There are times when relationships go awry. I have buried my head in the sand about a problem that has been festering and festering. At first, I tried to ignore it. Then, I tried to cover it up. But one day, I was staring at the big, booming, ugly truth of it. And I knew I had to act.
That relationship was between me and my toes. There was a fungus issue that my brain refused to accept. My toe nail grew creepier and creepier looking. Instead of doing something immediately to take care of it, I kept the rogue toenail covered in bright polish. I felt if no one else could see my "secret shame," I would be just fine.
Why didn't I just go to the doctor? Because a friend of a friend had this problem and I heard all sorts of horror stories about no open toe shoes (I live in Florida, people!), no nail polish for a year, pills that can hurt your liver ... and I think zombies may also eat your brain. That was too much for me to bear. Instead of consulting my own medical professional to hear the true facts, I kept covering up the ugly, crusty, mean-looking toe with more nail polish and heavy coats of denial. As if making my toe nail a dark place (with the nail polish) would actually stop a fungus that likes to grow in dark places! My denial was making the problem even worse.
Then one day I saw a Groupon for toe nail fungus laser wizardry. OK that might not have been the exact title. Perhaps it was "Laser Toe Nail Fungus Treatment." All I knew was that it was discounted laser treatment for my nasty nemesis fungal toe and it's 9 other brother and sister toes. I purchased the Groupon, but then scheduled the appointment for 2 months later. I had several vacations coming up and I had no clue what the after-care/effects of toe lasering would be. Would I be able to walk? Would all my toenails fall off? Is there any chance I could become a vampire from this? All important questions.
The two months flew by. The day before my appointment, the Laser Wizardry office (a.k.a. Ankle and Foot Center Podiatry Practice) called me and asked me to make sure I removed all nail polish from my toes before I came in, because it's flammable. I looked down at my beautifully pedicured feet that were wearing OPI's "Dim Sum Plum" and said "whaaat?" The lady on the phone made a teeth sucking sound and said "Flammable ... laser ... you know?" Huh? "OHHHH!" I said, picturing all ten of my toes spontaneously combusting into searing fingers of flame. Evidently there was a risk of my making toe shish kabobs.
I grabbed a thousand cotton balls and a giant bottle of nail polish remover and began trying to strip the "Dim Sum Plum" from my toes. Evidently the salon had used a combination of super glue with my polish because it was barely coming off. I thought about my toes on fire and kept scrubbing. There was a tiny bit of polish around the top of my big toe that I just could not get off. I fashioned a compress of nail polish remover soaked cotton pad and tied it to my toe, while dodging my cats who wanted to try to lick my toes. Chemicals are bad, kitties!
I went in to the Laser Wizardry Toe place not knowing what to expect. I had watched a You Tube video of the procedure but could not see the patient's head. Was she gagged so not to scream out in pain during the video? I had been in a self-imposed clueless denial fog about my fungal toe issue for so long, that going into a podiatry office not truly knowing about the procedure and any possible risks or side effects seemed unfortunately perfectly natural. (Don't be like me! Research it!)
The assistant came in, sat me down in a big chair and told me she was going to take a picture of my feet. Whaaaat? But they are puffy with Tevas sandal tan lines! No one warned me that there would be a photo shoot. Was it too late to call my make-up artist? She leaned in and snapped away without even saying "Say cheese!"
Then she told me she was going to spread lidocaine on my toes. She looked up at me, focused on my eyes and said in a lowered voice "For the pain." WHAAAAT?
I told her to put as much lidocaine on my toes as she wanted - in fact did she need me to dump my whole foot in a bucket of something? I'm sure I could still walk even if both feet were asleep, right? She did a quick swipe of a cold substance on both of my feet. Surely she should put some more on, right? Then she left and said the doctor would be in soon.
I have to say that the most painful aspect of toe lasering (a.k.a. Laser Toe Nail Fungus Treatment) was that the magazines in the Toe Laser room were all hunting and sport magazines from 2010 and earlier. Seriously? You're going to heat up my toe nail beds with a LASER and you can't have one issue of Entertainment Weekly or Vanity Fair to help a gal out? I'm seriously going to bring my podiatrist some new magazines. ("Thanks for the discounted Groupon deal. Here are some magazines from this year that people will actually want to read.")
