Every Single Moment

Happy Tuesday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!  

It's only Tuesday and this week is already kicking my arse.  Monday started at 5:30 a.m. with conference calls until 6 p.m. and then 8 p.m. - 10 p.m.  Only to turn around and start my day at 5:15 a.m. today with more calls.  Seriously people, just because there are 24 hours in a day does not mean I need to be doing conference calls every minute of every hour of said day!

However maybe it's the lack of sleep talking (OK most likely it is the lack of sleep talking), but I have felt such joy lately.  

There have been several events that could be seen as discouraging but yet each day I manage to get back up again (at an ungodly hour), stare my challenges in the face and say "Bring it!"  

In my new job it is like learning surgery in German (a metaphor I keep using over and over again) ... and here's a secret between you and me ... I absolutely, positively HATE feeling stupid.  I derive a great deal of my confidence and "perceived power" in being smart, capable and dependable.  So to be put in a situation where everything is new, strange and hard to comprehend, it is like mental warfare on the highest level.  

However I am like a rubber band, you can only hold me down so long before I snap back and jump up higher.   (Please, no one look up the symptoms for manic depression - PUH-LEASE, PUH-LEASE!)  

So I am trying to "roll with it" - to embrace my lack of knowledge and applaud the slowly more frequent moments when I am truly getting and understanding "it."

And I am trying to see the situations I am being thrown into as challenges to grab onto and opportunities to shine versus a less positive attitude of "Stop throwing work on me when I am already drowning!"

Attitude for me is like setting your on-board NAV system and pointing your car in the correct direction ... the road might be bumpy, but at least you're starting off on the right foot ... or wheel ... or rickshaw?  

When I recently saw Mary Lambert in concert, I snapped the following picture with my iPhone ...

     
It's a blurry picture and there's a hand in the middle of it ... but if I were going to title this picture I would name it "Joy."  

I actually think in this particular moment Mary Lambert was laughing because the offstage fan kept blowing wisps of hair into her mouth as she tried to sing; but when I look at the picture all I see is JOY.  

No self-consciousness.  No annoyance with the drunken patrons at the back of the club talking much too loudly for a concert where a woman sings about crying on Sundays.  No fear.  No living in the past.  No waiting for tomorrow.  Just a pure expression of happiness and joy in the current moment.  Present.  Focused.  Laughing.  Experiencing.

Joy.

When I look at this picture, I also think of the Omar Khayyam quote: "Be happy for this moment.  This moment is your life."

I am doing some very heavy lifting in my new job - spiritually, emotionally and it's oh so physically tiring.  But it also reminds me how strong I am, how determined, how focused and how resilient.  As Eleanor Roosevelt said "A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water."

Every day I feel pressured, stressed and challenged.  But also every day, I stop and take a moment to feel grateful for the opportunities that have literally fallen at my feet like rose petals.  

I didn't ask to take this new role, but I know many people who would have killed to have had my promotion.  

I don't enjoy feeling dumb and out of the loop, but I appreciate the opportunity to learn and grow.  

I really really wish I could sleep in again as I once used to ... starting my day during "Farmers' Hours" is a hard adjustment.  

But I am proud that I keep doing it day after day, trying to stay positive and focused.

And knowing that these challenges cannot, will not, defeat me; brings me great joy and pride in myself.  Laughing at adversity and rising above it is what helps me feel true joy in every single moment.

And this moment is my life.     

Be The Best Gift Giver EVER!

Happy Monday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

Woof - another weekend just slipped right through my fingers!  Where did it go?  I swear I step in to some time acceleration portal every Friday afternoon and whisk myself immediately into Monday morning!  

Does someone have a screwdriver because I need to disassemble this machine!

Before you go about your Monday, make sure you read my blog post from yesterday about my amazing birthday cake ... it is sheer perfection and I demand that you "ooooh and aaaahhhh" over it!

OK now that you're back, let's get down to business!  

One of the questions I get repeatedly from LilyOnTheLam.com readers is:  "Lily, how can I be as fabulous as you?"

When I receive this question, I put down my make up brush on my 1940's vanity and I give the questioner a cold, hard stare.  

I then use the same tone that Bette Davis had in "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?" when she said to Joan Crawford's character "Blanche, you aren't ever gonna sell this house ... and you aren't ever gonna leave it ... either."  

I say to the questioner in mimicking tone:  "YOU AREN'T EVER GONNA BE AS FABULOUS AS ME ... AND YOU CAN'T TAKE MY CATS FOR WALKS EVER ... EITHER!" 

At some point after this conversation, some men in white lab coats come in and give me a shot of something and then everything goes hazy for awhile ... 

So you see dear reader, you can NEVER be as fabulous as me ... but YOU CAN TRY!  

To be more like LilyOnTheLam, you have to be a good gift giver.  

Now sadly if you are truly like LilyOnTheLam, you may also give gifts to people who do not deserve it ... but frankly I think that it is better to be open to the universe and occasionally get burned than to be closed off to the universe and "safe" in a cocoon.  

