The World Is Your Oyster

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

Well I am planning my next big international adventure, so check back in a few weeks to see where I end up next. 

The other day I posted a very short blurb referencing an old post I wrote about "Thoughts having power."  I didn't have time to write more on this theme (hence the reference back to an older blog post.)  What I should have written about was that both positive and negative things running through my head have suddenly materialized into reality after I had the thought.  Not to sound too witchy or crazy, but at times in my life I have thought about someone or something and they just appear within 24 hours of the thought being thrown out in the universe.  I guess it's like The Secret or Law of Attraction ... I guess, I've never read anything on either.

Now I will say that this phenomenon usually is really a Murphy's Law jinx.  I will think of someone who is horrible and then BAM! the next day I will run into them.  I'd prefer if my thoughts could make winning lottery numbers and not arseholes appear in my life.  

BUT with the bad always comes some good and as I said above, recently both positive thoughts as well as negative thoughts have been manifesting themselves.

Since I didn't have time/energy to write about this fully in my previous blog post, the universe threw me another curve ball as a reminder that I should have written the post in the first place.

(Side note:  I live near a playground with the world's noisiest children.  As I type this I can hear what I assume is a small girl but maybe a bratty adult with a super high voice, screeching "ENTERTAIN US!  ENTERTAIN US!"  I don't think she's quoting a Nirvana song.  I live in a world where there are too many Veruca Salts and not enough Mother Teresas.  Although if I am to be brutally honest, I myself am the patron saint of the Veruca Salt camp.)

About a week or two ago, I was in a gift shop (a.k.a. "stuff I don't need but really want" shop).  One of the items in the shop was the cute book "I Could Pee On This ... and Other Poems By Cats."

If you are a frequent LilyOnTheLam.com reader, you will know that I am 900 years old and have 47,324 cats.  And no, I don't see this as a problem.  I also have an obsession with all things Hello Kitty and plan to create a church around the blessed teachings of Sanrio.com.  You might as well start calling me "Your Holiness" right now.  (Side Note: I was on the phone with British Airlines today and the very nice gentleman representative kept calling me "Mum" which I think he was just saying "Ma'am" versus calling me his Mommy.  However either way I was tickled and had to stifle a laugh.)

Being a 900 year old crazy cat lady, I will not admit how many times I have looked at "I Could Pee On This" in stores and almost bought it.  It's practically a medical necessity for someone like me.  But up until now, I have avoided using my precious cat food money to buy this adorable book of kitty wonderfulness.

So yesterday I find a small box from Amazon.com in my mailbox.  I open the box and there is "I Could Pee On This."  My heart dropped to my stomach.  What the heck?  Did I get drunk and go crazy with the "one click" button (the devil) on Amazon.com?  I would like to say I have never drunken shopped online before but I would be a big fat liar if I did.  But I generally have some memory of the shopping experience.  Standing with the book in my hand, I had absolutely no memory of ordering it.  Oh great, now I am not only a compulsive shopper but a blackout drunk too!  So many new "healthy" items to add to my resume!    

Then I saw in the box was a gift message from my father.  The book was a gift!  I let out a giant cheer (scaring several neighbors) that I was not a blackout drunk shopaholic (... well at least not yet)!  And then I had to chuckle that a week or so ago I was standing in front of this very book wishing to buy it myself and then voila it magically shows up in my mailbox.  It was like my blog post "A Miracle At Starbucks" - the universe provides!  Or in this case, my father and his generosity provides!

Of course, my gut reaction when these types of wishes come true is always "I should have wished for something BIGGER!"  I'm not only a crazy cat lady but a demanding one at that!  

I have been extremely blessed in my life and I try not to take anything for granted.  We are having a lot of changes at my work and it would be easy to be a Chicken Little running around declaring the end of the world, but why?  Life is good.  Sometimes it sucks, but overall it's pretty darn awesome.  

I am so excited for my next upcoming trip.  I'll be spending a very short time in a place I have always wanted to visit (tacking the trip on to the end of a work trip).  Whenever I accomplish a goal or satisfy a bucket list item, I get a Cheshire Cat high.  Or perhaps a Mad Hatter high!

Seize the day, LilyOnTheLam.com readers!  The world is your oyster and if you're lucky enough, someone awesome may just give you a book of cat poetry.  And THAT is something truly special!    

Foiled By The Hungarians and Why Michelle Pfeiffer is An Alien

Hello My Wonderful LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

I am back!  I have been in Austria, Hungary and Slovakia - working, eating EVERY pastry in sight and carrying on conversations in part German, part Italian, part French, part Hungarian, part Russian and for some reason really broken English!

Between working and eating, I hopped a train and spent a day in Bratislava.  Being in Central Florida, it takes me a good five hours to leave the state - so watching 2 episodes of Scandal and 1 episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta on my iPad and I go from Budapest to Bratislava?  Sounds pretty good to me!  