Now if you're a long term reader of LilyOnTheLam.com, you will know that I present myself as sort of a fluffy cartoon character. A little more spacey and ditzy than I am in real life and a lot more diva-ish too ... or at least that's what I tell myself. But as I sat there in the big blue chair with my feet propped in front of me with this very tall man looking at my nasty feet, I squeaked a question in a voice that was pure unicorns, rainbows and cotton candy: "How long until I can wear nail polish again?"
The very tall podiatrist looked up at me with an incredulous look as if he could not have possibly heard what he thought he heard. "Huh?"
"How long until I can wear nail polish on my toes again? You know, like get a pedicure and all that?" My voice was so chirpy, the Lollipop Guild was probably doing a "Welcome to Munchkinland" dance behind me.
The very tall podiatrist squinted at me. He paused as if contemplating about whether he should launch into a lecture that the health of my fungus-attacked nail bed was a lot more important than sporting the latest cute shade of OPI nail polish. He must have decided against it, because he looked down at my feet and then grumbled "At least six months."
My jaw dropped and I made a noise that one would make if you watched a room full of kittens being strangled, one by one. This startled the podiatrist so much, that he jumped back. Or maybe it was just the smell of my feet that had him stumbling backwards.
"Six months? Are you serious? Six months?" I gasped in the same tone as one would say "You killed my mother? Are you serious? You killed my mother?"
He shrugged and said "Maybe more. I am going to give you a prescription with a refill that will last a year."
"A YEAR!" I shrieked.
The podiatrist handed me a big sun visor thing (a.k.a. sunglasses), evidently he would prefer to be lasering my toes while I made bleating noises like a kitten crying for its mama.
He sat down and leaned in to my left foot and said "OK, we're gonna start." With the same tone as a tattoo artist about to embark on doing a full body tattoo. Oh my God ... we're starting? What do I do? I grabbed a magazine with a big deer on the cover with one hand and dug my nails into my leg with the other. I always try to trick my body through distraction - when I get a shot, I pinch my leg really hard to confuse my pain receptors.
Surprisingly I didn't feel a thing for the first couple toes, but when Very Tall Podiatrist reached my big toe he said "Next time you come in, make sure all your toe nail polish is off." I felt little needle like jabs and then I could smell burning. Uh oh, was my toe on fire? Wouldn't the podiatrist tell me if it was?
The left foot was done, now on to the right. The first two toes definitely had some needle jabbing slight pain sensation. But after that, the left foot was quickly finished. Then I saw the podiatrist go back and start working on the right foot again. Wait a minute, how often do we do this? I asked the podiatrist how many passes he makes with the laser. He looked at me like I was a few bricks short of a load and he said "Well I don't count." WHAAAAAT? How many times do you do this if you can't even keep track? Were we going to do each toe 10 times? Fifty times? Someone tell the Med Assistant I am going to need some more hunting magazines!
The procedure didn't take long, the podiatrist did another sweep across my toes and then did a more focused lasering of certain toes. He talked with me about aftercare. I braced myself and asked the question I had been scared to ask-- "Can I still keep wearing open toe shoes?" He said "Yeah sure, that's not a problem." I could have kissed him!!!
A compounding pharmacy is mixing up my toenail treatment that I will have to paint on every day, twice a day, for six months, maybe longer. I'm still in shell-shocked denial that I will be nail polish-less for six months at least. I think this is Jesus' way of telling me not to try the new Kardashian color collection from OPI.
On the drive home, I stopped to buy the following ...
That relationship was between me and my toes. There was a fungus issue that my brain refused to accept. My toe nail grew creepier and creepier looking. Instead of doing something immediately to take care of it, I kept the rogue toenail covered in bright polish. I felt if no one else could see my "secret shame," I would be just fine.
