New Product Wednesday: Fred and Friends Wine Monkey Sock

Hello Lily on the Lam Readers:

I have been woefully amiss at blogging of late.  Upon returning from 2 1/2 weeks in India and bringing back a severe case of bronchitis as the "ultimate souvenir, "I finally am about 99% recuperated after 3 weeks, a lot of liquids, a lot of Vitamin C and some heavy antibiotics.

I chose to celebrate my recovery to health by leaving sunny, warm Florida and tromping up to chilly, snowy, slushy New York City.  I had inadvertently timed my visit to coincide with the first big snow of the season.  Murphy's Law, of course!

It really wasn't a huge snow - I went to grad school in Buffalo, New York where 40 inches could drop overnight!  But even with the minimal amount of snow, my Floridian blood wasn't crazy about the cold and intermittent icy hail.  However, I have a lot of great material for future blog posts from my 3 day weekend in New York City.  Including a fantastic lunch at Chef Floyd Cardoz's new restaurant, North End Grill.  I arrived for lunch 2 days after North End Grill received their liquor license.  Coincidence?  I think not!

I also look forward to blogging about a single, childless woman's forced excursion to the American Girl doll store on 5th Avenue in New York City.  It was eye-opening and a bit terrifying!  So keep posted to LilyOnTheLam.com - I have some fun adventures that I will be writing about eventually!  Someone needs to lock my MacBook Air and I into a Starbucks!  Need to write!

Since returning from New York City, I have been on hyper-drive preparing for my annual Gasparilla party.  For those of you not in the Tampa Bay area, Gasparilla (named after Jose Gaspar) is our annual Pirate festival - very much like Mardi Gras in New Orleans.  Beads, booze and public intoxication.  Oh ... and pirates.  It is a great time.  I will be spending this Saturday, mixing too many different kinds of alcohol in one sad stomach.  Please pray for me and send antacids!

Despite the party planning, I could not miss writing a post for New Product Wednesday.  In honor of my NYC trip, I am going to focus on a purchase I made in New York at one of my favorite kitschy, "everything under the sun" stores - Pearl River Mart in SoHo.  It is an Asian store - what better place to be for the start of Chinese New Year and the year of the Dragon?  One year, I bought my friend DDR's children little karate outfits there.  I think it kickstarted their Ninja phase.  Pearl River sells a lot of beautiful Asian robes.  They are lovely gifts.

I bought a ton of fabulous knick knacks.  I know I am materialistic when little purchases make me soooo happy.  Most of the things I bought, I really don't need ... but like I said, they make me sooooo happy.  And that is the genesis for my purchase of the Fred and Friends Wine Monkey Sock!  I have sock monkey slippers.  I have sock monkey stationary.  Why not have a sock monkey to fit on a bottle of wine?  I should have bought several of these and put them on bottles of wine for gifts, but I'm greedy!  I just bought one for myself!

The Fred and Friends website has better pictures of the Wine Monkey, but here's a picture of the box to give you an idea:

I am going to start marking my life as BWM and AWM - Before Wine Monkey and After Wine Monkey.  I could not resist the sock monkey cuteness and the fact that you can be ultra-cute and incorporate it with alcohol, win-win!

If you're looking for a fun, wacky gift for yourself or for friends-- check out the Wine Monkey!

New Product Wednesdays: FIVE NEW PRODUCTS for Fabulous Salad Fixins ...

No one would ever confuse me with Martha Stewart.  EVER.  I tend to choose recipes based on how short and uncomplicated they are.  But I love recipes that make it look like I slaved all day.  Today's blog post shares one of my favorite recipes that look complicated, but is soooooo easy to make.