(Of course I don't react all uber-zen magnanimous like that when someone burns me, but I am trying!  I am trying!)

I recently found the world's most perfect gift on Etsy.com.  I wish I had some talent to create things, because I would love to sell my wares on Etsy and have the whole world barking for a piece of LilyOnTheLam and ringing up their credit cards.  MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!

But until the market for 8x10 glossies of me making duck faces opens up, I will still spend my "free time" writing my inane thoughts in this blog and waiting to win the lotto.  Which I must admit will be quite a feat to accomplish seeing that I almost never purchase lottery tickets.  

Perhaps my knight in shining armor will arrive on a white horse with a winning lotto ticket in hand.  But most likely I'll say "Wait a minute honey, I gotta see how this episode of "Hot Wives of Orlando" on Hulu.com ends" and he'll gallop off, disgusted.  Not exactly the fairy tale ending!

But back to the world's best present and me, as the world's best gift giver EVER ...  When I was a kid, I had a photographic memory.  I remember doing pop quizzes in 9th grade French class and I could see the vocabulary words from my textbook in my head.  I could even tell you the page number the vocab words were on.

Sadly, I have found that years of multi-tasking for my giant corporate behemoth of an employer who I affectionately refer to as "International House of Cheese," has robbed me of most of my memory.  Seriously, I'm lucky if I remember my own name at this rate!  My brain is Swiss cheese trying to do 900 things at once every moment of every day I work for the giant corporation.  

But yet somehow I still have a good memory for trivial details and file them away for use at a later date.

Like the minor detail (OK well not minor to her) of knowing that Ms. Kentucky LOOOOOOVES the artist known as Prince (a.k.a. Prince Rogers Nelson).  

Growing up in Minneapolis, I have a fond geographic solidarity with Mr. Purple Rain.  However Ms. Kentucky loooooooooooves loooooooooooooves looooooooooooves him.  In a deep and personal way.  And I respect this about her.  

Plus Ms. Kentucky's Prince fandom also made her a guaranteed "YES" RSVP when Morris Day and The Time came to town.  I find that in life, one needs to have a person they can count on when late 1980's rockers come to town.  Someone you can tell your deepest, darkest secrets to ... while people dance around you in spandex.  

I whispered to Ms. Kentucky that in my youth, I always wanted to be Jerome.  

(Who's Jerome, you say?  Get yourself a copy of the movie Purple Rain and a large mirror right now!  I'm not going to answer that crazy question ... some things you have to learn on your own, Grasshopper!)

When trying to emulate LilyOnTheLam, you not only have to be the world's best gift giver ... you have to be like Jerome Benton - the "original Jerome" of Morris Day and The Time too.

Ms. Kentucky and I went to dinner at Rumba Island Bar and Grill in Oldsmar, Florida.  We had an ADORABLE waiter named Tim who told us that after work he was going home, cracking open a bottle of Wild Turkey, a PBR (that's Pabst Blue Ribbon to those of you who did not grow up in the Midwest and/or are not ironic hipsters) and then he was going to watch "House of Cards."  

Be still my heart.  I am in love with Tim the Waiter.

As Tim packed up our leftovers, he wrote the date on the box.  I leaned over and said "If you're going to draw something on the to-go box, I would like a unicorn farting rainbows."  (I am a KLASSY BROAD.)

Tim first looked surprised and then had a "Challenge accepted!" look on his face as he dashed off.  He returned to the table with this ...

I don't know if the unicorn is actually farting the rainbow but I love it nevertheless.

Seriously, I am IN LOVE.  

If you work as a restaurant server, make sure you have good drawing skills because art like this gets good tips!  

A table of five people next to us were VERY ENVIOUS of my beautiful artwork.  I heard them whispering what I assumed to be plans for a grand heist of my newly acquired to-go box portraiture.  

I turned to them, shook my finger rapidly in a threatening gesture and hissed "Don't be getting any ideas!  You're not worthy of my unicorn farting rainbows!"  

It's a wonder I am allowed into any restaurants in Tampa Bay.

But again, this blog post is not about gifts that I received (call me Tim, you hot unicorn-drawing waiter!)  No ... this is about me giving the best gift ever to Prince fan, Ms. Kentucky.

(Side note:  there is also a waiter at Rumba who looks like actor/teen heartthrob Zac Efron with this thick, luscious hair that was standing like 3 feet off his head.  I told the waiter I wanted to shave his gorgeous hair and sell it on eBay.  And he didn't call the cops on me, so I am pretty sure that means he agrees to be part of the transaction.  I'm going to be RICH!)

If you are a lucky person you have probably received some very generous gifts in your life, but I doubt you have ever received anything as wonderful as what I gave to Ms. Kentucky.  

I told her this was her birthday, Christmas, Bastille Day present all rolled up into one!  If you want to be as fabulous as me, you have to become the ultimate gift giver.

