Happy New Year 2012, LilyOnTheLam.com Readers!
I hope this New Year finds you well and not passed out in your own vomit. (Yes, I know I should be writing for Hallmark!) I have a little secret for you - I pre-wrote most of my holiday blog posts. As you are reading this, I am on the other side of the world from my home - on vacation. I look forward to posting a lot of blog posts about my latest trip when I return.
From the comments and emails I receive from internet readers, I know that many people find my restaurant reviews and new product reviews to be interesting and informative (and perhaps a little too much about Hello Kitty- ha ha!) But it's the humiliating tales of bad dates, friendships gone wrong and my overall wayward, crazy life that seem to have the most long-lasting impact on my blog readers. (And by long-lasting impact, I probably mean "deep emotional scarring" - read LilyOnTheLam.com at your own risk!)
For the first day of 2012, I have decided to give you masochistic lovelies (I mean, devoted readers) what you seem to appreciate best - another tale from Lily's crazy wayward dating life. I strongly recommend that you go to Village Inn (or Baker's Square) and see if they still have their artificially-flavored and crazy, ridiculously good Candy Cane Pie. Get a slice or the whole damn pie, then curl up somewhere with LilyOnTheLam.Com and enjoy this post as you ring in the New Year. Is this a blatant attempt to give people a justifiable excuse to eat pie on New Year's? Yes ... and you're welcome!
When I was 28 years old, I was living in the suburbs of Minneapolis and on and off dating a cruel, heartless bastard who I shall refer to as "Burke." Sadly for me, this on and off dating would carry on for eight years and a million calories. It was so emotionally devastating that it should be used as a case history in psychology textbooks on how low a woman's self-esteem can go. Please send electronic payments for book royalties to LilyOnTheLam@gmail.com.
It was during one of the "off periods" from Burke that I decided I was going to find a new man! I was partially successful in my quest - I found a new boy. A 20 year old who had dropped out of community college, was unemployed and was living with his parents. WIN-WIN-WIN!! Did I mention that my self-esteem was at an all-time low? Now I will shallowly admit that this boy/man was 6'5", thick head of scruffy blond-brown hair, gorgeous face and the muscled out body of a line backer. I was in lust and was willing to overlook all the screaming red flags about this guy at a chance for a serious make-out session with him. People please, I already admitted I was shallow. Stop rolling your eyes!
For purposes of this blog, let's call this guy "Escalator Boy" for reasons that will become apparent later on in this blog post. YES, I expect you to continue reading; you can read and eat pie at the same time - c'mon, you're talented!
Escalator Boy had been a star baseball player at his small high school. Which was surprising to me, since his physique screamed "star football player." His high school fame and notoriety had gone completely to his head. He assumed that his future career would be a major league pro baseball player. He was so certain of this, that he made no other contingency plans.
When college time came around, Escalator Boy was offered a full ride baseball scholarship to a local community college. (Who knew community colleges had baseball teams??) Escalator Boy was so certain that his future was to be a Major League baseball player that he figured free college was a great idea. I don't think he thought through how many pro baseball scouts are looking at the local community college. My knowledge of baseball is limited to seeing the Jonah Hill-Brad Pitt movie "Moneyball." So perhaps I am wrong, perhaps the local community colleges are teeming with eager beaver pro scouts. But I am betting that is incorrect.
Escalator Boy quickly flunked out of community college. Apparently, he didn't think he needed to study since he knew he was destined to be a Major League baseball player. Escalator Boy had been living with his parents, unemployed and flunked out of community college for almost two years before I met him. He was sadly beginning to realize that maybe he wouldn't be a Major League baseball player after all. And he didn't know how else he was going to be rich and famous. Going back to school and/or getting a job did not seem like ways to reach his goal of fame and wealth. So instead he just hung out around Minneapolis, while his friends were all in college.
One day, prior to my meeting him, Escalator Boy figured out how he was going to become rich and famous. He was going to be a singer! He would be like the boy banders - but a solo act, because seriously who wants to be dancing on stage sharing the spotlight with other guys?
Perhaps it was my great fortune (NOT!) to have met Escalator Boy during his planning on how he would be the next big singing sensation. My dates with Escalator Boy comprised of the following: Escalator Boy recounting his high school baseball victories and how he was 100% positive he'd become the next biggest singing sensation. And meanwhile, I'd be devising plans on how to get him naked. (We already covered that I am shallow. I am not going to apologize again!)
