You Need To Tighten The Lid On Your Box Of Crazy

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

Since Venus went out of retrograde (is that the correct terminology??), I decided to devote more time and energy toward my dating life.  I don't know if it will bring me a healthy romance but it certainly has given me more entertaining stories to share during Happy Hour with friends!

From a very early age, people have told me that they think I am an "old soul."  I had one slightly odd "psychic" in Maine tell me I pre-dated Stonehenge.  Yeah look, I know I have wrinkles - but come on, I am not THAT old!  

I'm not sure whether my soul is old or if I have just been a judgmental biatch from an early age.  (My money is on the latter!)  I seriously have recollections of being around 3 years old and thinking about adults around me: "Well, you made an unfortunate life choice there."  

What 3 year old is giving side eye and talking shady?   

Evidently this pre-Stonehenge toddler does!

And since I have been judgmental from an early age (or for centuries), I have to remind myself to reel in the eye rolling when someone says something outlandish to me.  So much so that I feel like someone with Asperger Syndrome who has to learn how to show "societal conversation empathy."  

(Which by the way, I am currently reading John Elder Robison's book "Look Me In The Eye" - his fascinating memoir about growing up with undiagnosed Asperger Syndrome.  Check it out!)

A test of my lack of proper social skills came in a tall, dark-haired, athletic package.  Let's call him Mr. New Age.  I am all for bettering one's self and as someone who occasionally visits shamans and psychics and has 900 cats, who am I to judge others?  But after talking with Mr. New Age, I was Queen Judgmental of the Planet Condescension!

But let me explain ...

First, I was interrogated on what I have done to make this planet better for all mankind.  

Um OK, I volunteer with various organizations ... and um, I'm pretty so I beautify the world (bwahahahahha) and um ... I'm #TeamHuman.  I even have the bedazzled tank top proving it.

Is this the Miss America pageant?  Sheesh!  What have YOU done, Sir?  

Then I was asked about what percentage of my diet is organic.  

Really?  I mean, really?  Is this the new screening process for potential relationships?  "I'm sorry Sally, you eat 56% organic but I only date those who eat at least 74% organic.  Thanks for applying, but don't call me because I won't call you."

I tried to estimate my organic food percentage but all I could think about was the McDonald's cheeseburger Happy Meal I had recently purchased so I could get the Hello Kitty toy.  I am kinda doubtful whether that nuclear orange cheese and burger were organic!  And I ordered fries instead of apple slices!  Oh the humanity!

But I held my tongue and just kind of soft-shoed around the organic question as best I could.

Non-organic plastic, anyone?

Then Mr. New Agey talked about his intuition.  I made the mistake of saying that I thought I was pretty intuitive.  (Which honk my own horn here, BUT I AM!)  He mocked me and said if I was very intuitive I would be able to travel to other galaxies and access the Akashic Records.  Ugh, is that like a David Bowie cover band?  (Just kidding, but I mean - COME ON!)  

And by the way, how the heck does HE know that I am not levitating my way to other galaxies?  My luggage could be covered in stickers with all my space exploration.  My friends could be wearing "My BFF went to other galaxies and all I got was this lousy shirt" t-shirts!  It could happen!   

At this point I kind of spaced out ... which by that I mean, I was wondering whether being "really intuitive" also meant I could stab him with a fork and get away with it.  I pondered the odds of my escaping the law when suddenly I heard him saying something about eternal twin flames.  

I guess this is like a fancier version of a soul mate.  He said that once he learned he had an eternal twin flame that he was more relaxed about meeting people and dating.  I seriously had to hold my eye balls in place to not my roll my eyes.

Now I could have listened to his words and just said nothing.  That would have been the polite thing to do, I guess.  But if you're a regular LilyOnTheLam.com reader, you will know that I have the impulse control of a toddler who just ate a gigantic bag of fun size candy bars washed down with a 2 liter of Mountain Dew.  

Yep.  I just could NOT help myself.

I launched in to a discussion of Plato's Symposium and the line from Hedwig and the Angry Inch about "no cosmic lover pre-assigned" ... this was evidently the wrong thing to say to Mr. Eternal Twin Flame.  I just pooh-poohed his entire notion of a pre-destined soul mate!  He literally gasped as if I had deflated his soul.  

