Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:
I read an interesting article entitled "75 Nice Things People Say To Shut Up Your Feelings." I'd argue that not everything on the list of seventy-five is actually "nice" but it makes for a catchy title - or at least it caught my eye.
I recently was trying to express how I was feeling disappointed and upset and the person I was talking to kept telling me my comments were illogical. (Um yeah, as if that will somehow change the way I feel?!) I read the article afterward and started ticking off all the statements that were made during the course of the conversation ... #27, 43, 51, a variation of 52. The person I was talking with was - consciously or unconsciously - on overdrive to negate and/or minimize my feelings.
In grad school, I spent a lot of time reading about and discussing the notion of "intent" as it relates to Criminal Law. For example, the difference between first degree murder and manslaughter in the eyes of the law (in the United States) revolves around a type of intention called "malice aforethought." Which by the way, if I ever decide to become a drag queen, Malice Aforethought would TOTALLY be my drag name.
Other than a kick ass drag queen name, malice aforethought means a conscious intent to cause death or grave bodily harm. I find that when people are trying to justify causing hurt feelings, the notion of intent usually comes into play as some sort of excuse. One "Classic Lilyism" - a catchphrase I use when talking about emotions and feelings - is "If I run you over with my car, but didn't intend/mean to do it - do you hurt less?"
I have a huge pet peeve when someone tries to negate what I am feeling by playing the "intent" card. Suddenly I am pushed from a position of expressing my feelings to having to defend how I feel. If someone didn't intend to hurt me, suddenly I have to explain why I still am hurt "sans intent." When I am forced into conversations such as this, I visualize if I were laying under a car bleeding and having to defend why I am hurt! "Just because you think my bleeding is illogical, doesn't mean I am not bleeding!"
The Tony Gaskins' quote "You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce" comes to mind as well when I feel someone is minimizing how I am feeling.
I think it can be difficult to have a conversation about feelings because it can be easy to listen from a place of ego or defensiveness instead of empathy. Here is an interesting article called "Getting Defensive: Get Over Yourself" which talks about getting rid of the ego when listening.
In my new job, I spend a good part of my day feeling stupid as I am learning one billion and one new things. I hate feeling stupid. I wish I could just open a box and know it all. I know there is joy in learning and surprising yourself blah blah blah, but I really hate the struggle. Lucky for me, each day I find I am learning more and more and I look forward to the day (please be soon!) where I go an entire work day without feeling stupid.
But until then when I find myself getting stressed, overwhelmed and feeling completely "stupid," I say to myself "Let go of your ego. Embrace the discomfort." It is a mental reminder that if I set aside my ego about feeling like I should know everything RIGHT NOW ... or having a bruised ego because I don't know everything RIGHT NOW.
If I set my ego aside and stop thinking about what I think I should know or how much I still don't know; I am trying to focus on the moment, understand what is behind my feelings of being overwhelmed and then work through it without letting the emotion or fear of it sweep me away. Sometimes it works to calm me down, sometimes it does not.
I wanted to insert a good quote about the benefit of trying and never giving up, but when I did a Google images search for "always try" - one of the images that came up was a sandwich with the description "Grilled Pepperjack cheese sandwich with apple slices, avocado and spinach."
So while I wanted to say you (and I) should always try - I guess Google Images would like to amend that to "You should always try ... different types of grilled cheese sandwiches." At the very least your stomach will be happy ... unless you're lactose intolerant. And if so, then perhaps Google Images is sadistic.
This blog post has taken a cheesy turn (get it? Cheesy - ha ha!) I guess in conclusion, if I were giving advice I would say:
1) Listen with empathy not ego - do not try to shut up someone's feelings (or negate them or minimize them or pooh-poohing all over them) when they are trying to express how they feel
2) Whether someone intends to hurt you or not, doesn't necessarily evaporate or mitigate the hurt.
3) Always try ... whether it is to be a better listener, more empathetic person, a better you or just trying a new grilled cheese recipe ...
