Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers: I just returned from a theater weekend in New York City which also coincided with Gay Pride weekend. So you might say it was a gay theater weekend! I was very happy to hear of the SCOTUS decision on marriage equality - emphasis on the word "equality." I don't know how one can justify a legal system where not all citizens are given equal rights and protections under the law. So score one for equality for the LGBTQ community. I joked that for the start of my theater weekend that I spent "Gay Pride Weekend with a Front Row Seat with a Queen!" I indeed was in the front row for the spectacular Dame Helen Mirren as Queen Elizabeth in "The Audience."
Since I am woefully ignorant of British Prime Minister History other than Churchill and Thatcher, I was very excited that in my Playbill was a card with the background information on all the Prime Ministers under Queen Elizabeth. In case there is a test later, I will be prepared! (Prepared to get a D+.)
I highly recommend the play "The Audience." There was actually one moment where I had a tear in my eye - but I am also overly emotional at times too. The next night I was supposed to see Vanessa Hudgens star in the musical "Gigi." I'm not a Vanessa Hudgens fan and I have never seen any of the "High School Musical" franchise, but I haven't seen the musical "Gigi" in decades and that is why I bought my ticket. Sadly the reviews were not good and the show closed early. I received a refund and I believe it was God telling me a better show was in my future. And God was correct because in my eyes, a much better opportunity did come along! For the record, one of my many ridiculous obsessions is the reality competition show "RuPaul's Drag Race." Ever since a childhood friend introduced me to the glamazon once known as "Starbooty" many decades ago, I have been in love with all things RuPaul Charles. However my real obsession didn't kick in until I forcibly invited myself to accompany a fellow #RPDR fan to a live show at Ritz Ybor for RuPaul's Battle of the Seasons. In this show, I was able to see several "RuPaul Drag Race" contestants up close and personal. To add more fuel to the fire of my obsession: I have been trying to exercise more since I have an overwhelming love of all things sugar, fat and starch. (And as I type this, my youngest cat - Rufus T. "Chibby" Chibs is giving me a shady side eye with a "Um yeah, that's an understatement, Tubby!" sneer. WHY ARE CATS SO MEAN?And yes, I am eating instant mac and cheese processed food stuffs as I type this - but what does that have to do with anything?) OK back to the topic ... due to my love of all things terrible for me, I started working out more. As part of my increased exercise program, I have been trying to walk 5 - 13 miles a day. Newsflash: Walking this much is incredibly boring for me. I do see some lovely water views and floral arrangements, but I could do without the overly friendly senior citizens who want to stop and chat me up with their life story. I will say that since I started wearing my "RuPaul Drag Race Season 6 Winner" Bianca Del Rio's "NOT TODAY SATAN" t-shirt, a lot less seniors want to chat me up. But I have a feeling they are making the sign of the cross as they walk past me. To entertain myself I have been listening to RuPaul's Podcast while I walk, which has made me even more OBSESSIVE about all things RuPaul and all things RuPaul Drag Race. Yes, I know I have ISSUES.
Of all the drag queens on RuPaul Drag Race, one of my absolute favorites is Jinkx Monsoon - season five winner. Well when Gigi the Musical fell through, I discovered that my beloved Jinkx was putting on a sequel to his/her previous show "The Vaudevillians." This one was called "The Vaudevillians: Bringing Up Baby" with Jinkx Monson as a pregnant Kitty Witless and Major Scales as her husband.
What's more comical than a funny musical drag queen? A funny, musical, PREGNANT drag queen. I ordered a VIP ticket faster than you can say "more mac and cheese please!"
The show - at the Laurie Beeckman Theatre- was beyond fantastic. Any show where you get to see a drag queen give birth on top of a piano while you're eating peppered shrimp with a side of risotto balls is a GOOD SHOW in my book! Now I will admit that I may have possibly mentioned on social media that I love Jinkx Monsoon so much I want to skin her and wear her as a coat ... but when my "in person meet and greet" occurred, I was a BABBLING IDIOT! I gave up drinking for a year (actually 13 months, but who is keeping track?) so I cannot even blame a cocktail for acting so bizarre. I gave Jinkx my STALKER EYES and both Jinkx and his real life self Jerick Hofer, gave me a look of fear in return. But God bless that talented drag queen, he wrapped an arm around me (have you ever been pressed up against the bosom of a pregnant drag queen?) and posed for several pictures. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE YOU Jinkx Monsoon! (Season Four- RuPaul Drag Race Contestant Latrice Royale, you're next on my bucket list!)
Latrice Royale
Last, but NOT least, for my big gay theatre weekend in NYC was my SIXTH (yes, SIXTH) time seeing my favorite musical of ALL TIME -- "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." This time starring Glee's Darren Criss. Ms. Toledo and I had first seen Darren Criss in "How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying." He was good in that show but he really brought it home in Hedwig.
Because I was also in the front row for Hedwig, I had some very up close and personal moments with Darren Criss as he dropped to the stage and did the worm - as he faced me - a mere 2 inches from my face. I also received a high five from him. Another patron was "motorboated" by Darren Criss in his role as Hedwig. Her name was Brie and Darren Criss referred to her as a stinky cheese and left her with a chestful of glittery eye makeup. My absolute favorite Hedwig is still the creator and originator - John Cameron Mitchell.
I have seen 4 of the 5 Hedwigs - sorry Dexter's Michael C. Hall - I missed ya!
On July 22 2015, Taye Diggs takes over the role from Darren Criss. Another one of my favorite RuPaul Drag Race contestants Alaska Thunderf*ck 5000 will also be doing a show in the city around the same time. I'd like to see both shows but I am a bit burnt out on NYC weekends. This has been the summer of travel for work and for fun and frankly it's nice to stay home once in awhile! But the one thing that NEVER lets me down whenever I travel to New York City is the BIZARRE overheard conversations. I was staying at The Cassa Hotel and Residences - which was fabulous. I highly recommend! The staff was so friendly. The room clean and modern. The location could NOT be beat. Win-win-win! And it's near The Sofitel Hotel, so my deep desire to always eat French-style meals was satisfied by the Restaurant Gaby there. Plus Alex Guarnaschelli (or however you spell it)'s restaurant BUTTER is in The Cassa (midtown location). Any restaurant named Butter is good by me! (My inner Paula Deen is SO HAPPY!)
Side Note: Butter Midtown just opened a really gorgeous outdoor "secret garden." Check it out and have their lobster roll while you're out there soaking up the sun! Anyway, I was walking from The Cassa to Gaby Restaurant to start my day with an infusion of decaf cappuccino, French bread, ham and brie.
My perfect breakfast!
As I was walking, I heard two gentlemen talking as they walked past me. Guy One (who I assume was commiserating about a recent woman he dated) said: "I mean, she has nice tits and all ... it's just the third one that is the problem." Guy Two diplomatically frowned with an appearance of empathy and just shook his head in response. New York City, you never fail to disappoint me with those eye-popping overheard conversations! Thank you for another great theater weekend - and a happy belated Pride weekend to all my readers!