By the way, my fellow passengers were intrigued as I watched Nene Leakes preparing for her Cirque Du Soleil Zumanity emcee role in Las Vegas.  I was like "People, Apollo Nida is being sentenced to jail!  I have to watch!  And why are you watching over my shoulder?"  (I could throw in a piece about why did Apollo get 8 years and Joe Giudice of Real Housewives of New Jersey get like half of that ... but I don't want to start a war with any Bravo TV reality fans!)

Anyway, reality TV watching aside ...  I am happy to be back on U.S. soil - and my 900 cats are happy I am home as well.  The first night I slept 10 hours straight without stirring.  I woke up to find myself completely surrounded by cats.  If I had slowly stood up there would have been a perfect body outline of me done in cats.  OH MY GOD:  "CSI: Cats" has been born!  Forensic kittens solving crimes!  Mid-season TV replacement Spring 2015.  Watch for it!

I actually tried to post on my blog from Hungary but my computer kept picking up Google: Magyarorszag (a.k.a. Google Hungary - Hungarians are actually known as Magyars, which I prefer name-wise.  There's something very Genghis Khan about it.)  Anyway Google kept turning my Blogger links into Hungarian and with a belly full of Palinka (Hungarian fruit brandy) and pastry, I just had no patience to be blogging in Hungarian!

So with an almost three week lag, I am BACK to blogging American-style.  No more foreign Googles, googling up my links!  

I have so much to write about - and let's be honest here, I still haven't written much about my LAST trip to Hungary.  Nor my trip to Minnesota before that.  I have been busy, people!  But I needed to "break the ice" and make sure I had some posts for November 2014.  Can't miss an entire month!

So I dedicate this first post back from Europe #2 to the blog Pfeiffer Pfilms and Meg Movies.  I do this because as I received 2 weeks worth of held mail, I had Entertainment Weekly's Reunion issue and this picture was inside ...

From Entertainment Weekly

A reunion photo for the cast of the movie The Fabulous Baker Boys - Beau and Jeff Bridges and of course Michelle Pfeiffer.  I dropped the magazine and said out loud to my 900 cats: "Good lord, how does Michelle Pfeiffer still look so good?  She has to be like 80 now.  What the hell?"  (OK she's 56 years old, but jeez she doesn't look it at all.  Is she killing young virgins and bathing in their blood?  Impressive!)

Which looking at the picture reminds me of the one and only time I have ever met Michelle Pfeiffer.  And by "meet" I mean sat 3 rows ahead of her at Baz Luhrmann's "La Boheme" on Broadway.  I was discreetly posting Facebook status updates before the show began when I kept noticing patrons popping up like Prairie Dogs with excited looks on their faces.  (Don't ask me why I capitalized prairie dog - it just seemed appropriate.)

Finally after the 800th Prairie Dog popped up, I turned around to see what everyone was staring at.  Three rows behind me (6th row) were Steven Spielberg and his wife Kate Capshaw, Bruce Springsteen and his wife Patty and David E. Kelley and his wife ... Michelle Pfeiffer - who had slunked down in her seat and was hiding behind her program.  (My spell check says slunked is not a word - well it is now.)

Now I loves me some Michelle Pfeiffer, but I wanted to say "Honey, you're sitting next to Bruce Springsteen and Steven Spielberg - there's no need to hide behind your program!  Not all of the eyes are on you!"  (Which by the way, Bruce Springsteen was standing up without a care in the world.  He might as well have held a sign that said "Hey, I'm Bruce.")  

But I have to say in Entertainment Weekly's reunion photo for The Fabulous Baker Boys - definitely all eyes are on Michelle ... just like they were for the movie (in my opinion!)  So maybe hiding behind her Playbill program keeps wrinkles from forming on her face.  Whatever you're doing Michelle, just keep doing it!  (Young virgins, beware!)

With winter approaching, it has actually become quite chilly in Tampa.  I am nursing two blisters on my right foot that I received from wearing super cute tall boots for 12 miles as I tromped around Slovakia.  (Yes, I sacrifice my feet for fashion.  I'm female!)  

And it rained yesterday in Tampa, so instead of going for a long walk to burn off all the European pastry calories-- I headed to the Casino and won $144 on The Walking Dead slots.  (I gave part to the Salvation Army, part to Publix's Thanksgiving feeding people in need campaign and I kept some of the winnings for myself because hey, I'm not a saint!)  

As I inhaled cartons' worth of second hand smoke in the casino, I felt like the klassiest dame in the joint!  Oh gambling and people in stretched out polyester, so glamourous!

Before I went on my latest European odyssey - I ran into a friend of a friend who was with some other people.  I was talking about my European and Asian work trips and one of the people I did not know looked at me and said, without sarcasm or bitchiness: "You are amazing and have a fascinating life!"  

As I try not to pop my blisters and am surrounded by snoozing, content cats; I laugh and say - "Yes, I am amazing and have a fascinating life!"

Thank you for stopping by, my amazing readers!

You Don't Have To Be An Evil Fairy To Have A Good Cake And A Good Birthday!

