You Need To Tighten The Lid On Your Box Of Crazy

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

Since Venus went out of retrograde (is that the correct terminology??), I decided to devote more time and energy toward my dating life.  I don't know if it will bring me a healthy romance but it certainly has given me more entertaining stories to share during Happy Hour with friends!

From a very early age, people have told me that they think I am an "old soul."  I had one slightly odd "psychic" in Maine tell me I pre-dated Stonehenge.  Yeah look, I know I have wrinkles - but come on, I am not THAT old!  

I'm not sure whether my soul is old or if I have just been a judgmental biatch from an early age.  (My money is on the latter!)  I seriously have recollections of being around 3 years old and thinking about adults around me: "Well, you made an unfortunate life choice there."  

What 3 year old is giving side eye and talking shady?   

Evidently this pre-Stonehenge toddler does!

And since I have been judgmental from an early age (or for centuries), I have to remind myself to reel in the eye rolling when someone says something outlandish to me.  So much so that I feel like someone with Asperger Syndrome who has to learn how to show "societal conversation empathy."  

(Which by the way, I am currently reading John Elder Robison's book "Look Me In The Eye" - his fascinating memoir about growing up with undiagnosed Asperger Syndrome.  Check it out!)

A test of my lack of proper social skills came in a tall, dark-haired, athletic package.  Let's call him Mr. New Age.  I am all for bettering one's self and as someone who occasionally visits shamans and psychics and has 900 cats, who am I to judge others?  But after talking with Mr. New Age, I was Queen Judgmental of the Planet Condescension!

But let me explain ...

First, I was interrogated on what I have done to make this planet better for all mankind.  

Um OK, I volunteer with various organizations ... and um, I'm pretty so I beautify the world (bwahahahahha) and um ... I'm #TeamHuman.  I even have the bedazzled tank top proving it.

Is this the Miss America pageant?  Sheesh!  What have YOU done, Sir?  

Then I was asked about what percentage of my diet is organic.  

Really?  I mean, really?  Is this the new screening process for potential relationships?  "I'm sorry Sally, you eat 56% organic but I only date those who eat at least 74% organic.  Thanks for applying, but don't call me because I won't call you."

I tried to estimate my organic food percentage but all I could think about was the McDonald's cheeseburger Happy Meal I had recently purchased so I could get the Hello Kitty toy.  I am kinda doubtful whether that nuclear orange cheese and burger were organic!  And I ordered fries instead of apple slices!  Oh the humanity!

But I held my tongue and just kind of soft-shoed around the organic question as best I could.

Non-organic plastic, anyone?

Then Mr. New Agey talked about his intuition.  I made the mistake of saying that I thought I was pretty intuitive.  (Which honk my own horn here, BUT I AM!)  He mocked me and said if I was very intuitive I would be able to travel to other galaxies and access the Akashic Records.  Ugh, is that like a David Bowie cover band?  (Just kidding, but I mean - COME ON!)  

And by the way, how the heck does HE know that I am not levitating my way to other galaxies?  My luggage could be covered in stickers with all my space exploration.  My friends could be wearing "My BFF went to other galaxies and all I got was this lousy shirt" t-shirts!  It could happen!   

At this point I kind of spaced out ... which by that I mean, I was wondering whether being "really intuitive" also meant I could stab him with a fork and get away with it.  I pondered the odds of my escaping the law when suddenly I heard him saying something about eternal twin flames.  

I guess this is like a fancier version of a soul mate.  He said that once he learned he had an eternal twin flame that he was more relaxed about meeting people and dating.  I seriously had to hold my eye balls in place to not my roll my eyes.

Now I could have listened to his words and just said nothing.  That would have been the polite thing to do, I guess.  But if you're a regular LilyOnTheLam.com reader, you will know that I have the impulse control of a toddler who just ate a gigantic bag of fun size candy bars washed down with a 2 liter of Mountain Dew.  

Yep.  I just could NOT help myself.

I launched in to a discussion of Plato's Symposium and the line from Hedwig and the Angry Inch about "no cosmic lover pre-assigned" ... this was evidently the wrong thing to say to Mr. Eternal Twin Flame.  I just pooh-poohed his entire notion of a pre-destined soul mate!  He literally gasped as if I had deflated his soul.  

