Ohhhhhh America: Get Your Broccoli Out Of My Cookies

Happy Thursday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

It is Day Four of "Ohhhhhh America" week - places and things that make me shake my head in shame, sorrow or disappointment (and an occasional thing that makes me smile - like yesterday's post on FOAMHENGE.)  I am shaking it up by having a "New Product Wednesday" product review on a THURSDAY instead of a Wednesday.  (Can you handle it?)

I am crazy exhausted from my new job.  I feel like I am running my own personal sleep deprivation study.  I was supposed to start conference calls at 5:30 a.m. today and I just could not do it.  I got up and rescheduled the call with my European counterparts and then went back to bed.  I had hit the wall and I needed sleep.

Tuesday night, I met Ms. Wrigleyville for yet another awesome restaurant she had recommended to me - The Green Mint Asian Grill in Clearwater.  I will write a post about this super terrific place to get a Bahn Mi sandwich another time.  It is in the same strip mall as "The Fresh Market" grocery store.  This is important to note for the following reason ...

On Sunday, I had made the absolute sacrifice and woke up early (on a weekend!) to drive to Orlando to meet Mr. Cardamom Monroe for breakfast.  Mr. CM's realtor had mentioned that the Las Vegas restaurant Hash House A Go Go had opened in Orlando.  I convinced Mr. CM that we needed to go there and see just how big "monster portions" is ("Ohhhhhhhh America").  I will be blogging about this restaurant in a post I will title "Hash House A NO NO."  

When I set off to drive from Tampa Bay to Orlando, I was sniffling like crazy.  When I don't get enough sleep, my nose starts running.  (LilyOnTheLam Fun Fact!)  I knew it was a bad idea, but I popped a blue Benadryl to combat my nasal drip.  (In Australia, Benadryl is only cough syrup not allergy pills.  I learned this while traveling around Turkey with a bunch of Aussies.  Australian Fun Fact!)

Benadryl makes me very groggy.  

Do you know what's not smart to take when you're driving?  Something that makes you groggy!  (Not So Fun Fact!)  

I met up with Mr. Cardamom Monroe and we "a-went went" to Hash House A Go Go.  The portions were basically 900 pounds of food each.  ("Ohhhhhh America!")  I picked at the carb-tastic platter, but it was overly spicy and not so good ... although I am quite sure I probably still ate 2000 calories worth before I put down the fork.

Then Mr. CM and I walked around Lake Ivanhoe, trying to burn off the caloric gluttony.  It was very hot.  I was feeling bloated, stuffed and sweaty.  Sooooo not sexy!

Mr. CM then had to head to the airport and I was back in the car to head home to Tampa Bay.  The combination of Benadryl, fatty food and the hot sun was NOT good.  When I had about 35 minutes left of my drive to go, my eyes started fluttering.  

I was literally falling asleep behind the wheel in the middle of the day.  

If I had more than 35 minutes to go, I would have pulled over and slept in my teeny tiny backseat.

Frankly, I should have pulled over anyway.  The last leg of the drive was the slowest, most painful part!  I kept slapping my face.  I am sure I was quite the crazy sight for other people on the road.

What was worse was that not only was I falling asleep while driving but I was also intensely craving brownie pillow cookies.  

Like my blog post about cake in a pie crust, The Fresh Market grocery store sells sugar cookies that have a layer of brownie inside.  (Ohhhhhh America!)  I hadn't had a brownie pillow cookie in years, but as I was close to driving off the road I was seriously jonesin' for some cookies.

Need for sleep outweighed need for cookies however.  I drove straight home and it was immediately nap time for LilyOnTheLam.  

So on Tuesday night after having a lovely dinner with Ms. Wrigleyville, I couldn't just drive home when I was steps away from The Fresh Market grocery store.  

Nooooo .... I needed to buy some BROWNIE PILLOW COOKIES.  

Well karma smacked me in the face for wanting some sweet, sweet, brownie inside a cookie, sugar cookies.  

While I was in the grocery store, a four car accident happened down the road.  So by the time I was driving home, I was at a dead stop in traffic.  I drove three blocks in 45 minutes.  I was getting road rage!  

I had an evening conference call scheduled with my China team member and I just watched the clock slowly tick by.  Luckily some cops started directing traffic and I off-roaded over a median (probably not a good idea in a low convertible!).  I made it home right before my conference call started.  Success!  