Um, whoops!

He then inquired - "So you don't think it is all predetermined?" 

Oh come on!  If you truly thought that your entire life was predetermined, why would you ever get out of bed in the morning??  I cannot believe that there is a spiritual deity that is micromanaging the nuances of my day to day life.  "On Tuesday, I'll make sure the Starbucks is out of non-fat milk and really ruin Lily's day!"    

So I said to Mr. New Age "I don't think anything is 100% predetermined."

Wrong thing to say.

You would have thought I said "I love killing puppies and babies for fun!"  He was so utterly horrified by my words.  

And that, my friends, is when I muttered, out loud: "You need to tighten the lid on your box of crazy!"  

I seriously can't believe that came out of my mouth!  

It was like I had an out of body experience.  One where I could NOT control my mouth!  (Maybe I am one step away from tiptoeing through those Akashic Records and levitating to distant galaxies after all!)  

I mean, it was what I truly and honestly felt - but I can't believe I said it out loud!  

WHOOPS!  

Is it too late to lie and say "Ooops, I have Tourette's"?  

So much for self-restraint or positive interactions or #TeamHuman for Lily On The Lam!  Queen Judgmental has made her royal appearance!

Maybe one day I will be a mature adult, but evidently not today.  

If I do have an eternal twin flame, I am pretty sure he doesn't suffer fools lightly either!  

Needless to say, Mr. New Age and I were not a love connection but the story has given me endless amounts of laughter over the INSANITY of it all.

I hope this tale of my new age dating angst made you chuckle!  And if it didn't, just levitate yourself over to another galaxy and think it over some more!  Thanks for reading!    

A Song To Come Home To ... And Intense Hydration (A.K.A. Jackfruit Smoothies and Jackasses)

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

It has been an amazing summer with lots of trips including Turks and Caicos, Rio De Janeiro, San Francisco, New York City, Hortolandia, Raleigh, Boca Raton, Miami, Chicago, Cape Cod ... and more!  I have thousands of pictures that hopefully will make it to some blog posts.  (Including a picture of actress Reese Witherspoon who was standing next to me at the Boston Airport, waiting for her flight to Nantucket and a picture of Top Chef Contestant Kevin Gillespie who was staying at the same hotel as me in Chicago.  All these people are stalking me!  Ha ha!) 

Unfortunately, I have been concentrating more on work, fitness and reading than writing lately.  I think everything is cyclical - so I expect I will be writing more this Fall.  (Fingers crossed!)

It has been an extremely rainy summer in Tampa Bay, so this weekend with Tropical Storm Erika fizzling out I decided to take full advantage of the sunny weather by walking the gorgeous linear parkway that is Bayshore Boulevard.  On both Saturday and today (Sunday), I walked over ten miles each morning.  I have been walking a lot as I am in constant Fitbit competitions with friends and friends of friends ... and I have a freakish competitive streak when it comes to step counts.  (I think I have won all but one of the competitions I have been involved in on Fitbit.  I am a nerd.  But a nerd with calves of steel!)

This summer, I had the distinct pleasure of seeing the winner of Logo TV's reality competition show RuPaul Drag Race Season Five, Seattle drag queen Jinkx Monsoon in two shows:  "The Vaudevillians: Bringing Up Baby" in New York City and "The Inevitable Concert" in Provincetown, Massachusetts.  Check out a reel of Jinkx Monsoon moments on RuPaul Drag Race here or click below. 

In Provincetown, MA; I also saw RuPaul Drag Race Season Six winner Bianca Del Rio's show Rolodex of Hate, the best drag queen from my hometown: Miss Richfield 1981's show Cone of Silence, RuPaul Drag Race contestant Ben De La Creme and the Atomic Bombshells in a fantastic burlesque show and last but not least: Neil Patrick Harris and his husband David Burtka doing a great show of half-interviews, half-songs. (And I sat two rows ahead of the famed Harris-Burtka twins, Gideon and Harper.  Yes- Miss VIP that I am, was in 2nd row and the twin young children were in the 4th row.  Until they left the show early for their bedtime, that is.  Gideon had a gigantic smile on his face as he watched his two fathers singing on stage.)  It was an excellent show weekend in P-Town!  