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Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

If you read my July 24, 2014 blog post, you'll know that I talked about Maleficent the evil fairy from the children's tale "Sleeping Beauty."  You may have wondered why I picked that particular topic.  

Well it was my birthday this week (I am 974 years old!) and I wanted a special cake to memorialize the celebration.  There are not many holidays where we specifically celebrate with cake.  If I were French, I'd have a buche de noel cake for Christmas.  But I'm American!  

Thanksgiving gets pumpkin pie.  Valentine's Day - a box of chocolates if you're lucky.  Arbor Day - don't even get me started on the lack of swag for that "holiday."  Sometimes people will make a "flag cake" for Flag Day, but evidently I don't know any of "those people" because I don't see anyone knocking down my door to give me cake.  

Basically unless I get married this year, the only opportunity to have an "official cake-sanctioned holiday" is my birthday.

So what kind of cake do you get to celebrate a once a year event?

I was procrastinating from cleaning by reading "news" stories online, when I saw a picture of Angelina Jolie doing a press junket for her movie "Maleficent" in Shanghai, China.  It was also her birthday, so the press conference people presented her with this lovely birthday cake.

I have been to Japan, China, Taiwan, Thailand, Macau, Malaysia, Australia and New Zealand and what I have learned is "Asia Pacific Bakeries make GORGEOUS cakes."  

This cake was Crazy Awesome - Maleficent with her staff with the Shanghai skyline behind her and ohhhh that purple fondant.  I wondered if the cake inside was green as Maleficent is known for her green and purple tones.  I knew instantly I needed a Maleficent cake like this for my birthday.

Now I know what you're thinking -- "Lily, you're already practically Angelina Jolie's twin ... gorgeous supermodel looks, insanely hot husband, six children, millions of dollars, humanitarian ... do you really need to have her birthday cake too?"  That is what you're thinking, right?  RIGHT?

Or maybe you're thinking "Lily, the only thing you and Angelina Jolie have in common would be a birthday cake, so go to it, Crazy Cat Lady!"  (You're not thinking that, right?  RIGHT?)    

I MUST HAVE THIS CAKE ... and I knew immediately who could do it for me ...

Sweet Tweets Cakery of Tampa, Florida.  

Sweet Tweets makes the most amazing cupcakes, but it is their cakes that have me speechless in awe.  

Just a selection of Sweet Tweets many flavors - "The King" cupcake is my new favorite

I once had them make a strawberry champagne cake in the shape of a Tiffany's box.  It was absolutely the right shade of Tiffany's blue.  They also made mini cupcakes with pirate flags for a Gasparilla party that were THE hit of the party.  

If you go to Sweet Tweets Facebook page, you'll see that Sweet Tweets makes some pretty darn amazing cakes.  They have a wedding cake with cherry blossoms on their profile picture that is beyond gorgeous.  I may have to get married just so I can have that cake.  (If you see a Craigslist post that says "Marry me, so I can have cake;" you will know its me.)

I told Sweet Tweets I wanted a smaller version of the Angelina Jolie cake minus the Shanghai buildings.  I emailed them photos and kept my fingers crossed.  

And this is what they presented me with ...

Look out behind you, Maleficent!  There's a Chibby Kitten stalking you!

  
ISN'T SHE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CAKE EVER?  I know it's MY birthday cake, but come on ... she is perfection covered in fondant.  (I also liked that when I picked up the cake from Sweet Tweets, the Sweet Tweets staff referred to the cake as "her" - women after my own heart who understand that a Maleficent cake is NOT an "it" but a "her.")  

Maleficent is so regal with her green jewel topped staff!  She is cute and yet slightly dangerous looking - exactly the look women have been trying to perfect for centuries!  

I was trying to take glamour shots of my lovely Sweet Tweets cake when Chibby Kitten tried to jump into the scene.  I rescued my beautiful cake before he could POUNCE!  That would NOT have been a good picture had he reached the cake and took a big swipe out of it. 

The cake is almond with an amaretto filling.  I asked for the cake to be tinted green.  I don't know if Angelina Jolie's cake was green, but I was determined that mine would be!  The Sweet Tweets staff suggested tinting the amaretto filling purple - I trusted their judgment and I looooove the result!

Under the fondant, the cake had the most sinfully, smooth frosting.  The cake was perfectly moist and delectable.  The cake had a circle of edible gold chocolate pearls around it.  So delicious!

Several friends who could not join me for "the big day" requested cake, so my freezer is filled with slices carefully wrapped that will be distributed later this week.  (And for Mr. Cardamom Monroe - sometime hopefully in August if his relocation to Florida occurs soon!)

I can't get over what a beautiful job Sweet Tweets Cakery did on my birthday cake.  I know at age 974, I probably shouldn't have a birthday cake with a cartoon character on it ... but life is short!  Do I really want to be on my death bed thinking "I wish I had had a Maleficent cake?"  I can tell you my answer is a booming, resounding, resolute "NO!"  

My friend Ms. Wisconsin asked me if I was going to keep the Maleficent cake topper.  I said "You bet, I am going to freeze her and bring her out to top French toast, hamburgers, anything I am eating I am going to stick her in!"  (And I was only half joking!) 

