Don't Get Inbetween A Girl And Her Burger

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

A year ago I read that In-N-Out Burger was going to be opening FIVE locations around Miami in 2014.  After that I heard not even a single peep more about this story.  Was it some elaborate hoax?  Would people really be that cruel to taunt me with the dream of In-N-Out Burger on the East Coast and a mere 4.5 hour drive away from me?  Oh cruel, cruel world.

When I recently went to Los Angeles in March 2014, I decided that I better get an In-N-Out burger while I could.  Who knows if/when there will ever be one in Florida?

I went to the In-N-Out Burger on Sunset Drive in Hollywood.  This was my "local" In-N-Out Burger from when I used to live in California.  I remember one time going to this particular In-N-Out Burger location after the Grammy Awards.  It was basically a who's who of the music industry scarfing down cheeseburgers in tuxedos and formal dresses.  For a young 20something like I was at the time, it was pretty darn awesome with a side of French fries.

The last time I had an In-N-Out burger was in early 2011.  I was working in Santa Clara, California for a week.  I was severely burned out at my then current job role and I was trying to motivate an employee who was slower than a turtle with four broken legs.  I was so filled with anger and frustration that I was afraid I might hurt someone.  Instead I bit my tongue and seethed with white hot fury.

After several days of this work situation, I had to release some steam.  I ended up at the In-N-Out Burger.  A cheeseburger, French fries and a diet Coke with no one around me annoying me.  It seriously felt like heaven.  I then went next door to the movie theater and saw "Country Strong."  Don't judge me!

Somehow the combination of red meat, fat, secret sauce and Gwyneth Paltrow as a country music singing self-destructive addict was what I needed to release all my stress.  I actually left the theater happy and hopeful.  Until the next day at work that is.

When I was in Los Angeles a month ago, I went back to my favorite In-N-Out Burger on Sunset.  It was late at night and fully packed with people.  I wanted a chocolate milkshake with my burger and fries, but Los Angeles chain restaurants post their calorie counts on their menus.  One quick calculation of how many calories a cheeseburger, fries AND a chocolate milkshake would be and it was "goodbye milkshake."

While I waited for my order, I stood over a girl who had found a small perch to eat chili cheese fries in the packed restaurant.  Good lord, how many calories were in that basket?

Maybe I need to stop thinking about calories while I am in a fast food restaurant!

My cheeseburger was everything delicious that I remembered.  I don't know what it is about an In-N-Out Burger, but it is so simple and so good.  (Side Note:  If you are watching calories, get your burger without the fatty, caloric sauce.  Or maybe get a salad somewhere else instead!)

While I love, love, love In-N-Out Burger cheeseburgers, I hate their French fries.  They taste like freezer-burned, water logged, old potatoes.  And here's the rub - I still order them … each and every time.  I will eat 3 or 4 fries, make a face and say "I hate these!"  But since I only go to In-N-Out Burger once every 3-6 years, I keep masochistically ordering them hoping they will change.  Am I the only one who does not like their French fries?  Pffft, I should have gotten a milkshake instead!

If In-N-Out Burger ever does come to Miami, I will be road tripping down there in a jiffy!  Until then, I found that beloved Wisconsin chain Culver's with their butter burgers and frozen custard has opened about 100 miles south of me.  I heard several will be opening in Orlando but I am desperately trying to forget I heard that because seriously I would drive an hour to Orlando for some cheese curds, root beer, artery-clogging butter burgers and turtle frozen custard sundaes.

(Side Note:  ACK!  Culver's is opening in Tampa Bay in June 2014!  Well there goes my diet!  Time to buy some stretchy pants!)

This latest time I went to In-N-Out Burger, there were no famous musicians eating cheeseburgers next to me.  There was no "red meat and country tragedy movie" stress relief washing over me.  There was just a girl (ok an elderly girl), her cheeseburger and some happiness.  And it was fantastic! 

The Seven Year Quest Satisfied

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

In March, I went to Los Angeles, California to attend three of the events at Paley Fest.  Once upon a time, I lived in Hollywood, California.  For this trip, I rented a studio apartment through Airbnb.com that was three buildings down from my former apartment.  It was in the historic Nirvana building on Orange Drive, across the street from the Hollywood and Highland Shopping Complex and the home of the Oscars, the Dolby Theater.

While I have flown through LAX - Los Angeles airport several times in the last couple years on my way to Australia, Malaysia, Taiwan and Japan; I haven't been in the city itself in seven long years.  