I paid a high price for wanting cookies!  (And between you and me, they weren't as good as I remembered!  I still ate some anyway!)

The lesson to be learned here is "stay away from cookies!"  If being stuck in traffic for want of cookies did not teach me this lesson, this following horrific tale will.

I was shopping at Whole Foods grocery store for ingredients for a cooking contest/Bourbon party.  (Did I happen to mention I won second place?)  I loaded up my cart with all the fancy ingredients but then I spotted something surprising on the shelf ...

Lemon Broccoli cookies.  

What the what?  

Bitsy's Brainfood Lemon Broccoli Smart Cookies.  

Um, they don't sound so smart to me.  

Lemon BROCCOLI cookies?  I like lemon.  I like broccoli.  I like cookies.  I like lemon cookies.  I like lemon and broccoli.  But Lemon Broccoli Cookies?    

Next to these cookies were Orange Chocolate Beet "Smart" cookies.

And then Zucchini Gingerbread Carrot Smart Cookies.

I don't know what you're thinking, but I am thinking about a TASTE OFF COOKIE COMPETITION.  Tell Bitsy my brain is thinking a taste test is needed!

One particularly rough day at work, I decided to alleviate my stress with the smart cookie taste test.  I whipped out the lemon broccoli cookies first.  Might as well go big or go home.  Time to taste the scariest sounding one.  

The lemon broccoli cookies were beige-gray-brownish sadness in alphabet shapes.  I wanted to spell out "U-G-H."

I put one piece in my mouth and cried out "WHY GOD, WHY?" 

I seriously thought I had accidentally put a cat treat in my mouth.  It was dry.  It was mealy.  And it tasted like hell.  

The first bite was very lemony.  The after taste was pure dirt and broccoli.  If misery and shame had a flavor, this would be it.  I threw out the rest of the small bag.  I wouldn't wish these cookies on my worst frenemy.

I really didn't know if I could finish this three cookie taste test.  That was how bad the first bite of lemon broccoli cookies was ... it zapped my will to live (or even worse, my will to eat!)

I went next to the Orange Chocolate Beet cookies.  These were better but still had the "what the heck is wrong with these cookies?" aftertaste.  If stuck on a desert island with the choice of eating these cookies or sand, I would eat these cookies first.  

I still threw out the rest of the bag.  Blech.

On to cookie #3 - the zucchini gingerbread carrot cookies.  I actually had high hopes for these.  I like zucchini bread.  I like gingerbread.  I like carrot cake.  These are all good flavors.  Certainly cookie #3 had to be the winner, right?

Ohhhh how wrong, wrong, wrong I was.  These didn't taste like zucchini.  These didn't taste like gingerbread.  These didn't taste like carrot.  These tasted like betrayal, anger and insanity.  I wanted to spit them out.  They were not as noxious as the lemon broccoli cookies, but they still made me want to cry.

I'm all about trying to sneak in some health into a snack.  I love a Greek yogurt or cottage cheese based dip versus a fatty sour cream or mayo-laden one.  I like a turkey meatloaf chock full of grated vegetables.  But these darn cookies were hellishness in alphabet form!

So if you're keeping score, full sugar cookies caused me to get stuck in traffic and "smart" cookies made me want to hurl.  

Cookies are evil.  

Better to stick with pie.  

(Or my step-father would say stick with Trader Joe's Cat-shaped Cookies for People.)  

But avoid the cake in a pie crust.

These are the important life lessons I have learned while creating my "Ohhhhhh America" series of blog posts.  

I hope you enjoyed Day Four, there will be three more "Ohhhhhh America posts" for your head-shaking enjoyment this week!

As always, thank you for reading!

This Post is Dedicated to my Ukrainian Fans!

3/5/2012 Update:  In the short couple of days that have passed since I wrote this blog post dedicated to my Ukrainian fans, the Ukraine has held the #2 slot in most readers of LilyOnTheLam.com after my home country, the United States of America.  Evidently if you put out a message to the Ukraine, the Ukrainians definitely listen!  Thanks for reading!

I love data.  I think I was a statistician in a previous life.  By the way, that would totally fit into my world view -- if reincarnation does exist, I definitely believe that I was not Cleopatra, some great artiste or some heiress - I was probably a flunky office worker who died of typhus, unfulfilled.  I do not have an issue with the theory that I may have gone from life to life with minimal spiritual learning; since I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again in this life!  Ahhh, but one can dream!

