Ohhhhhh America: Get Your Broccoli Out Of My Cookies

Happy Thursday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

It is Day Four of "Ohhhhhh America" week - places and things that make me shake my head in shame, sorrow or disappointment (and an occasional thing that makes me smile - like yesterday's post on FOAMHENGE.)  I am shaking it up by having a "New Product Wednesday" product review on a THURSDAY instead of a Wednesday.  (Can you handle it?)

I am crazy exhausted from my new job.  I feel like I am running my own personal sleep deprivation study.  I was supposed to start conference calls at 5:30 a.m. today and I just could not do it.  I got up and rescheduled the call with my European counterparts and then went back to bed.  I had hit the wall and I needed sleep.

Tuesday night, I met Ms. Wrigleyville for yet another awesome restaurant she had recommended to me - The Green Mint Asian Grill in Clearwater.  I will write a post about this super terrific place to get a Bahn Mi sandwich another time.  It is in the same strip mall as "The Fresh Market" grocery store.  This is important to note for the following reason ...

On Sunday, I had made the absolute sacrifice and woke up early (on a weekend!) to drive to Orlando to meet Mr. Cardamom Monroe for breakfast.  Mr. CM's realtor had mentioned that the Las Vegas restaurant Hash House A Go Go had opened in Orlando.  I convinced Mr. CM that we needed to go there and see just how big "monster portions" is ("Ohhhhhhhh America").  I will be blogging about this restaurant in a post I will title "Hash House A NO NO."  

When I set off to drive from Tampa Bay to Orlando, I was sniffling like crazy.  When I don't get enough sleep, my nose starts running.  (LilyOnTheLam Fun Fact!)  I knew it was a bad idea, but I popped a blue Benadryl to combat my nasal drip.  (In Australia, Benadryl is only cough syrup not allergy pills.  I learned this while traveling around Turkey with a bunch of Aussies.  Australian Fun Fact!)

Benadryl makes me very groggy.  

Do you know what's not smart to take when you're driving?  Something that makes you groggy!  (Not So Fun Fact!)  

I met up with Mr. Cardamom Monroe and we "a-went went" to Hash House A Go Go.  The portions were basically 900 pounds of food each.  ("Ohhhhhh America!")  I picked at the carb-tastic platter, but it was overly spicy and not so good ... although I am quite sure I probably still ate 2000 calories worth before I put down the fork.

Then Mr. CM and I walked around Lake Ivanhoe, trying to burn off the caloric gluttony.  It was very hot.  I was feeling bloated, stuffed and sweaty.  Sooooo not sexy!

Mr. CM then had to head to the airport and I was back in the car to head home to Tampa Bay.  The combination of Benadryl, fatty food and the hot sun was NOT good.  When I had about 35 minutes left of my drive to go, my eyes started fluttering.  

I was literally falling asleep behind the wheel in the middle of the day.  

If I had more than 35 minutes to go, I would have pulled over and slept in my teeny tiny backseat.

Frankly, I should have pulled over anyway.  The last leg of the drive was the slowest, most painful part!  I kept slapping my face.  I am sure I was quite the crazy sight for other people on the road.

What was worse was that not only was I falling asleep while driving but I was also intensely craving brownie pillow cookies.  

Like my blog post about cake in a pie crust, The Fresh Market grocery store sells sugar cookies that have a layer of brownie inside.  (Ohhhhhh America!)  I hadn't had a brownie pillow cookie in years, but as I was close to driving off the road I was seriously jonesin' for some cookies.

Need for sleep outweighed need for cookies however.  I drove straight home and it was immediately nap time for LilyOnTheLam.  

So on Tuesday night after having a lovely dinner with Ms. Wrigleyville, I couldn't just drive home when I was steps away from The Fresh Market grocery store.  

Nooooo .... I needed to buy some BROWNIE PILLOW COOKIES.  

Well karma smacked me in the face for wanting some sweet, sweet, brownie inside a cookie, sugar cookies.  

While I was in the grocery store, a four car accident happened down the road.  So by the time I was driving home, I was at a dead stop in traffic.  I drove three blocks in 45 minutes.  I was getting road rage!  

I had an evening conference call scheduled with my China team member and I just watched the clock slowly tick by.  Luckily some cops started directing traffic and I off-roaded over a median (probably not a good idea in a low convertible!).  I made it home right before my conference call started.  Success!  

I paid a high price for wanting cookies!  (And between you and me, they weren't as good as I remembered!  I still ate some anyway!)

