Ohhhhhh America: Put That Pig In A Tutu and Let's Read British Tabloids!

Hi LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

I wrote today's post on Wednesday night, but Thursday night I wanted to add an additional paragraph which turned into many paragraphs.  So consider this blog post - two posts for the price of one.  One sad and one wacky, which is a good metaphor for events in my life.

On Thursday, I started my work day at 5:45 a.m.  It was a hellish day and my first break was not until 8:30 p.m.!  (Talk about exhaustion.)  I am giving reviews to my employees and my first one at 6 a.m. did not go well.  I spent the rest of the day trying to recover emotionally.    

So finally at 8:30 p.m., it was the first chance I had to look at the news BEFORE my 9 p.m. conference call.  Talk about working around the clock!

I went to CNN.com and I saw a headline about a missile and a Malaysia Airlines flight.  I first thought they were talking about Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 and I said a prayer of relief that finally they had found the plane.  But then I realized no, this was another Malaysia Airlines flight - reportedly shot down by a missile.  I couldn't believe I had gone the whole day without hearing any news.  Work has been so insanely busy it is easy to forget there is a world outside my window.

If you're a regular reader of LilyOnTheLam.Com (or if you know me personally), you may recall that I spent almost five weeks living in Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia on an assignment.  I had never been to Malaysia and to tell you the truth when I heard I was going there I had to look it up on a map to see where it was.  (Public school education!)  I also somehow didn't know Kuala Lumpur was in Malaysia and I didn't know Borneo was Malaysia.  (Frankly, I'm lucky if I know where New Hampshire is ... ummm somewhere on the East Coast!  But hey, I am super good at pop culture trivia!)

I took Malaysia Airlines from Kuala Lumpur to Kota Kinabalu.  The flight attendants were some of the nicest I have met in a very long time (and I travel A LOT.)  Malaysia quickly became one of my favorite places in the world, which is a true compliment because I have been to many foreign cities (even if my map skills/geographic knowledge are questionable!)  Kota Kinabalu to me is like Florida, Hawaii and Taiwan all rolled up into one.  It is one of the most gorgeous places on this Earth.  The people are so friendly and open-hearted.  And THE FOOD!  So delicious - consistently terrific.  When I returned home, I made a Malaysian feast for my friends.    (Read about my adventures in Sandakan, Malaysia here.)

When Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappeared, I felt sorrow on many levels-- the overall tragedy and ongoing grief because no wreckage has been found and no answers have been given.  The sadness for the flight crew who most likely died in service to their passengers.  I work with people who travel all over the world - in fact two people who worked for my company were on Flt. 370.  The thought of traveling for business and losing one's life ... I can't even express the gut-punch I feel.  

I grieved for all the passengers and their families.  How torturous it must be to not have a final answer on what happened.  Most of the people on Flight 370 were Malaysian or Chinese.  I have traveled in both countries and have been treated so well by both nationalities.

Just the other day, I had been discussing with co-workers an upcoming workshop in Kuala Lumpur and who from my team would get to fly in for the event.  I knew it would not be me and I was jealous of whomever on our team would get to go to Malaysia.    

But now to hear that yet another full Malaysia Airlines flight has suffered an inexplicable tragedy ... I have no words to adequately express the sadness and sorrow for the lives lost from so many different countries and their family members who are left behind.

It is shocking and I am sure more answers will come - although probably more speculation and misdirection too as news tends to spiral out on every detail, whether true fact or rumor.  Knowing the full details will not change what has already happened.  How can you make sense of a senseless tragedy?

I had such a wonderful experience living in Malaysia.  I have so many wonderful memories that I cherish to this day.  It breaks my heart that yet another horrific tragedy has befallen a Malaysia Airlines flight.  It also makes me sad that for people who have never been to Malaysia, they may solely associate the country with these two tragedies.  This would be a shame because there is so much beauty in the country and in its proud, generous, kind people.  

I don't know why two tragedies like this have befallen Malaysia Airlines in a relatively short period of time.  What are the odds?  I pray for the families of passengers on Flight 370 and Flight 17.