I do feel that everything in this life happens for a reason.  I do believe the universe is constantly sending us messages; we may just not stop our hectic lives to take a moment and listen.  This past weekend I was in New York City.  With my love of data, I was intrigued to see that LilyOnTheLam.com is read in a variety of countries.  During the lifetime of my blog (since 2010, people!), the top eight countries reading my posts are (in order of most readers):

1.  United States
2.  United Kingdom
3.  Germany
4.  Russia
5.  Ukraine
6.  Netherlands
7.  China
8.  Canada

I love to travel and have been extremely fortunate to be able to see a lot of this wild, wacky world we live in.  Of the 8 countries listed above, I have been to 7 - which I think is pretty darn awesome.  Perhaps this is why I have readers in these countries-- evidently my visits have touched the heart of each nation.  Or um perhaps their Google searches steer them my way!  Whatever the reason, I think it is beyond cool that I have readers around the world.

The one country on the list that I have not visited is the Ukraine.  My European travel has primarily been around Western Europe, with the exception of Turkey, Latvia, Estonia and Russia.  The Ukraine achieved their independence from Russia on July 16, 1990.  And here is some trivia that you should feel free to use at parties or when trying to pick up a gorgeous woman in a bar:  "The Ukraine has more than 6,600 recorded species of fungi."  If that line doesn't get you laid, then you're obviously doing something wrong.  

Since I was in New York and have no plans to visit the Ukraine in the near future, I thought I should research Ukrainian restaurants in New York and review one as a tribute to my Ukrainian LilyOnTheLam.com fans.  New York City is a hub to the entire world.  If any city in America had a Ukrainian restaurant, I knew New York City would probably be the one to have it!

However, I didn't have time to research Ukrainian restaurants.  I was on my way to the East Village from Chelsea to grab a quick bite to eat and then see "Coriolanus" at Village East City Cinema.  I know what you're thinking - why are you going to see a movie in New York?  Because Tampa Bay, where I live, is deficiently short in quality indie films.  The "major" indie films tend to hit Tampa and nearby Orlando, but quantity-wise we are lacking.  I figured that there was little chance that "Coriolanus" would be coming to Tampa and who knew if it would be released on DVD?  "Coriolanus" is Ralph Fiennes' project - he not only stars in the movie, but directs it.  (See the YouTube movie trailer here.)  He has played the role on stage as well.  "Coriolanus" also stars Gerard Butler.   Ralph Fiennes and Gerard Butler?  I don't care if it's Coriolanus or "Herbie the Love Bug Gets an Oil Change" - I was definitely going to see any film that starred these two unbelievably gorgeous actors!  Count this girl in!

Read The New Yorker review of Coriolanus here.

In addition to seeing some hot actors in a Shakespeare production I have never seen before, seeing "Coriolanus" would top off my Shakespeare week.  KRG and I had attended the Orlando Shakespeare Theater's production of Shakespeare's "Cymbeline."  Then I attended the BAM- Brooklyn Academy of Music's production of Richard III, starring Kevin Spacey.  (Read my two blog posts about the production here:  Part One and Part Two.)  "Coriolanus" would be the third Shakespeare work I had seen within a week.  I have seen many Shakespeare works on stage, but I am eager to see the less famous plays as well.  (And by the way, if you have not seen the film "Anonymous" - go rent it NOW!)

When I was at the Orlando Shakespeare Theater to see "Cymbeline", an audience member said during the intermission: "This is the most convoluted of all of Shakespeare's plays."  And I could not have said it any better.  It was like every construct of Shakespeare's other plays was shoved into Cymbeline - star crossed lovers, cross dressers, the gods, ghosts, poison that makes you appear to be dead, revenge, evil stepmother, clueless father ... I saw so many of Shakespeare's other play plots within Cymbeline.   It was like the soap opera "All My Children" on steroids.  That being said, I loved the Orlando Shakespeare Theater's production of "Cymbeline."  If you are near Orlando, definitely make time to check it out.  (Also, I learned that Cymbeline refers to King Cymbeline.  I always assumed the name referred to a woman!  Live and learn!)

Back to my New York tale -- I grabbed a cab to the East Village.  I figured I could find a restaurant nearby the Village East City Cinema to grab a quick bite before seeing "Coriolanus."  The cab dropped me off on the corner down the street from the movie theater.  I looked up and this is what I saw ...