And what did I give Ms. Kentucky, you ask?

I gave her this ... drumroll, please ...

The world's best gift ... EVER ...

A print of a painting of Prince ("Prince Prints!") - in Purple Rain-era clothing - riding a purple-maned unicorn with a full moon behind him.

It simply does not get any better than this, my friends.

I had had several strong cocktails that evening thanks to Tim the waiter who was selecting all my drinks for me.  (I had abdicated my rights of cocktail selection, as it were.  I like to sign over the power of attorney for this to a select group of cute waiters.  I think it is best in my declining mental state that someone else make my decisions for me ... when it comes to cocktails.)

My recollection of Ms. Kentucky's reaction to receiving this gift is a little fuzzy due to the aforementioned multitude of cocktails.  However, I am pretty sure Ms. Kentucky stood on her chair like Caesar addressing the Roman Senate.

She proclaimed to the packed restaurant, through joyous sobbing, that I was the most considerate person ever.  This then turned into a thirty-seven hour speech detailing all of my finest qualities.  

It would have lasted longer - I mean we all know thirty-seven hours barely covers the tip of the iceberg on the subject of how great I am; but Ms. Kentucky grew hoarse from talking non-stop.  

If only one of us had a menthol eucalyptus throat lozenge so she could have kept going!  Sigh ... regrets.

I do have the best picture of Ms. Kentucky EVER as she opened the "Prince Print" scroll and first viewed the magnificence that is Prince on a Purple-Maned Unicorn.  The look of joy and surprise on her face is PRICELESS.  It makes me laugh hysterically every time I see it.  

However the restraining order that I am sure Ms. Kentucky will one day file against me, is sure to prohibit me from posting pictures of her on my blog.  Perhaps I'll draw a rendition of the scene ... but as I said before, I have no talent ... so think of a stick figure with a surprised expression-- that would be my drawing!

Needless to say, once again, with my Prince Print gift I proved that I am the best gift giver EVER.  I've held that crown for 900 years and counting, people! 

(Side Note:  Ms. Kentucky says that yesterday - July 27, 2014 was the 30th anniversary of the movie "Purple Rain."  I am not sure how this is possible since I am only 22 years old [hahahhahaha] ... but I'll take her word for it.)

If you want to try to be the Best Gift Giver Ever and slowly climb the ladder to being the best LilyOnTheLam clone you can be, make sure that during the next gift-giving holiday you hand out lots of prints of Prince ("Prince Prints!") to all your friends and family members.

You may never be as wonderful as me, but you certainly are allowed to try.  

P.S.  There is a deliciously lovely St. Petersburg artist (with the most gorgeous eyes) named Robert Phelps who creates beautiful pet portraits as well as other spectacular art work.  Ms. Kentucky, her friend and I met him last month while he was working on a painting of ... drumroll, please ... Prince.  

I thought I could try to get to know him better by commissioning him to do paintings of all of my 12,374 cats.  But I would probably go bankrupt before I could effectively seduce him ... sigh.  

I should probably contain my dreams to becoming the next Jerome in Morris Day and The Time and forget about trying to seduce artists ... or waiters.  

But a girl can dream, can't she?
            

You Don't Have To Be An Evil Fairy To Have A Good Cake And A Good Birthday!

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Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

If you read my July 24, 2014 blog post, you'll know that I talked about Maleficent the evil fairy from the children's tale "Sleeping Beauty."  You may have wondered why I picked that particular topic.  

Well it was my birthday this week (I am 974 years old!) and I wanted a special cake to memorialize the celebration.  There are not many holidays where we specifically celebrate with cake.  If I were French, I'd have a buche de noel cake for Christmas.  But I'm American!  

Thanksgiving gets pumpkin pie.  Valentine's Day - a box of chocolates if you're lucky.  Arbor Day - don't even get me started on the lack of swag for that "holiday."  Sometimes people will make a "flag cake" for Flag Day, but evidently I don't know any of "those people" because I don't see anyone knocking down my door to give me cake.  

Basically unless I get married this year, the only opportunity to have an "official cake-sanctioned holiday" is my birthday.

So what kind of cake do you get to celebrate a once a year event?

I was procrastinating from cleaning by reading "news" stories online, when I saw a picture of Angelina Jolie doing a press junket for her movie "Maleficent" in Shanghai, China.  It was also her birthday, so the press conference people presented her with this lovely birthday cake.

I have been to Japan, China, Taiwan, Thailand, Macau, Malaysia, Australia and New Zealand and what I have learned is "Asia Pacific Bakeries make GORGEOUS cakes."  

This cake was Crazy Awesome - Maleficent with her staff with the Shanghai skyline behind her and ohhhh that purple fondant.  I wondered if the cake inside was green as Maleficent is known for her green and purple tones.  I knew instantly I needed a Maleficent cake like this for my birthday.

