How to Lose A Man in Ten Picture Essays

Have you seen the Kate Hudson movie "How to Lose A Man in Ten Days"?  If you're adverse to chick flicks, let me lay down the concept of this movie - basically there are things that women inadvertently do that drive away men.  Kate Hudson's character decides to attempt all of them as research for a magazine article and a bet - can she lose a man in ten days by employing these techniques?  Now some of the things she does includes taking Photoshop and making composite pictures of what she and the guy she is dating's future kids would look like and filling his medicine cabinet with all sorts of unmentionable "female products."

As I was uploading pictures from my handy dandy iPhone to my new MacBook Air (Apple, anytime you want to throw me some FREEBIES, go for it!); I realized that unconsciously I must be trying to do my own experiment in how to lose a guy.

Now for the record, the guy I am talking about is absolutely adorable, wonderful and sexy - I am NOT trying to lose him, instead I am trying to entice him and then snare him into my web of seduction!  I just happen to be backasswards at the art of seduction evidently.  So while I am trying to convey the message that he should fall head over heels in mad, passionate, insane love with me ... I have discovered I am probably going about it in all the wrong ways.

Let my photo essay "How to Lose A Man in Ten Picture Essays" be your cautionary tale when trying to entice someone ... meanwhile I will be rethinking my strategy of how I am going to make this guy think I am the most awesome human being ever!

Picture Essay One (In no particular order):  Do not incessantly talk about new Apple purchases like they are the second coming of Christ.

Picture Essay Two:  Don't talk incessantly about how your cat ruined your new Apple laptop cord.  Don't talk incessantly about how said cat is an a--hole!

Picture Essay Three:  Stop talking about how Hello Kitty Jelly Bellies are really just regular jelly bellies in a box with Hello Kitty on it and how that is low effort - and that Hello Kitty Jelly Bellies should be special.  Seriously!  Stop!

Picture Essay Four:  Stop trying to take the "Pro" side of the "Why Jar Jar Binks is actually cool" argument.  He's not.  You know he's not.  So stop playing debate coach!

Picture Essay Five:  Even though you do think Ewoks are cool, stop trying to prove it.

Picture Essay Six:  Guys don't like it when you joke that their Christmas gift is going to be Barbie's Glam Vacation House.  (And why does that biatch get a vacation home anyway?  And why is it so glam??)  By the way, I bought this for my work's toys for underprivileged kids program.  I did NOT buy this for myself!

Picture Essay Seven:  You have enough cats.  Do not even hint that you want to adopt this kitten you found in the parking lot.  Especially when the guy you're trying to seduce is allergic to cats already!

Picture Essay Eight:  Maybe just stop talking about cats altogether!

Picture Essay Nine:  Stop mentioning kinky bondage scenarios where you wear typical Malaysian villager headwear and bind your beloved with Hello Kitty duct tape.  It's scary and wrong!

Picture Essay Ten:  For Christmas, do not give him a Hello Kitty Boiled Egg Case and a mold that imprints the face of Hello Kitty on said Hard Boiled Eggs.  He may be low-carbing it, but it doesn't mean he wants to do it Hello Kitty style!

Now if you happen to be slightly mentally challenged like I am (OK, maybe not so "slightly") and you happen to have committed all ten "sins" on this blog post, I guess the only remedy you have next in your arsenal is to pray!

So I am praying that my wackiness actually has some sort of magical boomerang effect where my incessant babbling on the topics above are seen as adorable versus insane.  And that somehow I will be seen as endearing and charming versus "whack job ca-razy!"

A girl can always hope, can't she?