Some people are good at math. Some people are good at singing and dancing. I, myself, am talented in the art of seduction. If you are a regular reader of my blog (and you should be!), you'll know that I enjoy the company of renegade men. I decided to say "adios" to wicked paramour Sergio when he went from occasionally childish to full-time wickedly immature. Here's an excerpt from my final goodbye to him:
Whiny Sergio: "You don't understand me. I'm like Charlie Harper on `Two and a Half Men.'"
Fantastic Lily: "Sergio, they killed the Charlie Harper character off this season. Maybe if you'd pay your electric and cable bills, you would know that."
I can't fault Sergio too much. If I had a mountain of debt all in final judgment crashing down on my head, I guess I'd be running off to Denial Junction for a long vacation too. Look at me, I'm Peter Pan! But I like to fancy myself an adult and I can't sugarcoat myself into a vapid bubble like Sergio is trying so hard to do. God speed Sergio!
The next stop on my dating train was a gentleman I'll call "Baby Huey" - by the nickname you may have guessed that it did not go well. But that's a story for another time - we're talking about seduction here.
I was about to throw in the towel when an utterly charming man stumbled upon me. When I met him, my eyes bugged out and my brain screamed "YOWZA!" Sexy, rugged, amazing, ferociously smart and accomplished ... I was smitten in two seconds flat. Why two seconds? That's the amount of time it took my brain to stop screaming "YOWZA!" and actually process a different thought!
This amazing, amazing man shall be known as "The Badass Bandit." Or B-Bandit, if profanity is not your thing. (And seriously, if profanity is not your thing - maybe LilyOnTheLam.com is not your thing either. I'm a smutty sailor!)
Since I am a master at the art of seduction, I turned my red-hot radar at B-Bandit. I'm on safari. This is big game territory and I'm ready!
Now for those of you who need some tips on how to seduce, let me tell you my patented method ... you can send me a check for $499.99 later.
Step One: I announce to the sexy man: "I am single, over 30 ... and have cats."
Basically if you say Step One correctly, you don't really need a Step Two. This one line will have any man eating out of your palm. It is so simple and yet so effective. I think that's the real beauty of it - zen-like in its simplicity. It's like some Buddhist chant. Gets 'em every time.
Now 98% of the time, Step One works ... but every now and again, you gotta bust out the heavy artillery. B-Bandit was some world-class game and I knew I needed to pull out the elephant gun to bring this hottie down and mount him on my wall.
I moved from Step One to the top secret Step Two. What's Step Two, you ask? OK send me a check for $100,000 later ...
Step Two: I smile coyly and then announce to the sexy man: "I have a Hello Kitty waffle maker. It makes waffles. In the shape of cat heads. CAT HEADS. Waffles. Cat heads. Yep."
Mature, educated, accomplished men over 30 cannot resist hearing about a single woman over 30 with a Sanrio Hello Kitty obsession. It is like catnip to my condo full of cats.
It's really almost unfair to pull out a line like Step Two. Poor B-Bandit and any other man who hears this lyrical seductive poetry are absolutely powerless against the allure.
Oh yes, I had B-Bandit just where I wanted him. He could tell that I was a sophisticated woman of the world who meant business and he wanted a piece of that. Game on!
Yes, game on until ... I got ... Lizard Blocked.
Have you heard of c*ck-blocking? Yeah, I got freaking blocked by a reptile!
As you can tell from Step One and Step Two described above, B-Bandit saw me as an intelligent, sexy, adorable woman- basically on the same level as your top global supermodels. OK honestly? Even better than those hags! B-Bandit was under my spell and ripe for the picking.
What "The Badass Bandit" didn't know was that I have a secret.
Cue soap opera music here ...
Yes, a terrible secret.
I have a fear of baby albino geckos.
Yes, there - I said it - and I'm not ashamed. My name is Lily and I am afraid of baby albino geckos.
And the little f*ckers know it too!
A couple weeks ago, I was driving my car - which may or may not be a Bentley Convertible (OK may not!) - and I screamed in horror as I was driving 30 miles per hour to see that sitting menacingly on my window was a gecko. He took one look at me as to say "Yeah biatch, I'm riding on your car - wut ya gonna do bout it?"
Don't believe me? I snapped some pictures while screaming and driving ...
This gecko rode on my hood for MILES before climbing underneath my hood, sending me screaming even louder. This gecko, plain and simple, wanted to kill me. I suspect he is a robot gecko from the future. How else can you explain him just chillaxing on my hood like it's a day in the park even when I sped up to 45 miles per hour?