Now I know what you're thinking -- "Lily, you're already practically Angelina Jolie's twin ... gorgeous supermodel looks, insanely hot husband, six children, millions of dollars, humanitarian ... do you really need to have her birthday cake too?"  That is what you're thinking, right?  RIGHT?

Or maybe you're thinking "Lily, the only thing you and Angelina Jolie have in common would be a birthday cake, so go to it, Crazy Cat Lady!"  (You're not thinking that, right?  RIGHT?)    

I MUST HAVE THIS CAKE ... and I knew immediately who could do it for me ...

Sweet Tweets Cakery of Tampa, Florida.  

Sweet Tweets makes the most amazing cupcakes, but it is their cakes that have me speechless in awe.  

Just a selection of Sweet Tweets many flavors - "The King" cupcake is my new favorite

I once had them make a strawberry champagne cake in the shape of a Tiffany's box.  It was absolutely the right shade of Tiffany's blue.  They also made mini cupcakes with pirate flags for a Gasparilla party that were THE hit of the party.  

If you go to Sweet Tweets Facebook page, you'll see that Sweet Tweets makes some pretty darn amazing cakes.  They have a wedding cake with cherry blossoms on their profile picture that is beyond gorgeous.  I may have to get married just so I can have that cake.  (If you see a Craigslist post that says "Marry me, so I can have cake;" you will know its me.)

I told Sweet Tweets I wanted a smaller version of the Angelina Jolie cake minus the Shanghai buildings.  I emailed them photos and kept my fingers crossed.  

And this is what they presented me with ...

Look out behind you, Maleficent!  There's a Chibby Kitten stalking you!

  
ISN'T SHE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CAKE EVER?  I know it's MY birthday cake, but come on ... she is perfection covered in fondant.  (I also liked that when I picked up the cake from Sweet Tweets, the Sweet Tweets staff referred to the cake as "her" - women after my own heart who understand that a Maleficent cake is NOT an "it" but a "her.")  

Maleficent is so regal with her green jewel topped staff!  She is cute and yet slightly dangerous looking - exactly the look women have been trying to perfect for centuries!  

I was trying to take glamour shots of my lovely Sweet Tweets cake when Chibby Kitten tried to jump into the scene.  I rescued my beautiful cake before he could POUNCE!  That would NOT have been a good picture had he reached the cake and took a big swipe out of it. 

The cake is almond with an amaretto filling.  I asked for the cake to be tinted green.  I don't know if Angelina Jolie's cake was green, but I was determined that mine would be!  The Sweet Tweets staff suggested tinting the amaretto filling purple - I trusted their judgment and I looooove the result!

Under the fondant, the cake had the most sinfully, smooth frosting.  The cake was perfectly moist and delectable.  The cake had a circle of edible gold chocolate pearls around it.  So delicious!

Several friends who could not join me for "the big day" requested cake, so my freezer is filled with slices carefully wrapped that will be distributed later this week.  (And for Mr. Cardamom Monroe - sometime hopefully in August if his relocation to Florida occurs soon!)

I can't get over what a beautiful job Sweet Tweets Cakery did on my birthday cake.  I know at age 974, I probably shouldn't have a birthday cake with a cartoon character on it ... but life is short!  Do I really want to be on my death bed thinking "I wish I had had a Maleficent cake?"  I can tell you my answer is a booming, resounding, resolute "NO!"  

My friend Ms. Wisconsin asked me if I was going to keep the Maleficent cake topper.  I said "You bet, I am going to freeze her and bring her out to top French toast, hamburgers, anything I am eating I am going to stick her in!"  (And I was only half joking!) 

(Side Note:  I picked up my cake the day before my birthday. Since I and my friends have no willpower, I picked up a four pack of Sweet Tweets cupcakes to keep any hungry cake eaters away from my beautiful, beautiful cake.  I also learned an important lesson - my new Kipling purse [birthday gift to me!] can hold a four pack of cupcakes!  I can just hear my friends saying "where are our cupcakes?" the next time we go to the movies.  "You bragged on your blog that your purse can hold a 4 pack of cupcakes, so we expect you'll be smuggling in cupcakes to any and all movies we see!"  Sigh ...  Darn these friends of mine!  More income will be going to Sweet Tweets in the future!)

White Wedding, Peanut Butter, The King and Banana Cupcake - because why have one when you can have FOUR?

Normally I'd crop my gnarly feet out of the photo but I would like to point out that
my zebra flip flops match my black and white skirt - which is about as color coordinated as I get.
But even more important, I can fit FOUR JUMBO SWEET TWEETS CUPCAKES
in my new Kipling purse!  

After eating the most beautiful cake ever, I had a wonderful birthday celebration at Armani's Italian Restaurant.  This is my most favorite place to go to watch the sunset over cocktails and a platter from their large antipasti bar.  If you are in Tampa Bay, you must go.  It is a memorable experience.

The view from Armani's

Our selected antipasti from the large antipasti bar

Two Desserts In One Day?  Well, it is my BIRTHDAY!