Happy Friday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers! It has felt like this entire week was one long "Friday the 13th" - someone close to me was going through an extremely painful crisis and I was trying my best to help her. Now on the actual "Friday the 13th," it looks as if (knock on wood) that all may be resolved in a good fashion - but I am so scared that things will fall through that I don't want to exhale just yet. Still holding my breath and praying! Fingers still crossed! Very soon I will be seeing "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" on Broadway for the 2nd time and this time from the front row! Neil Patrick Harris - in his role as the testy Hedwig - took a giant gulp of water and spit it on two women who got up in the middle of the show and made half a row (including me) stand up so they could get up and go to the bathroom. It's only a 95 minute show people! Go to the bathroom before the show starts! I heard today that when Neil Patrick Harris finishes his run as Hedwig, the wonderfully witty actor Andrew Rannells will be taking over as Hedwig. Many people know Andrew Rannells when he originated a role in The Book of Mormon. I was not able to get tickets to The Book of Mormon on Broadway until I think year two of the show, so Andrew Rannells was no longer in the show by the time I saw it. I am pretty sure this is a master plan from Broadway to bankrupt me, because of course now I also want to see Andrew Rannells when he performs as Hedwig. He is very different from Neil Patrick Harris and I can't wait to see what he does! I have never seen a show on Broadway twice. I have seen some shows a 2nd time (Wicked, Les Mis) when they are in a touring company show locally but I have never seen a Broadway show twice. "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" is going to be my record for show I have seen the most times on Broadway! I may be eating ramen noodles for all meals from now until 2025, but I am going to make sure I see Hedwig with Andrew Rannells in the lead role! I hope everyone has a great weekend! I feel like Queen Social Butterfly as I will be going from party after party after party this weekend. Usually I have been the one hosting parties, so it's great to go to several events where my only duties are to eat, drink and have a great time! P.S. If you have time this weekend, go see "22 Jump Street" - I had lower hopes for this sequel but it really delivered in laughs. Mindless fun. A great distraction from a long, difficult week! Make sure you stay for the credits!
Happy Monday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers! So last night, Ms. Wisconsin and I ate homemade lasagna and then went on a five mile walk. I would have preferred to have eaten lasagna and then sat on the couch - HA HA HA! (Sad, but true!) I wore my "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" Broadway t-shirt as we walked in the muggy Florida air and I sweat so profusely that I looked like a drowned rat - in a Broadway t-shirt. Hedwig and the Angry Inch is my favorite movie musical, so when it went on Broadway I had to see it - from the third row! And I loved every minute of it. I still love John Cameron Mitchell's rendition more, but Neil Patrick Harris was still pretty darn amazing. In fact, I loved it so much that I have front row tickets later this month. I have to see it one more time before it leaves Broadway at the end of this summer. When I arrived home late last night, I saw that "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" won four Tony Awards!!! I'm pretty sure my sweating up a storm along Bayshore Boulevard in Tampa, Florida in a "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" at the Belasco Theatre T-shirt is why the show won. I mean, what else could it be? I am also pretty sure Neil Patrick Harris will be sending me a mini muffin basket as a "thank you."
Neil Patrick Harris via Skype at the Paley Center's How I Met Your Mother PaleyFest Event - March 2014
I might as well sit on my front steps and wait for those delicious muffins! Until then I have only two things to say to the cast and crew of "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" on Broadway:
Before I launch into today's post, let me just say: Neil Patrick Harris in Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway was BEYOND FANTASTIC! My heart still belongs to John Cameron Mitchell in the movie version, but Neil Patrick Harris really delivered. Go see this show NOW!
Now back to our regularly scheduled blog post ... I originally started this blog in mid-December 2010. There are millions of blogs on the internet, so I wasn't trying to conquer the world or make millions of dollars. I wanted to write about my travels and adventures … and if people read the posts, well hey even better. I didn't choose to write about just one thing - food, travel, life, philosophy … because frankly I am self-diagnosed ADHD and I bore easily. I wanted to write about whatever I wanted to write about, whenever I felt like writing. Turns out for many time periods I did not feel like writing at all! When blogging feels like work, then something is wrong in my book. I would try to get myself to write more regularly. I remember many times thinking "I'd like to take one month and have a blog post published every single day for that month." I don't even know how many times I set that goal. But I would usually chuck the goal by day 3 or 4. Well on this May 1, 2014, I am happy to announce that I finally did what I had set out to do numerous times … for the month of April, I had a post published every single day. Were they the most fascinating and interesting posts ever? YES. OK maybe not, but that wasn't my goal - ha ha! I can't believe it has taken me so long to make good on my goal. I guess it's because I never made it a priority. Regardless, it feels good to have met my goal finally. A couple years ago, my sister and I went to India. We traveled to the Red Fort at Agra on our way to the Taj Mahal. There were monkeys everywhere. When I returned, I made the header photo of this blog a picture of the monkeys at the fort. While I seem to change my avi photo on Twitter every couple of weeks, I have not felt compelled to change the header picture for LilyOnTheLam.Com. One friend snidely said I needed to get rid of "that awful monkey butt picture" on my blog. My response: "Thanks but this blog is for me. If you don't like the picture, don't look at my blog." I'm proud of my writing. It's not Shakespeare, but it's a reflection of me.
So on this May Day 2014, I celebrate reaching (and exceeding) my 30 blog posts in 30 days goal. (Actually I posted a lot more than 30 blog posts in 30 days because of a 2nd post on Easter as well as my "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" on Broadway mini-posts countdown! So actually 41 posts in 30 days- holy cow!) I also celebrate making my goals a bigger priority in my life. Last but not least, I celebrate staying true to myself regardless of people's unsolicited opinions. On this May Day, I hope you devote yourself to goals that need greater attention. Because it feels wonderful when you successfully accomplish a goal! Thanks for reading!
If you are an avid reader of LilyOnTheLam, you will know that about 9 or 10 days ago, I started counting down the days until I see my favorite movie musical "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" on Broadway starring Neil Patrick Harris.
Since I am incredibly lazy, I have wondered several times throughout this "journey" why I didn't start the countdown on say Day 2 1/2. But I have had fun researching clips to include on each day, so hopefully you have enjoyed it as well. And if you didn't, go turn on your TV to be entertained then. Geez!
There are so many great "tongue in cheek" lines from Hedwig. The following scene is not only one of my favorites, but one of my absolute favorite songs from the musical. I hope you enjoy!
"We're talking to Phil Collins' people ... but then again, aren't we all?"
There are TWO DAYS LEFT until I see Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway! I know this may not seem like a monumental event in your own personal life, but you are wrong. If you have not been marking the countdown in your calendar, you are probably also the type who hate kittens for being so adorable.
OK I am kidding, joking, seriously ... relax! Now get a sharpie marker and start marking that calendar! Oh, you keep your calendar on your smartphone? Oops ... well consider that sharpie marking to be graffiti art. You're the next Banksy!
Because the owl in Harry Potter was also named Hedwig, when I look for Hedwig and the Angry Inch clips to include on my Hedwig countdown I find a lot of owl stuff. I actually considered posting one here to see if anyone would notice/comment. However life is difficult enough that you don't need to see some nocturnal spooky eyed bird when you're looking for a transgendered international song stylist. Am I right or am I right?
