You Need To Tighten The Lid On Your Box Of Crazy

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

Since Venus went out of retrograde (is that the correct terminology??), I decided to devote more time and energy toward my dating life.  I don't know if it will bring me a healthy romance but it certainly has given me more entertaining stories to share during Happy Hour with friends!

From a very early age, people have told me that they think I am an "old soul."  I had one slightly odd "psychic" in Maine tell me I pre-dated Stonehenge.  Yeah look, I know I have wrinkles - but come on, I am not THAT old!  

I'm not sure whether my soul is old or if I have just been a judgmental biatch from an early age.  (My money is on the latter!)  I seriously have recollections of being around 3 years old and thinking about adults around me: "Well, you made an unfortunate life choice there."  

What 3 year old is giving side eye and talking shady?   

Evidently this pre-Stonehenge toddler does!

And since I have been judgmental from an early age (or for centuries), I have to remind myself to reel in the eye rolling when someone says something outlandish to me.  So much so that I feel like someone with Asperger Syndrome who has to learn how to show "societal conversation empathy."  

(Which by the way, I am currently reading John Elder Robison's book "Look Me In The Eye" - his fascinating memoir about growing up with undiagnosed Asperger Syndrome.  Check it out!)

A test of my lack of proper social skills came in a tall, dark-haired, athletic package.  Let's call him Mr. New Age.  I am all for bettering one's self and as someone who occasionally visits shamans and psychics and has 900 cats, who am I to judge others?  But after talking with Mr. New Age, I was Queen Judgmental of the Planet Condescension!

But let me explain ...

First, I was interrogated on what I have done to make this planet better for all mankind.  

Um OK, I volunteer with various organizations ... and um, I'm pretty so I beautify the world (bwahahahahha) and um ... I'm #TeamHuman.  I even have the bedazzled tank top proving it.

Is this the Miss America pageant?  Sheesh!  What have YOU done, Sir?  

Then I was asked about what percentage of my diet is organic.  

Really?  I mean, really?  Is this the new screening process for potential relationships?  "I'm sorry Sally, you eat 56% organic but I only date those who eat at least 74% organic.  Thanks for applying, but don't call me because I won't call you."

I tried to estimate my organic food percentage but all I could think about was the McDonald's cheeseburger Happy Meal I had recently purchased so I could get the Hello Kitty toy.  I am kinda doubtful whether that nuclear orange cheese and burger were organic!  And I ordered fries instead of apple slices!  Oh the humanity!

But I held my tongue and just kind of soft-shoed around the organic question as best I could.

Non-organic plastic, anyone?

Then Mr. New Agey talked about his intuition.  I made the mistake of saying that I thought I was pretty intuitive.  (Which honk my own horn here, BUT I AM!)  He mocked me and said if I was very intuitive I would be able to travel to other galaxies and access the Akashic Records.  Ugh, is that like a David Bowie cover band?  (Just kidding, but I mean - COME ON!)  

And by the way, how the heck does HE know that I am not levitating my way to other galaxies?  My luggage could be covered in stickers with all my space exploration.  My friends could be wearing "My BFF went to other galaxies and all I got was this lousy shirt" t-shirts!  It could happen!   

At this point I kind of spaced out ... which by that I mean, I was wondering whether being "really intuitive" also meant I could stab him with a fork and get away with it.  I pondered the odds of my escaping the law when suddenly I heard him saying something about eternal twin flames.  

I guess this is like a fancier version of a soul mate.  He said that once he learned he had an eternal twin flame that he was more relaxed about meeting people and dating.  I seriously had to hold my eye balls in place to not my roll my eyes.

Now I could have listened to his words and just said nothing.  That would have been the polite thing to do, I guess.  But if you're a regular LilyOnTheLam.com reader, you will know that I have the impulse control of a toddler who just ate a gigantic bag of fun size candy bars washed down with a 2 liter of Mountain Dew.  

Yep.  I just could NOT help myself.

I launched in to a discussion of Plato's Symposium and the line from Hedwig and the Angry Inch about "no cosmic lover pre-assigned" ... this was evidently the wrong thing to say to Mr. Eternal Twin Flame.  I just pooh-poohed his entire notion of a pre-destined soul mate!  He literally gasped as if I had deflated his soul.  

Um, whoops!

He then inquired - "So you don't think it is all predetermined?" 

Oh come on!  If you truly thought that your entire life was predetermined, why would you ever get out of bed in the morning??  I cannot believe that there is a spiritual deity that is micromanaging the nuances of my day to day life.  "On Tuesday, I'll make sure the Starbucks is out of non-fat milk and really ruin Lily's day!"    

So I said to Mr. New Age "I don't think anything is 100% predetermined."

Wrong thing to say.

You would have thought I said "I love killing puppies and babies for fun!"  He was so utterly horrified by my words.  

And that, my friends, is when I muttered, out loud: "You need to tighten the lid on your box of crazy!"  

I seriously can't believe that came out of my mouth!  

It was like I had an out of body experience.  One where I could NOT control my mouth!  (Maybe I am one step away from tiptoeing through those Akashic Records and levitating to distant galaxies after all!)  

