Saturday, June 2, 2012

Canada, You're On Notice!!

Hello My Gorgeous and Sassy LilyOnTheLam.com Readers:

How is your Saturday going?  I decided to start my Saturday bright and early!  Alarm went off at 8 a.m.  I crawled out of bed at 11:30 a.m.  Ahhh yes, bright and early!

This is going to be a short post because my 150th blog post was an epic novella ... I gotta give your eyeballs a chance to rest.

Now as you ALL know, LilyOnTheLam.com is an international sensation.  I am pretty much the hottest mega star blogger in the world ... and I've got my eye on you, Jupiter!  You're Next!

I was looking at my Google Blogger stats to see which countries are tops in LilyOnTheLam.com readership and here are the results ...

1)  United States - my local peeps get me on a whole new level ... it's an America thing.  RESPECT!
2)  United Kingdom - no surprise, I have two hot young male athlete cousins in the UK - women will stalk me just to see if I write about them.  (Disclaimer - reading LilyOnTheLam.com does not guarantee hot male English athletes will f*ck you, but hey it doesn't guarantee that they won't either - so better keep reading my blog just in case!)
3)  Germany - my baby sister is fluent in German, so obviously that's why I am so popular there (and I have drank my body weight numerous times at the Hofbrauhaus in Munich and stayed at the uber-wonderful Hotel Adlon on the former East Berlin side- I am practically German - pass the schnitzel and the wurst!)
4) Ukraine - obviously my tribute blog post continues to keep Ukraine close to my heart and my blog!
5) Russia - I drank what I am pretty sure was battery acid in a bottle marked "vodka" in Velikye-Luki, so with the limited brain cells I have left, I think that makes me an Honorary Russian.  
6) China - I was on the Great Wall of China on 10-10-10 ... on 11-11-11 I was making out with a wonderful man who is also a colossal douche bag ... lesson learned?  I should have just gone back to Beijing.  On 12-12-12, I'd like to be on a  Great Man of whatever country I choose ... girl's gotta have goals!

And in 7th place of top countries who read LilyOnTheLam.com?

7)  CANADA

Seventh?  Really Canada?  For the majority of my life, I have lived in states that bordered your fair arctic lands... but I move to Florida and suddenly our love affair is OVER?  We share a CONTINENT ... you should be 2nd among my readership!  (And don't get me started with you, MEXICO ... I could practically swim over to you to kick your ass for not representing in my readership!)  

I went to grad school in armpit Western New York (oops I mean lovely Buffalo, NY) and whenever guests would visit I'd show them 5 minutes of Buffalo and then say "Now let's go to Toronto for some real fun!"  I have seen Niagara Falls more times than I will ever care to admit thanks to all my house guests' visits.  I punctuate my sentences with "EH?" to an annoying degree.  And when I was in Egypt, I told people I was "possibly Canadian" versus a "Kill me now, I am an American."  And this is how you return my love? 

SEVENTH IN READERSHIP, CANADA, EH?  Do you really think I am going to take this lying down, passive and mute?

AU CONTRAIRE!  (That's for you, Quebecois!)

Some time this summer - you won't know when, you won't know where -- I am stealth crossing the border (with valid passport - calm down, Border Patrol!) and invading CANADA.  It's time for some cross border trucking to Canada.  (And by invading I mean spending a ridiculous amount of money on hotel, food, transportation and SHOP-SHOP-SHOPPING!)  I am going to make you cold-hearted Canucks love me, whether you want to or NOT!

So stay tuned to LilyOnTheLam.com because sometime this summer I will be invading Canada in a valiant attempt to raise my Canadian readership!

CANADA, YOU'RE ON NOTICE!

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