Armani's is at the top of the Grand Hyatt Tampa Bay Hotel.  I love this hotel for its location by the Bay and a lagoon as well as its restaurants Armani's and Oystercatchers.  They have a slightly elevated walkway along the edge of the marshland off the Bay.  It is a gorgeous walk where you can often times see waterfowl.  I once took my sister to brunch at Oystercatchers and there was a Japanese anime convention at the hotel.  It made for delightful people watching.

On the grand occasion of my birthday, the Grand Hyatt did not disappoint.  A "motorcycle enthusiasts" group made up of retired military, police, fire fighters and other helpers/first responders was having a convention at the hotel.  I have never seen so many motorcycles in one place!  And I have never seen so many bikers with so much alcohol in one place!  

(For the record my answer to "what did you do for your birthday?" is now "Partied with a hotel full of bikers."  OK that wasn't exactly the truth but we talked to three leather-clad gentlemen in the elevator as we were leaving and I took a picture by about 100 motorcycles.  That counts, right?)

The service at Armani's is always stellar.  We had two gentleman waiting on our table that night.  The head waiter Jerry was very attentive and helped us select some great options.

My 974th birthday was a wonderful event -- an amazing Maleficent cake, a wonderful birthday dinner with a wonderful view, wonderful service, wonderful company, wonderful conversation, wonderful food, wonderful motorcycle enthusiasts (ha!) ... just plain wonderful.

(Side Note:  Share my beautiful Sweet Tweets cake on Pinterest!  Click here to pin!)  

No Cake For You, Chibby Kitten!!!!!

And like all fairy tales, my night ended happily ever after!

Whether you are looking for an amazing cake or an amazing place to watch the sunset and have a great meal, Tampa Bay has some amazing options!  I hope you will check out both Armani's and Sweet Tweets!
   
P.S.  When did my little blog surpass 150,000 page views?  I turn around and I am already at 151,000+!  Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading my wacky tales!  I know other blogs may get 150,000+ page views an hour (or a minute!) but I'm just a wacky person in Tampa Bay so I appreciate every single page view.  Thanks for making my day!

The Purple Green Girl, A Dragon and How It All Ends

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Happy July 24th LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

When I was a wee lass, I used to love the Disney animated film "Sleeping Beauty."  Not because I was a fan of spindles or sleeping chicks or royal guys with necrophiliac tendencies ... no I loved that crazy, batty, horned evil fairy chick with the great wardrobe, golden staff and raven ... Maleficent.

She was unapologetic in her fury.  She could turn herself into a dragon.  She had awesome makeup.  And all that purple and green ... Truly, what's not to love?  She was worlds more interesting than that sleeping blond with a spinning wheel fetish.

But as all fairy tales seem to do, the dorky Prince "saves" the day when he kills Maleficent in her dragon form.

I watched it a million times ... and I always rooted for the dragon.  Blah blah blah true love's kiss and all that, I wanted the evil fairy to win.

So when I heard Angelina Jolie was starring in the movie titled "Maleficent" (NOT Sleeping Beauty), I cheered because who else can make prosthetic cheekbones look amazing but Ms. Jolie-Pitt herself?  Sadly the movie went all "Hollywood" and gave the film "a message" and a "happy ending" (and not the kind from massage parlors).  I really just wanted to see Angelina Jolie rage and turn into a dragon.

But no such luck from Hollywood.

Stay tuned for a future LilyOnTheLam.com post when I wax on more about Angelina Jolie, but for now I turn our story to another time ...

When I was 24 years old, I was driving home from work at about 40 miles per hour when a car turned right in front of me.  You know how they say your life flashes in front of your eyes when you're about to die (or think you are about to die)?  Well for me, as I plowed my car into this (obviously crazy) woman's car; I had a serene sense of calm.  

I thought "Ohhh, so this is how it ends."  As one might when you finally figure out the final twist in an interesting movie.  

I take a lot of comfort in that perceived final moment.

Obviously I did not die - I was bruised and banged up, but still living!  

However I like what happened in what I thought might be the last moment on earth.

I wasn't scared.  I wasn't hopeless.  I wasn't remorseful or filled with regret.  

It was just as if I turned the final page in a great beach read ... "Ahhh, so that's how it ended!"  

I cannot fully articulate how peaceful this moment makes me.  I hope that when death does come for me that I will once again have this same reaction.  No fear.  No anger.  No remorse.  Just a gentle bit of surprise and an ah-ha moment!

I like to see psychics every now and again.  It's my way of wasting money ... I don't smoke.  I don't drink a lot.  I don't buy $1000 purses.  But every now and again I see a psychic for giggles.  

Almost every one says I am an old soul who has bounced around from lifetime to lifetime.  I don't know if that's true or not, but my reaction as I struck the other vehicle with massive force makes me think that maybe this hasn't been my first time in the cosmos.

"Ohhhhh, so this is how it ends."

