In March of this year, I had the honor and privilege to spend a month in Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia working with local businesses as a business volunteer through my company's service corps program. I had never been to Malaysia and the prospect of living in another country for a month was sending my little brain into a giddy, whirly-gig pandemonium. I basically could have powered the Space Shuttle with my excitement and also trepeditation of what life in Malaysia would be like.
I channeled my anxious excitement through one of my familiar defense mechanisms: SHOPPING. I felt that if I could get together everything I needed for a month in Malaysia, this act of checking items off a list and being fully prepared could perhaps translate and make me feel reassuredly prepared emotionally as well. As Malaysia is a Muslim country, I purchased clothes that were more demure but yet breathable for the hot climate. I purchased large travel sized items of toiletries and prayed that it would somehow all magically be under the very restrictive 20 kilogram luggage weight limit. I kept my fingers crossed that I could jam as much stuff into my carry-on and maybe they wouldn't weigh that.
As this was a business volunteer trip, I wanted to make sure I had some rudimentary office supplies with my laptop. I decided to buy a new flash drive to take along with me. I was on eBay one evening, probably procrastinating from more important chores and I saw a Hello Kitty flash drive. It was freaking adorable. For those of you not acquainted with Hello Kitty, check out Sanrio.com for this delightfully whimsical cartoon cat. I lived in Tai-Tung, Taiwan for a short period when I was a child. That experience has forever imprinted on me a love for Hello Kitty products and bread rolls shaped as animals. (The latter is a story for another time.)
I looked at the Hello Kitty flash drive eBay seller's profile. A vendor in China with many positive reviews. I ordered the flash drive and promptly forgot about it. Weeks later, an air mail package arrived. By then I was in full "Oh my God, I'm leaving for a month in Malaysia" freak-out mode. I threw the package in my suitcase and again, promptly forgot it.
When I arrived in Malaysia, my business volunteer team and I got straight to work. We had project plans to write and deliverables to produce. One month was not enough for all the work we wanted to do for our not-for-profit clients. I grabbed my flash drive. It was so cute. An adorable Hello Kitty, just waiting to help me with my business needs. I took the cap off and it fell apart in my hands. I had been duped. It was not a flash drive at all - some counterfeit designed to separate me from my money. My co-workers stared at the mess of metal parts in my hands and "tsk, tsk"-ed. I was embarassed that I had this piece of garbage in front of my work colleagues. Since I was meeting my team for the first time, I felt like this was the absolute wrong first impression. "Hello, I work for a tech company and can't tell a fake flash drive from a real one. Pleasse disregard me for the remainder of the month, because obviously I'm an idiot."
I ended up buying a new flash drive at the local mall. It was black with silver stripes. It was not cute but it actually worked. I threw away the counterfeit Hello Kitty flash drive. I couldn't bear to look at the cute cat's face because it reminded me that I had been "SWINDLED."
I don't like being duped. I pride myself on my intuition and my ability to spot a con. The little voice inside my head has saved me thousands of times. I grew up very poor with a widowed mother who made sure to instill an almost paranoid fear that the world could not be trusted. It was not that my mother was mentally ill, but she was so scared that when you have almost nothing - to have that little bit taken away from you would mean the end of your entire world. She had to toughen herself and her daughter up to make sure we were always on our guard, ever vigilent and ever protective of the little we had. When you live in a shady apartment project that only requires month-to-month leases, there was always someone around ready to go to any extreme to make ends meet. Anything not nailed down would be stolen. I learned not to walk through the common areas at night. There was always someone desperate to pay the rent, buy drugs or alcohol and I wasn't signing up to become a victim.
My intuition has been sharpened so much so that my ego has gotten wrapped up in it. On the thankfully rare occasion when I am hoodwinked, screwed or cheated, I become tremendously angry. I feel like I should have known better and I question the intuitive skills of which I am normally so proud. No one likes to feel like a sucker, especially me. Throwing the counterfeit Hello Kitty flash drive out was my attempt to erase the evidence of my suckerhood.