Um, whoops!

He then inquired - "So you don't think it is all predetermined?" 

Oh come on!  If you truly thought that your entire life was predetermined, why would you ever get out of bed in the morning??  I cannot believe that there is a spiritual deity that is micromanaging the nuances of my day to day life.  "On Tuesday, I'll make sure the Starbucks is out of non-fat milk and really ruin Lily's day!"    

So I said to Mr. New Age "I don't think anything is 100% predetermined."

Wrong thing to say.

You would have thought I said "I love killing puppies and babies for fun!"  He was so utterly horrified by my words.  

And that, my friends, is when I muttered, out loud: "You need to tighten the lid on your box of crazy!"  

I seriously can't believe that came out of my mouth!  

It was like I had an out of body experience.  One where I could NOT control my mouth!  (Maybe I am one step away from tiptoeing through those Akashic Records and levitating to distant galaxies after all!)  

I mean, it was what I truly and honestly felt - but I can't believe I said it out loud!  

WHOOPS!  

Is it too late to lie and say "Ooops, I have Tourette's"?  

So much for self-restraint or positive interactions or #TeamHuman for Lily On The Lam!  Queen Judgmental has made her royal appearance!

Maybe one day I will be a mature adult, but evidently not today.  

If I do have an eternal twin flame, I am pretty sure he doesn't suffer fools lightly either!  

Needless to say, Mr. New Age and I were not a love connection but the story has given me endless amounts of laughter over the INSANITY of it all.

I hope this tale of my new age dating angst made you chuckle!  And if it didn't, just levitate yourself over to another galaxy and think it over some more!  Thanks for reading!    

Things We Cannot Handle!

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

I love quality theater - whether it is Broadway or a local performing group, I am there with bells on!

Tampa's oldest performing arts group, Stageworks Theatre (at Grand Central at Kennedy near Channelside) is presenting a production of Aaron Sorkin's A Few Good Men (May 1 -18).

I have seen the movie 8 billion times but have never seen it performed on stage, so I am excited to see Stageworks' production.  I can't wait to see who they cast in the Jack Nicholson role!   

However until Stageworks' production starts, I have been (and probably will continue to be) shouting the line from the movie: "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" at my cats.  

The cats just blink at me and walk away.    

These cats are never going to make it to Hollywood with their sad, sad acting skills.

I think basing my retirement financial plan on "Wait until cats become big stars and get 20% as their manager.  Then sit back and GET RICH!" just may possibly have been an egregious error.

I once (briefly - as in one date and then NEVER looked back) dated a guy who was studying for his Certified Financial Planner certification examination.  He decorated his home like a cross between a Golden Girl and a Holy Roller (wicker furniture and black velvet paintings of a bloody Jesus dragging the cross).  

Here's a romance tip - the average person is not going to want to make out in front of a portrait of a bloody Jesus on his way to the crucifixion.  It just doesn't scream "sexy time!" 

Am I alone in this viewpoint?     

Mr. "Blanche Devereaux Holy Roller" would talk intelligently and articulately, but every now and again he would throw in a very quick dirty disgusting sentence.  He would then return back to his normal discussion as if he hadn't said the dirty come on.  

I seriously think he thought he was in the NBC Saturday Night Live Kevin Nealon sketch "Mr. Subliminal."  And that his "sneaking in" suggestive (and frankly, nasty) comments were somehow going to well … let's just say "make something happen."

I wanted to loudly say "Um, I can hear you - and it's NOT working."

I hoped it was just "immature boy sense of humor" versus "his pick-up move."  But in retrospect, I think he really thought he was working some subliminal sexual mind control on me.  (Ugh, GROSS!)  Perhaps after you finish your CFP certification boards, you should go to hypnosis school. Creepy Weirdo!

I basically had reached my limit of weirdness and abruptly ended the date.  He followed me out to my car.  My skin was crawling and I just wanted out of there.  With lightning fast precision, he grabbed my arm and pulled me toward him before I could even comprehend what was happening.  