I mean, it was what I truly and honestly felt - but I can't believe I said it out loud!  

WHOOPS!  

Is it too late to lie and say "Ooops, I have Tourette's"?  

So much for self-restraint or positive interactions or #TeamHuman for Lily On The Lam!  Queen Judgmental has made her royal appearance!

Maybe one day I will be a mature adult, but evidently not today.  

If I do have an eternal twin flame, I am pretty sure he doesn't suffer fools lightly either!  

Needless to say, Mr. New Age and I were not a love connection but the story has given me endless amounts of laughter over the INSANITY of it all.

I hope this tale of my new age dating angst made you chuckle!  And if it didn't, just levitate yourself over to another galaxy and think it over some more!  Thanks for reading!    

The Things We Take For Granted: Happy Parents' Day!

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

This morning when I logged on to my Instagram account, I saw that one of the MANY Hello Kitty accounts that I follow was celebrating "Parents' Day."  My first thought was "Um hello, we already had Mother's Day in May and Father's Day in June - now it's Parents' Day in July?  Those greedy bastards!  What will August bring?  Parents' Day - Part 2?"

Little did I realize when I woke this morning that I would be thinking a lot about my parents today.  And not just because the fine folks at Sanrio implanted it in my brain.

It is my birthday weekend (I am now 987 years old!) and I have been celebrating in "Golden Girls" style with a weekend in Boca Raton, Florida.  It is my first visit to Boca Raton and as I had guessed - it's much nicer than Tampa with better Jewish deli options.  I love a good Jewish deli.  When I visit New York, I always make sure there is time for some matzo ball soup.  

Amidst the "celebration of me," I have also taken some time to catch up on my own personal journal writing.  For about 3 months straight I wrote in my journal every day.  Then in May, I fell off the wagon and have been very bad about writing.  I am trying to get back in the habit.  

My brain functions so much better when I give it the chance to "offload" all the junk in my head via journal writing.  In keeping with this "deep thoughts" mood, a couple things happened this weekend that have me thinking about life and the things we take for granted.

Today I read a sad story about a 29 year old woman, Faigy Mayer, in the tech field who committed suicide.  According to the story, five years prior she had left her ultra-Orthodox Hasidic community.  In doing so, her family severed all ties with her.  Although in leaving the community, she - as a woman - was now free to pursue a career in technology without religious oppression (some ultra-Orthodox communities do not allow women to have access to smartphones), the price of losing most of her family seemed to weigh heavily on her.  

In Boca Raton, I visited the Morikami Museum and Japanese Gardens and the so delicious, it hurts Kapow Noodle Bar.  It was a very "Asian" birthday celebration for me.  I thought a lot about my parents during my birthday celebration - how they would both very much enjoy the lovely Japanese gardens and the amazingly delicious noodle bar.  

I read about the first Japanese farming settlement in Florida - "Yamato."  According to the Morikami Museum, almost all of the Japanese settlers returned to Japan after frustrated farming in Florida.  (And no, I didn't mean for that to have an alliterative air - it just happened.)  My mother was an immigrant to America and I wonder how many times in her first early years here did she perhaps wish she was back in her homeland.  

When I spent a month in Malaysia, after two weeks I went to a Western grocery store and purchased diet Coke, a baguette and some Brie.  I was so tired of fish and noodles for most of my meals.  I wanted to embrace my Western heritage - and evidently my Western heritage is chemical-laden soft drinks and French food.  ;-)

With these thoughts of family and cultural struggles, I read the sad story about Faigy Mayer.  It really hit home for me just how much I take my parents' support and encouragement for granted.  They fully support the career choices my sister and I make and have never put restrictions on what we can or cannot do as women.  (And yes, we both have smartphones.)  

To think that there are people who are ending their lives because they do not have the support that I, myself, take for granted - there are no words for that depth of sadness.  I will say that the human race may not always get the family we need and so for those who do not have support and acceptance, they should build their own family of friends who love and nurture them.  Faigy Mayer reportedly echoed this in her Facebook post.  

There's a saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I finally saw the documentary "Amy" about singer Amy Winehouse - who died of acute alcohol poisoning (and it has been speculated that her death may also have occurred due to weakened condition from the effects of alleged long term bulimia) four years ago this past weekend.  She had so much talent, I wanted to reach through the screen and somehow bring her back to life.  With people who commit suicide, I have the same hopeless feeling - like I want to turn back the clock and save them from themselves.

But I can't.  

No one can.  

Instead on this "Parents' Day" (who decides these holidays??), I am thinking about all the consistent love, support and encouragement I take for granted from my parents - and wish to thank them for always being there.  My sister and I are truly lucky - and so many others do not have what we have.

Deep thoughts for a Sunday!  I hope you are having a great weekend, LilyOnTheLam readers!  And as always, thank you for reading!        

P.S.  Hours after posting this, I watched the season premiere "I Am Cait" about Caitlyn Jenner, formerly known as Bruce Jenner.  She also talked about suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I realized that the post I had written earlier today could also ring true for issues in the transgender community.  I read this opinion article on CNN.com about an internet meme Director Peter Berg posted.  I like Peter Berg's work very much, so the opinion article made me sad but I absolutely agree with the author's statements.

