Was it the cheese?  I have no clue.  More experimentation is needed!)  

Gorgeous little sharp smoky slider!

Since I only used one slice of center cut bacon for my slider, I had an extra piece of bacon leftover.  I took three slices of smoked turkey, cut one piece of center cut bacon in half and topped with avocado slices that had been sprinkled with a squeeze of fresh lime juice and a healthy dash of fresh ground black pepper.

I folded the smoked turkey like a taco and ate this "mock" sandwich.  The smoked turkey, crispy smoky bacon and smooth avocado with the tart lime juice was a perfect handheld "sandwich."  It was around 100 calories.  I very much enjoyed the around 200 calorie bacon, avocado, grilled cheese slider, but to be honest I found the loaded avocado "wrap less" smoked turkey sandwich to be more satisfying. Two of these easy "smoked turkey as the wrap bread" mock sandwiches would have been very filling.  It also would have been the same amount of calories as one of the bacon, avocado grilled cheese sliders.  So if you're craving a sharp cheese and bacon sandwich, try the slider.  If you're looking for a more filling lunch, try two of the simple to throw together turkey "wrap less" wraps below.  It is lower calorie than most frozen "diet" entrees.  

However if you're watching your sodium, instead of two of these turkey "wrap less" wraps you may want to try one with a side salad.  Equally as filling, however less sodium.

   
I am happy to report two successful low carb sandwiches for "Sandwich Thursday."  Try them out and let me know what you think in the comments section.  Enjoy!

Disclaimer - The following is a Google Affiliate Advertisement.  I try to choose these advertisements to coincide with the theme of my blog posts.  I like using both cast iron and stoneware bakeware.  If you are looking for a cast iron bread pan, check out this Google Affiliate Ad.

Love, Robot - A Musical Interlude

Everyone comes into your life for a purpose, even if they weren't meant to be in the picture for the long run.  


Been thinking about a certain gentleman who introduced me to this song in the You Tube video below ... A kiss and this song for KMP - who is one of those people who briefly shuttled in and out of my life.  I would look at you and quote the line: "You can play this song/ So you know I care/ When I can't be there."  


A beautiful song called "Lighthouse" from the band "Love, Robot" - I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

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Goodbye Fungus!

There are times when relationships go awry.  I have buried my head in the sand about a problem that has been festering and festering.  At first, I tried to ignore it.  Then, I tried to cover it up.  But one day, I was staring at the big, booming, ugly truth of it.  And I knew I had to act.

That relationship was between me and my toes.  There was a fungus issue that my brain refused to accept.  My toe nail grew creepier and creepier looking.  Instead of doing something immediately to take care of it, I kept the rogue toenail covered in bright polish.  I felt if no one else could see my "secret shame," I would be just fine.

Why didn't I just go to the doctor?  Because a friend of a friend had this problem and I heard all sorts of horror stories about no open toe shoes (I live in Florida, people!), no nail polish for a year, pills that can hurt your liver ... and I think zombies may also eat your brain.  That was too much for me to bear.  Instead of consulting my own medical professional to hear the true facts, I kept covering up the ugly, crusty, mean-looking toe with more nail polish and heavy coats of denial.  As if making my toe nail a dark place (with the nail polish) would actually stop a fungus that likes to grow in dark places!  My denial was making the problem even worse.

Then one day I saw a Groupon for toe nail fungus laser wizardry.  OK that might not have been the exact title.  Perhaps it was "Laser Toe Nail Fungus Treatment."  All I knew was that it was discounted laser treatment for my nasty nemesis fungal toe and it's 9 other brother and sister toes.  I purchased the Groupon, but then scheduled the appointment for 2 months later.  I had several vacations coming up and I had no clue what the after-care/effects of toe lasering would be.  Would I be able to walk?  Would all my toenails fall off?  Is there any chance I could become a vampire from this?  All important questions.  

The two months flew by.  The day before my appointment, the Laser Wizardry office (a.k.a. Ankle and Foot Center Podiatry Practice) called me and asked me to make sure I removed all nail polish from my toes before I came in, because it's flammable.  I looked down at my beautifully pedicured feet that were wearing OPI's "Dim Sum Plum" and said "whaaat?"  The lady on the phone made a teeth sucking sound and said "Flammable ... laser ... you know?"  Huh?  "OHHHH!" I said, picturing all ten of my toes spontaneously combusting into searing fingers of flame.  Evidently there was a risk of my making toe shish kabobs.  

I grabbed a thousand cotton balls and a giant bottle of nail polish remover and began trying to strip the "Dim Sum Plum" from my toes.  Evidently the salon had used a combination of super glue with my polish because it was barely coming off.  I thought about my toes on fire and kept scrubbing.  There was a tiny bit of polish around the top of my big toe that I just could not get off.  I fashioned a compress of nail polish remover soaked cotton pad and tied it to my toe, while dodging my cats who wanted to try to lick my toes.  Chemicals are bad, kitties!

I went in to the Laser Wizardry Toe place not knowing what to expect.  I had watched a You Tube video of the procedure but could not see the patient's head.  Was she gagged so not to scream out in pain during the video?  I had been in a self-imposed clueless denial fog about my fungal toe issue for so long, that going into a podiatry office not truly knowing about the procedure and any possible risks or side effects seemed unfortunately perfectly natural.  (Don't be like me!  Research it!) 

The assistant came in, sat me down in a big chair and told me she was going to take a picture of my feet.  Whaaaat?  But they are puffy with Tevas sandal tan lines!  No one warned me that there would be a photo shoot.  Was it too late to call my make-up artist?  She leaned in and snapped away without even saying "Say cheese!"