One of my favorite recipe websites is Rachel Rappaport's Coconut and Lime.   Last January, I threw a large party for the Tampa Bay area's biggest all day pirate party and wild drinking festival - The Gasparilla Pirate Festival.  I wanted to spend my time enjoying cocktails with my guests, not being tied to the kitchen.  So I whipped out the Crock Pot slow cookers.  I laid out trays of flavored tortilla wraps and julienned veggies.  Then in the slow cookers - in one I had pulled chicken tossed in a Buffalo hot wing sauce.  In the other slow cooker, I had Rachel Rappaport's recipe for Blueberry Pulled Pork.  Rachel's recipe is ridiculously easy to put together.  Throw a few ingredients in a slow cooker and cook on low.  Rachel's recipe says to cook on low for 8-10 hours but I usually do 12 hours so that the pork roast falls apart.  My guests helped themselves to pork and buffalo chicken wraps all day and I could help myself to plenty of cocktails and great conversation.

As Gasparilla 2012 is approaching, I remembered Rachel's fabulous recipe and was craving Blueberry Pulled Pork but on a salad.  Since this is New Product Wednesday, I'll be sharing information on several "new products" (new to me) that I put on my "Everything but the kitchen sink Blueberry Pulled Pork Salad."

Now traditionally, pulled pork salads include black beans, cheddar cheese, corn kernels, tortilla strips and a fatty dressing.  Now don't get me wrong - that sounds incredibly delicious.  But I wanted to try to lighten up my salad a little bit.  No starchy corn, no cheese, no deep fried tortilla strips, no fatty dressing.  But I did add in a few items that are probably just as bad.  So take a look at what I put on my salad and feel free to omit the unhealthy items!

I woke up early and threw a pork roast into the slow cooker using Rachel's recipe for Blueberry Pulled Pork.  I doubled the number of garlic cloves and blueberries that Rachel's recipe called for and cooked on low for 12 hours.

After 12 hours, the contents of the slow cooker looked like this ...

I removed the pork roast from the slow cooker and it was already falling apart tender.

Using two forks, I pulled the pork roast into shreds.  Meanwhile, I mashed up the sauce that remained in the slow cooker.

I then took the shredded/pulled pork and put it back in the slow cooker and thoroughly combined it with the sauce.

At this point, I recommend you could serve delicious pulled pork sandwiches on Hawaiian sweet bread.  Makes a great meal.  However, I was in the mood for a big salad.

Lily On The Lam Readers may know that I have an affinity for serving ware with cats on it.  But today, we're going fishy ...  This is one of my favorite "Big Salad" serving platters.  It easily holds salad for 2-4 people or one incredibly hungry person.

I purchased this fish-shaped platter at Oceanic Supermarket in Tampa, Florida.  I love Asian grocery stores!  I started my Monster-sized salad with sliced hearts of romaine and diced red onion.

I love salads chock fill of vegetables.  I halved big cherry tomatoes and threw them in.  Remember, I'm not a food stylist!

Next, sliced cucumbers and sliced carrots.  OK I cheated, the carrots came pre-sliced.  I didn't use a french fry wavy cutter on them.  At least I am honest, people!

Next up- diced red bell peppers (or capsicum, if you're Australian/British).  I love bell peppers.  They are chock full of Vitamin C and add a juicy crunch.  I also added sliced celery.  You may also want to try water chestnuts if you're looking for a crunch without adding fat/calories of nuts or croutons.

Now to add in some richness but a healthy fat - I diced avocado and then squeezed lemon juice on the avocado so it would not brown/oxidize quickly.

And since it's New Product Wednesday, I grabbed some summer sausage sticks from Nueske's.  If you want the best bacon in the world, check out Nueske's of Wisconsin.  It is insanely good.  Their summer sausage is pretty darn tasty too!  The summer sausage brought out the smokiness of the pulled pork and added a decadent richness to my salad.

My salad with one chopped up Nueske's Summer Sausage stick on it.

 And don't forget the blueberry pulled pork!  I made three little mounds of gently warmed pulled pork on top of the salad.  This would make a hearty appetizer salad for 3-4 people.