Selective Memory ... The Search For Mega-Size Desserts Continues

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

Way back in October 2012, I wrote a post about my friend's husband who I refer to as "The DW" (short for "The Dog Whisperer" - I won't explain why he has this nickname, because I want to force you to read the old post and increase my click count!  I'm evil, I tell ya!)  

The 2012 post was about The DW and his "Big Green Egg" grilling system contraption/space machine.  I enjoy this old post because it combines my two favorite things - grilling and admissions of my own personal insanity.

It seems that every three years, I am legally required to write about "The DW" (although let's be honest, the post is ALL ABOUT ME, loosely disguised as being about someone else ... so here goes ... catch ya next time in 2018, DW!)

When I was young (about 974 years ago), I had a photographic memory.  However each year I aged (sadly and unattractively!), I seemed to lose a little more of this amazing memory.  I recall in high school French class I could visualize what page number certain vocabulary words were listed on in my textbook but I might not be able to remember the actual English translation.  

(Which by the way was not a great hinderance because I learned that if I spoke English but with an abrupt nasally accent and a look of haughty disdain, usually the French would understand me.  This also may be why they hate Americans ... just a thought.)

As I continue to age I find that my brain only holds on to the most trivial of memories.  In fact, I have several friends who tend to interrogate me for details - none of which my brain feels important enough to remember.  

At some point during the interrogation I usually let out a shriek and scream "NO, NO, I DON'T KNOW!  I HAVE A "ONE IN, ONE OUT" POLICY FOR MY BRAIN!  IF I REMEMBER WHAT COLOR SO AND SO'S COUSIN'S HUSBAND'S DENTIST'S SWEATER WAS; I WON'T REMEMBER HOW TO DRIVE TO VILLAGE INN!"  

And if you know anything about LilyOnTheLam, forgetting how to get to the 24 hour pancake restaurant would be a fate worse than death!

It has actually become quite amusing what I choose to remember and what my brain just doesn't have the bandwidth to retain.  A perfect example is a little tidbit that I am pretty sure I have held onto for several years now.

"The DW" attended graduate school on the East Coast of Florida.  One very innocent day, he posted a picture or a link or made reference to an ice cream parlor he liked on the eastern coast of Florida on his Facebook page.  

That ice cream parlor?  Jaxson's Ice Cream Parlour and Restaurant of Dania Beach, Florida.  The mention of this ice cream parlor (or "parlour" if you enjoy an extra "u" - and really, who doesn't enjoy a superfluous "u" on occasion?) embedded in my brain like a diseased tick.  No sharp tweezers were going to pull the thought of an ice cream parlour from my brain.

Jaxson's makes homemade ice cream and serves it in ridiculously large serving sizes.  I may not be able to name all the Amendments to the US Constitution, but my brain thought it was absolutely imperative to remember the name of this ice cream parlour/parlor in case I was ever near Dania Beach, Florida.

Several years went by and then suddenly one day I found myself in Miami.  Which with my lifestyle, this is not an odd occurrence to find myself in other cities.  Like the old movie "Sybil," I find myself just waking up in other cities.  

Two weeks ago I was in Raleigh-Durham.  I woke up in a hotel and had absolutely no idea where I was, who I was or what this whole world was all about.  

It took about five minutes for me to figure out that I am LilyOnTheLam (which is pretty awesome).  

I was in a Doubletree Hotel (yay free cookies!).  

I was in North Carolina.  (Um, ok.)

I was on a business trip for work.  (Pfft - annoying.)

And most importantly, I had packed everything I needed.
WHEW!  (Oh and I still remembered how to drive to the nearest pancake house!  Double whew!)

But for this particular trip to Miami, I was on a mission to go to the Brazilian consulate.  I was desperately trying to get the officials to change their currently 5 week visa processing time to 2 weeks as I have to go to Brazil for work.  (Where are my free cookies?)

My face was a combination of sadness, devastation and yet hopeful optimism regarding the potential levels of kindness and compassion of Brazilian consulate workers.  

For the record, this was exhausting.  

Ninety percent of the time, my face is in permanent "bitchy resting face" - so trying to mold my hardened features to approximate some level of hopefulness, caring and kindness is quite a feat.  I'm worn out just thinking about it!  

Even though I arrived 15 minutes before the Visa office opened, I was like 40th in line for the two hour window that the Brazilian visa team was entertaining in person visits.  

I will say that the guard at the door was extremely nice, but that's really all I will say about my experience at the Consulate until I get my Visa!  Kidding!  JUST KIDDING!  

Lucky for me, I brought a big book.  Unlucky for me, the book was a lame rip off of "Fight Club" and annoyed me more than the "2 open windows for 100 people" Brazil visa line.

Side note:  As of the writing of this post, I have still not received my Brazilian visa - BUT I AM OPTIMISTIC!  That's all I can be right now.

After the ordeal at the Brazilian consulate, my selective memory whispered out to me: "Hey, you're on the East Coast of Florida - how about you check out that place The DW mentioned on Facebook 97 years ago?  The one with the ginormous bowls of ice cream?"  

When I am sad, frustrated, blue, angry or whatever - five words always make me smile.