P.S. Paul Brandeis Raushenbush says it much better than I ever could in his Huffington Post blog: "How Do We Respond To This Really Horrible Day?"

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Now on to my previously written Friday blog post ... a much less sad post about pigs, vegans and secret shameful love.  Sometimes the only thing we can do during times of sorrow is be grateful for what we have and try to laugh instead of cry.  I hope the following post makes you laugh and forget the world's problems, even if for a minute.

Happy Friday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

Another hellacious work week has come to an end - and the merriment of the weekend has begun!  After driving back and forth to Orlando twice last weekend, I am looking forward to staying closer to home and just relaxing.  How about you?

It is Day Five of "Ohhhhhh America!" week, where I shake my head at things shameful, disappointing or really awesome but I am ashamed to admit I think it is really awesome!

Today's post is all about Secret Shameful Love.  

It all happened when three straight girls went to St. Pete Pride Festival - basically a block party of food stands and information booths in honor of the wonderful gays and lesbians in Florida and beyond.  

One of my fellow attendees will forever be known as "Miss Freebie" because she was grabbing everything and anything that was given for free at the event.  Pens, canvas/mesh bags, paper fans, hand sanitizer, lollipops ... It was swag-a-rrific.  Watching Miss Freebie grab fistfuls of freebies made me miss my Mother - the original "Mrs. Freebie."

I had had a delectably spicy Bloody Mary at The Queens Head Restaurant and Euro Bar in St. Pete.  I'm not really sure what a Euro Bar is.  It sounds like a candy bar.  Or a bar of soap made out of colorful European money.  Or a euphemism for what a European tourist is smuggling in his scarily too tight Speedos.   

There were no Europeans sitting at The Queens Head's bar.  This "Euro Bar" sounds like false advertising to me!  But it is very worth it to go to The Queens Head to visit "the loo."  

(Look, I can speak British.  Or even Swiss British!)  

The Queens Head's Loo is wallpapered with British tabloids.  I seriously wanted to stay in there and read awhile ... but there was a long line of people waiting.  Perhaps next time!

The incredible heat, the rockin' DJ, an Atlantan soul singer who looked like a drag queen but was anatomically female, the Euro Bar Bloody Mary and a cup of super crazy good Tropiccool pineapple sorbet were all adding up to a relaxed, mellow, incredibly sweaty LilyOnTheLam.  I was slowly moving like I was crawling through pudding.  

And I didn't care.

But then I saw the most glorious sight.

It was like a syringe of adrenaline to my heart.

It was ...

     
A pig.

In a tutu.

Named Penelope.

At Pride.

The children's book practically writes itself here, people!

A young woman took a piglet, put it into a tutu and on a leash and took her to St. Pete Pride.  Probably the most amazing thing in the world.

In comparison, I realized that I lead the most boring life ever.  

How come I am not dressing up pigs and bringing them to social events?  I don't even own a tutu - adult-size or pig-size!  Suddenly my cats seemed very boring and oh so not colorful.  

"Hello LilyOnTheLam, this is your midlife crisis knocking on your door."

Ohhhhhh America, where we dress up bacon in ballet tutus.

Speaking of bacon, I saw this at Fresh Market ... 

WHAT THE WHAT ...

Vegan coconut bacon.  Bacon substitute made out of coconut.

Seriously - what the what?  AND WHY? 

I know readers, you want me to actually try coconut bacon and let you know how it is in one of my nifty product reviews. 

BUT I JUST CAN'T.  

I can't be the girl who eats coconut bacon. 

Seriously, I can't. 

If I can't be the girl with a pig in a tutu on a leash, I certainly CANNOT be the girl who eats coconut bacon either!  

Will someone please try this product and let me know how it is?  In the meantime, I'll be eating real bacon.  But not Penelope.

And in another porcine-related note, when I was real estate shopping with Mr. Cardamom Monroe I saw this beauty in a staged condo.