Because of the richness of the avocado, summer sausage and pulled pork, I wanted a light dressing.  And since it's New Product Wednesday, I chose Wishbone Salad Spritzers Balsamic Breeze vinaigrette dressing spray.  I have used their Caesar and their Italian and was happy that the Balsamic Breeze packed a great punch too.  

I sprayed the top of my salad with this tart dressing spray.  But while I saved calories by using a salad spritzer, I had to add some fat and decadence with another New Product Wednesday item: Fresh Gourmet Garlic Pepper Crispy Onions.  I seriously could eat these yummy garlic pepper crispy onions on anything.  They add a crispy, buttery, oniony crunch and they are so good.  I won't use regular fried onions in my green bean casserole again.  The garlic pepper ones are amazing.

And with a generous dusting of Fresh Gourmet Garlic Pepper Crispy Onions, my monster everything but the kitchen sink salad was complete.  Look at it - total monster!

I knew I needed a smaller plate for myself ... lucky I had a little fish dish!  My biggest regret was not buying more of the little fish platters.  Sigh ...

But wait!  It's New Product Wednesday - I need to add some heat to this salad, before serving.  I found Victoria Taylor's Seasonings Jalapeño Pepper Flakes at Rolling Pin Kitchen Emporium in Brandon, Florida.  This product is fantastic.  When I want to add a bit of heat, a sprinkle of jalapeño pepper flakes does the trick.

And for a little more heat and smoky complex flavor, I sprinkled on a dash of Target's Archer Farms ground chipotle peppers.

This heavenly, rich, decadent salad made four servings and utilized over a month's worth of New Product Wednesday items!  Check out the great products in your next salad!

New Product Wednesday: Cute Man and Smoked Sea Salt

Hello Lily On The Lam Readers!

I am back in the United States!  I was in India for 2 1/2 weeks and I brought home the souvenir that keeps on giving - bronchitis!  But as it is "New Product Wednesday," I couldn't let another day go by without writing.

Today is a particular bad ass bandit's birthday - so a Happy Birthday to a cute man who may or may not be receiving a boxing camel pen from Abu Dhabi as his birthday gift!

Since, I came home with bronchitis - when I returned from India, I ran to my nearest Publix for a rotisserie chicken to make my version of homemade chicken soup.  I take a rotisserie chicken, strip the meat from the bones like I'm some crazy caveman, then place the remains (carcass!) in a large pot of water and bring to a boil.  I add in whatever spices and aromatics I can find - fresh grated ginger, pulverized lemongrass, whole peppercorns, chopped onions, crushed garlic, bay leaves ... throw it on in there.  When I'm sick, I like to throw in a lot of dried red chili flakes into the stock.  It makes a fiery, spicy stock that really cleans out my sinuses.

Once the pot comes to a boil, I reduce the heat to a simmer and continue to cook for 2-3 hours.  The longer the better.  If you have a lot of time, I put this mixture into a slow cooker and cook on low for 24 hours - adding additional water as necessary.

After cooking, strain the chicken stock through a clean piece of cheesecloth.  I like to put the stock in the fridge overnight and then scoop off the chicken fat from the top.  I then take the defatted stock and bring to a simmer.  I add in diced vegetables and cooked rotisserie chicken with a grind of Trader Joe's Smoked Sea Salt.  I only use the sea salt if I have made the chicken stock myself.  Canned or boxed chicken stock tends to be too salty as it is.

The final result is a delicious, tasty way to soothe a nasty case of bronchitis.  Try New Product Wednesday's Trader Joe's Smoked Sea Salt!

I didn't defat this particular batch of stock - so it appears fattier than I normally would eat.  However you'll see a lot of red chili flakes - this batch really cleared out my sinuses.  I felt healthier just eating this soup!

And I know what you're going to ask next ... is that bowl, a cat bowl?

Um maybe ...

And your next question ... is that spoon, a cat spoon?

Ummm ... maybe.  The serving utensils came from Oceanic Supermarket in Tampa, Florida.  I love Asian grocery stores as much as I love funky serving ware with cats on it!

