RECIPE FAIL! Low Carb Chai Infused Mock Rice Pudding

Hi LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers-- 


If you're a frequent reader to my website you will know that I like to talk of myself in lofty, exalted terms -- I am basically the world's best everything!  (Yeah, you heard me.)  


Of course I am joking, but boy did life hand me a big dose of "Guess again, Sister!" when I tried to "improve" upon the low carb mock rice pudding recipe that I had reviewed in a previous post (click here for the recipe review that I loved, loved, loved making and even loved more in consuming!)


Now if you have read the previous post, you'll know that the reason the "rice" pudding is low carb is because it is mock rice pudding ... there is no rice in it at all.  The mock rice is actually cottage cheese.  Before you start saying "ewwww" and clicking shut this blog post (stick with me, people!), I have to tell you that the mock rice pudding was pretty darn tasty.  Honest.  Scout's honor.  Although actually I was a Camp Fire Girl ... 


The low carb mock rice pudding was so tasty that I thought of ways I could vary the recipe and make it my own.  I had a mad crush on a man who loves chai, so perhaps my thoughts have been centered on chai because of that ... or perhaps my thoughts have been centered on sexy men and chai just happens to pop into the picture every now and again too.  Regardless of the birth of the idea, I had thought about doing a chai flavored low carb mock rice pudding.  Unfortunately as you may have gathered from the blog post title; this was a RECIPE FAIL!  I should have known that when the dish inspired by my crush was horrifically inedible that it would be some crazy precursor to the withering and dying of my crush.  As goes the crappy chai mock rice pudding, there goes the crush as well.  I believe Buddha said that.


But let's pretend you don't know that this is a RECIPE FAIL ... come back with me in time ... to a kinder, gentler world... a land of chai and romantic crushes ...


When trying to infuse chai-type flavors into a recipe, it is usually done in one of two ways -- steeping chai tea bags into a cooking liquid or adding elements that taste like chai - cinnamon, etc. into the recipe and having no actual chai tea in the recipe at all.


(Side Note on Chai:  My sister Squidge and I were in Delhi, India in December 2011 - January 2012.  We both love chai, but in India all tea is referred to as "chai" - it reminded me of parts of the South where all soda is referred to as "Coke."  It made for some hysterical beverage confusion in the ordering department.  I finally started ordering lattes!) 


I was shopping at the Target Super Center when I saw this chai tea - Stash brand Double Spice Chai Black Tea.  (Or if you are French [or a Francophile like me]: the noir chai aux epices doublees - sorry I can't figure out how to get the accent marks into Blogger.com because I am a Blogger.com idiot.)  

(Side Note on "Stash":  One of my favorite books when I was in college was Tama Janowitz's collection of stories: "Slaves of New York."  The lead character was this quirky but well-meaning, aspiring hat designer woman named Eleanor and her boyfriend was this lout of a pissy man-child named Stash.  I hated Stash's treatment of Eleanor, but I loved his name.  


The collection of stories eventually became a wacky film of the same name starring Bernadette Peters.  I was pretty floored by the choice of Bernadette Peters as Eleanor -- I thought she was completely wrong (although she tried her best).  But ohhh Adam Coleman Howard as Stash ... was just perfect casting.  Dark, brooding, pouty and annoyingly whiny.  I always thought I'd someday name a pet "Stash" because I love the name so much ... but maybe I'm still waiting for a boyfriend named Stash.  Preferably someone who is mature.  Adam Coleman Howard is Abigail Van Buren ("Dear Abby")'s grand-nephew, so maybe I just need to date him instead.  ;-) 


Ugh, now I am going to need to buy the DVD of the film - just talking about it has made me want to see it again.  If you're in the Tampa area, stop by for some popcorn and to watch the movie.  Otherwise it's available for rental on Amazon.com for $2.99 or purchase for $9.99.  Anyway, because I loved the name "Stash" when I was in college I made sure to buy Stash teas for my dorm room.  Yes, I was broke but would you like a cup of Stash tea?  So elegant and refined I was at the University of Wisconsin dorms.)


BUT I DIGRESS ... Anyway, I haven't bought Stash Tea in years - so when I saw the "Double Chai" flavor I thought "ah-ha" - I could steep the double chai tea bags in cream and make the mock rice pudding.  INFUSING THE CREAM WITH LUSCIOUS CHAI FLAVOR - EUREKA!  I was a little excited.  OK a LOT excited!


I bought a box of the double chai tea bags and brought them home.  I had the keys to the kingdom of quality chai flavor,  I just knew it!  Chai-infused low carb mock rice pudding, I will create you and make you mine, all mine!  However I didn't have a lot of heavy whipping cream in my house ... for the same reason I don't keep large amounts of candy in the house ... I have no impulse control.  I'd be whipping up cream left and right and dolloping it on everything.  