So on this "two days left" post, I give you not an owl but a YouTube clip from the movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch, the uploader said this is his/her favorite scene from the movie - and it's one of mine too. I have quoted the "Trail of Rainbow Carnage" speech way too many times that I should be ashamed. But I am NOT! And the "Little Bishop in a Turtleneck" line makes me laugh every single time. So check it out by clicking here!
About a week ago I started my countdown until I am attending "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" on Broadway. Each day of my countdown, I include a mini post after my regularly scheduled "day" post. If you haven't read my previous Hedwig countdown posts, drop everything you are doing (unless it is open heart surgery - and if so, why are you reading a blog during it? Sheesh!) and go back and read my previous posts. I'll wait for you here while I hum Jeopardy-theme music until you return.
Hi! Welcome back! Why is there blood on your ER scrubs? Umm... OK maybe I'll just pretend I didn't see that.
I love Hedwig so very much, but when I was in Orlando at The Social for a Jay Brennan concert I found out that my love for Hedwig is only at an amateur level. I met a man who had the same tattoo as Hedwig does in the movie. Except it's on his arm, not his butt like the movie has it. I thought "Wow, that is DEDICATION!" One reason I really enjoy Hedwig is because there is a heavy undercurrent of Plato's Symposium running throughout the storyline. Yes, Plato! Not Play-dough. One of my many degrees is an English major. Another is 450 - on my toaster oven.
For "three days left" in the Hedwig, I include this fabulous YouTube makeup tutorial on how to make yourself look like Hedwig. (I love YouTube! There's a video for EVERYTHING!) So even if you cannot see Hedwig on Broadway, you can make yourself look like Hedwig!
In addition to my regular blog posts, I have been adding a 2nd "mini" post each evening (US Eastern Time) counting down the days until I see "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" on Broadway. I am very excited, but also somewhat apprehensive because I love the movie so much. I really hope the musical on stage won't be a let down. If you read that a woman threw her shoe at Neil Patrick Harris and screamed "You're no John Cameron Mitchell, Doogie!" Well let's hope I get away from the police running with only one shoe.
I kid! (I hope!) I do think they made a good casting choice, so at least I am not going in with an "Anne Rice pissy they picked Tom Cruise for Vampire Lestat" face. I also have already scanned the merchandise from the show. (Every thing is a shopping opportunity in Lily World!)
I assume each of you spends an hour or seven a night praying for the good of mankind. So after you light candles in prayers for starving people, ending wars, success for your favorite sports team; if you could light a candle for "I hope Lily enjoys Hedwig on Broadway" I would appreciate it. ;-)
For our "four days left" post, I include ... a clip of Neil Patrick Harris on David Letterman yelling at an audience member as "Hedwig." Hopefully I won't be the next audience member he has to yell at! Click here to watch!
If you are a regular reader of LilyOnTheLam.Com, you will know that I am counting down the days until I see my absolute favorite musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway starring Neil Patrick Harris. I am going to need some industrial duct tape to keep myself from singing along with EVERY SONG. My friend Ms. Ohio and I went to the Jennifer Nettles concert recently. There was a woman who sat directly behind us - a disaster in polyester - who sang most of the songs at the top of her lungs. Poor dear was tone deaf - and we were just deaf by the end of the concert. I like to sing, but I have the lyrical songstress voice of someone slowly killing a mongoose. So I keep my "concerts" to my car when I am alone. This is proper etiquette, people! We paid to see the singer on stage, not to hear a train wreck's high-pitched natural catastrophe! She was lucky I didn't stab her in the throat. (Oops did I admit that IN TEXT?) To get in the mood for Hedwig (which hopefully won't have tone deaf audience members singing every song - unless that tone deaf person is me!), I am posting "mini LilyOnTheLam" posts each day until I see the show! Today is "Five Days left." Today's countdown clip is from the movie "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." It is the song "Sugar Daddy." This song makes me want to put on a fringe skirt and play "car wash" on poor elderly folk everywhere. Watch the clip to find out why!
If you are a regular reader of LilyOnTheLam.Com, you will know that I am counting down the days until I see my absolute favorite musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway starring Neil Patrick Harris. To get in the mood, I am posting "mini LilyOnTheLam" posts each day until I see the show! Today is "Six Days left." Today's countdown clip is Amanda Palmer and Hedwig creator/movie star John Cameron Mitchell doing "Midnight Radio" from Hedwig and the Angry Inch at the "Purple Reign New Year's Eve." Click here for the clip!
If you are a regular reader of LilyOnTheLam.Com, you will know that I am counting down the days until I see my absolute favorite musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway starring Neil Patrick Harris. To get in the mood, I am posting "mini LilyOnTheLam" posts each day until I see the show! Today is "Seven Days left." Today's countdown clip is a Korean cover band doing "Tear Me Down" from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. There is a line in the movie that says "Don't you know me, Kansas City? I'm the new Berlin Wall. Try to tear me down!" When I am dealing with particularly crazy people, I hear this line in my head. Or maybe it's just my split personalities emerging through ... who knows?
I dedicate this in honor of my friend Ms. B who with a Korean friend are learning Vietnamese. Click here for the clip!
Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers: I am counting down the days until I see my absolute favorite musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway starring Neil Patrick Harris. To get in the mood, I am posting "mini LilyOnTheLam" posts each day until I see the show! Today's countdown clip is Richard Barth from the traveling production of "Les Miserables" singing the classic Hedwig and the Angry Inch song "Wig In A Box." ENJOY!
Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers: I am counting down the days until I see my favorite musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway starring Neil Patrick Harris. To get in the mood, I am posting "mini LilyOnTheLam" posts each day until I see the show! Today's countdown clip is RuPaul Drag Race Winner Jinkx Monsoon singing "The Origin of Love" from "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." ENJOY!
Dear LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers: If you are a regular reader, you will know that I have many eccentricities (a.k.a. "This biatch be cray-cray!). One of my loves (a.k.a. obsessions) is the John Cameron Mitchell movie musical "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." When I heard Neil Patrick Harris was going to play Hedwig on Broadway, I bought my ticket faster than you can say "Internationally Ignored Song Stylist."
I am extremely excited for this musical on Broadway, but also a bit scared since I am so RAVENOUSLY IN LOVE with the movie and John Cameron Mitchell's portrayal of Hedwig. I fear that I will be let down by the Broadway show. But I am willing to fly to New York and take that chance! (Seriously I'm nuts - I own a DVD of the movie, but also have it digitally from iTunes so that I can access the movie any time, any where. Hello INSANE!) My friend and I are also seeing the sublime Alan Cumming in a revival of Cabaret (another movie I am obsessed with) while in NYC. While I will be posting regular blog posts from now until I see "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" on Broadway, I will also be posting daily "mini LilyOnTheLam" Hedwig countdown clips until the day I see the show. Because I am that insane and that excited! Care to join my insanity? To start my "HEDWIG COUNTDOWN!" I am combining my love of Hedwig and the Angry Inch with my love of Alan Cumming by attaching this link to a YouTube video where Alan Cumming does a medley of Hedwig songs. ENJOY!
Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers: How are you? I've missed writing to you. Where have you been? Where have I been? Watching a lot of HBO's Season Three of Game of Thrones and the even better sassy Jonathan Van Ness starring in FunnyOrDie.com's Gay of Thrones. If you love sassy gay hairdressers, Game of Thrones and laughing your arse off - you need to watch "Gay of Thrones" but only AFTER you have seen Season Three of Game of Thrones - because there are some spoiler alerts! (I seriously have watched the 9 episodes of "Gay of Thrones" ten times ... I have a problem because I loves me some straight up Winterfell Realness!) And find out which actor used a "stunt tushie" in Game of Thrones on episode 3 of "Gay of Thrones." (Here's a spoiler hint - he's singer Lily Allen's brother. I am all about anyone and everyone with the name Lily!) And I am IN LOVE with Jonathan Van Ness' head wrap in the Episode Six Recap ... so fabulous! Time to get back to the business of me writing and you reading and unicorns roaming the land. Deal?Deal!
I know you come to LilyOnTheLam.com to find out the real meaning of life and the whole "What's It All About, Alfie?"-ism of it all ... And today is your lucky day because this blog post is all about the true meaning of Friendship. Not the true meaning of Christmas because people it's June, OK? (Side Note: Read more about my thoughts on "What's It All About, Alfie? in my blog post titled "Why It's Not A Good Idea to Get Drunk and Then Go To The Asian Dollar Store." You know you want to read it!) In life, friends are important - they support and encourage and yet call you on your sh*t if your head is getting out of whack. And maybe they'll even share their popcorn with you at the movies. But on Monday I was reminded why it's worth having friends in this world. (Side Note: However sometimes friends are not always the most responsive as when I went into all crazy hysterics about being stalked by a local prosecutor who wanted to date me and Nicky G's first response was "Is he cute?" Biatch please, the guy has a gun! Nicky G, you're on notice!) Anywho ... Monday I got a big reminder of why friends are important and why I try to (most of the time) be a nice, loyal friend. You may remember Miss LM from my previous blog post The Importance of Friends and a Tasty Belgian Wafel. Awhile ago, Miss LM was the victim of a car crushing hit and run about 10 minutes from my home. Being from Minnesota and growing up in Wisconsin, I did what any good Midwesterner should do. While Miss LM waited by the side of the road for Florida Highway Patrol officers who never came, I drove over and brought her some cheese. Yes, cheese. Nothing says "I am glad you're not dead, but I am sorry your vehicle got accordian-smooshed" like a deli plate of multiple varieties of sliced cheese. Didn't your Mother teach you that? But seriously, I did bring her cheese. Because sometimes you just don't know how to say "I am so sorry this happened to you." So you give some cheese and hope the person knows you care. Now contrary to popular belief and rumors written in lipstick in various Tampa Bay area bars, I don't just run around giving cheese to everyone. You have to be a quality person to get some cheese from LilyOnTheLam. And I have found time and time again, that if you pick the right people to give cheese to - you will be rewarded. Hopefully with more cheese and some crackers and a bottle of wine, but sometimes the gift is even greater than that. Monday was a perfect demonstration of that principle in action. Miss LM had found out that an actor we both like will be starring in my favorite musical OF ALL TIME on Broadway Spring 2014 and she sent me a link to the news article. This was like a 20 pound brick of manchego, sitting on a 50 pound brick of Jalapeno Jack, sitting on a 1000 pound brick of aged white cheddar with a vat of Big Woods Blue cheese and Purple Haze cheese next to it. This is why you make and keep friends - so that one day they will be your publicity crew making sure that you are fully aware of all social events that will be the highlight of your life. If you have not clicked the news story link and if you are not a frequent LilyOnTheLam.com reader, I'll give you a heads up. My favorite musical and movie musical of all time is John Cameron Mitchell's Hedwig and the Angry Inch. It reigns high above all other plays, television shows and movies about wannabe rockstars who cut off their penis to escape Communist-run East Germany searching for their other half to make them whole. I can quote all the dialogue, sing all the songs and I may just have a big old blonde wig in a box ready to be pulled out for spontaneous living room concerts of the Hedwig song "Wig In A Box."
In short, I was happier than a cat in a sink about the upcoming Broadway show news!
Chibby singing selected tunes from Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Of course Miss LM is going to rue the day she told me that Hedwig was coming to Broadway, as I fully intend on spending the next 6-9 months peppering her with Hedwig and the Angry Inch trivia, making her learn all the songs and possibly making her get the famous Hedwig tattoo. I met a guy at a Jay Brannan concert in Orlando who had the Hedwig tattoo and I wanted to clutch him to my bosom and embrace him as a long lost brother! But that would have been slightly weird. Just slightly. (See this cool video of a gentleman getting the Hedwig tattoo to the Hedwig song "Origin of Love." God, I love YouTube.com!)
So you see Ladies and Gentlemen - this is why it is important to be good to people and occasionally give them cheese because one day they just might give you news that causes you to leap for joy and rate the attractiveness of oatmeal. Neil Patrick Harris in Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway is going to be spectacular. But what's even more terrific is awesome friends. And cheese. And gorgeous oatmeal. See you Spring 2014 in NYC, Neil Patrick Harris - you bring the Wig in a Box and we will bring the love! "Don't you know me, Kansas City? I'm the new Berlin Wall - TRY AND TEAR ME DOWN!"
Last summer, one of my
LilyOnTheLam.com readers said to another reader: "I think Lily
is having a nervous breakdown."
Ahem ... alcohol-induced cougar attack upon local colleges perhaps, but never a nervous breakdown!
When it comes to camp and
high drama, there is a high strung gay man living inside me. When I hear
"nervous breakdown" - I immediately think of some major movie studio
sending me "to the country" (a.k.a. sanitarium) for some "much
needed rest" (a.k.a. electroshock treatments). I picture myself
in a turban (think Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in "Mommie Dearest" here) and I'm probably screaming "I'm still BIG - it's
THE PICTURES that got SMALL!" Wait, that's "Sunset
Boulevard" ... I'm mixing my old time Hollywood screen stars
here.
Whew! OK all is right with the world again!
Correct quote inserted!
(And if you have never
seen the movie "Mommie Dearest," you need to stop
everything and get it now and watch it! MOVE! I'll wait here
patiently.)
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes -- "resting in the country..." Wait, I can hear you
... you just said "But Lily, you're not a movie star ..."
Shut up!"Now tear down that BITCH of a bearing wall
and put a window where it OUGHT to be!" (Yeah, this blog post is going
to be chock full of movie quotes. Bear with me, people. Turn it
into a "name that movie quote" quiz ... who says LilyOnTheLam.com
blog posts are not fun and interactive?)
So the other day, I blogged about the after-effects of the demise of my
latest relationship with "The Bad Ass Bandit." Specifically, my bitterness at being thrust out into the
cold, dark, redneck freakish world that is the singles dating scene over 30 in Tampa
Bay, Florida. ("Oh the horror, the horror!")
One friend wrote that my blog post "Blunderbussed" was "raw" and must have been painful to write. I also received a couple of
emails from people checking in on how I was doing. Very sweet, very kind.