I read an interesting article entitled "75 Nice Things People Say To Shut Up Your Feelings." I'd argue that not everything on the list of seventy-five is actually "nice" but it makes for a catchy title - or at least it caught my eye.
I recently was trying to express how I was feeling disappointed and upset and the person I was talking to kept telling me my comments were illogical. (Um yeah, as if that will somehow change the way I feel?!) I read the article afterward and started ticking off all the statements that were made during the course of the conversation ... #27, 43, 51, a variation of 52. The person I was talking with was - consciously or unconsciously - on overdrive to negate and/or minimize my feelings.
In grad school, I spent a lot of time reading about and discussing the notion of "intent" as it relates to Criminal Law. For example, the difference between first degree murder and manslaughter in the eyes of the law (in the United States) revolves around a type of intention called "malice aforethought." Which by the way, if I ever decide to become a drag queen, Malice Aforethought would TOTALLY be my drag name.
Other than a kick ass drag queen name, malice aforethought means a conscious intent to cause death or grave bodily harm. I find that when people are trying to justify causing hurt feelings, the notion of intent usually comes into play as some sort of excuse. One "Classic Lilyism" - a catchphrase I use when talking about emotions and feelings - is "If I run you over with my car, but didn't intend/mean to do it - do you hurt less?"
I have a huge pet peeve when someone tries to negate what I am feeling by playing the "intent" card. Suddenly I am pushed from a position of expressing my feelings to having to defend how I feel. If someone didn't intend to hurt me, suddenly I have to explain why I still am hurt "sans intent." When I am forced into conversations such as this, I visualize if I were laying under a car bleeding and having to defend why I am hurt! "Just because you think my bleeding is illogical, doesn't mean I am not bleeding!"
The Tony Gaskins' quote "You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce" comes to mind as well when I feel someone is minimizing how I am feeling.
I think it can be difficult to have a conversation about feelings because it can be easy to listen from a place of ego or defensiveness instead of empathy. Here is an interesting article called "Getting Defensive: Get Over Yourself" which talks about getting rid of the ego when listening.
In my new job, I spend a good part of my day feeling stupid as I am learning one billion and one new things. I hate feeling stupid. I wish I could just open a box and know it all. I know there is joy in learning and surprising yourself blah blah blah, but I really hate the struggle. Lucky for me, each day I find I am learning more and more and I look forward to the day (please be soon!) where I go an entire work day without feeling stupid.
But until then when I find myself getting stressed, overwhelmed and feeling completely "stupid," I say to myself "Let go of your ego. Embrace the discomfort." It is a mental reminder that if I set aside my ego about feeling like I should know everything RIGHT NOW ... or having a bruised ego because I don't know everything RIGHT NOW.
If I set my ego aside and stop thinking about what I think I should know or how much I still don't know; I am trying to focus on the moment, understand what is behind my feelings of being overwhelmed and then work through it without letting the emotion or fear of it sweep me away. Sometimes it works to calm me down, sometimes it does not.
I wanted to insert a good quote about the benefit of trying and never giving up, but when I did a Google images search for "always try" - one of the images that came up was a sandwich with the description "Grilled Pepperjack cheese sandwich with apple slices, avocado and spinach."
So while I wanted to say you (and I) should always try - I guess Google Images would like to amend that to "You should always try ... different types of grilled cheese sandwiches." At the very least your stomach will be happy ... unless you're lactose intolerant. And if so, then perhaps Google Images is sadistic.
This blog post has taken a cheesy turn (get it? Cheesy - ha ha!) I guess in conclusion, if I were giving advice I would say:
1) Listen with empathy not ego - do not try to shut up someone's feelings (or negate them or minimize them or pooh-poohing all over them) when they are trying to express how they feel
2) Whether someone intends to hurt you or not, doesn't necessarily evaporate or mitigate the hurt.
3) Always try ... whether it is to be a better listener, more empathetic person, a better you or just trying a new grilled cheese recipe ...
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