(Side Note:  I picked up my cake the day before my birthday. Since I and my friends have no willpower, I picked up a four pack of Sweet Tweets cupcakes to keep any hungry cake eaters away from my beautiful, beautiful cake.  I also learned an important lesson - my new Kipling purse [birthday gift to me!] can hold a four pack of cupcakes!  I can just hear my friends saying "where are our cupcakes?" the next time we go to the movies.  "You bragged on your blog that your purse can hold a 4 pack of cupcakes, so we expect you'll be smuggling in cupcakes to any and all movies we see!"  Sigh ...  Darn these friends of mine!  More income will be going to Sweet Tweets in the future!)

White Wedding, Peanut Butter, The King and Banana Cupcake - because why have one when you can have FOUR?

Normally I'd crop my gnarly feet out of the photo but I would like to point out that
my zebra flip flops match my black and white skirt - which is about as color coordinated as I get.
But even more important, I can fit FOUR JUMBO SWEET TWEETS CUPCAKES
in my new Kipling purse!  

After eating the most beautiful cake ever, I had a wonderful birthday celebration at Armani's Italian Restaurant.  This is my most favorite place to go to watch the sunset over cocktails and a platter from their large antipasti bar.  If you are in Tampa Bay, you must go.  It is a memorable experience.

The view from Armani's

Our selected antipasti from the large antipasti bar

Two Desserts In One Day?  Well, it is my BIRTHDAY!

Armani's is at the top of the Grand Hyatt Tampa Bay Hotel.  I love this hotel for its location by the Bay and a lagoon as well as its restaurants Armani's and Oystercatchers.  They have a slightly elevated walkway along the edge of the marshland off the Bay.  It is a gorgeous walk where you can often times see waterfowl.  I once took my sister to brunch at Oystercatchers and there was a Japanese anime convention at the hotel.  It made for delightful people watching.

On the grand occasion of my birthday, the Grand Hyatt did not disappoint.  A "motorcycle enthusiasts" group made up of retired military, police, fire fighters and other helpers/first responders was having a convention at the hotel.  I have never seen so many motorcycles in one place!  And I have never seen so many bikers with so much alcohol in one place!  

(For the record my answer to "what did you do for your birthday?" is now "Partied with a hotel full of bikers."  OK that wasn't exactly the truth but we talked to three leather-clad gentlemen in the elevator as we were leaving and I took a picture by about 100 motorcycles.  That counts, right?)

The service at Armani's is always stellar.  We had two gentleman waiting on our table that night.  The head waiter Jerry was very attentive and helped us select some great options.

My 974th birthday was a wonderful event -- an amazing Maleficent cake, a wonderful birthday dinner with a wonderful view, wonderful service, wonderful company, wonderful conversation, wonderful food, wonderful motorcycle enthusiasts (ha!) ... just plain wonderful.

(Side Note:  Share my beautiful Sweet Tweets cake on Pinterest!  Click here to pin!)  

No Cake For You, Chibby Kitten!!!!!

And like all fairy tales, my night ended happily ever after!

Whether you are looking for an amazing cake or an amazing place to watch the sunset and have a great meal, Tampa Bay has some amazing options!  I hope you will check out both Armani's and Sweet Tweets!
   
P.S.  When did my little blog surpass 150,000 page views?  I turn around and I am already at 151,000+!  Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading my wacky tales!  I know other blogs may get 150,000+ page views an hour (or a minute!) but I'm just a wacky person in Tampa Bay so I appreciate every single page view.  Thanks for making my day!

Why Dressing Up My Cats Was Probably Not The Best Idea

Dear LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

If you're a regular reader, you know that I have 3,114 cats.  (OK maybe it just feels like I have that many!)

I try to give my cats a good life - fuzzy blankets, a ridiculous amount of catnip toys, cat furniture that does not go well with any decor, cat treats, etc., etc.  

And they in return give me lots of love … and cat vomit.  

The last time I was at my neighborhood Petco (or was it Petsmart?), I found Christmas costumes for cats.  Now don't get me wrong - I'm not the type of person who dresses up their cats for each holiday.  But looking at these little cat costumes, I had a stirring - I think I wanted to be like one of the Bravo TV's Real Housewives of (Name City Here) and dress up my pet.  

Call it temporary insanity, but I bought two cat costumes.

Oshi - like a little businessman!

Oshi - this is the picture that will be used in my animal cruelty trial

Finnerty - not happy

Now call me a Crazy Cat Lady (you wouldn't be the first), but I think these Christmas cat costumes are adorable!  (And if not adorable, then HYSTERICAL!)

I was quite pleased with my purchase and as you see above, I made sure to acquire much photographic evidence of cats in costumes.

The other day I was putting together pictures for my holiday card and I realized that I had no clue where the cat costumes were.  I looked all over the house - even though I distinctly remembered where I had left the cat costumes.  But there was no sign of the cat costumes anywhere.