However, writing for me is a complete catharsis. If I can write
about it (on a public - naked to the world - blog, no less) - it means that for
the most part, the churning emotional lava is subsiding. My blog posts
are never a "cry for help in the dark" but instead a "crap, that
was sucky - so I'm going to tell you all how sucky it was and then I'm going to
move on!" For me, the fear is more when I am not writing. If I
can't write about an event in my journal it means that I am still holding on to
it too tightly - letting it ricochet in my psyche, wounding everything it
touches. Writing a blog post is never a cry for help to me. It is a
celebration that I am healing and moving on.
And - as for Bad Ass Bandit
who still follows my blog (although I bet he's clicking "delete" when
the email comes through!), I just like to give my personal shout out that you,
my sweet darling, suck on so many levels. I hope your travels through irrational world are on a round-trip ticket. Best of luck to you. Thanks for stomping all over my heart.
Wait, let me amend the
above paragraph -- if you are musician Jack White - and if you read my last blog post where I used the name of
your upcoming solo debut to describe my emotional angst ("Blunderbuss"-ed) - and you're wondering
if I am OK ... I'm not OK ... it was a cry for help. I am shattered ... dead inside. This is the type of
cry for help that can only be resolved by you and I spending a couple weeks at Third Man
Records. Hanging out, collaborating on some songs ... let's do
an album ... a kiss and a hug as a "thank you" for collaborating
with such a mega star like me? Oh well, if you insist ... And then
maybe after all that, I will feel better. You bring the talent, I'll
bring the sandwiches and the remains of my cold, dead, shattered heart.
But if you're not Jack White
- I'm OK. Not slicing my wrists or wearing nighted color (That's a Hamlet
reference - I've slipped from movies to the Bard!) There may be a voodoo
doll shaped like the Bad Ass Bandit in my condo that I slap around and shove
pins in whenever I have a SUCKY DATE post-breakup ... but that's allegation and speculation! (And maybe only 74% true. Maybe.)
However, I do appreciate
the support and concern from my readers. (Jack White, email me!) And I
have to say that I recently had my own "WOW- THAT IS DARK AND RAW- ARE
YOU OK???" moment myself when reading the work of another blogger. The other
day, I found my doppelgänger via Twitter. Yes, Twitter. All this
time I thought I was a unique snowflake and then I stumbled upon a writer who
basically could be me from another universe. (By the way, have you seen
the movie "Another Earth"? It is so
good! [Click the link for the movie trailer here.]Brit
Marling is wonderful. Go see that one ASAP too!)
Before I launch into the
story of finding my doppelgänger, I have to preface this story with some
childhood background ... lay down the psychological origin story, as it were ...
I was a very shy child.
Some hard knocks in early childhood had robbed me of my voice and
personality. I was a shadow - a wispy figure. I was like a picture
made by a printer low on ink. I was composed of grays with big white
spaces. Incomplete and longing to disappear. As a result, I spent a
lot of time in my own introverted world, reading anything and everything I
could get my hands on. One day, one of the books I was reading referenced
Plato's Symposium. Specifically Aristophanes'
speech on why love makes us feel whole. He proffered that in
"primal times" people had doubled bodies with faces and limbs turned
away from each other. However Zeus, in anger, decided to cripple the
"doubled people" by chopping them in half - making two bodies.
So now we spend our time and energy looking for our "other
half" to be whole again. As a young child, I was mesmerized by this
story. It seemed to be a perfect explanation for men's and women's ardent, longing search for their "soul mate" or "other half." The feeling of being incomplete, not normal in your own skin.
(Side Note: Take a reading break and watch the adorable John Cameron Mitchell signing "Origin of Love" at Amoeba Records in Hollywood, CA on YouTube here. Or if you prefer the more formal version, watch the "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" version on YouTube here. It's foreshadowing for the remainder of this blog post. Viva la foreshadowing!)
Or just watch this live clip from the Victoria Theatre here ...
Fast forward many years
ahead ... I had recently moved to Tampa, Florida and was working for the
absolute, most awful woman I have ever had as a manager. She was a bitter shell of a woman who had made a devil's deal. She had signed away her future happiness in exchange for security; leaving her to subsist upon the desiccated remains of her life. She was hollow and dead and didn't even know it. The only way she could achieve pleasure was by punishing others. Whenever she saw someone else happy, she pounced upon them like an emotional vampire swapping the life blood of joy with resentment and cowering shame. She and the company I worked for should have been sued for retaliation and discriminatory behavior many times. This woman was a managerial menace. If
she favored you, you were golden. And if she disliked you, you were
anathema. Each day working there was a Greek tragedy. I was in Hades and there was no way out.
One day, I just could not get myself to go to work. I was so tired of toiling in this woman's underworld. I
called in sick instead. I sat on the living room floor thinking "OK what
now?" My new life in Tampa was not going as I had planned (hoped/dreamed/imagined)
and I felt paralyzed. "Now what?" was ringing in my head daily.
As I do many times when
faced with major life decisions, I turned on the TV. Veg out and don't
think! On one of the high number cable channels, the movie for the rock
musical "Hedwig
and the Angry Inch" was just starting. I have heard rave,
rave, rave reviews of this movie, but had never seen it. In fact, I had
the DVD in my collection for a couple years and still had never seen it!
(See the movie trailer for "Hedwig and the Angry
Inch" here.Read the Wiki for the movie here.)
I watched the movie and I
was absolutely mesmerized. It was Plato's Symposium kicked up a notch ...
but even more mind-twisting, it was "What if when we were cut in two -
what if one half took all the good qualities and ran?" I seriously
was having a brain melt down at this thought. The whole concept turned
from two loving soul mates trying to reunite to more of a vengeful "I'll
suck out the best parts of you and steal them for myself!"
(Side Note:
Just having had a relationship crash and burn - this whole notion of
someone taking the best of me [Go ahead and play Foo
Fighters' "Best of You" here.] and running off is
a particularly poignant image.)
While my self-imposed
mental health day/hooky day may not have helped my career, watching
"Hedwig and the Angry Inch" definitely got my mental and emotional
wheels turning. Plus, there are so many great quotes from that
movie.
"Hedwig" lived
in East Germany before the wall came down ...
"Okay. One day, in
the late mid-Eighties, I was in my early late-20's. I had just been dismissed
from University after delivering a brilliant lecture on the aggressive
influence of German philosophy on rock and roll, entitled "You Kant always
get what you want." At twenty-six my academic career was over, I had never
kissed a boy, and I was still sleeping with Mom. The search for my other half
on my side of the wall had proved futile. Might he be found on the other? But how
to get over, you know. People died trying." (Hedwig and the Angry Inch)
John Cameron Mitchell wrote and starred in the
musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch off Broadway and then again in the motion
picture. If you're a frequent LilyOnTheLam.com reader you may remember my
gushing about John Cameron Mitchell in my blog post entitled "PANIC! SHAZAM! I'm going to
Guam!" (Which is a play on the Hedwig movie quote
"F*ck you! I'm going to Guam!") The original post I wrote for "PANIC! SHAZAM! I'm going to Guam!"
is more hard-edged and angst-ridden, but I cut out some major chunks because I
knew the person I was writing about read my blog. Perhaps one day, I'll
post "the director's cut" of that post. It is much, much
better. I hate editing myself for other people.