Check out my Instagram @LilyOnTheLam for pictures of me with Jinkx, Bianca, Ben De La Creme and Miss Richfield 1981 ... as well as a ridiculous number of pictures of desserts that have made their way into my belly!

In my Fitbit fervor, I have been walking 5-14 miles a day at least 3-5 times a week.  Because I have the attention span of a gnat (at times), I entertain myself on my walks by taking nature pictures (see some of my pics below) and listening to podcasts.  But for my ten mile walks over the past 2 days, I was so ADHD that I could only handle listening to music. 

Bayshore Boulevard - Tampa, FL

These gorgeous flowers were at the five mile mark of my ten mile walk

I titled this picture "Little Bird in the Big City" on my Instagram

I think drag queen Jinkx Monsoon is ridiculously talented and I listened to his album "The Inevitable Album" several times on my long distance walks this weekend.  My favorite song off the entire album is called "A Song To Come Home To."  I sat in the 2nd row at The Art House in Provincetown, just knocked over by the song.  There is a live version of the song on YouTube, but the quality is not as magnificent as when I saw it in concert - so I am including links to both the recorded version (which I adore) as well as the live version.  

This haunting beautiful song has now become synonymous with me pushing through even when I wanted to turn around and end my ten mile walk early.  It makes me think of strength, resolve and the determination to make smart choices and have a better life. 

After my second of two-ten mile walks, I must have been very dehydrated because I went to the wonderful Pho Quyen Vietnamese Restaurant in Tampa and had: 1) a jackfruit smoothie, 2) a Vietnamese Arnold Palmer - half limeade and half tea and 3) a gigantic bowl of pho with a heavy amount of hoisin sauce and sriracha sauce.

Jackfruit smoothie & a Vietnamese Arnold Palmer!

Pho Quyen also gives a giant plate of bean sprouts for their pho, but I hate bean sprouts - so no go for my pho!

Lots of Hoisin and Sriracha in my Beef Flank Pho!

After rehydrating with all sorts of Asian liquids, I drove to Starbucks for MORE liquids while I finished reading my latest book.  Seriously, I am waterlogged ... or actually iced tea-logged.  I listened to Jinkx Monsoon's "A Song To Come Home To" as I drove to Starbucks. 

A couple days ago, a toxic guy I once was interested in but then wised up and had given the boot many, many, many months ago texted me.  His birthday was two days away so perhaps he was having some sort of aging crisis where he felt the sadistic need to reconnect to women who wanted nothing to do with him.  My eyes rolled so far back in my head at his "Oh, I just wanted to say `hi'" text that I was afraid they were going to get stuck back there! 

It was like "Dude, you were self-absorbed, vapid, misogynistic and unkind when I gave you the boot and from what I can see nothing has changed!  Why are you contacting me?"  If someone tells you they no longer want to talk to you anymore- why would you try to reconnect many, many months afterward?  It's sad.  I wanted to tell the guy to get some self-respect.  iPhone's and Gmail's blocking capability to the rescue! 

I follow "Prince EA" on Instagram and Facebook.  I find his motivational messages and videos to be inspiring and they always seem to be on topic for what is going on in my life at just the right times.  Today he posted these two internet memes which again had really amazing timing for what I have been thinking about recently.  

In trying to make healthy decisions for myself, it has been refreshingly easy to "walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy."  I listen to Jinkx Monsoon's "A Song To Come Home To" and I smile because just as the song helped me push through a ten mile walk (two days in a row!) when I would have rather been sleeping or laying by the pool; the song also serves as my anthem for taking overall care of myself - emotionally as well as physically.

It is good to respect yourself enough to make the best decisions for yourself ... and it's also good to be extremely hydrated.  Ha ha!  This summer has not only been a time of some amazing travel, but also a time of focusing on what is important and leaving all the rest behind.  I hope your summer has been amazing too, dear readers!

As always, thank you for reading!

The Perfect Saturday: Living in the Moment, Enjoying The Moment

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

Happy Monday!  How was your weekend?  Mine was absolutely fantastic.