Please don't call PETA on me!
I still shudder at that menacing grin and those beady eyes - taunting me! A decade's worth of therapy is not going to help me!
So back to my tale of B-Bandit and the Lizard Blocking ... I had this sexy man right where I wanted him - seduced. But then a baby albino gecko somehow got into my house and was running all around - reducing me to a screaming, whimpering mess as I kept pointing at the gecko to my cats and whispering through clenched teeth: 'KILL! KILL!" My cats looked at me puzzled - wondering why the hell I was hopping up and down on my tip toes and pointing at the wall while foaming at the mouth.
I went to grab a cup to put over the baby albino gecko - with its beady eyes and translucent skin and thump, thump, thumping heart - but the gecko looked at me with a "Not so fast, biatch" and went running into my guest bedroom. I was getting ready to go to the gym before I spotted the baby albino gecko, I grabbed my shoes and ran out the door. I screamed back to the cats "TAKE CARE OF THIS BEFORE I COME HOME!"
In my hyper neurotic state, I told B-Bandit about my close brush with death. Why? Oh why, did I do that? I had put in so much time and effort seducing B-Bandit. I mean first there was step one ... and then there was step two... that's a lot of work, man! And I threw it all away by confessing that I was batsh*t crazy when it comes to baby albino geckos.
Here's a tip - nothing breaks the foggy hold of seduction like a grown woman whimpering about a baby albino gecko. I am going to have to devise a step three - because my big game safari may be coming to an end if I can't find a better arsenal!
I was LIZARD BLOCKED.
Why do geckos want to hurt me? Why do geckos want to ruin my love/sex/lust life? Why?
Why?
Because they can.
It's a cold hard truth that I must face. Geckos are out to get me and their souvenir trophy is going to be my lack of a love life!
When I returned home from the gym - an extra long session to give the cats more time to get that baby gecko - I did not see the baby gecko anywhere.
But I could still feel his presence - somewhere out there in the dark - mocking me.
What if he was nestled up in my California King-sized bed, just waiting for me to get into bed?
What if he wanted to spoon?
ARGH!!!
I may never sleep again.
B-Bandit told me he'd come catch the lizard for me. Perhaps the baby gecko wasn't 100% effective in lizard blocking me after all ... could B-Bandit still be entranced by my two step seduction method?
Only time will tell ... Stay tuned!
Whiny Sergio: "You don't understand me. I'm like Charlie Harper on `Two and a Half Men.'"
Fantastic Lily: "Sergio, they killed the Charlie Harper character off this season. Maybe if you'd pay your electric and cable bills, you would know that."
I can't fault Sergio too much. If I had a mountain of debt all in final judgment crashing down on my head, I guess I'd be running off to Denial Junction for a long vacation too. Look at me, I'm Peter Pan! But I like to fancy myself an adult and I can't sugarcoat myself into a vapid bubble like Sergio is trying so hard to do. God speed Sergio!
The next stop on my dating train was a gentleman I'll call "Baby Huey" - by the nickname you may have guessed that it did not go well. But that's a story for another time - we're talking about seduction here.
I was about to throw in the towel when an utterly charming man stumbled upon me. When I met him, my eyes bugged out and my brain screamed "YOWZA!" Sexy, rugged, amazing, ferociously smart and accomplished ... I was smitten in two seconds flat. Why two seconds? That's the amount of time it took my brain to stop screaming "YOWZA!" and actually process a different thought!
This amazing, amazing man shall be known as "The Badass Bandit." Or B-Bandit, if profanity is not your thing. (And seriously, if profanity is not your thing - maybe LilyOnTheLam.com is not your thing either. I'm a smutty sailor!)
Since I am a master at the art of seduction, I turned my red-hot radar at B-Bandit. I'm on safari. This is big game territory and I'm ready!
Now for those of you who need some tips on how to seduce, let me tell you my patented method ... you can send me a check for $499.99 later.
Step One: I announce to the sexy man: "I am single, over 30 ... and have cats."
Basically if you say Step One correctly, you don't really need a Step Two. This one line will have any man eating out of your palm. It is so simple and yet so effective. I think that's the real beauty of it - zen-like in its simplicity. It's like some Buddhist chant. Gets 'em every time.
Now 98% of the time, Step One works ... but every now and again, you gotta bust out the heavy artillery. B-Bandit was some world-class game and I knew I needed to pull out the elephant gun to bring this hottie down and mount him on my wall.
I moved from Step One to the top secret Step Two. What's Step Two, you ask? OK send me a check for $100,000 later ...
