Guilt, Atonement and Life: Easter Sunday Musings

Dear LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

On this Easter Sunday, instead of giving you all a giant pastel basket filled with candy I have decided to post TWO LilyOnTheLam "articles."  (Trust me, your waistline will thank me!)

The first post is my "350th blog post" on Breakfast Poutine.  I love breakfast food, so to me there is no higher homage to the glorious day of Easter!  But I suppose I could also speak about life and the universe for awhile too.

Hence this post!

There is a Seth McFarland movie due to come out called "A Million Ways To Die In The West."  Recently I feel like my local as well as national news outlets could also be referred to as "A Million Ways To Die."  I feel like everywhere I look in the news cycle it is tragedy on top of tragedy on top of tragedy.  The wailing faces, distorted with pain, of the family members of Malaysia Flight 370.  The anguished parents searching the horizon for any sign of their missing children from the South Korea ferry disaster.  

Locally in Florida, a vehicle goes careening into a day care center.  Parents rush to see if they will end their day making funeral arrangements.  A man sets his puppy on fire.  The local news shows a bandaged puppy medical update every day until I want to scream at the horror.  

Trying to make sense of all the tragedy has been an exercise in compartmentalizing despair.  How does one move forward with so many painful images and stories constantly surrounding us in the news cycle?

I read a story on CNN about one of the mothers who has a daughter missing from the South Korea ferry sinking.  The ferry was stocked with school kids going to an island on a field trip.  The daughter did not want to go on the field trip because she had recently visited the island.  Her mother pushed her to go on the trip.  Now the mother is standing at the edge of the water, her daughter one of the missing.  I cannot even the fathom the sadness and (unjustified) guilt she must be feeling.

Then on Friday, April 18, I read that the Vice Principal who was the lead chaperone of the ferry school trip- one of the few rescued survivors - hung himself on a tree on the island.  I can only imagine he had intense survivor's guilt.  He must have had the most intense level of despair to consider "blood atonement."

If there were two emotions I could banish forever, it would be guilt and shame.  (Except for their deterrent effects!)  When I read about the mother who had encouraged her daughter to go on the school field trip.  I just wanted to give her a hug and try to lift the guilt off her shoulders.  Her daughter is not missing because her mother encouraged her to attend school.  Her daughter is missing because the ferry sank.  The mother could beat herself up every day of her life and it would never change that fact one bit.    

Now I don't know the story behind the Vice Principal who committed suicide.  If he had pushed women and children out of the way to get rescued, then yeah maybe he deserved to feel guilty.  But I suspect that given Asian "honor customs," that the Vice Principal's suicide was based more on perceived guilt than actual guilt.  While I am half-Asian by nationality, I was raised in the United States without an "honor custom" culture.  Hence, I see no value in blood atonement suicide.  This is not a fairy tale or horror story where blood spilled brings someone else back to life.     

Tragedy happens.  It is what we do in response to the tragedy that defines us and can re-route the course of our entire life.  If I died on Easter Sunday (most likely due to cardiac arrest from eating too many Reese's chocolate peanut butter eggs), would I want my younger sister to hang a gigantic portrait of me in her living room?  Would I want her on a daily basis for the rest of her life to cry over the ending of my short life and all the things I could have accomplished had I lived?  Imagine she had given me a basket of chocolate I was eating when my heart gave out, should she cut herself bloody in atonement for this "act"?  

Or would I rather have her do something in honor of me - plant trees, mentor children, adopt cats, donate to charities and be the best citizen should could be?  Would I want her to go the extra mile to make this world a better place for the people who are still in it instead of spending every day grieving?  

For those who know me, I think the answer is clear.  I would want people to go on with their lives - but to honor me in a positive way that helped others.  Two or more lives ruined is not the way to positively deal when one person dies, no matter what the circumstances.   

Blood atonement and survivor guilt do nothing to change the face of tragedy.  Pain does not alleviate pain.  Good deeds also may not alleviate pain, but it may add a level of comfort that helps the pain become more bearable on a daily basis.  Suicide only compounds the loss.  While the Vice-Principal may have thought taking his life would be the honorable thing to do (I disagree), how much comfort does that give his now grieving family who probably just a few days before were thanking God (Buddha, Allah, universal spirit) that he had survived the ferry sinking?  The circle of suffering only expands with blood atonement.  

I know it is easier to say than to practice, but in times of great tragedy we have to set guilt aside.  There is no value for wallowing in a teeming stew of guilty feelings.  Yes, we must experience all stages of grief to fully move forward but we should couple the journey with things to uplift the world or our community around us.

I pray that when they move the South Korea ferry they will find survivors in air pockets in the ship.  I pray that Malaysia Flight 370 is on some deserted island with all passengers and crew alive and safe.  But in addition to prayer, I will be spending my time trying to positively impact the people around me - the things that are within my sphere of control versus the things that are completely out of my control.

This Easter Sunday, I encourage everyone to examine their lives for wasted emotion.  Is there something you feel guilty, ashamed, fearful, stressed, angry or vengeful about?  Are these feelings helping you or instead damaging you?  Is there a better way to channel your emotions in a productive fashion?  Is there a way to alleviate your own personal suffering?  

Imagine these feelings as a heavy overcoat around your shoulders - pressing down on you, causing your spine to buckle to carry the immense weight.  Now imagine yourself lifting that overcoat off and setting it aside.  Feel yourself mentally standing taller, stretching out and looking straight ahead with chin lifted.

Take five minutes out of your day and write down three positive things on a piece of paper that you could do instead of feeling guilt, shame, despair, anger, etc.  Then commit yourself to taking action on these three items.  And don't look back or pick up that "overcoat" of emotion again.  I promise you that in time, you will receive more comfort from doing these activities than you would have from eating the biggest chocolate bunny.      

Happy Easter to those who celebrate Easter.  Happy Sunday to those who do not.  On this day (and every day), remember to be good to yourself.  Do not feed wasted emotions that only hurt yourself in the end.  Take your time and energy to feel good about yourself and share positivity with others.  This is my goal and I hope it is yours too.  

Remember - pain does not alleviate pain.  Self-destruction does not reverse tragedy.  Guilt and shame cannot change the world in a positive manner.  We may never be able to fully erase sadness from our lives, but we do not have to accept that as our defining emotion.