When I was sixteen, my paternal Grandfather was suffering from Alzheimer’s.  In the mornings, it was like his memory had been wiped clean.  I only visited my grandparents one to three times a year so I did not take it personally that my Grandfather had no idea who I was.  But it broke my heart that he had zero recognition of my Aunt – his daughter – who lovingly and faithfully cared for him day in and day out.  

However in the evenings, it was like someone turned on a flashlight in the darkness.  My Grandfather would look at me with full recognition.  He had absolute and complete total recall of all of my and my mother’s major life events.  He would even ask me about things I had long forgotten about, which made me wonder how much our brain retains of our lives even when we are unaware,  He died less than six months after I had last seen him, but I hold those rare lucid discussions near to my heart. 

My maternal Grandfather had suffered a similar fate.  As he lived in Taiwan, I did not get a chance to see him often during my childhood.  On my last trip to see him before he passed away, I spent a week with him.  However he was in a complete fog to all around him.  He did not speak and did not appear to be cognizant of the world.  We took him to his favorite Japanese restaurant and he seemed to enjoy eating chawan mushi.  It made me very happy to see him happy.  

However, next we had to stop him when he quickly used his chopsticks to pick up a golfball size of wasabi and tried to eat it.  The look of pity mixed with sadness on my mother’s face as she saw her father intellectually and spiritually wasting away in front of her is a look I wish I could erase from my own memory. 

Fifteen minutes before my mother and I were leaving to go to the airport to fly from Taiwan back to the United States, my maternal Grandfather looked up from his wheelchair and focused on my face.  The fog had been lifted and he said to me in English “thank you.”  

I was overjoyed that the veil of darkness had lifted even for a precious moment and that he could truly see me, know who I was and know that I was there for him.  However I was  overcome that it was right before I was leaving.  I had spent over a week there and before I leave, he finally “wakes”?  It didn't seem fair.  

But I told myself that this moment - however short - was a gift.  Better to have one moment than no moment at all.  

Within five minutes, the fog had returned and my maternal Grandfather was staring off into space again.  I stopped feeling sad about that the lucid moment came right before I was leaving.  Instead I offered a thank you to the universe for this very brief moment with my Grandfather and then I headed to the airport.  It was the last time I saw my Grandfather before he passed away. 

This weekend has made me think a lot about living in the moment and appreciating moments for what they are versus wishing for more.  

Friday night, the infamous Cardamom Monroe drove from Orlando to Tampa to take me out to dinner.  His new home purchase – a grandiose estate that he insists on calling “Lily East” in deference, reverence and homage to yours truly – has successfully passed the appraisal and home inspection stages.  The pathway to house closing is near.  Very exciting!  

Unfortunately as a soon to be new resident of Florida, Cardamom Monroe does not know that driving from Orlando to Tampa on a Friday during rush hour is hell on Earth.  It took him almost 3 hours to drive what usually takes 1.5 hours.  I bided my time waiting for Mr. Cardamom Monroe by doing some major clothes shopping.  My convertible trunk was fully packed by the time Mr. Monroe entered Tampa air space.  Ca-ching!

In his ever present need to “Keep up with La Lily,” Cardamom made some exquisite purchases of his own.  Everyone coast to coast knows that Cardamom Monroe has got style for kilometers and his purchases were excellent.  

After our shopportunities, Mr. Monroe and I went for bad sushi at Zen Bistro Grill + Sushi at International Plaza Mall.  The service was terrible, the food was mediocre to inedible but the Tito’s vodka pineapple jalapeno infusion was TO DIE FOR – so lesson learned that I will only be drinking at this particular sushi restaurant.  

BUT who was later seated at the table next to me, doing some late night sushi dining?  It was Miss Spokesmodel herself!  One of my friends is a model for the Home Shopping Network (I am ALL ABOUT SHOPPING in all forms and mediums).  I haven’t seen her in ages but all of a sudden, Miss Gorgeous Thang gets seated next to me.  Her date was a stunningly hot man.  Two fabulous women having late night sushi with two gorgeous men – it was like we were twins for the evening!  So while the restaurant sucked, I was glad for a killer cocktail and a chance to catch up with a knockout model friend.