Escalator Boy was a decent singer. He had a nice voice, but it just sounded like a regular voice you'd hear in your local church choir. It was not magnificent and it had no special distinctive quality. Also, while he was attractive - he was too lumbering and big to fit the "skinny, non-sexually threatening" boy band fans. It was like shoving Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson at crowds wanting Justin Bieber.
Let's do the math here -- non-distinctive OK voice, too manly and old for the non-sexual boy band mold and no ambition to make anything happen. Not the recipe for long-lasting commercial success in the music industry.
Perhaps it was because Escalator Boy flunked out of community college that he could not do the math on his situation, although I think it was more denial. He wanted to be rich and famous. He didn't want to work hard. He thought just wanting to be a famous singer was enough to turn him into one.
Escalator Boy did have a plan though - he decided that he was going to be DISCOVERED.
Now Minneapolis, Minnesota has some great musical roots - The Replacements; Prince; The Time (who doesn't love some Morris Day??); the absolutely, positively wonderful and amazing Dan Wilson and Semisonic; Bob Mould and Husker Du; Soul Asylum; Tapes 'n Tapes; Babes in Toyland; even the wacky, wizardly wonderland of HarMar Superstar (the best artist to be named after a local mall)... but it's not like talent scouts are lurking in the bushes. Escalator Boy decided that his best way to "BE DISCOVERED" was to start singing in random places. And eventually one of these talent scouts would pop out and say "Hey kid, I'm gonna make you A STAR!"
One day, Escalator Boy and I were at the mall. (Where else do you hang out with an unemployed 20 year old who lives with his parents?) We were taking the escalator down to the bottom level of the mall, when Escalator Boy just broke out in loud song.
Now side note here - I am a wild, flamboyant personality - but I don't like to needlessly draw the attention of strangers nor be embarrassed publicly. Having this beefy 6'5" guy start singing boy band tunes loudly on an escalator at a mall was so embarrassing to me, I probably would have felt more comfortable if I was just naked in front of strangers. 97 percent of the people on the escalator looked at us like we were nuts. Yes, looked at "us" - as if the fact that I was standing next to the escalator singer made me equally as insane. (The other 3 percent were desperately trying to pretend they couldn't hear Escalator Boy.) One guy clapped his hands and said "Nice voice, man!" Escalator Boy only focused on the one compliment. He was obliviously to the people around him wondering if he was an escaped mental patient. Escalator Boy was dead certain that he was only one impromptu A Capella song away from being discovered! And that he'd be rich within a week from that date.
Lust will make you do stupid things. I went on a total of four dates with this guy and he sang in public places during three of the four dates. And not once did a talent scout come over. I had endured public humiliation, now I was ready to reap some hedonistic rewards in exchange! I had invited Escalator Boy to visit my home. We stopped at Blockbuster video first to get a movie. I didn't care what movie we saw, because in my lust-addled mind I was hoping/expecting that we'd be making out on my couch by the time the first scene started.
Escalator Boy had been intently perusing the video titles. This was probably the most productive activity he had undertaken all day and he performed his task with the deep intensity of a pediatric surgeon operating on a baby's heart. And then - EUREKA! He had found "THE movie" to make our night complete! He started jumping up and down - THIS was the movie we HAD to see! He was so excited!! He had struck gold!
What movie could have made Escalator Boy so excited? He was so giddy and so proud of himself. It was if he thought the movie in his hands would bring about world peace and everyone would get a recording contract! Was this a DVD version of Oprah Winfrey? By sliding it in my DVD player, would "YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET WORLD PEACE! YOU'RE THE NEXT SINGING SENSATION!" occur?
He definitely had my curiosity going. What could this movie possibly be? And as a big time movie fan, had I already seen it?
Smiling at me with such pride in himself, he handed over the DVD box to me. I looked down at the cover art. It was ...
Bounce with Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck.
What the f**k?
I love a good chick movie, but come on! BOUNCE? Gwyneth and Ben overcoming the odds in this "romantic drama"? Retch, vomit, retch! You have got to be kidding me!