Why didn't I just go to the doctor? Because a friend of a friend had this problem and I heard all sorts of horror stories about no open toe shoes (I live in Florida, people!), no nail polish for a year, pills that can hurt your liver ... and I think zombies may also eat your brain. That was too much for me to bear. Instead of consulting my own medical professional to hear the true facts, I kept covering up the ugly, crusty, mean-looking toe with more nail polish and heavy coats of denial. As if making my toe nail a dark place (with the nail polish) would actually stop a fungus that likes to grow in dark places! My denial was making the problem even worse.
Then one day I saw a Groupon for toe nail fungus laser wizardry. OK that might not have been the exact title. Perhaps it was "Laser Toe Nail Fungus Treatment." All I knew was that it was discounted laser treatment for my nasty nemesis fungal toe and it's 9 other brother and sister toes. I purchased the Groupon, but then scheduled the appointment for 2 months later. I had several vacations coming up and I had no clue what the after-care/effects of toe lasering would be. Would I be able to walk? Would all my toenails fall off? Is there any chance I could become a vampire from this? All important questions.
The two months flew by. The day before my appointment, the Laser Wizardry office (a.k.a. Ankle and Foot Center Podiatry Practice) called me and asked me to make sure I removed all nail polish from my toes before I came in, because it's flammable. I looked down at my beautifully pedicured feet that were wearing OPI's "Dim Sum Plum" and said "whaaat?" The lady on the phone made a teeth sucking sound and said "Flammable ... laser ... you know?" Huh? "OHHHH!" I said, picturing all ten of my toes spontaneously combusting into searing fingers of flame. Evidently there was a risk of my making toe shish kabobs.
I grabbed a thousand cotton balls and a giant bottle of nail polish remover and began trying to strip the "Dim Sum Plum" from my toes. Evidently the salon had used a combination of super glue with my polish because it was barely coming off. I thought about my toes on fire and kept scrubbing. There was a tiny bit of polish around the top of my big toe that I just could not get off. I fashioned a compress of nail polish remover soaked cotton pad and tied it to my toe, while dodging my cats who wanted to try to lick my toes. Chemicals are bad, kitties!
I went in to the Laser Wizardry Toe place not knowing what to expect. I had watched a You Tube video of the procedure but could not see the patient's head. Was she gagged so not to scream out in pain during the video? I had been in a self-imposed clueless denial fog about my fungal toe issue for so long, that going into a podiatry office not truly knowing about the procedure and any possible risks or side effects seemed unfortunately perfectly natural. (Don't be like me! Research it!)
The assistant came in, sat me down in a big chair and told me she was going to take a picture of my feet. Whaaaat? But they are puffy with Tevas sandal tan lines! No one warned me that there would be a photo shoot. Was it too late to call my make-up artist? She leaned in and snapped away without even saying "Say cheese!"
Then she told me she was going to spread lidocaine on my toes. She looked up at me, focused on my eyes and said in a lowered voice "For the pain." WHAAAAT?
I told her to put as much lidocaine on my toes as she wanted - in fact did she need me to dump my whole foot in a bucket of something? I'm sure I could still walk even if both feet were asleep, right? She did a quick swipe of a cold substance on both of my feet. Surely she should put some more on, right? Then she left and said the doctor would be in soon.
I have to say that the most painful aspect of toe lasering (a.k.a. Laser Toe Nail Fungus Treatment) was that the magazines in the Toe Laser room were all hunting and sport magazines from 2010 and earlier. Seriously? You're going to heat up my toe nail beds with a LASER and you can't have one issue of Entertainment Weekly or Vanity Fair to help a gal out? I'm seriously going to bring my podiatrist some new magazines. ("Thanks for the discounted Groupon deal. Here are some magazines from this year that people will actually want to read.")
Now if you're a long term reader of LilyOnTheLam.com, you will know that I present myself as sort of a fluffy cartoon character. A little more spacey and ditzy than I am in real life and a lot more diva-ish too ... or at least that's what I tell myself. But as I sat there in the big blue chair with my feet propped in front of me with this very tall man looking at my nasty feet, I squeaked a question in a voice that was pure unicorns, rainbows and cotton candy: "How long until I can wear nail polish again?"
