Why It's Not A Good Idea To Get Drunk and Then Go To The Asian Dollar Store

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

Before I launch into the sage wisdom and advice of today's blog post, I would like to tell you that the inspiration for this post was brought to you by Vancouver, British Columbia's own Save On Meats Diner.  

For it was there, at the adorably cute diner with a jaw-droppingly hot, muscular man working the front counter (O Canada!) -- that I drank several of these lovely concoctions - a Caesar garnished with a savory, saucy pepperoni.  These were the beverages that set me out upon my journey of self-discovery.  

I was in Canada for two reasons: (1) To increase the pitiful Canadian readership of LilyOnTheLam.Com - seventh place in country readership?  Tsk Tsk Canada, you should be ashamed!  (Read more about it here, here and here.  Yes, I wrote three blog posts about my planned invasion of Canada- don't judge!)  And (2), I was in Vancouver to celebrate the anniversary of my birth ... no, I wasn't born in Canada but when you live in a hot, humid climate (hello Florida), it's nice to visit the cooler Pacific Northwest.

This was a pretty significant birthday.  (One doesn't turn 912 every day ... did I mention I am a vampire?  A very old vampire, at that.)  I've been having a lot of "What's It All About, Alfie?" moments.  And if you have no clue what that means, please watch the 1966 Michael Caine movie "Alfie" and not the Jude Law 2004 remake.  (If you must watch the Jude Law remake, then mute the sound and just say "Isn't he pretty?" over and over until the movie ends.)

I've also been having a lot of "what if this is as good as it gets?" moments as well.  (Cue clip of Jack Nicholson in the movie "As Good As It Gets.")  

To add to my emotional questions, I recently was promoted to a "stepping stone" role.  One of those "suck it up, work extremely hard and you'll move on to even bigger things, kid!" roles.  The carrot that is supposed to make the donkey jump up like Michael Jordan.  

It's like "Hey Kid, if you work hard - one day, all of Sector 7G will be yours!"  Since the stepping stone isn't the stone to step on to get to being a rock star or Oprah Winfrey, it's been hard for me to generate the requisite enthusiasm that this very good opportunity should create.  I guess the best way to describe how I am feeling with regard to the "stepping stone" is that it is like fishing with the wrong bait.  Here I am, swimming in the pond, and a hook with a lamb chop is dropped in the water.  I don't eat lamb, therefore it doesn't interest me.  So I just watch this lamb chop being dragged around in front of me while I stare at it.  Instead of being an incentive to make me work harder, it becomes a disincentive.    

"Ohhhh, you want me to bite into this?  But what then?  You pull me out by my mouth and throw me in a boat?  Um OK, but what then?  You club me, skin me, filet me, fry me and eat me?  Um OK, but what then?  I go through your digestive tract and then am defecated out of you?  Um OK, but what then?  I am washed into the sewers to disintegrate into the water?  But I am in water now, seems like an awful lot of work and pain to become a disintegrating piece of poop."

Now don't get me wrong ... I am extremely flattered that I was chosen for this stepping stone position.  There was stiff competition and it is an honor and a testament to my previous hard work.  And in this economy any money-making job that covers your expenses seems to be a good one.  I would rather be a shining star at my workplace with a heavy workload than be a nameless, faceless grunt with a lighter workload who no one knows about or cares about and then inevitably is the first one cut in a lay-off.  

But still I feel like the fish staring at a lamb chop on a hook thinking to myself: "Really?  I'm supposed to want this?  And want this enough to impale myself on a hook?  Seriously?"

I can talk your ear off about all the things I don't want to do - in career, life, love ... but it's more difficult to efficiently encapsulate what I do want in all of these areas in words.  

It makes me think of one of my favorite books, "Fight Club" by Chuck Palahniuk.  I am in love with most of the dialogue in this novel.  It is painfully poignant poetry for the post-boomer generations.  In Chapter Five, the Doorman says several statements that burn through my brain and my soul ...

"A lot of young people try to impress the world and buy too many things ... A lot of young people don't know what they really want ... Young people, they think they want the whole world ... If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot that you don't."

If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot that you don't.  Those words are like the closed captioning on my own blaring nightmare.  The overwhelming fear that I will bury myself in all that I don't want because I have no clue what I do want.  Ack, the horror!  Wake me from this nightmare!

Amidst all this so far aimless soul searching, I am also redecorating my living room.  After I had already made the decision to redecorate, I saw a numerologist (don't judge!) and she said I am at the end of a Nine Year Cycle and need to get new furniture.  I saw this as some sort of cosmic approval of my already prepared plan.  Hopefully the cosmos will also pay my credit card bill after I buy all this new furniture.  

I am not really sure of what I want in the living room ... which has led me to endless stores and online hunting.  The other day, I went to Iron Pelican Antiques in St. Petersburg, Florida.  I ended up buying three pieces of furniture -- because I just knew what I wanted when I saw it.  So here I am trying to reconcile between "If you don't know what you want, you'll end up with a lot that you don't" and "I'll know it when I see it."  Or maybe that just applies to furniture?

The retail therapy did give me a temporary reprieve from my "What's It All About, Alfie?" musings.  And ohhhh the furniture (which will be delivered Wednesday) is ohhhhhh so pretty and I got such a good deal compared to many other overpriced Tampa Bay antique stores.       

But I digress ... back to Vancouver and my multitude of Caesar cocktails with the delicious savory pepperoni garnish.  There I was - drinking my yummy cocktails and giving sly side glances to the hot waiter working the diner's counter ... oh and also trying to contemplate my future.  