Given the late Friday night start, I didn’t go to bed until past 2 a.m. which was unfortunate because I had agreed to do the Tampa Bay AIDS Walk with Ms. Kentucky on Saturday.  This is the second time in two years that we have participated.  When my alarm went off Saturday morning, I let out a shriek of “WHY GOD WHY?” and cursed a blue streak against Ms. Kentucky and her devious ways making me do a charity walk.

I may have been extremely tired but I looked ADORABLE.  Camouflage hat, Prada sunglasses, cute little black and green spandex-y capris and a hot pink extremely flattering top.  One never knows whom one will run into at a charity walk in St. Petersburg, you gotta look cute!  And I was bringing it! 

The actual walk itself is very short – 2.5 miles and the year prior it had only been 1.2 miles while frankly felt like 0.7 miles.  Last year, Ms. Kentucky had declared that this physical activity had earned us brunch.  In my best Jillian Michaels impersonation I scoffed that this “walk” had barely earned the parsley garnish on the lackluster brunch we would later have at Birch and Vine at the Birchwood Hotel.  

So this year I told Ms. Kentucky that in addition to the 2.5 mile walk for charity, we would be doing an additional 2.5 miles before she could eat brunch.  We had to do better at “earning” the right to eat.

Because Ms. Kentucky is a trooper with a positive attitude and a heart of gold, she agreed to do the five miles … but I suspect somewhere in her home is a voodoo doll with my picture taped to it and a hundred pins stabbed into it.

Before the walk, we stopped at the The Hooker Tea Company in St. Pete to hydrate.  I ordered a ginger peach tea which I mistakenly thought would be super yummy like the Republic of Tea’s ginger peach black tea blend.  

BUT OH NO ... OH GRANDMOTHER BEULAH, THIS TEA SUCKED DONKEY BUTT.  It tasted like dirty bark and made me want to cry!  

I dumped two stevia packets in it and that just made it taste like dirty bark with stevia.  But I was extremely thirsty, so I kept drinking it and then fervently complaining to Ms. Kentucky after each and every tastebud-destroying sip.  Did I mention that Ms. Kentucky has the best attitude ever? 

We did the Tampa AIDS Walk and talked with several fabulous people along the way.  In homage to my mother, I acquired a Walgreens backpack full of swag from all the vendors at the start line.  If you need a pill box or a floppy visor, I have eight hundred of them!  

I then made Ms. Kentucky walk further and further.  At about 6 miles, she flopped down on the ground in temporary defeat.  As a good friend, I rushed to her side, snapped a picture of her and texted it to Ms. Toledo who instantly responded with “Is she OK?”  I responded back “I haven’t had a chance to check yet, too busy texting pictures of her dead body to people.” 

Ahhh, it’s a wonder I have any friends at all!

I inspired Ms. Kentucky to get up by doing a Happy Dance of “Do it for brunch! I promise we’ll go to the first restaurant we see!  Get up!  Get Up!” which was the follow up song to my “You gotta REV IT UP” which I said ad nauseam to Ms. Kentucky the last mile of our walk.  The fellow charity walkers found this hysterical as I hopped like a bunny shouting “REV IT UP!  REV IT UP!” – and like a toddler with an audience, I sashayed, shimmied and gave my all for cheap applause.  

Seriously it’s a wonder that Ms. Kentucky didn’t turn around and just leave me there.  But she didn’t – and we had brunch, raised money for charity and walked almost seven miles together by the time we were done, so I call that a WIN-WIN-WIN! 

After I returned home, I showered and lost all motivation to do anything.  I answered some emails and found out that the nicest, older gentleman who I volunteer with had passed away that morning.  He truly was the sweetest man, very unassuming and just content to be of any help he could when we volunteered.  I volunteered with his wife a lot and I said a prayer that she had support around her during this sad time.

I felt like the news about the death just sucked up the little energy I had left in me.  Lack of sleep + too many cocktails + early charity walk + sad news = sleepy Lily.  That’s “New Math” for you oldsters.  I decided a long nap was needed.

When I arose from my coma – ahem nap – I spent an hour on the phone with the man who will be now known as Mr. Crushable – as it is very easy to have a crush on him and he can very easily crush me.  Which is gag-tastic to admit to because I like to pretend I am SuperLily – impervious to all hurts!  But evidently I left my cape of invincibility at the dry cleaners.  