A couple weeks ago, I met an amazing, handsome man - with the odd duality of being as sweet and kind as he is freakishly intelligent. Given my inability to trust strangers openly (re-read the part on Mother-instilled issues above if you've forgotten why), I tend to start new relationships - whether romantic or otherwise- off on an overly cautious footing. "Please submit in triplicate the details of where, when and how you are going to hurt/disappoint/shatter me emotionally. Thank you!" I'd like to say that I condemn my suspicious nature, but I cannot. Being wary of new people in my life has saved me emotionally and financially on numerous occasions. I find it difficult to want to be less suspicious because it feels like I would be beckoning malfeasance. (Which by the way, "beckoning malfeasance" would be a great name for a depressed indie rock band.) So I set myself asail with cautious emotional baggage and only with time and experience with someone, do I start throwing the streamer trunks overboard along the journey.
Last week, the new person in my life (a.k.a. "The Bad-Ass Bandit" or "B-Bandit") came over to take me to a movie. A pretty normal activity - nothing Earth-shattering - just a typical Friday night to most. However, he brought me a gift in a pink bag. I was surprised at his thoughtfulness. Not my birthday, not a gift-giving holiday. A "just because" gift. Which to me, is one of the best gifts one can give. I opened the bag cautiously and there was a Sanrio Hello Kitty 2GB USB flash drive staring back at me. B-Bandit did not know about my Hello Kitty flash drive experience in Malaysia. Nor did I tell him about it. He only knew that I love Hello Kitty items. I was shocked staring at the flash drive. On what cosmic level, did fate play a hand in guiding B-Bandit to a Hello Kitty flash drive? I didn't know what to say to him because it was such an amazing coincidence. I stared at the gift for awhile and then just threw myself on him for a hug that was probably too tight of a death-grip squeeze to be a socially acceptable response to a gift.
I feel like many of my past relationships have been like the counterfeit Hello Kitty flash drive - cute on the outside and a pile of crap parts masquerading as love on the inside. To someone who strongly prides herself on being able to outfox those who would dupe her, this cold hard fact of my past is something that burns hotter than I ever care to admit.
I'm not naive enough to think that I'll ever reach a point where I can completely let my guard down in 100% of all situations. Life will continue. Sometimes I will see the trap before I fall in. And other times, I will stumble into a tiger trap of sharp spears and be angry that I didn't see it coming. But for one evening, it was absolutely fantastic to receive a gift from someone who had no idea how truly special the gift was for me. With no knowledge of the back story, B-Bandit righted the previous sour experience and endeared himself to me in a way he could never imagine. If only all bad experiences could be so easily course-corrected.
On this eve before Thanksgiving, I am very grateful for the little acts that mean the world to me. And if they come in cute packages too- well, win-win!
I channeled my anxious excitement through one of my familiar defense mechanisms: SHOPPING. I felt that if I could get together everything I needed for a month in Malaysia, this act of checking items off a list and being fully prepared could perhaps translate and make me feel reassuredly prepared emotionally as well. As Malaysia is a Muslim country, I purchased clothes that were more demure but yet breathable for the hot climate. I purchased large travel sized items of toiletries and prayed that it would somehow all magically be under the very restrictive 20 kilogram luggage weight limit. I kept my fingers crossed that I could jam as much stuff into my carry-on and maybe they wouldn't weigh that.
As this was a business volunteer trip, I wanted to make sure I had some rudimentary office supplies with my laptop. I decided to buy a new flash drive to take along with me. I was on eBay one evening, probably procrastinating from more important chores and I saw a Hello Kitty flash drive. It was freaking adorable. For those of you not acquainted with Hello Kitty, check out Sanrio.com for this delightfully whimsical cartoon cat. I lived in Tai-Tung, Taiwan for a short period when I was a child. That experience has forever imprinted on me a love for Hello Kitty products and bread rolls shaped as animals. (The latter is a story for another time.)
I looked at the Hello Kitty flash drive eBay seller's profile. A vendor in China with many positive reviews. I ordered the flash drive and promptly forgot about it. Weeks later, an air mail package arrived. By then I was in full "Oh my God, I'm leaving for a month in Malaysia" freak-out mode. I threw the package in my suitcase and again, promptly forgot it.
When I arrived in Malaysia, my business volunteer team and I got straight to work. We had project plans to write and deliverables to produce. One month was not enough for all the work we wanted to do for our not-for-profit clients. I grabbed my flash drive. It was so cute. An adorable Hello Kitty, just waiting to help me with my business needs. I took the cap off and it fell apart in my hands. I had been duped. It was not a flash drive at all - some counterfeit designed to separate me from my money. My co-workers stared at the mess of metal parts in my hands and "tsk, tsk"-ed. I was embarassed that I had this piece of garbage in front of my work colleagues. Since I was meeting my team for the first time, I felt like this was the absolute wrong first impression. "Hello, I work for a tech company and can't tell a fake flash drive from a real one. Pleasse disregard me for the remainder of the month, because obviously I'm an idiot."