Ginormous

Bowls 

Of 

Ice

Cream

I grabbed my GPS and set out to chart my course to this mythical sounding "Dania Beach, Florida."  Thanks to DW, this day in Miami did not have to be a total disaster.  There were calories that needed to be ingested and new pockets of fat that needed to blossom on my body!  To Jaxson's Ice Cream Parlour - STAT!

As I drove, I wondered what kind of homemade ice cream I would like to try.  (Pre-planning a BINGE is sooooo important!)  I knew that Jaxson's had a "kitchen sink" dessert - a gigantic vat of ice cream for four people that cost around $50.  Since I wasn't wearing my "stretchy pants" or a disguise, I thought that getting the "gigantic dessert for four people for one" was probably not the best idea.  

I mean, it's actually kind of a great idea but also it just begs for someone to take a picture and suddenly I am "Stressed Bitchy Resting Face Elderly Woman Devours Mega Sundae for Four After Annoying Brazilian Consulate Workers.  Video of the Horrific Gluttony at 11 p.m."  It's like my own personal immersion into Honey Boo Boo land.  

So maybe a dessert known to be a heroic feat for four people was not the sensible caloric choice for this lone gal from Tampa.  (Just maybe.)  But I did know that whatever I ordered at Jaxson's, I wanted marshmallow topping on it.  I am not a giant marshmallow topping fan, so I can only assume I was having some sort of marshmallow deficiency that day.  It's like anemia, but marshmallow related.  I'm pretty sure I read something like that on WebMD.  

I arrived at Jaxson's and was mesmerized by the circus like decor (which by the way, was my SECOND circus like restaurant I had visited in 2 days in the greater Miami area - everything is better under a "big top tent."  I'll write about my experience at Donut Divas - yes it's called "Donut Divas" in a later blog post!)  

I soon noticed that "The DW" had failed to mention Jaxson's sells Hello Kitty merchandise.  Evidently "The DW" doesn't share my ravenous love of all things comically cat-ish.

I sat down with the HUGE Jaxson's menu.  All the food seemed to be super-sized.  It was like The Cheesecake Factory menu on steroids.  At heart, I didn't want a one pound hot dog or a hamburger bigger than my head ... I just wanted a sundae.  

So I decided to throw out modern convention and just ordered a sundae as my entire lunch.  

The waitress asked "Do you want a free bowl of fresh popcorn with that?"  

"Well yes, sure."  I wasn't a savage after all.  Now my lunch had both food groups represented - popcorn and ice cream.  My diet is so healthy!

Now Jaxson's has a huge list of homemade ice cream flavors, but I have to admit that when the waitress came over I totally panicked.

There were just TOO MANY CHOICES!  There was a section titled "HUMONGOUS OFFERINGS."  Seriously?  "Spectacular Goblets ... Colossal Parfaits ..." and a giant section devoted just to HOT FUDGE SUNDAES.  

How could I be expected to choose something on my own?  Do the good people at Jaxson's not understand how feeble-minded I am?  I need to have the court appoint a guardian just to help me make ice cream choices in my best interest!  A "Guardian Ad Whipped Cream," I believe is the correct legal term.  

I could NOT decide.  My head was spinning.  Why, why, why was life so difficult?

My eyes scanned the list of sundaes and I chose one of the top ones on the list - because it had marshmallow topping and pound cake.  Who can say "no" to pound cake???

The sundae I ordered was called "Two On A Blanket" which sounded a little too sexual for me but also reminded me of sausage rolled up in a pancake (Pig In A Blanket).  I wondered if my sundae would be topped with a sausage instead of a cherry?

For the record, the Jaxson's menu describes the "Two On A Blanket" sundae as two cuts of pound cake with scoops of chocolate and vanilla ice cream, hot fudge, marshmallow, toasted almonds, whipped cream and cherries.  It's like a description of heaven.

What seemed like two seconds later, the waitress brought out THIS ...

Now I could lie to you and say that this sundae looks large because of the cropping of the photo or the moon's gravitational pull on the Earth, but I respect you and this sundae too much to turn to lying now.

THIS SUNDAE WAS FREAKING HUGE!   

If anything the picture above doesn't do justice to how freaking mammoth this sundae was ...  I seriously shrieked "OH MY LORD JESUS" when I saw it.  Other patrons oohed and ahhhed ... all eyes were on me and this monster sundae.

When the waitress set the "Two On A Blanket" down on the table, the sound of the THUD from the heft and weight of this sundae could be heard in neighboring counties!  Gee, I am glad I also have a giant bowl of popcorn just in case I get hungry!

The American flag toothpicks inserted into the top of the sundae served two purposes for me.  One, proof that I may be a glutton but I am a patriotic glutton. 

And two, I felt like I was doing my own exploration to the summit of Mount Ice Cream.  Instead of writing a book like Krakauer's "Into Thin Air," the depiction of my ice cream mountain odyssey was more "Into Fat Belly."  

But a noble and worthwhile trek, nonetheless ... or at least that's my opinion!

The vanilla ice cream was your normal standard vanilla ice cream.  But Jaxson's homemade chocolate ice cream was the stuff of a chocoholic's fevered dream.  