Scoop of fresh whipped cream on top of my coffee?  Well sure!  Scoop of fresh whipped cream on my berries?  Tasty!  
Scoop of fresh whipped cream on top of my steamed fish?  Ummm... well, uhhh OK.
Scoop of fresh whipped cream on my cats?  Uhhh... well maybe it will make their coats shiny? 
It would be mayhem, I tell you; pure mayhem.  Pure whipped cream dolloped mayhem.  
And my cats would be pissed.  Really pissed. 


I had enough heavy whipping cream to whip up to garnish the chai infused mock rice pudding, but not enough to make the pudding.  However, I did have a pint of half and half that KRG had brought me when I threw a brunch at my house, however none of my guests drank coffee - instead opting for my newly acquired Paradise passion fruit tropical iced tea (same iced tea they sell at Cheesecake Factory restaurant).  I decided that since this was low carb mock rice pudding, what harm could substituting heavy cream with half and half do?  (Let's call this Failure Point #1.) 


The original recipe called for Splenda.  I usually prefer stevia, but I had heard that stevia tastes bitter when baked.  However I had found Pure Via and it said "cup for cup" you could use it like sugar and it had a piece of pie on the label.  I thought "Hmm, maybe this is formulated to not taste bitter?"  So I bought it and instead of using Splenda like I had done in the earlier recipe, I used Pure Via.  (Let's call this Failure Point #2).

I had decided to make a double batch of the low carb mock rice pudding recipe.  (Failure Point #3).  Unfortunately my "Soviet Publix" grocery store only had small curd cottage cheese instead of large curd, which using large curd makes the mock rice pudding taste more like rice pudding.  (Failure Point #4).  


I gently heated the half and half with eight double chai spiced tea bags.

Now if you're going to infuse any liquid with tea bags, do yourself a favor and trim the strings from the tea bags - otherwise you get this result pictured below.  A potential fire hazard.  (That would be a real recipe fail!)

I steeped the tea bags in the gently warmed half and half for about 15 minutes - giving the liquid a nice tawny color.  I let the half and half cool before incorporating it slowly into the eggs.

I proceeded to make the low carb mock rice pudding recipe per the instructions, except subbing the chai-infused half and half for the heavy cream and the Pure Via for Splenda.  I baked it according to the directions.  


The result looked great ...

Puffed and golden and smelling lovely ... I thought "OK I am a Dessert Genius!"  I pulled out a Moroccan-inspired bowl that I purchased from Pier 1 years and years ago.  An excellent chai dessert had to be in an excellent bowl.

I whipped up some heavy whipping cream with some Stevia in the Raw and a splash of vanilla extract.

I took a generous square of the warm mock rice pudding and put in the bowl.  (Yes, that's Paula Deen Stoneware from Walmart.com - oh Paula, you are everywhere.)

I went a little super-size dollop crazy with the whipped cream ... there's chai infused mock rice pudding under there, I swear!

The Result:  AWFUL.  RECIPE FAIL.  BAD, BAD, SUPER SUCKY BAD!


OK from whatever source I learned that baking with stevia gives a bitter taste - they were right!  Instead of the creamy, custardy texture I had had before; I had made dusky (not chai flavored) water-laden scrambled eggs that had a very bitter artificial taste.  The small curd cottage cheese had completely melted into the bad "scrambled eggs" like mix.  It did not have the mock feel of the previous recipe where I had used large curd cottage cheese.


It was like I had cremated my grandfather and sprinkled him on top of over-cooked scrambled eggs and then dumped a bunch of whipped cream on top.  In case you're wondering, I consider that a RECIPE FAIL.


Ohhhh it was so wrong and so disgusting ... I do think if I had used Splenda, only made a single batch and maybe used a blend of Chai Concentrate with Heavy Whipping Cream with large curd cottage cheese that this dish could have had potential.  I did try it when it was completely cooled and it was less bitter than before, but still had a very nasty chemical aftertaste and still no recognizable chai flavor - just dusky, ashy, dirty, old sock taste.  Ugh.


Like my once sweet crush, my vision for a chai-infused low carb mock rice pudding disintegrated before my eyes.  Recipe fail, my friends.


I guess not even I - the great Lily On The Lam - can be perfect all of the time.  Chock this one up to "you live, you learn."  Thank you, Alanis Morrisette. 


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If you read LilyOnTheLam.com, you know that I have a huge Keurig coffee and tea bar ... I love my K-cups.  While I prefer the regular chai tea K-cups, these are decent for a pre-made chai if you need something fast.