The lesson to be learned here is "stay away from cookies!"  If being stuck in traffic for want of cookies did not teach me this lesson, this following horrific tale will.

I was shopping at Whole Foods grocery store for ingredients for a cooking contest/Bourbon party.  (Did I happen to mention I won second place?)  I loaded up my cart with all the fancy ingredients but then I spotted something surprising on the shelf ...

Lemon Broccoli cookies.  

What the what?  

Bitsy's Brainfood Lemon Broccoli Smart Cookies.  

Um, they don't sound so smart to me.  

Lemon BROCCOLI cookies?  I like lemon.  I like broccoli.  I like cookies.  I like lemon cookies.  I like lemon and broccoli.  But Lemon Broccoli Cookies?    

Next to these cookies were Orange Chocolate Beet "Smart" cookies.

And then Zucchini Gingerbread Carrot Smart Cookies.

I don't know what you're thinking, but I am thinking about a TASTE OFF COOKIE COMPETITION.  Tell Bitsy my brain is thinking a taste test is needed!

One particularly rough day at work, I decided to alleviate my stress with the smart cookie taste test.  I whipped out the lemon broccoli cookies first.  Might as well go big or go home.  Time to taste the scariest sounding one.  

The lemon broccoli cookies were beige-gray-brownish sadness in alphabet shapes.  I wanted to spell out "U-G-H."

I put one piece in my mouth and cried out "WHY GOD, WHY?" 

I seriously thought I had accidentally put a cat treat in my mouth.  It was dry.  It was mealy.  And it tasted like hell.  

The first bite was very lemony.  The after taste was pure dirt and broccoli.  If misery and shame had a flavor, this would be it.  I threw out the rest of the small bag.  I wouldn't wish these cookies on my worst frenemy.

I really didn't know if I could finish this three cookie taste test.  That was how bad the first bite of lemon broccoli cookies was ... it zapped my will to live (or even worse, my will to eat!)

I went next to the Orange Chocolate Beet cookies.  These were better but still had the "what the heck is wrong with these cookies?" aftertaste.  If stuck on a desert island with the choice of eating these cookies or sand, I would eat these cookies first.  

I still threw out the rest of the bag.  Blech.

On to cookie #3 - the zucchini gingerbread carrot cookies.  I actually had high hopes for these.  I like zucchini bread.  I like gingerbread.  I like carrot cake.  These are all good flavors.  Certainly cookie #3 had to be the winner, right?

Ohhhh how wrong, wrong, wrong I was.  These didn't taste like zucchini.  These didn't taste like gingerbread.  These didn't taste like carrot.  These tasted like betrayal, anger and insanity.  I wanted to spit them out.  They were not as noxious as the lemon broccoli cookies, but they still made me want to cry.

I'm all about trying to sneak in some health into a snack.  I love a Greek yogurt or cottage cheese based dip versus a fatty sour cream or mayo-laden one.  I like a turkey meatloaf chock full of grated vegetables.  But these darn cookies were hellishness in alphabet form!

So if you're keeping score, full sugar cookies caused me to get stuck in traffic and "smart" cookies made me want to hurl.  

Cookies are evil.  

Better to stick with pie.  

(Or my step-father would say stick with Trader Joe's Cat-shaped Cookies for People.)  

But avoid the cake in a pie crust.

These are the important life lessons I have learned while creating my "Ohhhhhh America" series of blog posts.  

I hope you enjoyed Day Four, there will be three more "Ohhhhhh America posts" for your head-shaking enjoyment this week!

As always, thank you for reading!

Ugh … No …. Pepperidge Farm Milano Melts Boston Creme Pie Cookie Review

Dear LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

For better or worse for my waistline, I am a dessert fan.  I try not to keep sweets in the house because I find that any time is a good time to eat dessert.  As my breakfast the other day was a piece of banana cream pie … I really need to keep away from the sugary delights.

However I was at Publix supermarket the other day and this innocent looking bag of cookies caught my eye …

Boston Cream Pie in a Cookie???  Will wonders never cease?  I had to try this cookie!

I love Mint Milanos so these Milano Melts had to be just as good, right?  Right? 

Wrong.

The "Boston Cream Pie" filling was in a word … noxious.  Extremely artificial tasting and sooooo sugary, they made my teeth hurt.  And this is coming from someone who loves sugar!  

If you liked Oreo's Candy Corn Oreo cookies, you will love these Milano Melts.  But if you're not a fan of highly artificial flavor and insanely sugary tastes, then skip these cookies.

I gave the rest of the bag to a friend - her response "They are too sweet!"