It was SO RICH, SO CHOCOLATEY, SO GOOD.  

I just kept shoveling the whipped cream, nuts and marshmallow topped chocolate ice cream into my mouth and making noises that I am ashamed to admit to here.  

Let's just say my fellow patrons at Jaxson's were significantly scandalized by the noises emerging from my ice cream coated mouth.  I also think they did an "I'll have what she's having" order as well!

This sundae was amazing.  The marshmallow topping was thick and marshmallow-y.  The pound cake was soft, fresh and buttery.  The ocean of whipped cream was lush and delicious -- and the toasted almonds were toasted, crunchy perfection.  This sundae was a WINNER.

The year 2016 will be Jaxson's SIXTIETH anniversary.  In a time where restaurants seem to come and go in a blink of an eye, it is good to know that a place that serves gigantic sundaes is still giving Florida it's all!  

I would like to return to Jaxson's next year and try another one of their ginormous sundaes in honor of their 60th anniversary.  I think if I start working out today and don't stop until 2016, I may just burn off the calories I ingested from just a mere portion of my giant Two On A Blanket sundae.  (A girl can dream!)

The moral of this story is that as one gets older and more things fight for space in our consciousness, do yourself a tremendous favor and only hold on to the information that serves you well.  

And in this case, the information that serves me the best is the location of a homemade ice cream parlor that serves portions as big as my body!  Thank you DW for turning me on to this Ice Cream Wonderland!

If you're on the east coast of Florida, make it a priority to check out Jaxson's Ice Cream Parlour ... but don't forget to bring your stretchy pants and extra stomach!

The Obsession Continues ...

Happy Sunday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

Next weekend in Los Angeles, California will be the first ever Hello Kitty Convention.  The old gal is 40 years old and she is having a party!  I seriously considered going for the event because sadly I am a ravenous Hello Kitty fan.  In fact, I suspect there is a subset of the population who rabidly hate me and downgrade me for my love of Hello Kitty.  To them I say a resounding "Suck it!"  There are worse things to be addicted too.  Love me for my Hello Kitty obsession or just walk on by!

As I have been traveling up a storm lately and will be traveling up a storm again very soon, I decided that a cross-country trip for Hello Kitty was probably not the best idea.  I hemmed and hawed for so long that finally all the convention tickets sold out.  Fate's way of saying "You waited too long, sister!  No Hello Kitty for you!"

I don't know if there is a huge scalpers' market for Hello Kitty convention tickets, but I don't want my picture splashed across newspapers with the headline "Elderly, Senile Crazy Cat Lady arrested in Undercover Hello Kitty Convention Ticket Scalping Raid."  I fully own my questionable obsessions, but I don't need to publicize them THAT widely.

Since I cannot go to the Hello Kitty Convention in LA, I did manage to pick myself up this little souvenir of the Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris, France when I was stuck for an incredibly stressful 2 days when flying home from Budapest.

When friends' children come over, invariably one of the kids will ask me if they can have my Hello Kitty from Australia or China or San Francisco ... and now this delightful one from Paris.  I usually gasp in real horror and say "NO, NO, A MILLION TIMES NO!" and then run off sobbing.  

That may be an exaggeration, but it also may not.

To further publicize how sad my obsession has become, I recently ordered this item ALL THE WAY FROM ISRAEL on eBay.

It's a frying pan that makes mini pancakes with various Hello Kitty forms on them.  

I know what you're thinking - "Who doesn't need a Hello Kitty pancake pan?"  

You are so right.

EVERYONE needs a Hello Kitty pancake pan.  But don't even think of stealing my Israeli pan!

I have a Hello Kitty waffle maker which evidently they no longer manufacture.  I live in perpetual fear that my waffle maker will one day break and I can no longer have waffles in the shape of Hello Kitty.  (Oh the anticipated tragedy!)

But at least for now, I can offer my guests a choice of Hello Kitty waffles or pancakes or both.    

Side Note:  Mrs. Jacksonville right now is reading this and yelling out "When are you having my daughters over for Hello Kitty brunch, you Hello Kitty-lovin' loon?!"  Soon, soon - as soon as I stop traveling all the time!

So on this lovely Sunday, I hope you all are out there indulging any harmless obsessions you may have.  Meanwhile I'll be whipping up some Hello Kitty pancakes and staging my own mini Hello Kitty convention in my living room.

Thanks for reading!

A Miracle At Starbucks

Happy Friday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

I am so ridiculously happy that the weekend is almost here, I could do a Happy Snoopy Dance from Tampa, Florida to Quebec, Canada.  

I work primarily from home and as such, I live the life of Wagyu beef or veal.  Large animal in small pen with minimal movement.  I basically walk from my desk to the bathroom or to the kitchen.  I wear a Fitbit activity tracker, so I know that on a typical workday I barely move.  You would think seeing only a few hundred or maybe 1000 steps would motivate me to be super active as soon as work is over.  But I'm lazy.  

I have a big round chair from Z Gallerie.  It's called "The Cuddler" (see it here).  The chair spins.  It can hold me and all of my 827 cats and we watch a scary amount of television and movies from the aforementioned chair. 