When I die, I don't think I'll be in a dragon form with a Prince's sword in my chest ... but maybe in the next life.  Who knows?  But until I figure out "how it ends,"  I like to think of myself as that green horned girl in the black and purple cape ... and sometimes even as the dragon herself.

  
Happy July 24th, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

Ohhhhhh America: You're my friend, now gimme stuff!

Happy Tuesday LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

I find that getting four hours of sleep and then working for thirteen hours straight makes me slightly BIATCHY.  Which is not a good thing when people around me start losing it.

One of my close friends, Pookie St. Claire and I often discuss how it seems like many people were not given an etiquette manual at birth.  

I had to have a conversation with a colleague that basically went like this: "So Person X offered to help you because you were complaining that you were drowning in a sea of work and then you stabbed Person X in the back?  How is that productive?  Was that maybe not the best choice you could have made in that situation?"  

I'll never fully understand why it seems like "normal" human nature to take for granted the people closest to us.  Or worse, treat strangers better than the people closest to us.  But many of us do.  I know I have, on too many occasions I care to admit.  But yet it still floors me when I see people throw others "under the bus," as many times the person they are throwing is the one who has helped them the most.  

"Thanks for all the friendship and support and in return, let me kick you as the 3:47 p.m. Metro bus is coming up the road." 

In keeping with the "Ohhhhhh America" theme, I wonder if it's just Americans who seem to take so much for granted.  (I suspect not.)  It does cause me to ponder and muse about the subject however.  I find that some of the people I have helped the most and have been the most generous with are the ones first lining up to play Brutus to my Julius.  And shockingly I don't say that with sadness, bitterness or rage - it's become more of a named known factor.  And that's truly sad.

One of the things I like to do to distract myself from these shallow "deep" thoughts is watch the Jerry Seinfeld web series "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee."  This is a terrific show for both comedy lovers and car lovers.  I was so excited to see that since the last time I had watched that a Jon Stewart and an Aziz Ansari episode had been uploaded. My lucky day!  (The simple things make me the happiest!)

As I watched the Jon Stewart-Jerry Seinfeld episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee,  I watched Jon make himself and Jerry an iced latte with a Nespresso machine.  I suddenly remembered that Pookie St. Claire had offered to give me his Nespresso machine.  Pookie St. Claire likes to spend basically the gross national product of some third world country on nicer and nicer coffee machines.  I think he is getting rid of the Nespresso in favor of the Jumbo Coffee-tron 3000 Mega Deluxe Professional.  I also think Pookie St. Claire could afford a small Starbucks franchise for the cost of all the coffee makers he has had over the years.

Pookie St. Claire also names his coffee makers.  I think the Nespresso that he is generously giving me is named Bethuselah Boffey.  (And if it's not, IT IS NOW.  And that's Baw-FAY, not BOFF-fee.)

Now I could say that the comedy web series reminder about the Nespresso machine should have made me pause for a moment and thank my lucky stars that I have such a good friend as Pookie St. Claire ... and not just because he's giving me his fancy caffeinated miracle machine.  But because in general, although I hate to admit it; he's a pretty darn good friend who has stuck by me for 896 years.  (Did I mention he is really, really old?)

BUT did I do that?  Nope.  I grabbed my cell phone, texted Pookie St. Claire and said "Remember to gimme that coffee machine!"

Ahhhh ... maybe I need an etiquette guide too.  HAHAHAHHAHA!

But Pookie St. Claire subtly (with a megaphone) mentioned he would like to be in LilyOnTheLam.com again.  So Pookie St. Claire is giving me a high end coffee maker and in return he gets my lack of appreciation and a mention on a BLOG.  May not be the best exchange, he's ever made ... I'll have to reconsider my shocking lack of gratitude over a large latte.

Thank you, Pookie St. Claire! 

Ohhhhhh America! Own Your Salaciousness!

Happy Saturday, LilyOnTheLam.com Readers!

I started out this wonderful day being treated to an early birthday breakfast by Ms. Wrigleyville.  I'm doing this new trend (yes happening 2 times in one month constitutes a trend!) where Ms. Wrigleyville buys me free breakfasts!

I have several more social events today, so this is going to be a quickie "Ohhhhhh America!" post.  I live in a building with many many elderly residents.  I live in Florida, after all.  Most places you go in Florida are a visit to God's Waiting Room.

There are both pros and cons to being surrounded by elderly people.  One neighbor sincerely tells me she loves me every time she sees me.  Talk about positive energy.  

But I have to say that many of my elderly neighbors are stereotypical older folks - lots to complain about, eating dinner at 4 p.m. and have an overall crotchety personality even if everything in the world is going right.  

We have a "lending library" in our lobby.  A place you can leave books you have already read for others to take.  I noticed that someone had donated a bunch of new books.  There was a chick lit book with a possibly sort of salacious title, sitting on the shelf.  I picked it up and I noticed that someone had taken a small piece of wrapping paper and taped it across the book's title.