Mr. Crushable is awesome but he’s also like 3 steps forward, 4 steps back.  He tends to be this super cool guy and then after awhile he has to be a douchebag just to remind you not to depend on him or rely on him.  It’s really sad.  

Growing up in a low rent transient apartment complex filled with drunks, addicts and the mentally ill; I have a very low tolerance for inconsistent personalities.  If you are nice one moment, then a raging loon the next; I am going to have my own personal freak out.  I’d rather someone be an ass 100% of the time then be nice 60% of the time and a mean arsehole 40% of the time.  I don’t like to constantly guess if I am with Dr. Jeckyl or Mr. Hyde.  Patiently waiting for the other shoe to drop was never my forte.

But Mr. Crushable was Dr. Jeckyl for the moment and we had a really lovely talk that I enjoyed very much.  

Next on my “Perfect Saturday” agenda was driving down to Madeira Beach to see the man known as “Malibu Ken Doll” ‘s new beach house.  MKD used to live very close by so having to drive 45 minutes to visit him is a slight pain, BUT the reward of being so close to the beach is awesome. 

As I drove out to Madeira Beach, I thought about my phone call with Mr. Crushable.  I thought about my time with my two grandfathers and how I had to focus on the good times versus the overall sadness of the situation.  I wondered if I needed to take that approach with Mr. Crushable – just enjoy the good moments in the actual moment and expect nothing more than that.  But for me that is probably much easier said than done.  

MKD and I hung out at a fabulous dive bar called Screwie Louie’s – which might as well be called Screwie Lily’s.  I watched a silicone blond order a side salad (who is having a side salad at 10:30 p.m.?) as a Sopranos extra older man stared at her, hoping he’d get a kiss or a fondle after she finished her side salad.  But the look on the plastic lady’s face was telling me that the Sopranos extra wasn’t even going to get a hug at the end of this night!  Side salads are rarely ever the prelude to a hot and heavy make out session.  

After cocktails and fun chatter with Joe the Bartender, MKD and I went for a moonlit walk along the beach.  The water was warm and the air was slightly cool – in other words, perfection.  The sand was sooooo fluffy soft.  I enjoyed feeling the tide splash my feet as we walked along the beach carefree and happy.

When I lived in Los Angeles, I dated a guy (a.k.a. Steve the Criminal – because his name was Steve and I found out later on that he was a criminal).  Steve the Criminal lived in a tiny beach cottage in Manhattan Beach.  I loved his little cottage because everything was multi-functional.  The kitchen table folded up into the wall.  He had a futon for both his bed and couch.  Everything in the home could be folded up for quick storage.  The entire house was less than 300 square feet and yet it had everything one would need.

Steve the Criminal and I used to hang out at Hermosa Beach, watch the sunset and go for night walks along the beach.  Although I have lived in Florida for 1000 years, I rarely go walking on the beach at night.  It tends to be beach days – or even sunset watching, but then leave.  Walking along the beach at night with MKD, I was shocked to really realize how little in my entire time in Florida that I had spent at the beach at night.  I really need to take advantage of living in an area with such great beaches.  Life is too short, seize the moment! 

MKD and I sat on the beach after our walk.  There is something so peaceful about hearing waves crashing on the beach.  It was like perfect meditation.  Complete bliss.

And to end my Saturday, before I went to bed I saw pictures from my friend Jason (a.k.a. theinspiration behind my Loopy Vodka cupcake)’s wedding in New York.  Guests had started posting pictures during the reception and it looked like a gorgeous event.  Seeing all the happy faces, I felt like it balanced out hearing about the death earlier in the day.  A reminder that "yes there are endings, but then there are new beginnings too."

I feel like my Saturday was filled with all these great little moments.  It was absolute perfection.  I felt like the entire day was reinforcing my earlier thought about how I should just enjoy the moment in the moment versus thinking too much of tomorrows, the future and “what ifs.”

Sunday morning I woke up and had to pack for my next trip.  Mr. Crushable sent me a text message – Mr. Hyde must now have control of his phone because it was a douchebag text.  I just shook my head – whenever things are good with Mr. Crushable, he has to follow it up with ridiculousness.  Really truly sad, but predictable.