The only conclusion I can reach is that the cats stole (and most likely destroyed) the cat costumes out of pure hatred and shame for having had to wear them.  I am not sure if they themselves stole the costumes or hired an outside contractor to do the dirty deed.  This will be a puzzle for the ages.  

Who knew my cats were so good at removing and destroying evidence?  CSI may have to write an episode based on my cats' antics.

I was surprisingly sad to find the Christmas cat costumes missing.  Goodbye dear sweet clothes that gave me so many laughs!  Who knew my cats would be so anti-costume?  There goes my idea for top hats for New Year's and angel wings for Valentine's Day!

The moral of the story - evidently if I really love my cats I shouldn't dress them up purely for my amusement.  

I am not sure if I have actually learned my lesson or if I just need to find a more secure spot to store my cat couture.  

Time will tell.

Adventures Of A Nighttime Shopaholic And A Property Damaging Kitten

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

I hope your Monday is off to an excellent start.  I have been spending a good part of my Monday fixing things that went wrong over the weekend, so I am hoping this week will go a lot smoother.

I have a confession to make.  I am a nighttime shopaholic.  The devious devils with the "one click" shopping cart at Amazon.com have been my downfall.  Because I always go with the free super saver shipping option, I am inevitably not reminded of my nighttime internet shopping sprees until two weeks after they happen.    

Eighty percent of the time I open the box and think "Did I really order this?"  One evening I opened a box and there was the book "Cat Daddy: What The World's Most Incorrigible Cat Taught Me About Life, Love and Coming Clean" by the colorfully named Jackson Galaxy.  I turned the book over and over in my hands like it was some space age wonder.  Did I really order this?  Is this a joke from one of my friends?  Did the cats learn how to use my laptop?  

Now I am primarily a non-fiction reader, so most of what I read tends to be biographies and memoirs.  Given this, it is quite possible that on a nighttime shopping bender, searching books on Amazon.com that I one-click ordered this particular biography.  However, I had zero recollection of doing so.

Here's the thing - I don't think of myself as a cat person.  I don't love all cats in this world.  I just love my cats with an insane passion.  If you bring me your cat I am not going to gush all over it and take its picture and ask it to stamp its paw like an autograph.  It's just not going to happen, cat lovers.    

When I go to the vet, I survey the other cats in the waiting room and in my head I pronounce my cats much cuter and smarter and much more likely to host their own television show than any of those other cats.  

Yes, I am the secret vet waiting room judgmental biatch.  I own it, proudly.  I'm probably judging you and your cat right now - and I'm probably finding your cat lacking in a large number of ways.  OK not probably.  I am.  I am judging you and your cat right now - and you simply don't measure up to my cats.  Someone had to tell you.  And that someone is me.  

So as a non-cat person, I have no desire to read about other people and their cats.  Zero.  Zilch.  Zip.  Until my cats release their autobiographies, my bookshelves will remain cat book-free.  

But here I was with my Amazon.com order and this book called "Cat Daddy."  Maybe I thought I had ordered the biography of some New Orleans jazz musician?  Who knows? But what am I to do in this situation?  Return it?  Nahhh-- too lazy to go to the post office.  I decided the universe must want me to read this book ... and so I did.

The book was very good.  Heart felt with a good combination of dips between laughter and sadness.  The end of the book brought tears to my eyes and I felt a vice gripping my heart.  I would absolutely recommend the book both to people with cats but also people who need a reminder that there is a better life out there - throw off your addictions and seize the day.  You'll be surprised what is waiting for you, if you do.  

As I am a robot and do not like to show human emotion, the stirring of emotions I felt over reading this book had to be processed and dispatched right away.  I instantly went to Twitter and sent a Tweet to the author of the book.  (The afore-mentioned colorfully named Jackson Galaxy - who I guess is the host of Animal Planet's television show "My Cat From Hell."  Sorry, since I am not a cat person I have never watched Animal Planet.)  

Because I think I have undiagnosed Tourette's, I tweeted Jackson Galaxy (@JacksonGalaxy) and said something to the extent of "Damn you for making me cry with the ending of your book!"

I find it is very important and productive to curse at people whom you don't know on social media.  I think any etiquette book would say that it's perfectly acceptable to do so, right?

Well God Bless Jackson Galaxy's Twitter account.  I don't know if it is THE Jackson Galaxy tweeting back ... or an assistant ... or an intern ... or a very smart cat.  But I received the absolutely most perfect reply back to my Tweet. 

"Damn you for crying!"  

If you look at the lefthand column of this webpage, you will see that I have appropriated this quote for use in publicizing my blog.  

It's been probably a year since this event happened and I purposely did not give an explanation as to why Jackson Galaxy would tweet "Damn you for crying!" to me.  

I find it more mysterious this way - what did LilyOnTheLam do?  Is she an unstable emotional beast?  (Yes.)  Did she get in a social media fight with the host of an Animal Planet television show?  (Not yet.)  Why was she crying and is Jackson Galaxy really to blame?  (Anybody's guess at this point.)