My brain was spinning ... as I have often said in my life - "I wish I had a crystal ball and just some reassurance that everything will work out OK."  Which frankly is a funny thing for me to muse about, because I have (knock on wood) had the divine fortune to always land on my feet in any situation.  

My friend Nicky G once told me he never has to worry about me - I'm a cat - no matter what the circumstance, I make it out on my feet OK.  And not to sound egotistical, but he's right.  I've always managed to make lemonade out of lemons ... I may squirt myself in the eye one hundred times, but in the end all is good.  I may be wearing a bedazzled pirate eye patch because of it, but I still manage to rock it hard.  

Sometimes you have to just sit back, keep doing what you're doing, stop worrying and trust that this is the right course destiny/fate/ God/Buddha wants you to be on.  (And NO, I am NOT going to include a clip of Carrie Underwood singing "Jesus Take The Wheel" - I really am NOT.  I'm serious!)

I toddled out of the booth at Save On Meats Diner ... yes toddled ... I didn't realize that the numerous cocktails had any effect on me until I stood up and tried to walk straight and sober-like.  Ambulatory fail!  I was walking back to my hotel, so the only real danger for me was the fear of tripping over drunken feet and planting myself face first into the British Columbian cement.  I tried to look smooth and collected, but probably just looked sweaty and drunk.

I walked past a mall and decided to go in.  Shopping while intoxicated always sounds like a good idea ... at the time.  There was an Asian dollar store in the mall.  What's an Asian dollar store?  A dollar store with Asian products.  Like the fantastic Muji.us but with super inexpensive items!  It reminded me of several I had seen in Japan.  Being half-Chinese, I loves me some cheap Asian merchandise and I gleefully wandered in to the store.

Friends, loved ones, strangers -- If you follow any advice that I give on LilyOnTheLam.com, please follow this -- Don't get drunk and then go to an Asian dollar store.  Especially when you have a lot of cash and credit cards on you!

People, the whole foundation of LilyOnTheLam.Com can be summed up in this quote by Catherine Aird: "If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."

"Horrible warning, party of one ... name of Lily ... now being seated ..."

I was so cocky with my "I'll know it when I see it" mentality ... that I forgot a very important caveat -- if you're intoxicated (or distracted or not in your right mind), you may not really want what you think you want at the time.  (Can I hear an "Amen Sister" from every drunk man who took home a Coyote Ugly chick from a bar?)  So with this very important caveat, I was right back at square one with the adage: "If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot that you don't."    

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I submit to you Exhibits 1, 2 and 3 ... items purchased from the Asian dollar store in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada on the intoxicated night in question by the now sheepish-looking defendant ...  

Exhibit One

Exhibit Two

Exhibit Three

Perhaps Chuck Palahniuk should have written: "If you don't know what you want, you'll end up with a sponge in the shape of a banana where you can detach the individual banana pieces and use them if for some unknown reason you need a really small sponge."

Or:  "If you don't know what you want and you're drunk, you're going to buy a lot of tremendously cute bath products that you don't need and will feel like a dumbass when you realize you're not four years old and yet now have a collection of bath toys."

Or:  "What's It All About, Lily?  Maybe stop drunk shopping at the Asian Dollar Store and let your brain cells and wallet take a breather ... maybe then enlightenment will come to you, sister!"

Please expect to find one of the above scenarios in Mr. Palahniuk's upcoming novel, "Chick Fight Club."  I will be starring in the movie and actor Brad Pitt will play my doppelgänger, because he is basically the idealized version of me anyway.  (Insert snotty laughter here.)

I wish I had a happy ending to this blog post ... something akin to "so I pulled my head out of my ass and realized that I was in control of my life and that I need not ask what it is all about because I make my own destiny, dammit!"  But this isn't a Sandra Bullock movie.  And if it was, there would be a montage of me clothes shopping and kissing puppies ... because that's what the movie audiences want-- nay, expect-- from me.  And by God as my witness, I will deliver!  As soon as I become a top movie actress, that is.  

Also, I don't know exactly where this gets worked in but in my idealized world, I would be doing tea with Oprah Winfrey at my favorite tea room in all the world -- Podunk in New York City.  (Read about it here.)  And Oprah would say to me as she was pouring me a 2nd cup of Oolong tea that "It's all about living your best life."  

I would look her in the eye and say "Oprah honey, I am so glad you realize that having tea WITH ME is what makes your life, the best life ever."  We would laugh, but secretly Oprah would know and I would know that I was deathly serious.  I'd pass Oprah one of Podunk's amazing cupcakes and smile.

However, instead of a happy ending, an Oprah moment or a film career, I am still here - just little old me - pondering my life and my plans to redecorate my living room.  There's not even a cupcake in sight.

While I don't have an ending to this particular story, I do have a lesson to take away from it.  That lesson being that I have ascertained that I definitely do not want my emotional life nor my living room to be filled with cases of sponges shaped like bananas ... so I better keep in tune with my soul instead of just trying to blindly fill the spaces up with cute things that have little substance.  

("Cute things that have little substance" can also describe most of the men I dated in my early 20's.  Just a side note!)  

Maybe I'll never truly figure out "What's It All About?", but I have a feeling I'll be a "Better Me" for going through the exercise of asking myself the right questions versus drowning myself in cocktails.  No matter how savory or delectably garnished they might be.  

Perhaps through the process of asking myself these questions, I will be able to sort out some of my emotional baggage -- keeping the small, light-hearted carry-on stuff and leaving the steamer trunks of regret for the emotional Salvation Army to pick up and haul away. 

Until I figure it all out, I have learned to at least keep away from Asian Dollar Stores after I have been drinking ... and if that lesson is "As Good As It Gets" - it's still a pretty good lesson for not only me, but the world.  

Anyone need an Asian banana sponge?

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