You Need To Tighten The Lid On Your Box Of Crazy

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

Since Venus went out of retrograde (is that the correct terminology??), I decided to devote more time and energy toward my dating life.  I don't know if it will bring me a healthy romance but it certainly has given me more entertaining stories to share during Happy Hour with friends!

From a very early age, people have told me that they think I am an "old soul."  I had one slightly odd "psychic" in Maine tell me I pre-dated Stonehenge.  Yeah look, I know I have wrinkles - but come on, I am not THAT old!  

I'm not sure whether my soul is old or if I have just been a judgmental biatch from an early age.  (My money is on the latter!)  I seriously have recollections of being around 3 years old and thinking about adults around me: "Well, you made an unfortunate life choice there."  

What 3 year old is giving side eye and talking shady?   

Evidently this pre-Stonehenge toddler does!

And since I have been judgmental from an early age (or for centuries), I have to remind myself to reel in the eye rolling when someone says something outlandish to me.  So much so that I feel like someone with Asperger Syndrome who has to learn how to show "societal conversation empathy."  

(Which by the way, I am currently reading John Elder Robison's book "Look Me In The Eye" - his fascinating memoir about growing up with undiagnosed Asperger Syndrome.  Check it out!)

A test of my lack of proper social skills came in a tall, dark-haired, athletic package.  Let's call him Mr. New Age.  I am all for bettering one's self and as someone who occasionally visits shamans and psychics and has 900 cats, who am I to judge others?  But after talking with Mr. New Age, I was Queen Judgmental of the Planet Condescension!

But let me explain ...

First, I was interrogated on what I have done to make this planet better for all mankind.  

Um OK, I volunteer with various organizations ... and um, I'm pretty so I beautify the world (bwahahahahha) and um ... I'm #TeamHuman.  I even have the bedazzled tank top proving it.

Is this the Miss America pageant?  Sheesh!  What have YOU done, Sir?  

Then I was asked about what percentage of my diet is organic.  

Really?  I mean, really?  Is this the new screening process for potential relationships?  "I'm sorry Sally, you eat 56% organic but I only date those who eat at least 74% organic.  Thanks for applying, but don't call me because I won't call you."

I tried to estimate my organic food percentage but all I could think about was the McDonald's cheeseburger Happy Meal I had recently purchased so I could get the Hello Kitty toy.  I am kinda doubtful whether that nuclear orange cheese and burger were organic!  And I ordered fries instead of apple slices!  Oh the humanity!

But I held my tongue and just kind of soft-shoed around the organic question as best I could.

Non-organic plastic, anyone?

Then Mr. New Agey talked about his intuition.  I made the mistake of saying that I thought I was pretty intuitive.  (Which honk my own horn here, BUT I AM!)  He mocked me and said if I was very intuitive I would be able to travel to other galaxies and access the Akashic Records.  Ugh, is that like a David Bowie cover band?  (Just kidding, but I mean - COME ON!)  

And by the way, how the heck does HE know that I am not levitating my way to other galaxies?  My luggage could be covered in stickers with all my space exploration.  My friends could be wearing "My BFF went to other galaxies and all I got was this lousy shirt" t-shirts!  It could happen!   

At this point I kind of spaced out ... which by that I mean, I was wondering whether being "really intuitive" also meant I could stab him with a fork and get away with it.  I pondered the odds of my escaping the law when suddenly I heard him saying something about eternal twin flames.  

I guess this is like a fancier version of a soul mate.  He said that once he learned he had an eternal twin flame that he was more relaxed about meeting people and dating.  I seriously had to hold my eye balls in place to not my roll my eyes.

Now I could have listened to his words and just said nothing.  That would have been the polite thing to do, I guess.  But if you're a regular LilyOnTheLam.com reader, you will know that I have the impulse control of a toddler who just ate a gigantic bag of fun size candy bars washed down with a 2 liter of Mountain Dew.  

Yep.  I just could NOT help myself.

I launched in to a discussion of Plato's Symposium and the line from Hedwig and the Angry Inch about "no cosmic lover pre-assigned" ... this was evidently the wrong thing to say to Mr. Eternal Twin Flame.  I just pooh-poohed his entire notion of a pre-destined soul mate!  He literally gasped as if I had deflated his soul.  

Um, whoops!

He then inquired - "So you don't think it is all predetermined?" 

Oh come on!  If you truly thought that your entire life was predetermined, why would you ever get out of bed in the morning??  I cannot believe that there is a spiritual deity that is micromanaging the nuances of my day to day life.  "On Tuesday, I'll make sure the Starbucks is out of non-fat milk and really ruin Lily's day!"    

So I said to Mr. New Age "I don't think anything is 100% predetermined."

Wrong thing to say.

You would have thought I said "I love killing puppies and babies for fun!"  He was so utterly horrified by my words.  

And that, my friends, is when I muttered, out loud: "You need to tighten the lid on your box of crazy!"  

I seriously can't believe that came out of my mouth!  

It was like I had an out of body experience.  One where I could NOT control my mouth!  (Maybe I am one step away from tiptoeing through those Akashic Records and levitating to distant galaxies after all!)  

I mean, it was what I truly and honestly felt - but I can't believe I said it out loud!  

WHOOPS!  

Is it too late to lie and say "Ooops, I have Tourette's"?  

So much for self-restraint or positive interactions or #TeamHuman for Lily On The Lam!  Queen Judgmental has made her royal appearance!

Maybe one day I will be a mature adult, but evidently not today.  

If I do have an eternal twin flame, I am pretty sure he doesn't suffer fools lightly either!  

Needless to say, Mr. New Age and I were not a love connection but the story has given me endless amounts of laughter over the INSANITY of it all.

I hope this tale of my new age dating angst made you chuckle!  And if it didn't, just levitate yourself over to another galaxy and think it over some more!  Thanks for reading!