The very tall podiatrist looked up at me with an incredulous look as if he could not have possibly heard what he thought he heard. "Huh?"
"How long until I can wear nail polish on my toes again? You know, like get a pedicure and all that?" My voice was so chirpy, the Lollipop Guild was probably doing a "Welcome to Munchkinland" dance behind me.
The very tall podiatrist squinted at me. He paused as if contemplating about whether he should launch into a lecture that the health of my fungus-attacked nail bed was a lot more important than sporting the latest cute shade of OPI nail polish. He must have decided against it, because he looked down at my feet and then grumbled "At least six months."
My jaw dropped and I made a noise that one would make if you watched a room full of kittens being strangled, one by one. This startled the podiatrist so much, that he jumped back. Or maybe it was just the smell of my feet that had him stumbling backwards.
"Six months? Are you serious? Six months?" I gasped in the same tone as one would say "You killed my mother? Are you serious? You killed my mother?"
He shrugged and said "Maybe more. I am going to give you a prescription with a refill that will last a year."
"A YEAR!" I shrieked.
The podiatrist handed me a big sun visor thing (a.k.a. sunglasses), evidently he would prefer to be lasering my toes while I made bleating noises like a kitten crying for its mama.
He sat down and leaned in to my left foot and said "OK, we're gonna start." With the same tone as a tattoo artist about to embark on doing a full body tattoo. Oh my God ... we're starting? What do I do? I grabbed a magazine with a big deer on the cover with one hand and dug my nails into my leg with the other. I always try to trick my body through distraction - when I get a shot, I pinch my leg really hard to confuse my pain receptors.
Surprisingly I didn't feel a thing for the first couple toes, but when Very Tall Podiatrist reached my big toe he said "Next time you come in, make sure all your toe nail polish is off." I felt little needle like jabs and then I could smell burning. Uh oh, was my toe on fire? Wouldn't the podiatrist tell me if it was?
The left foot was done, now on to the right. The first two toes definitely had some needle jabbing slight pain sensation. But after that, the left foot was quickly finished. Then I saw the podiatrist go back and start working on the right foot again. Wait a minute, how often do we do this? I asked the podiatrist how many passes he makes with the laser. He looked at me like I was a few bricks short of a load and he said "Well I don't count." WHAAAAAT? How many times do you do this if you can't even keep track? Were we going to do each toe 10 times? Fifty times? Someone tell the Med Assistant I am going to need some more hunting magazines!
The procedure didn't take long, the podiatrist did another sweep across my toes and then did a more focused lasering of certain toes. He talked with me about aftercare. I braced myself and asked the question I had been scared to ask-- "Can I still keep wearing open toe shoes?" He said "Yeah sure, that's not a problem." I could have kissed him!!!
A compounding pharmacy is mixing up my toenail treatment that I will have to paint on every day, twice a day, for six months, maybe longer. I'm still in shell-shocked denial that I will be nail polish-less for six months at least. I think this is Jesus' way of telling me not to try the new Kardashian color collection from OPI.
On the drive home, I stopped to buy the following ...
If I can't cover my rogue toe nail with nail polish, then it's going to be sporting a Hello Kitty bandage. For apparently six months ... waaaaaaah!!! Oh I know what you're thinking - won't I draw more attention to my nasty toes if one is wearing a bright pink bandage with a cat on it?
I would rather have fifty people notice my toe with a pink bandage on it than ten people notice my scary, gross, brownish fungus toe nail. Yes, I am that vain and that crazy.
I could ramble on about how if I had not been so set in denial I could have treated the fungus toe early on before it became fully entrenched in my nail bed. But really do I need to be my own "told you so" girl? I finally did what I needed to do and hopefully my toe will get better in a timely manner.
My first experience with a laser treatment went very well. Barely any discomfort and was over quickly. And no vampirism or zombie brain eating. Win-win!
P.S. Since my laser treatment went well, maybe I need to expand my search for a laser hair removal company ... I could be both fungus free and have silky smooth, hair free skin! Win-win indeed!
Google Affiliate Ads - a better kind of fungus!
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