Whomever decorated this condo for open house viewing is a mighty super genius.  How can it get better than a graffitied paint splattered piggy on a table?

I nudged Mr. Cardamom Monroe and said "In the offer, make sure they throw in the pig.  I want that pig."

Mr. Cardamom Monroe pretended not to hear me.

"THE PIG!  THE PIG!" I hissed intently.  "MAKE SURE THEY THROW IN THE PIG IF YOU BUY THIS PLACE!"  I was NOT going to be ignored.

Mr. Cardamom Monroe pretended not to know me as he walked to the other end of the unit and discussed ways to spruce up the ugly track lighting with his realtor.

I looked at the paint splattered pig with my eyebrows arched.  "You will be mine, little piggy.  Oh yes, you will be mine."  I whispered.  

I don't care if Mr. Cardamom Monroe has to pay twice the asking price for this condo, I AM GETTING THAT PIG.  

It's important for a girl to have dreams.  

Ohhhhhh America!

New Product Wednesday: Sanrio Hello Kitty 2 GB Flash Drive

In March of this year, I had the honor and privilege to spend a month in Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia working with local businesses as a business volunteer through my company's service corps program.  I had never been to Malaysia and the prospect of living in another country for a month was sending my little brain into a giddy, whirly-gig pandemonium.  I basically could have powered the Space Shuttle with my excitement and also trepeditation of what life in Malaysia would be like.


I channeled my anxious excitement through one of my familiar defense mechanisms: SHOPPING.  I felt that if I could get together everything I needed for a month in Malaysia, this act of checking items off a list and being fully prepared could perhaps translate and make me feel reassuredly prepared emotionally as well.  As Malaysia is a Muslim country, I purchased clothes that were more demure but yet breathable for the hot climate.  I purchased large travel sized items of toiletries and prayed that it would somehow all magically be under the very restrictive 20 kilogram luggage weight limit.  I kept my fingers crossed that I could jam as much stuff into my carry-on and maybe they wouldn't weigh that.


As this was a business volunteer trip, I wanted to make sure I had some rudimentary office supplies with my laptop.  I decided to buy a new flash drive to take along with me.  I was on eBay one evening, probably procrastinating from more important chores and I saw a Hello Kitty flash drive.  It was freaking adorable.  For those of you not acquainted with Hello Kitty, check out Sanrio.com for this delightfully whimsical cartoon cat.  I lived in Tai-Tung, Taiwan for a short period when I was a child.  That experience has forever imprinted on me a love for Hello Kitty products and bread rolls shaped as animals.  (The latter is a story for another time.)


I looked at the Hello Kitty flash drive eBay seller's profile.  A vendor in China with many positive reviews.  I ordered the flash drive and promptly forgot about it.  Weeks later, an air mail package arrived.  By then I was in full "Oh my God, I'm leaving for a month in Malaysia" freak-out mode.  I threw the package in my suitcase and again, promptly forgot it.


When I arrived in Malaysia, my business volunteer team and I got straight to work.  We had project plans to write and deliverables to produce.  One month was not enough for all the work we wanted to do for our not-for-profit clients.  I grabbed my flash drive.  It was so cute.  An adorable Hello Kitty, just waiting to help me with my business needs.  I took the cap off and it fell apart in my hands.  I had been duped.  It was not a flash drive at all - some counterfeit designed to separate me from my money.  My co-workers stared at the mess of metal parts in my hands and "tsk, tsk"-ed.  I was embarassed that I had this piece of garbage in front of my work colleagues.  Since I was meeting my team for the first time, I felt like this was the absolute wrong first impression.  "Hello, I work for a tech company and can't tell a fake flash drive from a real one.  Pleasse disregard me for the remainder of the month, because obviously I'm an idiot."   


I ended up buying a new flash drive at the local mall.  It was black with silver stripes.  It was not cute but it actually worked.  I threw away the counterfeit Hello Kitty flash drive.  I couldn't bear to look at the cute cat's face because it reminded me that I had been "SWINDLED."