Then she told me she was going to spread lidocaine on my toes.  She looked up at me, focused on my eyes and said in a lowered voice "For the pain."  WHAAAAT?  

I told her to put as much lidocaine on my toes as she wanted - in fact did she need me to dump my whole foot in a bucket of something?  I'm sure I could still walk even if both feet were asleep, right?  She did a quick swipe of a cold substance on both of my feet.  Surely she should put some more on, right?  Then she left and said the doctor would be in soon.  

I have to say that the most painful aspect of toe lasering (a.k.a. Laser Toe Nail Fungus Treatment) was that the magazines in the Toe Laser room were all hunting and sport magazines from 2010 and earlier.  Seriously?  You're going to heat up my toe nail beds with a LASER and you can't have one issue of Entertainment Weekly or Vanity Fair to help a gal out?  I'm seriously going to bring my podiatrist some new magazines.  ("Thanks for the discounted Groupon deal.  Here are some magazines from this year that people will actually want to read.")

Now if you're a long term reader of LilyOnTheLam.com, you will know that I present myself as sort of a fluffy cartoon character.  A little more spacey and ditzy than I am in real life and a lot more diva-ish too ... or at least that's what I tell myself.  But as I sat there in the big blue chair with my feet propped in front of me with this very tall man looking at my nasty feet, I squeaked a question in a voice that was pure unicorns, rainbows and cotton candy: "How long until I can wear nail polish again?"

The very tall podiatrist looked up at me with an incredulous look as if he could not have possibly heard what he thought he heard.  "Huh?"

"How long until I can wear nail polish on my toes again?  You know, like get a pedicure and all that?"  My voice was so chirpy, the Lollipop Guild was probably doing a "Welcome to Munchkinland" dance behind me.

The very tall podiatrist squinted at me.  He paused as if contemplating about whether he should launch into a lecture that the health of my fungus-attacked nail bed was a lot more important than sporting the latest cute shade of OPI nail polish.  He must have decided against it, because he looked down at my feet and then grumbled "At least six months."  

My jaw dropped and I made a noise that one would make if you watched a room full of kittens being strangled, one by one.  This startled the podiatrist so much, that he jumped back.  Or maybe it was just the smell of my feet that had him stumbling backwards.

"Six months?  Are you serious?  Six months?"  I gasped in the same tone as one would say "You killed my mother?  Are you serious?  You killed my mother?"

He shrugged and said "Maybe more.  I am going to give you a prescription with a refill that will last a year."

"A YEAR!"  I shrieked.

The podiatrist handed me a big sun visor thing (a.k.a. sunglasses), evidently he would prefer to be lasering my toes while I made bleating noises like a kitten crying for its mama.  

He sat down and leaned in to my left foot and said "OK, we're gonna start."  With the same tone as a tattoo artist about to embark on doing a full body tattoo.  Oh my God ... we're starting?  What do I do?  I grabbed a magazine with a big deer on the cover with one hand and dug my nails into my leg with the other.  I always try to trick my body through distraction - when I get a shot, I pinch my leg really hard to confuse my pain receptors.  

Surprisingly I didn't feel a thing for the first couple toes, but when Very Tall Podiatrist reached my big toe he said "Next time you come in, make sure all your toe nail polish is off."  I felt little needle like jabs and then I could smell burning.  Uh oh, was my toe on fire?  Wouldn't the podiatrist tell me if it was?

The left foot was done, now on to the right.  The first two toes definitely had some needle jabbing slight pain sensation.  But after that, the left foot was quickly finished.  Then I saw the podiatrist go back and start working on the right foot again.  Wait a minute, how often do we do this?  I asked the podiatrist how many passes he makes with the laser.  He looked at me like I was a few bricks short of a load and he said "Well I don't count."  WHAAAAAT?  How many times do you do this if you can't even keep track?  Were we going to do each toe 10 times?  Fifty times?  Someone tell the Med Assistant I am going to need some more hunting magazines!

The procedure didn't take long, the podiatrist did another sweep across my toes and then did a more focused lasering of certain toes.  He talked with me about aftercare.  I braced myself and asked the question I had been scared to ask-- "Can I still keep wearing open toe shoes?"  He said "Yeah sure, that's not a problem."  I could have kissed him!!!

A compounding pharmacy is mixing up my toenail treatment that I will have to paint on every day, twice a day, for six months, maybe longer.  I'm still in shell-shocked denial that I will be nail polish-less for six months at least.  I think this is Jesus' way of telling me not to try the new Kardashian color collection from OPI.  

On the drive home, I stopped to buy the following ...

If I can't cover my rogue toe nail with nail polish, then it's going to be sporting a Hello Kitty bandage.  For apparently six months ... waaaaaaah!!!  Oh I know what you're thinking - won't I draw more attention to my nasty toes if one is wearing a bright pink bandage with a cat on it?  

I would rather have fifty people notice my toe with a pink bandage on it than ten people notice my scary, gross, brownish fungus toe nail.  Yes, I am that vain and that crazy.    

I could ramble on about how if I had not been so set in denial I could have treated the fungus toe early on before it became fully entrenched in my nail bed.  But really do I need to be my own "told you so" girl?  I finally did what I needed to do and hopefully my toe will get better in a timely manner.  

My first experience with a laser treatment went very well.  Barely any discomfort and was over quickly.  And no vampirism or zombie brain eating.  Win-win!

P.S.  Since my laser treatment went well, maybe I need to expand my search for a laser hair removal company ... I could be both fungus free and have silky smooth, hair free skin!  Win-win indeed!

Google Affiliate Ads - a better kind of fungus!