But this weekend, the moon and the stars aligned and it seemed like everything that could go wrong was going wrong.  And one of the many things that went wrong involved a certain feline kitten named Colonel Rufus T. "Chibby" Chibs.  (Don't judge me - that's his name!)  

Chibby learning how to shop online

Usually my cat Finnerty takes the prize in causing havoc in my life.  He even has his own section on this blog entitled "Why My Cat Is An A**hole."  He has bitten through one of my $80 MacBook Air power cords and is now making a run at eating another one.  I am very close to turning him into a hat.  

Well now Chibby Kitten looks up to Finnerty and evidently he has decided to join the campaign.  (Or as friends call it "The Roving Feline Ninja Death Squad Missions.")

I'm not going to indulge Chibby Kitten with a retelling of his fiendish ways.  Instead I am going to include my Facebook status and its accompanying picture ...

Chibby feigning remorse

Lily's Facebook status today that accompanies the above picture:

"Listen, I thought climbing the shower curtain was a good idea at the time.  How was I to know that I would bring down the shower curtain rod- smashing the porcelain towel rod fixture and spraying you with a billion sharp shards of porcelain?  I'm a kitten!  The sooner you get over this, the happier we will both be."

Jackson Galaxy - do you need any new stars for your television show?  I'm ready, willing and able to start shipping my cats to Hollywood.  

Happy Monday People - I hope you live in a world where cats are not trying to kill you.  I cannot say the same for myself.  Check out Jackson Galaxy's book "Cat Daddy." It's a good read that will have you both smiling and crying at times.  

Also, please pray that I live another day safe from The Roving Feline Ninja Death Squad.

Happy 250th Blog Post! Pickles, Cats, Trader Joe's, Mermaid Zombie Killers and Me

Hello LilyOnTheLam.com Readers:

This is my 250th blog post.  I haven't written since May because I wanted my 250th blog post to be on something amazing and awesome.  But since I wasn't the Floridian who won the big Powerball jackpot, my day to day life seems pretty pale in comparison.  Finally I decided I am just going to write about a melange of regular LilyOnTheLam.com topics ... so buckle up and here we go ...

1)  More evidence that Lily is crazy ...

I was at the store the other day and for some unknown reason, I thought it was truly necessary to buy a half-gallon jar of pickles.  I like pickles but this jar is like 15 times bigger than any jar of pickles I have ever purchased in my entire life. (And if you're a regular reader of LilyOnTheLam you may remember that I am 976 years old, so that's a long time of buying appropriately sized jars of pickles.)

All I can say is obviously I am going through a manic phase.  A manic pickle phase.  Is that in the DSM-5?  

I like pickles and most of my friends like pickles, but seriously this jar of pickles is bigger than my head.  Who needs that many pickles?  Evidently I do.  

I really feel like I should just head out to the beach and just give a pickle chip to every person I see.  Kind of like Johnny Appleseed, except my name is Lily and I have pickles.  Lily Picklechips?  That could totally be my drag queen name if I were a drag queen ... except I am lacking a penis.  Lily Picklechips NoPenis ... Lily Picklechips NoPenis the Third.  Yes, that is absolutely my new drag queen name.  See me at a Hamburger Mary's or gas station near you!

I tried to make this picture more colorful by putting a polka dotted washcloth
as a backdrop, but I think it just makes it look more weird -
like I am a clown or something.  A clown with a ridiculous amount of pickles.

I would like to say that in trying to understand why I felt it necessary to buy such a large jar of pickles that I grew closer to truly understand the mysteries of life and in turn embraced the inner workings of my complicated psyche.  But um I haven't ... all I know is that whenever I open my refrigerator I think "Bloody hell, that's one big ass jar of pickles.  WTF?"  It's like I am a split personality and one of my alternate personalities went whacko pickle shopping.  

Settle down Sybil, I don't need any more pickles.

2)  Yeah cats ...

What would a LilyOnTheLam.com post be without some cat-related news?  My friend Miss Cindy Lou-Who bought me this cat bed which coincidentally matched the kick ass "Morticia Addams boudoir" themed tea nook that I created in my condo.  Some would call it a dining area, but I'm going with "tea nook."  It's all about seeing things differently, people.  This picture is the baby Chibby giving Oshi the stink eye.  Which is pretty much a daily occurrence in this home.  I really don't have much more of a story than that, but pointless cat tales are kind of my thing ... so there ya go.  Happy 250th blog post!

3)  Trader Joe's

My blog posts about Trader Joe's products tend to be the most highly read, so a 250th blog post would not be complete without a Trader Joe's product review.

There is a strong rumor that Trader Joe's is coming to South Tampa (read the Tampa Bay Times article here.)  If the rumor is true, construction will break ground around the time of my birthday ... I am hoping the rumor is true because it would be a pretty crappy birthday present if it was not!  In honor of the possible new Trader Joe's, here is a review of Trader Joe's Lemongrass Chicken Stix.  (Yes - stix.  I believe that is the traditional Viking spelling.)