"I stumble naked
through the ruins, back towards blander, less complicated confections, leaving
in my wake a trail of rainbow carnage."(Hedwig and the Angry Inch)
So where are we in the
story? Lily - in childhood and
then in adulthood- is obsessed (OK maybe not obsessed but "very affected
by") the notions of our search for love is really about our desire to become whole again -
reuniting with our other halves. But also just as obsessed/very affected
by the notion that the other half may not be the most kind or altruistic person - that they may
have stolen all the great parts of our combined identity and taken off. So instead of a search for
love, it is more like a nationwide manhunt to get the best parts of ourselves
back. And I think there is something to this Hedwig view of Plato's
Symposium ... because I know way too many people who think that if they find
the perfect love partner, it will somehow cause everything they hate about
themselves to disappear. It's like we think someone's out there with a
basket containing all the best parts of ourselves and when reunited with this
person, we'll become this awesome, amazing person!
(DoI even have to say how deluded it is to think that someone else can magically make all our perceived flaws disappear?)
"How did some
slip of a girlyboy from Communist East Berlin become the internationally
ignored song stylist barely standing before you?" (Hedwig and the Angry Inch)
But what if this person ("our other half") doesn't want to be found? What if they are holding our talents hostage and
hoarding them for themselves? (Selfish bastards!) The analogies and the metaphors drive me
crazy with literary interpretative delight! (I was an English major in college, people.)
"It is clear
that I must find my other half. But is it a he or a she? What does this person
look like? Identical to me? Or somehow complementary? Does my other half have
what I don't? Did he get the looks? The luck? The love? Were we really
separated forceably or did he just run off with the good stuff? Or did I? Will
this person embarrass me? What about sex? Is that how we put ourselves back
together again? Or can two people actually become one again?" (Hedwig and the Angry Inch)
Another side note-- I just recently discovered that last week, the eternally youthful looking John Cameron Mitchell was appearing for 2 days at Sun Ray Cinemas in Jacksonville, Florida. I seriously could have punched someone!! Had I known in
advance, I would have driven there to see and hear John Cameron Mitchell!
But noooo.... I had to find out about it 3 days AFTER it happened!
So please dear readers, if you ever hear of any more events with John Cameron Mitchell - do this weary gal a favor and let me know!!
I have a very unique face.
Most people have a difficult time ascertaining my ethnicity. For
most of my life, I have received puzzled looks and a "WHAT ARE
YOU?" question. Growing up in Minnesota, I was the olive
child in a sea of white. I seriously wanted to hand out etiquette books.
Who says "what are you?" How about "what is your
ethnicity?" I used to answer "I'm human. What are
you?" I also used to get "WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"
(Yes, the questions were always said with this fevered urgency - hence
the all caps and BOLD.) "Um, I'm from Minneapolis."
"NO, I MEAN WHERE WERE YOU BORN?" "Um,
right here in Minnesota, thanks." "NO, I MEAN ... WHAT
ARE YOU?"
For the record: I'm 1/2 Chinese, 1/2 Polish. Born in
America. Not adopted. US Citizen. But depending on who is
viewing me, I have been told I look Polynesian, Native American, Eskimo,
Fijian, Samoan ... the list goes on and on. People have a hard time deciphering what box they should be shoving me in. I remember one time on the school bus, this awful girl who looked exactly like Charles Schulz's Peppermint Patty was screaming Native American racial slurs. After about five minutes, I finally turned around and said "Are you shouting those at me? I'm not Native American." This realization took the sneer right out of her. "Oh? What are you?" I looked at her incredulously -- "So you can insult my true ethnicity? Yeah right." And turned back around.
When I recently visited China, the
Chinese people I encountered were very stern in pointing out that I do not look Chinese at
all. It made for a very bizarre growing up, identity-wise. The whites telling me I
wasn't white. The Asians telling me I wasn't Asian. Talk about
alienation! For a child already living in the shadows, this denial of my
identity just made the matter all the worse.
Looking back on that experience, had the nasty girl been calling me Chinese racial slurs I would have felt shame and anger. But because she was calling me Native American racial slurs, they washed right over me with no effect. A good commentary on the power of words ... if I could have successfully ignored all hate speech like that, I would have had a much happier childhood.
As an adult, the "WHAT ARE YOU?" still manages to pop up. Every now and again, people
ask me how I feel about biracial dating. And I have to answer that no
matter who I date, I'm already biracial dating because there are two races
within me. I grew up as an only child. My half-sister Squidge was
not born until I was a teenager. Being a shy, introverted child. I
longed for the company of a sibling. Someone who was like me and could
help me commiserate on life with my difficult mother. (See a blog post on life with my mother here.)
While I didn't have some sort of "Oliver Twist" childhood.
I was lonely for many of my early childhood years.
I've never known anyone
who had my same ethnic combination background. And it wasn't until I was
25 that a woman came running up to me babbling away. She thought I was
her friend - in fact she said I could be her friend's twin. I was
shocked. I was unique - a unique freak. There was no one like me.
After years and years of having "WHAT ARE YOU?" hurled at me,
the thought of there being someone out there who looked just like me was inconceivable!
A childhood spent watching too many soap operas with my Grandmother
caused me to wonder if I had been part of twins and one had been stolen away!
(Did I mention I live in states of high drama?)
After a couple years of
living in Tampa, I met a woman who shared a very similar childhood background
as me. She is Asian and she has her own load of regret and emotional
baggage from her childhood. She was a late bloomer and I think if she had
her way, she'd like to go back in time and get herself on the right path much
earlier. I felt an immediate connection to this woman. My heart
went out to her. I knew her pain. One of my friends asked me why I
was so drawn to her. I replied "Because she's me if I had gone down
a different path. We both had similar origin stories." This is
going to sound highly conceited and I don't mean for it to be - but I felt like
I owed it to myself and to this woman to help her stay on a more positive path.
It was like I was doing it for both of us. I had been fortunate to
have some experiences in high school and college that helped me break out of my
shyness, my depression and self-loathing. (OK to some degree - it's not
like I'm the poster child for perfect mental health.) But if I had not
had those experiences, I would be in a very dark place today. In being
friends with this woman I felt like I was reaching out to myself (as well as to
her) as we both seem to be forged in the same, dark foundry.
Plus she's a cool chick
and I like hanging out with her!
So now you have all the
background information ... let's get to the story of how I found my
doppelgänger on Twitter!
As you may know, Rush Limbaugh recently called Georgetown Law Student Sandra Fluke a "slut" and a "prostitute" on his radio show. Yes, he's a "shock jock" and he's
supposed to be creating controversy - but personally, I also think his radio
speeches are filled with misogyny. And I support that many of his advertisers are showing their disappointment through pulling their ads from his show. (As of this blog post, ABC News reports that over 40 advertisers have stopped advertising on Rush Limbaugh's program.)
The Twitter-sphere was focusing on
a particular aspect of the Sandra Fluke story. It appears that actress
Patricia Heaton (of "Everybody Loves Raymond") was making some
particularly low brow statements about Georgetown Law Student Sandra Fluke.