The rest of my Sunday was absolutely spectacular (I’ll blog about my wacky Sunday another time!).  I am going to hold dear to my heart all the wonderful little moments I had this weekend.  So much unbelievable loveliness for one weekend.  I feel truly blessed!  I hope you all had a great weekend as well!  Thank you for reading!      

Oh Silly Boys ...

Happy Thursday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

There is a guy who does videos on Buzzfeed and each week he posts on his Facebook page:  "Man.  This fucking week.  Am I right?"  

And sadly it's not repetitive to me even week after week after week, I just want to say back "YES. YOU ARE RIGHT."  

This new job of mine has been chewing on me like a rabid dog, but in the past couple weeks I have started to get into the rhythm.  There's this tiny voice in my head that keeps saying "You're a scrapper!  You're a scrapper!"  The voice is getting slowly louder and more convincing.

There are two tech guys who are doing a particularly misogynistic job of trying to undermine me.  They keep saying "Oh Lily just doesn't understand ...." and pretend I am not even on a call or in the room whenever I disagree with something they are saying.  As if it is more plausible that I am an idiot versus them being wrong.  And I want to say "Your development work is three months behind schedule, WHAT DON'T I UNDERSTAND?"    

But I don't say those words because frankly in matters of technology development, I need more friends than enemies.  In this particular matter, I'd rather swallow my pride several times than burn a bridge I will need to have in my back pocket to be successful.  So I tell myself "Suck it up, Little Camper!" 

This guy I barely know - let's call him "Mr. Fuel Additive Salesman Wannabe" read my blog where I mentioned a guy who was in sales and was a big liar.  He automatically assumed I was talking about him ... which I can absolutely understand why.  

I guess I need to be more specific about which particular lying male I am referring to in my blog ... that or stop associating with so many men who LIE!  Ahhh, what a Sophie's choice that one is!  LOL!

"Man.  These fucking men.  Am I right?"  should be my weekly Facebook post!  

Side Note:  Why do guys I am no longer interested in dating continue to read my blog?  Probably for the same reason people I don't want to be friends with read my blog?  Click on some ads while you're here, ex-boyfriends, people I don't want as boyfriends, ex-friends and people I don't want as friends - I could use the ad revenue dollars!  

My horoscope for August said that I wouldn't have to chase anyone this month, that romantically men would be pursuing me.  Which has been shockingly true, but what the horoscope neglected to say is that I wouldn't be interested in 90% of those who are chasing me.  Sigh!

I have 10,001 pictures from my latest adventures and zero drive to post them and write about anything!  But perhaps eventually when life slows down, I will actually take a moment -- I have a post called "Three Nights of Udon in the Twin Cities" that is just begging to be written.  BEGGING!

But until then, I will wish a belated Happy Birthday to my favorite "dirt farmer."  The Matt Nathanson song "Birthday Girl" makes me think of lovely Mr. Indiana in many ways ...

Happy Thursday, LilyOnTheLam.com readers!  I am happy the weekend is almost here ... are you?

To All My Real Housewives Friends and Twitter Friends

Happy Tuesday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

Yesterday, I declared it "New Product Wednesday on a Monday" and today I am declaring it "New Product Wednesday on a Tuesday!"  You are very lucky ... or I need to get a calendar.

If you are a regular reader of LilyOnTheLam, you will know that many times my posts are pretty much "what you see is what you get and what you get is crazy and wacky!"  I could write about myself in a self-aggrandizing light, but self-deprecating is a wee bit more true to form in a "why do these weird things always happen to me???" way.  

So in other words, why waste my breath or my fingers' typing away by trying to make myself sound better than I am?  It's better to just tell the truth and laugh along with everyone else ... who are laughing at me, hysterically laughing at me.  Sigh!  (LOL!)

In that viewpoint, I will admit to those of you who do not already know that I ... watch ... reality television.  

As in, my TV is permanently tuned to Bravo TV.  

(Side note: Hottie former Marine male Kelley from "Below Deck" favorited one of my tweets, which I think means he is in love with me.  Yep, pretty sure of that.)  

Now in my free time from being perma-glued to the reality TV line up, I also like to shop.  Yes, I am a walking stereotype. I know it.  I own it.