I don't like being duped.  I pride myself on my intuition and my ability to spot a con.  The little voice inside my head has saved me thousands of times.  I grew up very poor with a widowed mother who made sure to instill an almost paranoid fear that the world could not be trusted.  It was not that my mother was mentally ill, but she was so scared that when you have almost nothing - to have that little bit taken away from you would mean the end of your entire world.  She had to toughen herself and her daughter up to make sure we were always on our guard, ever vigilent and ever protective of the little we had.  When you live in a shady apartment project that only requires month-to-month leases, there was always someone around ready to go to any extreme to make ends meet.  Anything not nailed down would be stolen.  I learned not to walk through the common areas at night.  There was always someone desperate to pay the rent, buy drugs or alcohol and I wasn't signing up to become a victim.


My intuition has been sharpened so much so that my ego has gotten wrapped up in it.  On the thankfully rare occasion when I am hoodwinked, screwed or cheated, I become tremendously angry.  I feel like I should have known better and I question the intuitive skills of which I am normally so proud.  No one likes to feel like a sucker, especially me.  Throwing the counterfeit Hello Kitty flash drive out was my attempt to erase the evidence of my suckerhood.


A couple weeks ago, I met an amazing, handsome man - with the odd duality of being as sweet and kind as he is freakishly intelligent.  Given my inability to trust strangers openly (re-read the part on Mother-instilled issues above if you've forgotten why), I tend to start new relationships - whether romantic or otherwise- off on an overly cautious footing.  "Please submit in triplicate the details of where, when and how you are going to hurt/disappoint/shatter me emotionally.  Thank you!"  I'd like to say that I condemn my suspicious nature, but I cannot.  Being wary of new people in my life has saved me emotionally and financially on numerous occasions.  I find it difficult to want to be less suspicious because it feels like I would be beckoning malfeasance.  (Which by the way, "beckoning malfeasance" would be a great name for a depressed indie rock band.)  So I set myself asail with cautious emotional baggage and only with time and experience with someone, do I start throwing the streamer trunks overboard along the journey. 


Last week, the new person in my life (a.k.a. "The Bad-Ass Bandit" or "B-Bandit") came over to take me to a movie.  A pretty normal activity - nothing Earth-shattering - just a typical Friday night to most.  However, he brought me a gift in a pink bag.  I was surprised at his thoughtfulness.  Not my birthday, not a gift-giving holiday.  A "just because" gift.  Which to me, is one of the best gifts one can give.  I opened the bag cautiously and there was a Sanrio Hello Kitty 2GB USB flash drive staring back at me.  B-Bandit did not know about my Hello Kitty flash drive experience in Malaysia.  Nor did I tell him about it.  He only knew that I love Hello Kitty items.  I was shocked staring at the flash drive.  On what cosmic level, did fate play a hand in guiding B-Bandit to a Hello Kitty flash drive?  I didn't know what to say to him because it was such an amazing coincidence.  I stared at the gift for awhile and then just threw myself on him for a hug that was probably too tight of a death-grip squeeze to be a socially acceptable response to a gift.

I feel like many of my past relationships have been like the counterfeit Hello Kitty flash drive - cute on the outside and a pile of crap parts masquerading as love on the inside.  To someone who strongly prides herself on being able to outfox those who would dupe her, this cold hard fact of my past is something that burns hotter than I ever care to admit.   


I'm not naive enough to think that I'll ever reach a point where I can completely let my guard down in 100% of all situations.  Life will continue.  Sometimes I will see the trap before I fall in.  And other times, I will stumble into a tiger trap of sharp spears and be angry that I didn't see it coming.  But for one evening, it was absolutely fantastic to receive a gift from someone who had no idea how truly special the gift was for me.  With no knowledge of the back story, B-Bandit righted the previous sour experience and endeared himself to me in a way he could never imagine.  If only all bad experiences could be so easily course-corrected. 


On this eve before Thanksgiving, I am very grateful for the little acts that mean the world to me.  And if they come in cute packages too- well, win-win!