Product after baking

I would love to say for my 250th blog post that I loved the Trader Joe's Lemongrass Chicken Stix appetizers.  Unfortunately I am not a big fan of food with floral tastes.  Ingredients like rosewater make me feel like I am eating perfume.  I adore lemongrass in EvilShenanigans.com 's Thai coconut curry braised short ribs (read about my making them here) but the Trader Joe's Lemongrass Chicken Stix appetizers were very heavy on the Lemongrass.  For me, it was like spraying an egg roll with old lady perfume.  But if you're a big fan of lemongrass then I think you'd really enjoy these.  So Lemongrass fans, check these out.  But for me, I will pass.

4)  And last but not least for my 250th blog post ... a restaurant review.

The Mermaid Tavern in Seminole Heights had posted on their Facebook page that they had Crispin's Prepare to Die Hard Cider on tap, so I knew I needed to get there ASAP.  I first had the "Prepare to Die" cider at the American Beer Classic in Chicago.  It has blood orange and killer bee honey and it is ridiculously delicious.  However when I arrived at the Mermaid Tavern the bartender told me they did not have this cider and she really wished that they would start getting it.  Oh Mermaid Tavern, you lured me in with a bait and switch!  The bartender did recommend the "Zombie Killer" - a cherry cider that was crazy delicious.  It is not as good as Julian Cherry Bomb Hard Cider, but it was a close second.  

Mermaid Tavern also now has a nice dinner menu.  My friend AF had the portobello flatbread which looked gorgeous.  ZE had the blue cheese burger and I went with just a side of truffle fries.  I like the Mermaid Tavern because it reminds me of my misspent youth, where I would hang out with my fellow elementary friend Kevin inhaling copious amounts of secondhand smoke at the local "Elks' Club" while Kevin's dad drank himself into oblivion.  Oh youth!   

Truffle Fries!

The truffle fries did not taste like truffle oil at all ... just regular fries, but they were still pretty darn tasty.  I would like to try more menu items from Mermaid Tavern.

Thank you readers - to those who have just discovered LilyOnTheLam.com and to those who have been with me since the beginning.  It has been a wacky 250 blog posts and here's to future blog posts.  As always, thank you for reading!

The Secret is OUT!

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

After my beloved cat Mr. Lo passed away last December, there has been a terrible, gossip-mongering rumor that I have adopted a kitten named Colonel Rufus T. Chibs (a.k.a. Chibby) and have put him to work ghost-writing my blog.

I am here to emphatically deny that this is taking place.  

As we all know, cats can't use computers.  

I hope this puts an end to the drama surrounding the legitimacy and authorship of my blog posts.

Pay no attention to this picture!  It is not evidence of anything!

It is also my sister Squidge's birthday today.  Sleeping kittens everywhere wish you a Happy Birthday, Squidgie Lou!

Colonel Rufus T. Chibs - Military hero?

Lizard Blocked: How a baby albino gecko is ruining my seduction efforts!

Some people are good at math.  Some people are good at singing and dancing.  I, myself, am talented in the art of seduction.  If you are a regular reader of my blog (and you should be!), you'll know that I enjoy the company of renegade men.  I decided to say "adios" to wicked paramour Sergio when he went from occasionally childish to full-time wickedly immature.  Here's an excerpt from my final goodbye to him:


Whiny Sergio:  "You don't understand me.  I'm like Charlie Harper on `Two and a Half Men.'"


Fantastic Lily:  "Sergio, they killed the Charlie Harper character off this season.  Maybe if you'd pay your electric and cable bills, you would know that."


I can't fault Sergio too much.  If I had a mountain of debt all in final judgment crashing down on my head, I guess I'd be running off to Denial Junction for a long vacation too.  Look at me, I'm Peter Pan!   But I like to fancy myself an adult and I can't sugarcoat myself into a vapid bubble like Sergio is trying so hard to do.  God speed Sergio! 


The next stop on my dating train was a gentleman I'll call "Baby Huey" - by the nickname you may have guessed that it did not go well.  But that's a story for another time - we're talking about seduction here.


I was about to throw in the towel when an utterly charming man stumbled upon me.  When I met him, my eyes bugged out and my brain screamed "YOWZA!"  Sexy, rugged, amazing, ferociously smart and accomplished ... I was smitten in two seconds flat.  Why two seconds?  That's the amount of time it took my brain to stop screaming "YOWZA!" and actually process a different thought!


This amazing, amazing man shall be known as "The Badass Bandit."  Or B-Bandit, if profanity is not your thing.  (And seriously, if profanity is not your thing - maybe LilyOnTheLam.com is not your thing either.  I'm a smutty sailor!)


Since I am a master at the art of seduction, I turned my red-hot radar at B-Bandit.  I'm on safari.  This is big game territory and I'm ready!


Now for those of you who need some tips on how to seduce, let me tell you my patented method ... you can send me a check for $499.99 later.


Step One:  I announce to the sexy man:  "I am single, over 30 ... and have cats."