Thanks to some powerful antibiotics, I am feeling much better - so a Happy Birthday to the Bad Ass Bandit, a Happy New Year to all my readers and a promise that I will be blogging a lot more in the weeks to come!

Happy Holidays!

New Product Wednesdays: Hello Kitty Egg Mold

Do you feel like your life is missing something?  That you're almost the 100% perfect version of yourself, if only one little piece was put in place?

I know what you're searching for ... even if you do not.

This New Product Wednesday is the missing piece of your life ...

A Sanrio Hello Kitty Egg Mold - so that every hard boiled egg you eat can have the molded imprinted face of Hello Kitty on it.

I know.  It's too good to be true.

Just place an extra large still hot, hard boiled egg in the bottom of the pink mold and strap on the top mold piece and you will have an egg lookalike of Miss Hello Kitty.

This is a perfect treat for the special kid in your life or insane older woman with a Hello Kitty obsession.

Check it out!

Operation Kitchen Aid - The Great Adventure Begins

I am not the world's best chef and I am certainly not the world's best baker.  My culinary training consists of watching Top Chef, Top Chef Masters and Top Chef Just Desserts ... oh and playing drinking games while watching Paula Deen (do a shot every time Paula applauds BUTTER!)  Unless I am entertaining, my culinary dinner creations tend to be such impressive dishes like a container of yogurt or some veggies and hummus.  Despite my chef inadequacies, I do have to say that I have a deep and personal love for my Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer.  It is pink - in honor of breast cancer awareness.  (Between you and me, it was more in honor of my love for pink; but partial proceeds went to the Susan G. Komen foundation, so win-win!)  I probably use my Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer about 5 times a year, but each and every time I love that I have it.

So when I decided to go to India for vacation, I made sure to schedule a stop in Chennai, India to visit a former co-worker ("P.S.") and his family.  I asked P.S. if there was anything I could bring him from America.  His answer?  A Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer!  He was pro-cookie and hoped with a Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer, his wife would make cookies more often.  I am also pro-cookie and pro-Kitchen Aid Stand Mixers.  I could not blame my Chennai Friend for wanting a Stand Mixer, but man couldn't he have requested a lighter item?  He said the mixer weighed 27 pounds, but I assumed that was before the box and packaging.  Was this favor of bringing a stand mixer going to bankrupt me in excess luggage fees?

Given airport security and baggage weight limits, the thought of lugging a heavy stand mixer to a foreign country did not sound like a cake walk.  Would the TSA even let me bring this through?  Would Customs in India have a fit?  Is it possible to deny a visitor entrance into a country because of a mixer?  What if TSA thought I was a terrorist?  Would I be known as the Stand Mixer Mayhem Maker?  I'm too pretty to go to jail!  What if the stand mixer broke from being bounced around baggage chutes from Tampa to Chicago to Delhi to Chennai?  That's a lot of connections, a lot of flights and a lot of moving around.  This adventure had "disaster" written all over it!  This could be a very expensive mistake.

But my friend in Chennai is a great guy, so I was willing to try to get the Mixer to Chennai, India in one piece.  Life without crazy adventures is just plain old boring.  So I said "OK order the mixer and have it sent to my house."  Operation Kitchen Aid had begun!

I purchased two accessories for the mixer as a Christmas gift (a splatter guard and the ice cream maker accessory) and my friend had the Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer shipped to me from Amazon.com.  My first concern was whether I'd have a suitcase big enough to fit it all.  Luckily, I had purchased a large rolling Nautica duffel for a one month trip to Malaysia that I took in March 2011.  I danced around giddily when I figured out that the items did indeed fit!

Keep your fingers crossed for me that the Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer in color Cinnamon (a.k.a. Red) makes it to Chennai in one piece!

I'll keep you posted!

An Awkward A Capella for the New Year or When I First Discovered I Could Never Be A Cougar

Happy New Year 2012, LilyOnTheLam.com Readers!