(Read the Twitter screenshots on awesome blog "Angry Black Lady Chronicles" here.) I was shocked at how low brow the
Tweets were. Apparently many other people had this thought as well, as Twitter was filled with many tweets on this subject. Allegedly, Patricia Heaton took down her Twitter
for a short period of time. Now just because the Twitter account says
"Patricia Heaton" and has a picture of her, doesn't necessarily mean
it was her. But apparently it was indeed Patricia Heaton, as she later gave an apology after drowning
in the backlash. (Read The Huffington Post article here.)
I thought this is why actors had publicists? Don't they pay people
to keep them from sounding like total idiots?
I basically use my Twitter account (@SouthTampaLily) to
publicize this blog, to shout out to local businesses and to occasionally
remind Moto Restaurant Chef de Cuisine Chef Richie Farina (Bravo TV Top Chef Texas Contestant) that he has dreamy eyes.
But I have to say I was hooked reading about the fury over both Rush
Limbaugh and Patricia Heaton.
I went to undergrad at a
very liberal college and reading the political fervor on Twitter brought me
right back to the good old college days! But without the grunge flannel and the budget beer hangovers! I started reading the blogs of
some of the Twitterers ... intelligent, funny, impassioned people with writing
skills way better than mine! Their blogs linked me to other blogs ... and
before you know it, I had lost several hours reading the wonderful thoughts and
writings of the Twitter world. It was through this "click on every
link" session that I stumbled upon an Asian woman living and writing from
Minnesota. As a 1/2 Asian woman who lived a majority of her life in
Minnesota, I was intrigued and started reading her blog. I read less than
1 1/2 blog posts when I pulled away from the computer, very confused. This
woman ... this woman could be me. Her experiences were mine. Her
thoughts and feelings were mine. It was absolutely like the movie
"Another Earth" when the scientist discovers her double on another
planet.
What the heck was going
on? I knew my Minnesota friends were very sad that I moved away.
But did they CLONE me? And if so, I don't remember the cheek swab
cell extraction! Who was this chick that seemed so similar to me? I
kept reading her blog posts. Her writing was much better than mine.
As anyone who reads my blog knows, I am a "rambling, stream of
consciousness, no attention to grammar or run on sentences" girl. In
fact, I prefer to be like William Faulker -- my run on sentences are EPIC!
I write like I talk - in fast, furious frenzy with no need for correct
punctuation! The joke at my work is that I get paid by the word!
And I'm quite OK with this as my writing style. But this woman -
this clone of me -- her writing was much more succinct.
"OH NO!!!" I gasped! "SHE'S LILY VERSION
2.0!"
She was NOT my clone!
She was the next version - the new and improved, advanced model! The de-bugged,
superior version! Goodbye flaws and self-loathing, hello Version 2.0!
"ARGH!!!!" So that's how it is, eh? I'm the
outdated model of myself? Well that figures! Sigh ...
I kept reading Lily 2.0's
blog posts. She had a history of depression and some of her posts were
incredibly sad. Her heart and her painful history were on full view right there on her blog. Every painful bit. My first reaction was "No-- too much -- why are you
being so open? It's the internet! It's chock full of crazies!"
And then my second reaction was that I wanted to give this poor woman a
hug. She and I had a lot of the same issues, same insecurities, same
angst, same pain ... but I had not let it shut me down to the extent she had in
her earlier years (according to her blog).
So perhaps she was not
Lily 2.0 after all ... perhaps I was her Tyler Durden!
My blogger doppelgänger wrote about the number of years she was riddled with depression and basically had been at a stand still in her life. These were years that basically had been wasted, never to be reclaimed or relived. Where do your hopes, dreams, spiritual energy and want of joy go when you are depressed? Perhaps
I am her manifested alter ego? While she was suffering from depression, perhaps a part of
her split off to have a life she was not emotionally capable of having at the time?
"You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O'Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?" (Fight Club)
Perhaps her hopes, dreams and energy just could not take another day of the depressed state. It somehow transformed into a being of ether, too many hair products and Coke Zero. This manifested alter ego then traveled the world -- Russia, Egypt, Latvia, Estonia, Malaysia, China, Japan, India, Turkey, Alaska and so many other points ... and now her own personal Tyler Durden was whisking around Florida in an old convertible, having love affairs with men not worthy and blogging about her life in long, rambling prose.
Tyler Durden: All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I f*ck like you wanna f*ck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not. (Fight Club)
But wait, if that's what happened -- that a part of her escaped to live a life more vibrant outside of her depression -- that would mean
that I'm not human. I'm some figment of this woman's imagination.
Ack! It's the snow globe scene from the last episode of "St. Elsewhere"! Too much! Too much!
But wait again, if I am
Tyler Durden that means I am Brad Pitt ... very sexy and everyone wants to be
with me ... But again, also then not human, figment of someone's imagination ... but
incredibly sexy and with Angelina Jolie ... but I'm not real ... hmmmm ....
it's kind of a toss up. Not sure which outcome to be rooting for here!
I went to grab my copy of
"Fight Club" from the bookshelf. Certain that the answer to
whether I was real or a figment of someone else's depressed psyche would be contained within its pages. The
novella wasn't where it usually sat. I searched my condo. It was nowhere to be
found! Great. I'm not only imaginary but somehow Lily 2.0 got into
my house and stole my book. Thanks a lot, Lily 2.0! More of the
good stuff you took from me and ran with -- a la Hedwig!
Tyler Durden: "Hey, you created me. I didn't create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better. Take some responsibility!" (Fight Club)
I kept reading Lily 2.0's/Edward Norton in Fight Club's blog
and the similarities just kept pouring out ... she's Taiwanese living in
Minnesota. I'm 1/2 Chinese from Minnesota but my entire Chinese family
lives in Taiwan. She adores Alan Rickman, the actor. I love him and
just saw him in "Seminar" on Broadway. She hates to clean.
As my maid service can attest, I do too. She has black cats.
I have black cats. She snores - I do occasionally. She has a
blog post talking about her summer of discontent. I have a blog post
talking about my summer where "Pink was the color of my itchy discontent."
She has a blog post where she mentions Guam. I have a blog post that
mentions Guam!
She is an excellent
writer. I'm ... OK, I like to write. She had been in a relationship
where she felt complete and normal. I had just been in a relationship
where I felt the same way. She wrote blog posts about how elated she was
when she was with this man. I did too. She broke up with this man
that she thought was "it" - the real deal. So did I. (Thanks a lot, Bad Ass Bandit!
You suck!) We were close in age - I'm a few years younger. She's
5'6", I'm almost 5'9". She has very long hair. I have
much shorter hair. She makes her living writing. I wish I made my
living writing. I am heterosexual. Her sexuality is of a more
all-inclusive variety. (My way of saying she is bisexual.) She
stayed in cold Minnesota. I fled for the warm climates of Los Angeles and
then Tampa Bay. She has body issues. I have body issues. (OK
what woman doesn't?)
But the biggest difference between she and I is that
she had the balls to post dignified naked pictures of herself on her blog as a
sign that even though she may not have society's "perfect" body that
she's not going to cower ashamed. It is a powerful statement of her personality and strength. Another sign she is Lily 2.0.
For the record, let me
state that Lily Version 1.0 will never have naked pictures posted on LilyOnTheLam.com!