I was at first confused and then I started laughing when I realized what was going on in here.  Someone didn't want the title to be seen as they read the book in public!  They had actually taken a piece of gift wrap - that was similar to the book cover's colors, cut it to perfectly fit the title and generously scotch-taped the paper on the cover so that there was zero chance that the paper would fall off.  That's some serious wanting to hide what you're doing (or reading, in this case.)

I don't know if other countries/cultures have this - I find it to be particularly American - wanting to hide your naughtiness and trying to cover up who you really are.  I think life is too short - own who you are, own your salaciousness!  Let everyone see your freak flag fly!  Read those naughty books and don't let yourself be defined or judged for doing it!  Stop taping book covers!

God bless my elderly neighbors and their sense of decorum though!  (Except for my next door elderly neighbors who loudly, loudly, loudly have sex.  They need a greater sense of decorum!)

Have a wonderful Saturday!

      

Ohhhhhh America: Put That Pig In A Tutu and Let's Read British Tabloids!

Hi LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

I wrote today's post on Wednesday night, but Thursday night I wanted to add an additional paragraph which turned into many paragraphs.  So consider this blog post - two posts for the price of one.  One sad and one wacky, which is a good metaphor for events in my life.

On Thursday, I started my work day at 5:45 a.m.  It was a hellish day and my first break was not until 8:30 p.m.!  (Talk about exhaustion.)  I am giving reviews to my employees and my first one at 6 a.m. did not go well.  I spent the rest of the day trying to recover emotionally.    

So finally at 8:30 p.m., it was the first chance I had to look at the news BEFORE my 9 p.m. conference call.  Talk about working around the clock!

I went to CNN.com and I saw a headline about a missile and a Malaysia Airlines flight.  I first thought they were talking about Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 and I said a prayer of relief that finally they had found the plane.  But then I realized no, this was another Malaysia Airlines flight - reportedly shot down by a missile.  I couldn't believe I had gone the whole day without hearing any news.  Work has been so insanely busy it is easy to forget there is a world outside my window.

If you're a regular reader of LilyOnTheLam.Com (or if you know me personally), you may recall that I spent almost five weeks living in Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia on an assignment.  I had never been to Malaysia and to tell you the truth when I heard I was going there I had to look it up on a map to see where it was.  (Public school education!)  I also somehow didn't know Kuala Lumpur was in Malaysia and I didn't know Borneo was Malaysia.  (Frankly, I'm lucky if I know where New Hampshire is ... ummm somewhere on the East Coast!  But hey, I am super good at pop culture trivia!)

I took Malaysia Airlines from Kuala Lumpur to Kota Kinabalu.  The flight attendants were some of the nicest I have met in a very long time (and I travel A LOT.)  Malaysia quickly became one of my favorite places in the world, which is a true compliment because I have been to many foreign cities (even if my map skills/geographic knowledge are questionable!)  Kota Kinabalu to me is like Florida, Hawaii and Taiwan all rolled up into one.  It is one of the most gorgeous places on this Earth.  The people are so friendly and open-hearted.  And THE FOOD!  So delicious - consistently terrific.  When I returned home, I made a Malaysian feast for my friends.    (Read about my adventures in Sandakan, Malaysia here.)

When Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappeared, I felt sorrow on many levels-- the overall tragedy and ongoing grief because no wreckage has been found and no answers have been given.  The sadness for the flight crew who most likely died in service to their passengers.  I work with people who travel all over the world - in fact two people who worked for my company were on Flt. 370.  The thought of traveling for business and losing one's life ... I can't even express the gut-punch I feel.  

I grieved for all the passengers and their families.  How torturous it must be to not have a final answer on what happened.  Most of the people on Flight 370 were Malaysian or Chinese.  I have traveled in both countries and have been treated so well by both nationalities.

Just the other day, I had been discussing with co-workers an upcoming workshop in Kuala Lumpur and who from my team would get to fly in for the event.  I knew it would not be me and I was jealous of whomever on our team would get to go to Malaysia.    

But now to hear that yet another full Malaysia Airlines flight has suffered an inexplicable tragedy ... I have no words to adequately express the sadness and sorrow for the lives lost from so many different countries and their family members who are left behind.

It is shocking and I am sure more answers will come - although probably more speculation and misdirection too as news tends to spiral out on every detail, whether true fact or rumor.  Knowing the full details will not change what has already happened.  How can you make sense of a senseless tragedy?

I had such a wonderful experience living in Malaysia.  I have so many wonderful memories that I cherish to this day.  It breaks my heart that yet another horrific tragedy has befallen a Malaysia Airlines flight.  It also makes me sad that for people who have never been to Malaysia, they may solely associate the country with these two tragedies.  This would be a shame because there is so much beauty in the country and in its proud, generous, kind people.  

I don't know why two tragedies like this have befallen Malaysia Airlines in a relatively short period of time.  What are the odds?  I pray for the families of passengers on Flight 370 and Flight 17.