I hope this New Year finds you well and not passed out in your own vomit.  (Yes, I know I should be writing for Hallmark!)  I have a little secret for you - I pre-wrote most of my holiday blog posts.  As you are reading this, I am on the other side of the world from my home - on vacation.  I look forward to posting a lot of blog posts about my latest trip when I return.


From the comments and emails I receive from internet readers, I know that many people find my restaurant reviews and new product reviews to be interesting and informative (and perhaps a little too much about Hello Kitty- ha ha!)  But it's the humiliating tales of bad dates, friendships gone wrong and my overall wayward, crazy life that seem to have the most long-lasting impact on my blog readers.  (And by long-lasting impact, I probably mean "deep emotional scarring" - read LilyOnTheLam.com at your own risk!)


For the first day of 2012, I have decided to give you masochistic lovelies (I mean, devoted readers) what you seem to appreciate best - another tale from Lily's crazy wayward dating life.  I strongly recommend that you go to Village Inn (or Baker's Square) and see if they still have their artificially-flavored and crazy, ridiculously good Candy Cane Pie.  Get a slice or the whole damn pie, then curl up somewhere with LilyOnTheLam.Com and enjoy this post as you ring in the New Year.  Is this a blatant attempt to give people a justifiable excuse to eat pie on New Year's?  Yes ... and you're welcome!

When I was 28 years old, I was living in the suburbs of Minneapolis and on and off dating a cruel, heartless bastard who I shall refer to as "Burke."  Sadly for me, this on and off dating would carry on for eight years and a million calories.  It was so emotionally devastating that it should be used as a case history in psychology textbooks on how low a woman's self-esteem can go.  Please send electronic payments for book royalties to LilyOnTheLam@gmail.com.


It was during one of the "off periods" from Burke that I decided I was going to find a new man!  I was partially successful in my quest - I found a new boy.  A 20 year old who had dropped out of community college, was unemployed and was living with his parents.  WIN-WIN-WIN!!  Did I mention that my self-esteem was at an all-time low?  Now I will shallowly admit that this boy/man was 6'5", thick head of scruffy blond-brown hair, gorgeous face and the muscled out body of a line backer.  I was in lust and was willing to overlook all the screaming red flags about this guy at a chance for a serious make-out session with him.  People please, I already admitted I was shallow.  Stop rolling your eyes!


For purposes of this blog, let's call this guy "Escalator Boy" for reasons that will become apparent later on in this blog post.  YES, I expect you to continue reading; you can read and eat pie at the same time - c'mon, you're talented!


Escalator Boy had been a star baseball player at his small high school.  Which was surprising to me, since his physique screamed "star football player."  His high school fame and notoriety had gone completely to his head.  He assumed that his future career would be a major league pro baseball player.  He was so certain of this, that he made no other contingency plans.


When college time came around, Escalator Boy was offered a full ride baseball scholarship to a local community college.  (Who knew community colleges had baseball teams??)  Escalator Boy was so certain that his future was to be a Major League baseball player that he figured free college was a great idea.  I don't think he thought through how many pro baseball scouts are looking at the local community college.  My knowledge of baseball is limited to seeing the Jonah Hill-Brad Pitt movie "Moneyball."  So perhaps I am wrong, perhaps the local community colleges are teeming with eager beaver pro scouts.  But I am betting that is incorrect.


Escalator Boy quickly flunked out of community college.  Apparently, he didn't think he needed to study since he knew he was destined to be a Major League baseball player.  Escalator Boy had been living with his parents, unemployed and flunked out of community college for almost two years before I met him.  He was sadly beginning to realize that maybe he wouldn't be a Major League baseball player after all.  And he didn't know how else he was going to be rich and famous.  Going back to school and/or getting a job did not seem like ways to reach his goal of fame and wealth.  So instead he just hung out around Minneapolis, while his friends were all in college.


One day, prior to my meeting him, Escalator Boy figured out how he was going to become rich and famous.  He was going to be a singer!  He would be like the boy banders - but a solo act, because seriously who wants to be dancing on stage sharing the spotlight with other guys?