So about fifty days ago, I decided to challenge myself with one of these "Hundred Day" things that people on social media seem to be doing everywhere.  Hundred Days of Happiness.  Hundred Days of Gratitude.  Hundred Instagram Pictures of My Cat (um or is that just me doing that one?)  Well I like being happy.  I like to show gratitude.  And who doesn't love one hundred pictures of my cats?  But I decided to put my own spin on it.  I wanted to walk one million steps.  

One million to me sounds like a lot, but basically it's 10,000 steps each day for 100 days.  Although there's no hard science behind it, the common mythology is that each person should walk 10,000 steps a day.  (Which by the way, after I started this journey I read an article saying 7,000 - 8,000 steps is good enough.  There's also an article saying walking 10,000 steps a day won't make you thin.  The joy and pain of the internet is you can find "an article" backing up anything and everything.)

Anyway, when faced with my current "veal-like" existence I figured my one million steps in one hundred day challenge is better for me than what I am doing now (which is a whole lot of sitting on my butt).  So I embarked on the million steps in one hundred days journey.  

Lucky for me, trips to New York City and Budapest where I walked 8-14 miles a day helped keep my step count high.  But now that I am back from my travels, I have wanted to lay on the couch and stare at the TV.  Back to a Wagyu-like existence.    

Fortunately for me, my friend Ms. Wisconsin also has a Fitbit and we are linked as "Friends" on our Fitbit dashboard so she could see when my step count started taking a nose dive.  Wednesday and Thursday, she helped get me off the couch and raising my step count again.  And for that I am very grateful.  

On Thursday, I did two walks.  The first one while listening to Cary Elwes' "As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales From The Making Of The Princess Bride" on audiobook.  Call me schmaltzy, but I just love the movie "The Princess Bride."  I was very interested in reading the book but then when I found out many of the actors involved with the movie narrated the audiobook, I chose to buy that instead.  I believe it is seven hours long - which equates to seven hours of walking for me. Win-win!  I am determined to get my million steps in one hundred days in!

My Thursday was off to a good start.  I hit 10,000 steps before 1 p.m.  Which for me is pretty darn amazing.  I had a lot of conference calls and as usual, I didn't have a break in my schedule for lunch.  I have a global job and so the team members from various time zones book up every single minute in my calendar.  Lunch generally consists of inhaling something fast while on mute and hoping no one on the conference call asks me a question mid-chew.

I started craving Chinese take-out food.  I looked at my calendar - nope, booked solid until 4:30 p.m.  My 1 p.m. call was with two of my team members.  I sighed and wished that the meeting would cancel so I could walk down the street and get some take out Chinese.  One second after I wished this, I received an instant message.  My team members needed to reschedule our call.

I did a little "yay, now I can get Chinese food" dance in triumph!  

Wish granted!  

But then after I called in my order for "House Special Fried Rice" and sautéed vegetables, I thought "Uh oh, what if this was my ONE WISH in the world?"  I could have wished for world peace or a billion dollars ... but no, instead I wished for a break in my schedule to get Chinese take-out!  OH NO!  My life suddenly seemed like The Simpsons' episode where Homer buys the cursed Monkey's Paw! 

I will say that the House Special Fried Rice was pretty darn tasty.  It's not world peace or all the riches in the world, but in the pantheon of low cost Chinese take-out food it was pretty high up there.  Thank you, Plum Tree!  

However I did expect my fortune cookie fortune to say something like "You wasted your one wish, SUCKER!"  Never have I held my breath before opening a fortune cookie before today!

Now a side note before I continue with this story "A Miracle At Starbucks."  Back in early Spring, I was in Las Vegas.  I have  a rule of thumb where I believe that new slot machines based on recent movies/TV shows never pay out.  Even with this theory, I still stuck a $5 bill into "The Walking Dead" slot machine at The Bellagio.  

And I won.  

Over $350 dollars.  

So much for my rule of thumb!

When I giddily took my cash voucher to the redemption machine, out came three crisp hundred dollar bills.  And on one of them was stamped a tiny Hello Kitty.

I'm not sure who "LMC" is and why he/she is rolling around stamping hundred dollar bills with Hello Kitty, but I have already determined that this person is "super awesome amazing cool."

If you are a regular reader of LilyOnTheLam, you may know that I am 952 years old and I am obsessed with Sanrio's Hello Kitty.  I proudly own this dysfunction.  I am single, geriatric and have 847 cats.  I am a walking cliche.

So needless to say a hundred dollar bill with a stamp of Hello Kitty on it was like my version of seeing Jesus' face in my grilled cheese sandwich.  

I vowed that I would not spend the "Kitty Benjamin" hundred dollar bill.  I took it with me to New York, Budapest and Raleigh-Durham ... and each time, I chose not to use it.

When I returned from Raleigh, I was scared I would accidentally give the one hundred dollar bill to someone thinking it was a $10 or even worse a $1.  I am not a high roller and if I have a bill as big as a $20 in my wallet, it's a good day.  I am also absent-minded, so handing out a $100 instead of a $1 is sadly highly plausible in my universe.  Because of my real fear, I pulled the $100 out of my wallet and left it in my car before shopping one day - and kept forgetting to take it out of the car.