The last time I visited Los Angeles, we booked a retired gentleman turned chauffeur named Jerry and his limo for the day.  He drove us from Hollywood to the Los Olivos wine country.  We "limo-ed" to like eight or more wineries (the day all blurs together after so much wine). We loaded up that limo with all sorts of mad, drunken purchases.  (Trust me, buying a coonskin cap for a wine bottle from the Fess Parker Winery sounds like a brilliant idea when you are inebriated!  Buy yours online by clicking this link!)

When we finally arrived back at our hotel after about 12 hours, we did a pratfall out of the limo like Edina and Patsy from "Absolutely Fabulous."  The bellman basically loaded us and all of our shopping bags (like 30!) onto a cart and wheeled us inside.  I am ever grateful to the kindness of strangers in uniforms.  

(Side Note:  Check out this hysterical YouTube clip video of many drunken antics scenes from "Absolutely Fabulous.")

  
When I moved from Los Angeles, my last meal was a spicy Polish dog with coleslaw from the iconic Pink's Hot Dogs on La Brea Avenue at Melrose Avenue.  One of my male friends must have turned me on to this particular flavor combination, because I definitely would not have picked it on my own.  Cole slaw on a hot dog?  I mean, seriously!

But trust me - it works.  The fiery heat of the spicy Polish sausage with the cool, creaminess of the coleslaw.  It is my FAVORITE menu item from Pink's.

When I returned to Los Angeles seven years ago, I dragged my friend to Pinks and forced her to eat a spicy Polish dog with coleslaw.  She was skeptical but she loved it just as much as I did.

Then a few years after that visit, I was in Las Vegas.  I became very excited to see that there was a Pink's Hot Dogs at Planet Hollywood.  I stood in a very long line.  It didn't have the same street-savvy feel as standing in the massive Los Angeles Pink's lines, but a line is still a line.  When I finally reached the register to order, I was very angry to find that Pink's only had hot dogs and not the Polish sausage.  I felt cheated!  A regular Hoffy's brand hot dog (that Pink's sells) with coleslaw is just not the same!

Side Note:  The Pink's Las Vegas menu now says it has "Polish sausage" but not "spicy Polish sausage."  I'll be headed to Vegas soon, so I may have to stop at Pink's to see what the story is.

Needless to say, since it had been seven years since I had a proper Pink's spicy sausage with coleslaw; I was definitely going to Pink's as soon as I arrived in Los Angeles.  I hate to admit this, but I have dreamed about this spicy dog!  (Hello, my name is Lily and I am a food addict!)

As soon as my plane landed at LAX, I grabbed my bags, rented a scarily shaky Ford Fiesta (hey, I'm not made of money!) and high-tailed it to Pink's.  OK actually I went to check-in and the sublet first.  Then I walked from the sublet to Pink's (3 miles roundtrip) because I knew I was going to be ingesting a lot of calories!

Even at 2:30 p.m. on a Friday, there was a big old long line.  I settled in, went to my "Happy Place" mentally and about 25 minutes later I was at the front of the line.

I was almost giddy as I placed my order - "Spicy Polish Dog with Coleslaw, por favor!"  To make things even calorically worse, I ordered French Fries (even though I hate seasoned French Fries) … with cosmic orange nacho cheese (to drown out the seasoned taste)!  Oh and a diet Coke … because I'm "eating healthy."

Pink's has indoor and outdoor seating.  It was unseasonably warm in Los Angeles while I was visiting, so I chose an open table indoors.  The walls are covered with head shots of famous actors, singers, athletes and local celebrities.  Next to my table was a picture of the singer P!nk, which I thought was pretty appropriate.

  
I grabbed 12,000 napkins and was ready to begin the meal that would end my seven year quest for spicy dog perfection.

It was everything I remembered and more!  It was so delicious!  But so much food!  I couldn't even finish the spicy Polish dog and barely made a dent in the French fries.  How did I used to be able to inhale these?  Oh youth!

I also had to come to terms with a sad fact, sitting under the picture of P!nk in front of my Pink's dog.  I think I have gotten too old for the spicy Polish dog.  It was blisteringly hot and spicy with a red inside speckled with peppers.  What happened to the iron clad stomach of my youth?  Was I too old for a spicy dog?  Would I have to (gasp!) start ordering regular Polish dogs with coleslaw?  Ohhh the bloom is off my rose!  I'm old!  What's next?  A walker with tennis balls on it?

About halfway through the dog, I was forcing myself to eat more.  I think I was trying to prove I could still handle it.  I finally gave up with about 1/4 left.  My stomach was gurgle-y the rest of the day wondering what the hell I had done to it!

I'm still glad Pink's Hot Dogs was my first stop.  It really is a Los Angeles icon that every stomach should visit at least once.  I don't know when I will be back to Los Angeles, but I can tell you that when I do I will be back at Pink's.  However I am not sure whether I will be getting the spicy or regular.  Growing old sucks!