Basically if you say Step One correctly, you don't really need a Step Two.  This one line will have any man eating out of your palm.  It is so simple and yet so effective.  I think that's the real beauty of it - zen-like in its simplicity.  It's like some Buddhist chant.  Gets 'em every time.


Now 98% of the time, Step One works ... but every now and again, you gotta bust out the heavy artillery.  B-Bandit was some world-class game and I knew I needed to pull out the elephant gun to bring this hottie down and mount him on my wall.


I moved from Step One to the top secret Step Two.  What's Step Two, you ask?  OK send me a check for $100,000 later ...


Step Two:  I smile coyly and then announce to the sexy man:  "I have a Hello Kitty waffle maker.  It makes waffles.  In the shape of cat heads.  CAT HEADS.  Waffles.  Cat heads.  Yep."


Mature, educated, accomplished men over 30 cannot resist hearing about a single woman over 30 with a Sanrio Hello Kitty obsession.  It is like catnip to my condo full of cats. 


It's really almost unfair to pull out a line like Step Two.  Poor B-Bandit and any other man who hears this lyrical seductive poetry are absolutely powerless against the allure. 


Oh yes, I had B-Bandit just where I wanted him.  He could tell that I was a sophisticated woman of the world who meant business and he wanted a piece of that.  Game on!


Yes, game on until ...  I got ... Lizard Blocked.


Have you heard of c*ck-blocking?  Yeah, I got freaking blocked by a reptile!


As you can tell from Step One and Step Two described above, B-Bandit saw me as an intelligent, sexy, adorable woman- basically on the same level as your top global supermodels.  OK honestly?  Even better than those hags!  B-Bandit was under my spell and ripe for the picking. 


What "The Badass Bandit" didn't know was that I have a secret.


Cue soap opera music here ...


Yes, a terrible secret. 


I have a fear of baby albino geckos.


Yes, there - I said it - and I'm not ashamed.  My name is Lily and I am afraid of baby albino geckos.


And the little f*ckers know it too!


A couple weeks ago, I was driving my car - which may or may not be a Bentley Convertible (OK may not!) - and I screamed in horror as I was driving 30 miles per hour to see that sitting menacingly on my window was a gecko.  He took one look at me as to say "Yeah biatch, I'm riding on your car - wut ya gonna do bout it?"


Don't believe me?  I snapped some pictures while screaming and driving ...

Oh the horror, the horror!

   
This gecko rode on my hood for MILES before climbing underneath my hood, sending me screaming even louder.  This gecko, plain and simple, wanted to kill me.  I suspect he is a robot gecko from the future.  How else can you explain him just chillaxing on my hood like it's a day in the park even when I sped up to 45 miles per hour?


Please don't call PETA on me!


I still shudder at that menacing grin and those beady eyes - taunting me!  A decade's worth of therapy is not going to help me!


So back to my tale of B-Bandit and the Lizard Blocking ... I had this sexy man right where I wanted him - seduced.  But then a baby albino gecko somehow got into my house and was running all around - reducing me to a screaming, whimpering mess as I kept pointing at the gecko to my cats and whispering through clenched teeth: 'KILL!  KILL!"  My cats looked at me puzzled - wondering why the hell I was hopping up and down on my tip toes and pointing at the wall while foaming at the mouth.


I went to grab a cup to put over the baby albino gecko - with its beady eyes and translucent skin and thump, thump, thumping heart - but the gecko looked at me with a "Not so fast, biatch" and went running into my guest bedroom.  I was getting ready to go to the gym before I spotted the baby albino gecko, I grabbed my shoes and ran out the door.  I screamed back to the cats "TAKE CARE OF THIS BEFORE I COME HOME!"


In my hyper neurotic state, I told B-Bandit about my close brush with death.  Why?  Oh why, did I do that?  I had put in so much time and effort seducing B-Bandit.  I mean first there was step one ... and then there was step two... that's a lot of work, man!  And I threw it all away by confessing that I was batsh*t crazy when it comes to baby albino geckos.


Here's a tip - nothing breaks the foggy hold of seduction like a grown woman whimpering about a baby albino gecko.  I am going to have to devise a step three - because my big game safari may be coming to an end if I can't find a better arsenal! 


I was LIZARD BLOCKED.


Why do geckos want to hurt me?  Why do geckos want to ruin my love/sex/lust life?  Why?


Why?


Because they can. 


It's a cold hard truth that I must face.  Geckos are out to get me and their souvenir trophy is going to be my lack of a love life! 


When I returned home from the gym - an extra long session to give the cats more time to get that baby gecko - I did not see the baby gecko anywhere. 


But I could still feel his presence - somewhere out there in the dark - mocking me.


What if he was nestled up in my California King-sized bed, just waiting for me to get into bed? 


What if he wanted to spoon?


ARGH!!!


I may never sleep again.


B-Bandit told me he'd come catch the lizard for me.  Perhaps the baby gecko wasn't 100% effective in lizard blocking me after all ... could B-Bandit still be entranced by my two step seduction method? 


 Only time will tell ... Stay tuned!