I ended up buying a new flash drive at the local mall. It was black with silver stripes. It was not cute but it actually worked. I threw away the counterfeit Hello Kitty flash drive. I couldn't bear to look at the cute cat's face because it reminded me that I had been "SWINDLED."
I don't like being duped. I pride myself on my intuition and my ability to spot a con. The little voice inside my head has saved me thousands of times. I grew up very poor with a widowed mother who made sure to instill an almost paranoid fear that the world could not be trusted. It was not that my mother was mentally ill, but she was so scared that when you have almost nothing - to have that little bit taken away from you would mean the end of your entire world. She had to toughen herself and her daughter up to make sure we were always on our guard, ever vigilent and ever protective of the little we had. When you live in a shady apartment project that only requires month-to-month leases, there was always someone around ready to go to any extreme to make ends meet. Anything not nailed down would be stolen. I learned not to walk through the common areas at night. There was always someone desperate to pay the rent, buy drugs or alcohol and I wasn't signing up to become a victim.
My intuition has been sharpened so much so that my ego has gotten wrapped up in it. On the thankfully rare occasion when I am hoodwinked, screwed or cheated, I become tremendously angry. I feel like I should have known better and I question the intuitive skills of which I am normally so proud. No one likes to feel like a sucker, especially me. Throwing the counterfeit Hello Kitty flash drive out was my attempt to erase the evidence of my suckerhood.
A couple weeks ago, I met an amazing, handsome man - with the odd duality of being as sweet and kind as he is freakishly intelligent. Given my inability to trust strangers openly (re-read the part on Mother-instilled issues above if you've forgotten why), I tend to start new relationships - whether romantic or otherwise- off on an overly cautious footing. "Please submit in triplicate the details of where, when and how you are going to hurt/disappoint/shatter me emotionally. Thank you!" I'd like to say that I condemn my suspicious nature, but I cannot. Being wary of new people in my life has saved me emotionally and financially on numerous occasions. I find it difficult to want to be less suspicious because it feels like I would be beckoning malfeasance. (Which by the way, "beckoning malfeasance" would be a great name for a depressed indie rock band.) So I set myself asail with cautious emotional baggage and only with time and experience with someone, do I start throwing the streamer trunks overboard along the journey.
Last week, the new person in my life (a.k.a. "The Bad-Ass Bandit" or "B-Bandit") came over to take me to a movie. A pretty normal activity - nothing Earth-shattering - just a typical Friday night to most. However, he brought me a gift in a pink bag. I was surprised at his thoughtfulness. Not my birthday, not a gift-giving holiday. A "just because" gift. Which to me, is one of the best gifts one can give. I opened the bag cautiously and there was a Sanrio Hello Kitty 2GB USB flash drive staring back at me. B-Bandit did not know about my Hello Kitty flash drive experience in Malaysia. Nor did I tell him about it. He only knew that I love Hello Kitty items. I was shocked staring at the flash drive. On what cosmic level, did fate play a hand in guiding B-Bandit to a Hello Kitty flash drive? I didn't know what to say to him because it was such an amazing coincidence. I stared at the gift for awhile and then just threw myself on him for a hug that was probably too tight of a death-grip squeeze to be a socially acceptable response to a gift.
I feel like many of my past relationships have been like the counterfeit Hello Kitty flash drive - cute on the outside and a pile of crap parts masquerading as love on the inside. To someone who strongly prides herself on being able to outfox those who would dupe her, this cold hard fact of my past is something that burns hotter than I ever care to admit.
I'm not naive enough to think that I'll ever reach a point where I can completely let my guard down in 100% of all situations. Life will continue. Sometimes I will see the trap before I fall in. And other times, I will stumble into a tiger trap of sharp spears and be angry that I didn't see it coming. But for one evening, it was absolutely fantastic to receive a gift from someone who had no idea how truly special the gift was for me. With no knowledge of the back story, B-Bandit righted the previous sour experience and endeared himself to me in a way he could never imagine. If only all bad experiences could be so easily course-corrected.
On this eve before Thanksgiving, I am very grateful for the little acts that mean the world to me. And if they come in cute packages too- well, win-win!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Lily On The Lam wants to hear from you ... Seriously, she does ...