Things We Cannot Handle!

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

I love quality theater - whether it is Broadway or a local performing group, I am there with bells on!

Tampa's oldest performing arts group, Stageworks Theatre (at Grand Central at Kennedy near Channelside) is presenting a production of Aaron Sorkin's A Few Good Men (May 1 -18).

I have seen the movie 8 billion times but have never seen it performed on stage, so I am excited to see Stageworks' production.  I can't wait to see who they cast in the Jack Nicholson role!   

However until Stageworks' production starts, I have been (and probably will continue to be) shouting the line from the movie: "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" at my cats.  

The cats just blink at me and walk away.    

These cats are never going to make it to Hollywood with their sad, sad acting skills.

I think basing my retirement financial plan on "Wait until cats become big stars and get 20% as their manager.  Then sit back and GET RICH!" just may possibly have been an egregious error.

I once (briefly - as in one date and then NEVER looked back) dated a guy who was studying for his Certified Financial Planner certification examination.  He decorated his home like a cross between a Golden Girl and a Holy Roller (wicker furniture and black velvet paintings of a bloody Jesus dragging the cross).  

Here's a romance tip - the average person is not going to want to make out in front of a portrait of a bloody Jesus on his way to the crucifixion.  It just doesn't scream "sexy time!" 

Am I alone in this viewpoint?     

Mr. "Blanche Devereaux Holy Roller" would talk intelligently and articulately, but every now and again he would throw in a very quick dirty disgusting sentence.  He would then return back to his normal discussion as if he hadn't said the dirty come on.  

I seriously think he thought he was in the NBC Saturday Night Live Kevin Nealon sketch "Mr. Subliminal."  And that his "sneaking in" suggestive (and frankly, nasty) comments were somehow going to well … let's just say "make something happen."

I wanted to loudly say "Um, I can hear you - and it's NOT working."

I hoped it was just "immature boy sense of humor" versus "his pick-up move."  But in retrospect, I think he really thought he was working some subliminal sexual mind control on me.  (Ugh, GROSS!)  Perhaps after you finish your CFP certification boards, you should go to hypnosis school. Creepy Weirdo!

I basically had reached my limit of weirdness and abruptly ended the date.  He followed me out to my car.  My skin was crawling and I just wanted out of there.  With lightning fast precision, he grabbed my arm and pulled me toward him before I could even comprehend what was happening.  

He then opened his mouth and completely devoured my face.

He had appeared to have an average human-sized mouth, but by some anatomical anomaly he somehow managed to suck up my entire face- hairline to chin.  

I felt like he was an alien with some super-powered suction inhaling my potent life force and my eyebrows with his incredibly dripping wet tongue and mouth.

(Pause - Sorry, I needed to take a moment to just shudder at the recollection of this heinous event.  UGH.)

I shoved him away with both hands.  I was so grossed out!  My entire face was ferociously sopping wet.  How did one person have SO MUCH SALIVA?  It really had to be some sort of alien ectoplasm.  I needed a beach towel to dry off my entire head. 

Furthermore, I wanted to stick my face into a bucket of bleach.  Every pore was screaming as it drown under the mucus-y weight of alien goo.  I felt like my face had been violated!  Not romantic, not sexy - just sloppy sloppy gross gross!

This may give you some insight into my retirement financial planning.  If I have to choose between Mr. Buckets of Saliva as my Certified Financial Planner or hoping that my cats will be the next Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt … well let's just say I already plan to direct several movies starring my cats.

So dear readers, on that note … Stay DRY (no buckets of saliva)!  Stay happy!  Make sound financial decisions!  And enjoy some quality theater whether in Tampa Bay or your own neighborhood!