Sorry Pepperidge Farm, I'll stick with your Mint Milanos!

Happy Fourth of July! Now Eat A Cookie!

To my American Readers - Happy Fourth of July!  


To my Non-American Readers, Happy Wednesday!  


I celebrated this great day of Independence by seeing the amazing James Earl Jones and the spectacular John Larroquette (along with the wonderful Candice Bergin, Angela Lansbury and Eric McCormack) in Gore Vidal's The Best Man on Broadway.  It is playing through September 9, 2012 and I highly recommend it.  However if you don't know who Eric McCormack is, PLEASE watch some of his work before you arrive to the show.  (Either "Will and Grace" or his upcoming new show "Perception" on TNT.)  If I had a dollar for every elderly person in the audience who said "Who is this Eric McCormack?", I'd be rolling in dough.  I curbed my urge to jump up and scream "HE'S WILL TRUMAN - HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK?"  But these same geriatrics almost peed themselves over Angela Lansbury.  I love her too though.


After the show, I was craving a burger so I headed over to Five Napkin Burger in Hell's Kitchen, but as usual there was a long wait.  I spotted a cookie and coffee shop next door called Schmackary's.  I walked in and saw the most drool-inspiring cookies I have ever seen.  This was no ordinary cookie shop!  I wanted one of EVERYTHING!  Since it was ridiculously hot outside, I decided to get an ice cream sandwich.  You pick two cookies - either two of the same flavor or two different kinds of cookies and they press real vanilla bean ice cream in-between the cookies.  I love quality vanilla bean ice cream with the black vanilla specks.

I decided to be "patriotic" and went with the Red White 'N Blue Cookie - a seasonal cookie special.  They looked so good that I didn't carefully read the description - it's a soft, tender cookie with dried cherries, blueberries, cranberries and white chocolate in an oatmeal cookie base.  I am glad I did not read the description carefully because I hate white chocolate, but I LOVE THIS COOKIE.   

I also picked an Oatmeal Scotchie (butterscotch oatmeal) cookie for the other part of my ice cream sandwich.  If you love butterscotch, you have to try this cookie.


Below is my ice cream sandwich - the first picture is the Oatmeal Scotchie.  

The next picture is the Red, White 'N Blue Cookie (my favorite).

Put them together with some quality vanilla ice cream and you have one very happy Lily.

SO DELICIOUS!

Word of Caution:  This cookie ice cream sandwich is a big one, so bring a friend!  I could only eat half, but ohhh what a delicious half!


Schmackary's also has a seasonal Maple Bacon cookie - candied bacon, maple syrup, toffee bits and sea salt.  I didn't have the chutzpah to try a Maple Bacon Cookie ice cream sandwich, but once I tasted how great Schmackary's cookies are I definitely will be back to try the Maple Bacon cookie!


The young man behind the counter was extremely polite and very friendly.  I was overwhelmed by all the good-looking cookies and the young man patiently answered all my questions with a cheery disposition.  I was surprised by the high level of quality customer service.  I'm used to 20-something ennui and "uh yeah, umm whatdya want?" style service from the younger set.  But this younger gentleman was quintessentially quality customer service at its finest.  I thought "Wow, excellent cookies and excellent customer service?  Well done, Schmackary's!"  


It was only when I looked up Schmackary's website to reference in this blog post, that I realized the younger gentleman who made my cookie ice cream sandwich was none other than the owner and founder of Schmackary's, Zachary Schmahl!  Well now I am even more impressed-- I like supporting businesses run by good, friendly, hard-working people ... especially when their product is a line of amazing cookies!


Schmackary's has a regular menu and then seasonal specials ... in flavors such as Red Velvet, Key Lime, Cookies and Cream, Peanut Butter Cup and Chocolate Duet.  Descriptions of these cookies can be found on Schmackary's website.

I have traveled all around the world and seen some of the most beautiful places on Earth.  I am proud to be an American and live in such a wonderful country that has offered me so many opportunities that I might not have had in another country.  I do think that we need to do even more than ever before to encourage in-country business growth and entrepreneurship to keep America strong.  


Support your local businesses - people with a dream, determination and moxie - it is values like these that will keep America moving forward.  I very much enjoyed discovering Schmackary's in Hell's Kitchen, New York City.  It was started in 2011 and already is a popular spot.  Schmackary's cookies are a delicious way to support a local business and young businessman!  If you're in New York City, be sure to check it out.  Your taste buds and stomach will send you a love letter thank you card!


Happy Fourth of July, Everyone!


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