Step Two: I smile coyly and then announce to the sexy man: "I have a Hello Kitty waffle maker. It makes waffles. In the shape of cat heads. CAT HEADS. Waffles. Cat heads. Yep."
Mature, educated, accomplished men over 30 cannot resist hearing about a single woman over 30 with a Sanrio Hello Kitty obsession. It is like catnip to my condo full of cats.
It's really almost unfair to pull out a line like Step Two. Poor B-Bandit and any other man who hears this lyrical seductive poetry are absolutely powerless against the allure.
Oh yes, I had B-Bandit just where I wanted him. He could tell that I was a sophisticated woman of the world who meant business and he wanted a piece of that. Game on!
Yes, game on until ... I got ... Lizard Blocked.
Have you heard of c*ck-blocking? Yeah, I got freaking blocked by a reptile!
As you can tell from Step One and Step Two described above, B-Bandit saw me as an intelligent, sexy, adorable woman- basically on the same level as your top global supermodels. OK honestly? Even better than those hags! B-Bandit was under my spell and ripe for the picking.
What "The Badass Bandit" didn't know was that I have a secret.
Cue soap opera music here ...
Yes, a terrible secret.
I have a fear of baby albino geckos.
Yes, there - I said it - and I'm not ashamed. My name is Lily and I am afraid of baby albino geckos.
And the little f*ckers know it too!
A couple weeks ago, I was driving my car - which may or may not be a Bentley Convertible (OK may not!) - and I screamed in horror as I was driving 30 miles per hour to see that sitting menacingly on my window was a gecko. He took one look at me as to say "Yeah biatch, I'm riding on your car - wut ya gonna do bout it?"
Don't believe me? I snapped some pictures while screaming and driving ...
Oh the horror, the horror!
This gecko rode on my hood for MILES before climbing underneath my hood, sending me screaming even louder. This gecko, plain and simple, wanted to kill me. I suspect he is a robot gecko from the future. How else can you explain him just chillaxing on my hood like it's a day in the park even when I sped up to 45 miles per hour?
Please don't call PETA on me!
I still shudder at that menacing grin and those beady eyes - taunting me! A decade's worth of therapy is not going to help me!
So back to my tale of B-Bandit and the Lizard Blocking ... I had this sexy man right where I wanted him - seduced. But then a baby albino gecko somehow got into my house and was running all around - reducing me to a screaming, whimpering mess as I kept pointing at the gecko to my cats and whispering through clenched teeth: 'KILL! KILL!" My cats looked at me puzzled - wondering why the hell I was hopping up and down on my tip toes and pointing at the wall while foaming at the mouth.
I went to grab a cup to put over the baby albino gecko - with its beady eyes and translucent skin and thump, thump, thumping heart - but the gecko looked at me with a "Not so fast, biatch" and went running into my guest bedroom. I was getting ready to go to the gym before I spotted the baby albino gecko, I grabbed my shoes and ran out the door. I screamed back to the cats "TAKE CARE OF THIS BEFORE I COME HOME!"
In my hyper neurotic state, I told B-Bandit about my close brush with death. Why? Oh why, did I do that? I had put in so much time and effort seducing B-Bandit. I mean first there was step one ... and then there was step two... that's a lot of work, man! And I threw it all away by confessing that I was batsh*t crazy when it comes to baby albino geckos.
Here's a tip - nothing breaks the foggy hold of seduction like a grown woman whimpering about a baby albino gecko. I am going to have to devise a step three - because my big game safari may be coming to an end if I can't find a better arsenal!
I was LIZARD BLOCKED.
Why do geckos want to hurt me? Why do geckos want to ruin my love/sex/lust life? Why?
Why?
Because they can.
It's a cold hard truth that I must face. Geckos are out to get me and their souvenir trophy is going to be my lack of a love life!
When I returned home from the gym - an extra long session to give the cats more time to get that baby gecko - I did not see the baby gecko anywhere.
But I could still feel his presence - somewhere out there in the dark - mocking me.
What if he was nestled up in my California King-sized bed, just waiting for me to get into bed?
What if he wanted to spoon?
ARGH!!!
I may never sleep again.
B-Bandit told me he'd come catch the lizard for me. Perhaps the baby gecko wasn't 100% effective in lizard blocking me after all ... could B-Bandit still be entranced by my two step seduction method?
Only time will tell ... Stay tuned!
Oh god, I'm laughing so much I nearly choked on my coffee - not good first thing in the morning. But Im not laughing at your fear of geckos, that would be wrong, you have my sympathy. Geckos are seriously terrifying and....mhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
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