OK now back to my main story ... 

My last conference call of the day was with two Executives and it was warm-fuzzy-wonderfulness.  Lots of kudos for me and great motivational discussion.  I was very happy. 

After the work day was done, I set out for Walk #2 of the day with Ms. Wisconsin.  I was determined to make up for several days of laziness and get my step count nice and high for the day.  We had a good walk with good conversation and by the time we said goodbye, I had over 11 miles on my Fitbit for the day.  Not too shabby!

I decided to reward myself with a Trenta (i.e. huge huge huge 31 ounce cup) unsweetened Passion iced tea from Starbucks.  I pulled into the drive thru and placed my order, then I drove forward.  The drive thru has cement curbs on either side - kind of like bowling bumpers, but taller ... and I guess in this scenario, I am the bowling ball.  

Well as I navigated between the bumpers, I came to a stomach-dropping realization.  I didn't bring my wallet with me!  I just had my cell phone, keys and ear buds in my wristlet for my walk with Ms. Wisconsin.  I hadn't brought any money!  OH NO!

My mind raced - I had pretty much cleared out all my quarters I had in the car weeks before.  There were cement bumpers so I couldn't drive off with a "Ha ha, sorry Starbucks!"  What the heck was I going to do to pay for my monster-sized iced tea?

Then I remembered the Hello Kitty Hundred.  I winced.  NOOOO!  I have held on to this hundred dollar bill for seven months!  I couldn't blow it on a $3 iced tea!  Argh!  I turned on the light in my car and started ransacking for change.  I had a handful of coins from my center console.  I started picking through them.  "God, WHY SO MANY PENNIES?"  I was fishing out dimes and carefully counting them ... argh, I had like $2.30 max.  Why did I order the Trenta like some high roller?  Was I too good for the Venti or the Grande?  Damn me and my champagne tastes!

I looked at the SUV in front of me.  The guy was paying with the Starbucks mobile app.  WHY, WHY DON'T I HAVE THE STARBUCKS MOBILE APP?  I can tell you why - because if I had a loaded Starbucks card on my phone, I would be stopping at Starbucks every day.  And seriously, I don't want to be the crazy old cat lady who says "I can't go on my sailing vacation because I paid $6 for coffee every day for the past year."  That stuff adds up quick!  

But frankly in a moment like this where I'm about to lose my beloved Hello Kitty stamped one hundred dollar bill, I really wish I had the Starbucks app with a loaded payment card.  I grabbed a few more pennies and drove up to the drive thru payment window with a wincing sheepish look on my face.  "Ummm, how much is it for my iced tea?"  I asked like a big loser.

The incredibly cheerful Starbucks lady said "The guy in the car ahead of you paid for your drink order!"

My jaw dropped open and hit the pavement.

"WHAT?  You're kidding me - is this a joke?"  I asked, my hands still cupping all the coins.

"Nope, he paid for your drink."

I broke into the biggest smile ever.  The Hello Kitty hundred was safe!  I took a big sip of my free iced tea and drove home.  

Free iced tea from a stranger tastes really good.

I have heard of people paying for other people before, but I don't think I have ever been a recipient of this type of stranger kindness.  And frankly, I really don't deserve it.  Yes, I was scrounging for coins to buy my iced tea and I was in grubby workout clothes.  But I was also driving in a BMW.  I wasn't projecting "Homeless, please help me!"  However the timing was crazy fortuitous - so to the kind man in the SUV who drove off before I knew he paid for my drink, I have to extend a BIG THANK YOU!  You really made my day.

And now of course, I need to pay it forward.  Maybe I'll go downtown and feed quarters into parking meters for people who have run out of time.  I volunteered twice last weekend and I will be volunteering twice this weekend, so maybe I'll run into someone who really needs $3.  

Of course with guilt and Monkey's Paw thinking, I also thought "Argh, another wish wasted!  Chinese take-out and a free iced tea - I should have wished for billions ... oh and an end to all wars too!"     

But I do believe that sometimes the best things are the little unexpected things ... a break in the day when you could really use it.  The kindness of a stranger to save a Hello Kitty hundred dollar bill.  

Ms. Wisconsin had texted me to make sure I got home OK - I called her and said "You'll never believe what happened after our walk."

My fortune cookie fortune did not call me a sucker who wasted my magical Monkey Paw (Hello Kitty Cat Paw?) wishes.  Instead it said "The secret of happiness is not in doing what one likes, but in liking what one does."  Which is similar to one of my favorite adages: "Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have."  

On Thursday, I had time to actually have a lunch break with some pretty tasty Chinese take-out.  I had a good day at work, a friend who helped me out of my veal-like existence and a free iced tea from a stranger.  

It may not be glamorous or cool, but all in all I think it was a pretty awesome Thursday.  But best of all, it reminded me that there are good people all around me - even people I don't know who want to make sure I have a great day.  That's a really great world to live in.    

Now it's time to pay that forward.

Have an amazing, awesome, terrific weekend, LilyOnTheLam Readers!  I hope the universe you inhabit is filled with free iced tea from strangers and people who pull you off the couch to inspire you to do better.  

And as always ... thank you for reading!