Perhaps it was my great fortune (NOT!) to have met Escalator Boy during his planning on how he would be the next big singing sensation.  My dates with Escalator Boy comprised of the following: Escalator Boy recounting his high school baseball victories and how he was 100% positive he'd become the next biggest singing sensation.  And meanwhile, I'd be devising plans on how to get him naked.  (We already covered that I am shallow.  I am not going to apologize again!)


Escalator Boy was a decent singer.  He had a nice voice, but it just sounded like a regular voice you'd hear in your local church choir.  It was not magnificent and it had no special distinctive quality.  Also, while he was attractive - he was too lumbering and big to fit the "skinny, non-sexually threatening" boy band fans.  It was like shoving Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson at crowds wanting Justin Bieber.


Let's do the math here -- non-distinctive OK voice, too manly and old for the non-sexual boy band mold and no ambition to make anything happen.  Not the recipe for long-lasting commercial success in the music industry.


Perhaps it was because Escalator Boy flunked out of community college that he could not do the math on his situation, although I think it was more denial.  He wanted to be rich and famous.  He didn't want to work hard.  He thought just wanting to be a famous singer was enough to turn him into one.


Escalator Boy did have a plan though - he decided that he was going to be DISCOVERED.


Now Minneapolis, Minnesota has some great musical roots - The Replacements; Prince; The Time (who doesn't love some Morris Day??); the absolutely, positively wonderful and amazing Dan Wilson and Semisonic; Bob Mould and Husker Du; Soul Asylum; Tapes 'n Tapes; Babes in Toyland; even the wacky, wizardly wonderland of HarMar Superstar (the best artist to be named after a local mall)... but it's not like talent scouts are lurking in the bushes.  Escalator Boy decided that his best way to "BE DISCOVERED" was to start singing in random places.  And eventually one of these talent scouts would pop out and say "Hey kid, I'm gonna make you A STAR!"


One day, Escalator Boy and I were at the mall.  (Where else do you hang out with an unemployed 20 year old who lives with his parents?)  We were taking the escalator down to the bottom level of the mall, when Escalator Boy just broke out in loud song.


Now side note here - I am a wild, flamboyant personality - but I don't like to needlessly draw the attention of strangers nor be embarrassed publicly.  Having this beefy 6'5" guy start singing boy band tunes loudly on an escalator at a mall was so embarrassing to me, I probably would have felt more comfortable if I was just naked in front of strangers.  97 percent of the people on the escalator looked at us like we were nuts.  Yes, looked at "us" - as if the fact that I was standing next to the escalator singer made me equally as insane.  (The other 3 percent were desperately trying to pretend they couldn't hear Escalator Boy.)  One guy clapped his hands and said "Nice voice, man!"  Escalator Boy only focused on the one compliment.  He was obliviously to the people around him wondering if he was an escaped mental patient.  Escalator Boy was dead certain that he was only one impromptu A Capella song away from being discovered!  And that he'd be rich within a week from that date.


Lust will make you do stupid things.  I went on a total of four dates with this guy and he sang in public places during three of the four dates.  And not once did a talent scout come over.  I had endured public humiliation, now I was ready to reap some hedonistic rewards in exchange!  I had invited Escalator Boy to visit my home.  We stopped at Blockbuster video first to get a movie.  I didn't care what movie we saw, because in my lust-addled mind I was hoping/expecting that we'd be making out on my couch by the time the first scene started.


Escalator Boy had been intently perusing the video titles.  This was probably the most productive activity he had undertaken all day and he performed his task with the deep intensity of a pediatric surgeon operating on a baby's heart.  And then - EUREKA!  He had found "THE movie" to make our night complete!  He started jumping up and down - THIS was the movie we HAD to see!  He was so excited!!  He had struck gold!