Hell, I don't post my pictures of me with celebrities. I crop
myself out and post their pictures! (OK OK if you're dying to know what I
look like, check out my Twitter @SouthTampaLily-- my picture is there. But I'm CLOTHED
and will forever and always will be! Prudy McPruderson, thy name is LILY!)
I read more and more of
Lily 2.0's blog posts. The blunt, vivid, matter-of-factness in which she wrote
about the dark corners of her soul hit me like a caravan of cement trucks. I now understood why some of my blog readers feel like they too are getting
emotionally sucker-punched when they read about the lows in my life. I also understood why these same friends were then sad/afraid/scared for my mental condition. Everything was delivered raw, open and yearning. Like a freshly open wound, nerve endings searing hot. My readers could feel my pain, just as much as I could feel Lily 2.0's pain.
Lily 2.0 had written all these wonderful entries rejoicing about her
new love in very specific detail. Then months passed before she posted the next blog post. Her golden, joyous, whole-making, heart-warming relationship was over, she announced. This blog post was also her last in the entire blog. After several years of blogging, she proclaimed that she was going to put all her energy into writing
fiction. She was done with blogging and after all felt she was a much better fiction writer than blogger. This last blog post was dated November 2011.
After reading so much about
this woman's life - her joys, her happiness, her pain, her struggles ... I
couldn't believe that "the story" was ending there. Had the
break-up driven her back into depression? Was Lily 2.0 like me, where if
I can't write about something it means I am in the throes of darkness? I
wanted to send this woman an email and see how she was doing. Was she in a depressed state or was the choice to pursue
fiction versus blogging the right decision for her emotionally, psychologically and spiritually?
"She came up to me
after the show and I thought, "This lady wants a piece of me." So,
you know, I was alone, I had nothing in my hand, I was gonna go for the eyes...
She came at me from both sides and she gave me a fucking hug."(Hedwig and the Angry Inch)
It is amazing how close we
can feel to strangers when they pour their heart and soul out in a blog.
I once had a very close friend here in Tampa. Let's call her
"Fake." Fake made an accidental faux pas in etiquette -
disclosing some personal information about me that I hadn't wanted disclosed.
I very nicely told Fake that it was not her fault because I had not
specifically stated it was confidential and should not be shared.
However, I did want Fake to know that I didn't appreciate her sharing the
info. (As it was of a nature that is ridiculously private!) Instead
of apologizing, Fake went bat sh*t crazy on me. She said that no one
cares about me and that the only reason I was even a subject topic is because I
force myself upon people on my Facebook page. Ahhh yes, I make people be
my Facebook friends and make them check my page daily. I have a big gun
to their heads when they write comments on my FB page too. This woman is
no longer my friend. When someone seethes "NO ONE CARES ABOUT
YOU!"; it's best not to spend weekends hanging out with them. I can
imagine that Fake would think my blog is about me once again forcing myself
upon people. But it's a two way street. I write because it is a
creative outlet for me. One that I do not have in my day to day job.
I write because it makes me happy. It's a release. Whether
it's on a public blog or a journal, I write. And I love when people email
me or tweet me or make comments on the blog. I'm close to 15,000 page
views, so evidently there are some people out there who like reading what I
write. (Either that or I am very busy "forcing" a lot of people
to read my blog!)
I grew up feeling very
alone and alienated from the rest of the world. Finding Lily 2.0's blog,
I was reminded how very similar we all are. We all have hopes, dreams,
fears, emotional baggage and joys. And I would venture to say that we are all
more fragile than we think we are. Reading Lily 2.0's blog reminded me
that I need to be more patient and kind with people around me. That at
the root of it, we're all just trying to make it through the day - finding
peace or happiness or whatever our ultimate goal end state is.
SPOILER ALERT - Don't read this paragraph until you've seen
Hedwig and the Angry Inch!
"Hedwig and the Angry
Inch" is the story of chasing someone to get back what you believe they
have stolen from you - your art, your talent, your love and your life. In
the movie, Hedwig has a tattoo of a face split jaggedly in two. (I met a
man in Orlando who has the same tattoo - and I thought I was a big Hedwig fan!)
In the last scene of the movie, John Cameron Mitchell who is in drag any
time he sings a song, is now in men's clothing without the wig or the makeup.
He sings the song "Midnight Radio." There's a
line in the song that says "Knows that you're whole." And the
very last scene is Hedwig walking away and his tattoo is now a whole face versus
one split in two. He spent the whole movie chasing someone else, trying
to become whole ... but he only had to work on himself to become whole.
He didn't need the other person. It was within him all along.
(Did I mention I love this freaking movie? John Cameron Mitchell,
please bring it back to Off Broadway - or even Broadway this time. I need
to see it performed live!)
The soundtrack for
"Hedwig and the Angry Inch" is fantastic. I was going to play
it while I was writing this blog post, but I knew I'd end up spending my time
singing "Wig In A Box" (YouTube
video of the song here) instead of writing. Check it out on
iTunes or your favorite neighborhood record store today!
After scanning through
many entries over several years of Lily 2.0's blog, I knew I was not her clone.
I knew she was not exactly Lily 2.0. I still hold on hope that I am
Brad Pitt in female form, but I am probably not Lily 2.0's Tyler Durden.
So what was the point in the universe slamming me into Lily 2.0 so
unexpectedly? What is the message I should be taking away from all this?
(And as you know from reading my Ukrainian Restaurant blog post, I do believe
that everything happens for a reason. The universe is watching!)
Was it all just to remind me to be nicer to people? To stop being
an emotional bull in a china shop to those around me? (By the way, Bad
Ass Bandit - you still suck!) Or maybe it was a universe bitch slap.
Telling me that I'm not a unique snowflake and here's a chick making her
living writing and maybe I should too? (Ehhh, would the universe be that
bitchy??) The public marketplace is not ready for my brand of run-on sentences!
Tyler Durden: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. (Fight Club)
I do not know what the
universe's message is supposed to be here. I do know that I am not going to
take the experience lightly though, however. There is a reason behind all this. When I read some of Lily 2.0's blog posts, I
felt like I was reading directly from my own journals. (Albeit, hers were better written!)
There was something chilling and yet curious in hearing your voice
in someone else's words. I felt like an amnesia victim - I had no
recollection of writing those blogs but it sounded exactly like me. There has to be
some sort of grander design for such a coincidence to occur. Just because
I cannot see what that grander design could possibly be, does not necessarily mean that it
does not exist.
However just because there may be a grander plan at play, it doesn't mean there has to be a grander message too. After all, this could just be the universe telling me that it's time to watch John Cameron Mitchell's
"Hedwig and the Angry Inch" again. Whatever the message and whatever the
purpose is, it should be honored and respected. The universe doesn't just
do these things for sh*ts and giggles, after all. (Does it?)
Tommy:Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your
personal lord and savior?
Hedwig:No,
but I love His work. (Hedwig and the Angry Inch)
P.S. Do I email this blog to my doppelgänger? Will that cause worlds to collide? (That's a "Seinfeld" reference, people. See the "Independent George" clip on YouTube here.) Will Lily 2.0 think me a crazed stalker? Will she wonder why I keep calling her Lily 2.0? I'm not sure what to do ... your comments and inputs are welcomed!