He then opened his mouth and completely devoured my face.

He had appeared to have an average human-sized mouth, but by some anatomical anomaly he somehow managed to suck up my entire face- hairline to chin.  

I felt like he was an alien with some super-powered suction inhaling my potent life force and my eyebrows with his incredibly dripping wet tongue and mouth.

(Pause - Sorry, I needed to take a moment to just shudder at the recollection of this heinous event.  UGH.)

I shoved him away with both hands.  I was so grossed out!  My entire face was ferociously sopping wet.  How did one person have SO MUCH SALIVA?  It really had to be some sort of alien ectoplasm.  I needed a beach towel to dry off my entire head. 

Furthermore, I wanted to stick my face into a bucket of bleach.  Every pore was screaming as it drown under the mucus-y weight of alien goo.  I felt like my face had been violated!  Not romantic, not sexy - just sloppy sloppy gross gross!

This may give you some insight into my retirement financial planning.  If I have to choose between Mr. Buckets of Saliva as my Certified Financial Planner or hoping that my cats will be the next Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt … well let's just say I already plan to direct several movies starring my cats.

So dear readers, on that note … Stay DRY (no buckets of saliva)!  Stay happy!  Make sound financial decisions!  And enjoy some quality theater whether in Tampa Bay or your own neighborhood!    

Millet, Quinoa, Latin American Men and A Lot of Self-Doubt

I like tall men with quick wit, warm hearts and olive skin.  Is that too much to ask for?  So when I was asked out by a 6’3” Latin American student of Eastern Medicine, whom I will call Franz; I said “YES!”

I met Franz at a delightful little Indian restaurant in the Clearwater/Largo area.  When we walked in, a woman who I assume is somewhat mentally challenged, yelled out from her table:  “The goat curry has GOAT!  The fish vindaloo has FISH!”  I have never been the model of social grace and decorum, so I immediately began laughing at this woman’s truth.  “Never a truer word has been spoken,” I whispered to Franz during my inappropriate hysterical snickering.

Franz is a very handsome man.  Thick hair, olive weathered skin that brings to mind a life spent outdoors, enjoying every single moment.  Cute, adorable smile.  He was simply dressed and had the quiet demeanor of an Eastern monk.  I stared at him and tried to ascertain whether there was a steamy, smoldering font of lusty passion inside him or whether he was just a cold fish.  I couldn’t tell.  My powers of intuition tend to fail when trying to figure out men.

The Indian restaurant was having a buffet for Sunday lunch.  Everything looked great.  And yes, the goat curry had goat and the fish vindaloo had fish in it.  I gravitated to my usual favorites: butter chicken, chana masala, raita, naan and rice.  There was also a vegetable dish with peas and carrots that called out to me.  Each dish was perfectly spiced, fragrant smelling and delicious.  I definitely would like to visit this restaurant again.  It is so hard to find really good Indian food in the Tampa Bay area. 

Franz is not a spicy food eater, which was odd since he suggested the Indian restaurant.  Given his bland appetite, he should have taken me to “Uncle Louie’s House of Bland Foods.”  Within three forkfuls of the Indian buffet, Franz had completely broken out in a gushing sweat from every single pore on his face.  As the spices were causing a nasal reaction in me, I hoped that if I ignored Franz’s sweaty face that he in turn would ignore my constant nose wiping.  Isn’t that how it works, socially?  I hope!  Eventually Franz ran to the restroom to wipe down his face.  I loved the food, but it did not make for the most appealing first date bodily effects!

Being half-Asian, having traveled to Asia many times and having a friend who recently used acupuncture instead of drugs while giving birth to her first son; I was very curious to hear about Franz’s Eastern Medicine studies.  Perhaps his sweaty brow was less from the spicy Indian food and more from my interrogation style of questioning?  Hmmm….

Franz divulged his personal history and personal philosophy of life over a second plate of Indian food.  Franz did not drink alcohol.  He viewed his body as a temple and only ate healthy food.  He sang the virtues of millet and quinoa.  I stared at him and wondered how such a tiny word like “millet” could suck all the sexuality out of me.