P.S. Paul Brandeis Raushenbush says it much better than I ever could in his Huffington Post blog: "How Do We Respond To This Really Horrible Day?"

*****************************
Now on to my previously written Friday blog post ... a much less sad post about pigs, vegans and secret shameful love.  Sometimes the only thing we can do during times of sorrow is be grateful for what we have and try to laugh instead of cry.  I hope the following post makes you laugh and forget the world's problems, even if for a minute.

Happy Friday, LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

Another hellacious work week has come to an end - and the merriment of the weekend has begun!  After driving back and forth to Orlando twice last weekend, I am looking forward to staying closer to home and just relaxing.  How about you?

It is Day Five of "Ohhhhhh America!" week, where I shake my head at things shameful, disappointing or really awesome but I am ashamed to admit I think it is really awesome!

Today's post is all about Secret Shameful Love.  

It all happened when three straight girls went to St. Pete Pride Festival - basically a block party of food stands and information booths in honor of the wonderful gays and lesbians in Florida and beyond.  

One of my fellow attendees will forever be known as "Miss Freebie" because she was grabbing everything and anything that was given for free at the event.  Pens, canvas/mesh bags, paper fans, hand sanitizer, lollipops ... It was swag-a-rrific.  Watching Miss Freebie grab fistfuls of freebies made me miss my Mother - the original "Mrs. Freebie."

I had had a delectably spicy Bloody Mary at The Queens Head Restaurant and Euro Bar in St. Pete.  I'm not really sure what a Euro Bar is.  It sounds like a candy bar.  Or a bar of soap made out of colorful European money.  Or a euphemism for what a European tourist is smuggling in his scarily too tight Speedos.   

There were no Europeans sitting at The Queens Head's bar.  This "Euro Bar" sounds like false advertising to me!  But it is very worth it to go to The Queens Head to visit "the loo."  

(Look, I can speak British.  Or even Swiss British!)  

The Queens Head's Loo is wallpapered with British tabloids.  I seriously wanted to stay in there and read awhile ... but there was a long line of people waiting.  Perhaps next time!

The incredible heat, the rockin' DJ, an Atlantan soul singer who looked like a drag queen but was anatomically female, the Euro Bar Bloody Mary and a cup of super crazy good Tropiccool pineapple sorbet were all adding up to a relaxed, mellow, incredibly sweaty LilyOnTheLam.  I was slowly moving like I was crawling through pudding.  

And I didn't care.

But then I saw the most glorious sight.

It was like a syringe of adrenaline to my heart.

It was ...

     
A pig.

In a tutu.

Named Penelope.

At Pride.

The children's book practically writes itself here, people!

A young woman took a piglet, put it into a tutu and on a leash and took her to St. Pete Pride.  Probably the most amazing thing in the world.

In comparison, I realized that I lead the most boring life ever.  

How come I am not dressing up pigs and bringing them to social events?  I don't even own a tutu - adult-size or pig-size!  Suddenly my cats seemed very boring and oh so not colorful.  

"Hello LilyOnTheLam, this is your midlife crisis knocking on your door."

Ohhhhhh America, where we dress up bacon in ballet tutus.

Speaking of bacon, I saw this at Fresh Market ... 

WHAT THE WHAT ...

Vegan coconut bacon.  Bacon substitute made out of coconut.

Seriously - what the what?  AND WHY? 

I know readers, you want me to actually try coconut bacon and let you know how it is in one of my nifty product reviews. 

BUT I JUST CAN'T.  

I can't be the girl who eats coconut bacon. 

Seriously, I can't. 

If I can't be the girl with a pig in a tutu on a leash, I certainly CANNOT be the girl who eats coconut bacon either!  

Will someone please try this product and let me know how it is?  In the meantime, I'll be eating real bacon.  But not Penelope.

And in another porcine-related note, when I was real estate shopping with Mr. Cardamom Monroe I saw this beauty in a staged condo.

Whomever decorated this condo for open house viewing is a mighty super genius.  How can it get better than a graffitied paint splattered piggy on a table?

I nudged Mr. Cardamom Monroe and said "In the offer, make sure they throw in the pig.  I want that pig."

Mr. Cardamom Monroe pretended not to hear me.

"THE PIG!  THE PIG!" I hissed intently.  "MAKE SURE THEY THROW IN THE PIG IF YOU BUY THIS PLACE!"  I was NOT going to be ignored.

Mr. Cardamom Monroe pretended not to know me as he walked to the other end of the unit and discussed ways to spruce up the ugly track lighting with his realtor.

I looked at the paint splattered pig with my eyebrows arched.  "You will be mine, little piggy.  Oh yes, you will be mine."  I whispered.  

I don't care if Mr. Cardamom Monroe has to pay twice the asking price for this condo, I AM GETTING THAT PIG.  

It's important for a girl to have dreams.  

Ohhhhhh America!