I told the universe that I should visit a Ukrainian restaurant in honor of my LilyOnTheLam.com Ukrainian readers.  And then what happens?  My taxi cab just happens to drop me right in front of a Ukrainian restaurant????  WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?  I knew that the universe was telling me that I needed to visit this restaurant - the Ukrainian East Village Restaurant.  Now I could take a minute and gripe about how I also wish to win a very large Powerball lottery jackpot, so why is the Universe not delivering THAT?  But nooooo ... I won't digress from the topic at hand.

I walked up to the Ukrainian East Village Restaurant and checked out the specials on the sandwich board. The Ukraine borders Poland and I am 1/2 Polish, so I figured there would be items on their menu that I would enjoy.

I walked inside the building and found the restaurant inside and to the left.

Always happy to see an "A" rating from the health department!

The restaurant was wood paneled and I seriously felt like I was in Europe.  I have eaten in restaurants similarly decorated in Latvia, Russia and Germany.  I loved feeling like I had stepped into a transporter and was in Eastern Europe - if only for an hour over lunch.

I ordered the matzo ball soup and a plate of cheese pierogies.  I love a good pierogi - an Eastern European filled dumpling.  What I also appreciated was that for 75 cents extra, you could have your pierogies pan-fried.  I love a good crisp shell on a dumpling - Asian panfried dumplings are my favorite.  So I splurged and agreed to up my bill an extra seventy-five cents to have the pierogies pan fried.

First, a basket of bread arrived.  I usually shun starchy carbs, but I felt my blog readers really needed to know how the bread tasted.  (I am doing it all for you, LilyOnTheLam.com readers!)  The basket contained two kinds of bread - a multigrain rustic country bread.  Your usual heavy, dense rustic bread.  The white bread however tasted like a cross between a beer bread and a Hawiian sweet bread.  It had a very weird fermenty but sweet flavor.  At first it was off-putting, but it soon became addictive.

Because my Floridian blood was freezing in the New York winter, I ordered soup at every meal I ate in New York City.  The matzo ball soup from the Ukrainian East Village Restaurant was quite good.  It was basically like any other good matzo ball soup you could get in NYC, but more carrots and the addition of fresh dill really made the flavor of the soup "pop" with fresh flavor.  I very much enjoyed it.

Even though I have been shunning starchy carbs, I felt that the universe demanded that I enjoy a lunch of Ukrainian food and what better than some delicious cheese pierogies?  My very friendly server brought out this gorgeous plate of pierogies.  I was eager to dig in!  Pan frying added a crisp chewy outer crust that I very much enjoyed.  It was tasty with oil, caramelized onions and I added a health dose of salt and pepper.

The pierogies were pretty good, but if I went back to the Ukrainian East Village Restaurant I would try a different filling for the pierogies.  The white farmer's style cheese was incredibly bland and brought nothing to the pierogi flavor.  Even added salt and pepper did not elevate the blandness much.  I prefer the white farmer's style cheese pierogies from The Pierogi Grill in Clearwater, Florida.  (If you are near Clearwater, check out this fantastic Polish restaurant.  My favorites are the potato and cheddar cheese pierogies and the Polish Letcho - a spicy vegetable stew.  See The Pierogi Grill's menu here.)

Farmer cheese filled pirogues

My entire meal at the Ukrainian East Village Restaurant was around $11.25 plus tip, so from a heartiness and a value perspective - it was a great deal.  I would visit this restaurant again.  They have a wide variety of Ukrainian foods and the service was great.

I then went to see "Coriolanus."  As usual, Ralph Fiennes did not disappoint.  I appreciated his modern day take on the Shakespeare play.  A wonderful production.

I truly do believe that the Universe is delivering messages and blessings to us every day.  On this particular day, the Universe also delivered pierogies!

Thank you to all my readers - especially my Ukrainian ones - for reading LilyOnTheLam.com.  I thank you all for your comments, your emails and Tweets.  I hope you enjoyed this post.  If you have a Ukrainian restaurant in your neighborhood, please leave a comment with the name and address of the restaurant.  Let's spread the word on great Ukrainian cuisine!

And an additional thank you to the universe.  Any universe that "magically" delivers pierogies to me is a pretty darn good universe.

Happy First Day of March 2012, readers!