My life is a series of pendulum swings – sometimes I am reclusive and introverted.  Sometimes I am ferociously manic and social, as if I were dying tomorrow.  My life spins in cycles … the moon, the tides and my level of personal insanity ebb and flow.  I have been riding a particularly manic social crescent lately.  I’ve been drinking more, going out more and just plain doing more than usual.  However being a person who lives in cycles, I don’t question any particular cycle that I happen to be in because I know eventually I will be at the polar opposite of the current cycle I am in.  That’s just me.  No need to question.

So here I am, in a more boozy, floozy, social cycle sitting across from a tall, handsome, Zen Monk-demeanor guy who is extolling the virtues of millet and quinoa.  And the first thing my catty, bitchy brain can think of is: “Oh yeah?  If you eat so healthy, why do you have a beer belly?”  And the second thing I think of is: “Doesn’t drink?  Solitary man?  This guy may be too wholesome and healthy for the likes of someone like me.”  Third thought in my head: “Ohhh I’m way too polluted for this, the timetable for the next emotional cycle may need to accelerate… NOW.  NOW.  NOW!”

I have a ridiculously large ego for someone who on occasion has the self-esteem of a slug.  Sitting across from Franz, thinking that this man may actually be too healthy and too together to date me was not a comfortable feeling for me.  Usually my commitment-phobic brain is calling out all the faults in a new date, but instead my traitor brain was listing out all my snarly flaws!  Ugh.  Stop that!

After lunch, Franz and I went for a long walk.  I was wearing 4 inch wedge platforms.  I loved that Franz was still taller than me in my huge heels!  Franz and I discussed more of Eastern medicine and then perhaps in a sabotaging move, I asked a question that should not be asked on a first date.  “So, what are your political views?”

Franz said that he was a combination of liberal and fascist.

Whaaaat?

Liberal and fascist.

Now seriously, I should have just changed the conversation topic at this point.  I knew the politics question was a bad one and now I could feel myself already sinking in the quicksand of his response.  But I’m ever so curious … too curious for my own good.  And so I asked “Um, could you explain that a little more?”

Franz thought that the government should put a sterilizing agent in the public water supply.  If you want to have children, you would need to apply for a license and if approved, you’d get a temporary antidote to the sterilizing agent.  Franz then continued about how we have the technology to painlessly and temporarily sterilize everyone in the world, right now and that this is a plan that should be put in action!

As I was 6’1” in my platform heels, my jaw had a long way to go as it hit the concrete sidewalk.

My eyes must have bugged out of my head, because Franz quickly had this ashen look of “Uh oh, said too much” and tried to reel in his tongue. 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I seriously felt my uterus scream as Franz talked about forced public sterilization.

The remainder of the conversation was a futile attempt to seem normal after a bomb had gone off.  My brain was reeling and Franz was embarrassed and a promising first date went right off the rails.

After another 15 minutes, I received a text from my friend LM cancelling our plans that night.  LM had returned from a cruise the night before and unfortunately, for her, the Earth was still rocking like a wayward boat.  I lied to Franz and said LM had asked to meet earlier and I had to go.  I’m sorry Franz, I lied.  (But I have no regrets!)

I gave Franz a hug goodbye and he squeezed my butt.  Seriously?  Millet, quinoa, forced sterilization and an ass grab?  Franz, I underestimated you entirely!

It was my first and only date with Franz.  We had exchanged some texts and emails afterward, but we could not rebuild after the bomb blast of Franz’s political views.  The goat curry has GOAT.  The fish vindaloo has FISH.  And this date has NO SECOND DATE.

I breathed a sigh of relief that I did not have to do a lot of soul-searching on whether Franz was too wholesome to date me.  His political views erased the need for that mental calculus all together!  Back to the dating pool for Franz.  Back to the dating pool for me.

P.S.  I had originally wanted to combine this blog post with my review of the Indian restaurant, but I did not want to link the name of a great Indian restaurant with a post on forced public sterilization.  So if you’re looking for a good Indian restaurant in the Clearwater/Largo area, email me at LilyOnTheLam@gmail.com and I’d be happy to share the name of the great restaurant!