Now the reality TV stars of Bravo really do know that their audience loves to both shop and watch and there are all these side items they are constantly referencing on episodes.  

I feel like it is one part reality TV, one part HSN home shopping informercial.  I've never had a burning desire to buy Nene Leakes' clothing, Ramona Singer's Pinot Grigio, Vicki Gunvalson's vodka or have any of my pets buried and/or eulogized by Phaedra Parks or Sonja Morgan.  (I have tried Bethenny Frankel's Skinny Girl Margarita but found it too sweet.)  However, there is ONE product that has been touted AD NAUSEAM on "Real Housewives of New Jersey" that I was slightly curious about ...

I give you... the Manzo Boys' marketing company promoted BLK water!

  
It's water.  And it's black.  It is "alkaline fulvic trace mineral infused water" which basically to me sounds like the Swedish Chef talking.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where in most settings appearances count.  I know you should not judge a book by its cover, but I was really having a tough time looking at the BLK water,  When I look at a bottle of black liquid, I don't think "refreshing" or "hydrating."  I think "murky" and "swamp-like."  But I was also curious ...

So when I saw a bottle of BLK water on the shelves of Southern Season in Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina; I gave out a shriek of reality TV joy!  I may have to work 9000 hours in NC on a business trip, but there would be some BLK-water drinking time squeezed in there too!

I chilled the bottle to icy cold temps.  Not so much on purpose but because the refrigerator in my hotel room was straight outta Antarctica!  I opened the bottle and just stared at it.  Black water.  Hmmm.  I slowly raised the bottle to my lips and took a sip.

It tasted like water with an earthy aftertaste.  

It tasted like water from a really old house's kitchen sink.  

It was ice cold and yet tasted tepid.  How is that possible?

I have been in mud baths and thermal pools in Pamukkale, Turkey and hot springs in Taiwan and Malaysia, so I am not afraid of some minerals in my water.  But BLK water was not in the same vein.  It's hard to explain but I felt like it was anti-hydrating.  One sip and I didn't feel quenched or refreshed.  My mouth actually felt drier.  I have had alkaline waters before (I'm still looking for Shahs of Sunset's Asa Soltan's Diamond Water!) and have not had this sensation.

I forced myself to finish off the bottle.  When the bottle is empty, one sees that there had been black writing on the bottle that is only clearly visible once the bottle is empty.  It said "DEFY EXPECTATIONS" on the bottle.

Did BLK defy my expectations?  Sort of, but not in a good way.  I actually had high expectations for a mineral-infused water.  I was thinking that this might be a "good thing" for my body ... and maybe it was, but it certainly wasn't a treat for my taste buds.  Plus for some reason "DEFY EXPECTATIONS" made me think of "SURRENDER DOROTHY" from "The Wizard of Oz."  

Side note:  My Mother bought me Wizard of Oz bed sheets when I was little, a real life picture of the green Wicked Witch scared me so much that I ripped the sheets off my bed, balled them up and shoved them in the back of a drawer.  The life lesson there is: "Don't go to bed with things that scare you."  Which should be handed out on cards to people leaving bars at 3 a.m. with strangers.  Just sayin'.

Side Note #2:  I am pretty sure I think of "SURRENDER DOROTHY" when I see "Defy Expectations" because of the song "Defying Gravity" from the Wizard of Oz musical wicked.

I'll take Idina Menzel singing over drinking a bottle of BLK water ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.  Ms. Ohio and I saw her both in a one woman concert and in the pre-Broadway showings of her musical "If/Then" in Washington DC with a one Mr. Cardamom Monroe.  While I ADORED Idina Menzel in concert, I found "If/Then" to be rough, lackluster and uneven.  I hope it was polished more before it appeared on Broadway.  

Anyway, I found BLK water to be like my reality TV show watching.  Full of sturm und drang, signifying nothing.  Which also has been an appropriate metaphor for my dating life recently.  I had high hopes for "The Commissioner."  A man who kept telling me how honest, forthright, caring and compassionate he was.  Did I also happen to mention he works in sales?  Lots of words about how wonderful he was and little action to back it up.  You're a bottle of black water that tastes crappy and leaves me dehydrated!  So buh-bye Commissioner and on to the next one!   

Happy Tuesday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers - thanks for reading!