Excuse Me, Is That A Sandwich In Your Drink or Are You Just Happy To See Me? Hash House A Go Go, Orlando Florida

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

I hope this day is finding you the best and brightest that you can possibly be!

If you are a regular reader of LilyOnTheLam, you will know that I have recently spent some time in Orlando Florida with a one Mr. Cardamom Monroe, internationally renown Hello Kitty fan, looking for homes for sale.  Mr. CM is being relocated to Florida and needs surroundings suitably lush to be called "Lily East."  As I have always been good at spending other people's money, I was more than happy to accompany Mr. CM on his house hunting expedition.

Mr. CM's Realtor had told us that the Las Vegas restaurant Hash House A Go Go had opened a location in Orlando.  The restaurant bills itself as having "Twisted Farm Food."  Now if you want to fully understand who LilyOnTheLam is as a person, you need to know the following things:

1)  LilyOnTheLam likes breakfast - and all things in hash form.

2)  LilyOnTheLam likes houses.

3)  LilyOnTheLam likes anything and everything "a go go."

4)  LilyOnTheLam is pretty twisted.

So I insisted that Mr. CM take me to Hash House A Go Go for Sunday brunch.  

The food itself was scary.  I thought the Cheesecake Factory had large portions.  This place makes Cheesecake Factory look like a starvation camp diet plate.  Mr. CM and I were served these gargantuan platters of food, covered in sauces and gravies.

I had the entree best known for its appearance on the TV show "Man Vs. Food":  The Fried Chicken Eggs Benedict.

  
It is sage fried chicken with fresh spinach, bacon, tomato, griddled mozzarella, chipotle cream and scrambled eggs on grilled mashed potatoes - all on a fresh split biscuit.  With a gigantic steak knife (a.k.a. dagger) stuck in the middle of it.  Since I'm not currently planning on engaging in a killing spree, I was a bit amiss as to what to do with this weaponry.

The fried chicken eggs benedict might as well have been a bowl of mashed potatoes drowning in very hot chipotle cream gravy because that is all I tasted.  The spicy factor seared my tastebuds and the rest just tasted like one note incredibly fatty, heavy blandness.  

If you like massive portions of overly spiced, doughy tasting food covered in gravy, you'll love this fried chicken benedict (which is not a traditional eggs benedict whatsoever).  But I was unhappy.  I ate about 1/6th of this monstrosity and felt sick to my stomach.  (And trust me, my stomach is used to eating some heavy duty fatty foods.)

This was a "Hash House A No No."

Mr. Cardamom Monroe went with some egg thing - if I remember correctly this is the Farm Scramble.  But I could be wrong, I was too busy wishing I had ordered a waffle instead.

Mr. CM was not impressed with his meal either.  We looked sadly at the table of waffles and pancakes next to us.  WHY, WHY, WHY didn't I just order a pancake as big as my head?  I had to go "all fancy" and get the "as seen on TV" entree.  

  
I would definitely go back to Hash House A Go Go to try one of their monster pancakes but I will steer clear of the eggs on potatoes on biscuit dishes - no flavor!

But there is one bright spot of my brunch at Hash House A Go Go.  I wanted to start my meal with a Bloody Mary.  The server asked "a regular Bloody Mary or a BLT Bloody Mary?" What?  I was intrigued!  What is a BLT Bloody Mary?  The server said "It's like a Bloody Mary with a BLT on the side."  Mr. Cardamom Monroe and I looked at each other, still not comprehending what this cocktail was supposed to be.  But we decided in this land of twisted farm food, it's either "Go big or go home!" so I ordered the BLT Bloody Mary.

Out comes a spicy bloody mary with a large romaine leaf submerged in the drink, a piece of beefsteak tomato and a cold piece of bacon.  At the base of the drink is a square of sandwich bread-looking melba toast and a packet of mayonnaise.  An interactive cocktail!

I slathered the melba toast with mayo and then began the assembly.  I pulled out the wet piece of romaine lettuce and placed it on the mayo-ed toast, then the tomato and then the bacon.  I really liked the flavor of the lettuce since it had a generous soaking of my spicy Bloody Mary on it.  The tomato was tasty.  

The bacon however was too cold from sitting in the icy drink.  It had a heavy congealed fat taste to it.  Perhaps they could have given me a skewer and a candle so I could have warmed up the bacon table side?  The melba toast was nice but I would have preferred a slice of lightly toasted white bread as a BLT to me both has the crunch but also the softness of the bread.  Melba toast just has the crunch.

As far as restaurant gimmicks go, this was a cute one.  But probably not one I'd try often.  Because my entree was already food for 12, to have a drink with a side sandwich was just waaaaaay overboard.  I could hear my arteries hardening and my thighs expanding as our coffee cups were refilled.

I'd like to go back to Hash House A Go Go to have a pancake as big as my head.  They have them in traditional flavors (Banana, Brown Sugar, Apple Cinnamon) and non-traditional ones like Snickers, Strawberry Frosted Flake, Mango Coconut and Blackberry Granola.  They also have bacon waffles and sausage waffles.  I definitely need to go back to try a bacon waffle.  But I'll definitely pass on their non-traditional eggs Benedict platters.  I am not a fan of those!