What movie could have made Escalator Boy so excited?  He was so giddy and so proud of himself.  It was if he thought the movie in his hands would bring about world peace and everyone would get a recording contract!  Was this a DVD version of Oprah Winfrey?  By sliding it in my DVD player, would "YOU GET A CAR!  YOU GET WORLD PEACE!  YOU'RE THE NEXT SINGING SENSATION!" occur?


He definitely had my curiosity going.  What could this movie possibly be?  And as a big time movie fan, had I already seen it?


Smiling at me with such pride in himself, he handed over the DVD box to me.  I looked down at the cover art.  It was ...


Bounce with Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck.


What the f**k?


I love a good chick movie, but come on!  BOUNCE?  Gwyneth and Ben overcoming the odds in this "romantic drama"?  Retch, vomit, retch!  You have got to be kidding me!


Do you know what is a gigantic libido killer?  Watching a 6'5" muscular man jump up and down at a Blockbuster video, squealing with delight that they have a copy of "Bounce" to rent.  I should have faked uterine cramps and sent this guy on his way home.  But part of me was still holding out hope that we would be getting freaky naked on the couch while "Bounce" was playing and therefore I wouldn't have to actually watch the movie.


We headed back to my modest suburban town home.  Escalator Boy beelined straight for my refrigerator.  Um, yes, welcome to my home.  Help yourself apparently.  He flung open my fridge and let out another childish squeal.  He giddily asked me if he could have a beer.  Now again, I was 28 years old.  Escalator Boy was 20, under the legal drinking age in Minnesota.  Do you know what another gigantic libido killer is?  Having a hulking man child get all frantically excited thinking he can have an illegal beer in my home.  Evidently, one of the pluses of dating an "older woman" is the potential opportunity of getting some free, illegal beer.  I hoped he wouldn't start asking me to make liquor store runs for him.  What on Earth was I doing with this guy?  


Escalator Boy then turned on the TV and let out a noise I only hear when middle-school girls see Justin Bieber.  It was a high pitched shriek of joy.  What in the world could be making this particular estrogen-laden noise come from such a buff specimen of testosterone?  I looked at the TV - it was some generic awards show.  The kind that random cable channels put on to try to get stars to attend.  I failed to see what was so fantabulous about it.


"What?  What is so exciting?"  I asked, already perturbed at hearing this tall, muscular man squealing like a girl.  My lust was already packing its bags, ready to catch the first flight out of here.


"THE BACKSTREET BOYS ARE GOING TO PERFORM!!!!"  Escalator Boy screamed!


When I look back upon this night, I repeatedly kick myself that I did not haul the guy out of my house right then and there.  Because if I had, I would not have had to endure the then lecture from Escalator Boy on why "The Backstreet Boys" are the best boy band in the entire world.  Nay, the universe.


I could have happily lived my entire life without ever having to hear this lecture.  But no .... I sat on the couch and let Escalator Boy go point by agonizing point into why the Backstreet Boys rocked it hard.


After the Backstreet Boys performed, Escalator Boy - in a puddle of girlish glee - then was ready to watch "Bounce."


The movie sucked ... hard.  Escalator Boy was ENCHANTED.  I did not even get a kiss or a grope.  Escalator Boy was way too into the movie to put the moves on me.


LOSE - LOSE - LOSE.


Escalator Boy was quite confused as to why I never returned any of his calls after that night.  I think the greatest gift Escalator Boy gave me is that I swore off dating anyone that much younger than me.  Any thoughts of being a cougar in my later years have been violently refuted by my time with Escalator Boy.


I wonder what Escalator Boy finally did with his life.  Or is he still living at home with his parents trying to think of low effort ways to become rich and famous?


My wish for you, LilyOnTheLam.com readers, is that you have a happy and productive 2012, but if you're waiting for a talent scout to just happen upon you and "discover" you - get a new plan.  It didn't work for Escalator Boy and it won't work for you.  If you have a dream, put action behind your intentions!


And don't watch the movie "Bounce" thinking you'll somehow get a hot, sweaty make out session for it.  You'll only be sadly disappointed.


Happy New Year!  (And save me a slice of pie!)