Do you know what is a gigantic libido killer? Watching a 6'5" muscular man jump up and down at a Blockbuster video, squealing with delight that they have a copy of "Bounce" to rent. I should have faked uterine cramps and sent this guy on his way home. But part of me was still holding out hope that we would be getting freaky naked on the couch while "Bounce" was playing and therefore I wouldn't have to actually watch the movie.
We headed back to my modest suburban town home. Escalator Boy beelined straight for my refrigerator. Um, yes, welcome to my home. Help yourself apparently. He flung open my fridge and let out another childish squeal. He giddily asked me if he could have a beer. Now again, I was 28 years old. Escalator Boy was 20, under the legal drinking age in Minnesota. Do you know what another gigantic libido killer is? Having a hulking man child get all frantically excited thinking he can have an illegal beer in my home. Evidently, one of the pluses of dating an "older woman" is the potential opportunity of getting some free, illegal beer. I hoped he wouldn't start asking me to make liquor store runs for him. What on Earth was I doing with this guy?
Escalator Boy then turned on the TV and let out a noise I only hear when middle-school girls see Justin Bieber. It was a high pitched shriek of joy. What in the world could be making this particular estrogen-laden noise come from such a buff specimen of testosterone? I looked at the TV - it was some generic awards show. The kind that random cable channels put on to try to get stars to attend. I failed to see what was so fantabulous about it.
"What? What is so exciting?" I asked, already perturbed at hearing this tall, muscular man squealing like a girl. My lust was already packing its bags, ready to catch the first flight out of here.
"THE BACKSTREET BOYS ARE GOING TO PERFORM!!!!" Escalator Boy screamed!
When I look back upon this night, I repeatedly kick myself that I did not haul the guy out of my house right then and there. Because if I had, I would not have had to endure the then lecture from Escalator Boy on why "The Backstreet Boys" are the best boy band in the entire world. Nay, the universe.
I could have happily lived my entire life without ever having to hear this lecture. But no .... I sat on the couch and let Escalator Boy go point by agonizing point into why the Backstreet Boys rocked it hard.
After the Backstreet Boys performed, Escalator Boy - in a puddle of girlish glee - then was ready to watch "Bounce."
The movie sucked ... hard. Escalator Boy was ENCHANTED. I did not even get a kiss or a grope. Escalator Boy was way too into the movie to put the moves on me.
LOSE - LOSE - LOSE.
Escalator Boy was quite confused as to why I never returned any of his calls after that night. I think the greatest gift Escalator Boy gave me is that I swore off dating anyone that much younger than me. Any thoughts of being a cougar in my later years have been violently refuted by my time with Escalator Boy.
I wonder what Escalator Boy finally did with his life. Or is he still living at home with his parents trying to think of low effort ways to become rich and famous?
My wish for you, LilyOnTheLam.com readers, is that you have a happy and productive 2012, but if you're waiting for a talent scout to just happen upon you and "discover" you - get a new plan. It didn't work for Escalator Boy and it won't work for you. If you have a dream, put action behind your intentions!
And don't watch the movie "Bounce" thinking you'll somehow get a hot, sweaty make out session for it. You'll only be sadly disappointed.
Happy New Year! (And save me a slice of pie!)
I hope this New Year finds you well and not passed out in your own vomit. (Yes, I know I should be writing for Hallmark!) I have a little secret for you - I pre-wrote most of my holiday blog posts. As you are reading this, I am on the other side of the world from my home - on vacation. I look forward to posting a lot of blog posts about my latest trip when I return.
From the comments and emails I receive from internet readers, I know that many people find my restaurant reviews and new product reviews to be interesting and informative (and perhaps a little too much about Hello Kitty- ha ha!) But it's the humiliating tales of bad dates, friendships gone wrong and my overall wayward, crazy life that seem to have the most long-lasting impact on my blog readers. (And by long-lasting impact, I probably mean "deep emotional scarring" - read LilyOnTheLam.com at your own risk!)
For the first day of 2012, I have decided to give you masochistic lovelies (I mean, devoted readers) what you seem to appreciate best - another tale from Lily's crazy wayward dating life. I strongly recommend that you go to Village Inn (or Baker's Square) and see if they still have their artificially-flavored and crazy, ridiculously good Candy Cane Pie. Get a slice or the whole damn pie, then curl up somewhere with LilyOnTheLam.Com and enjoy this post as you ring in the New Year. Is this a blatant attempt to give people a justifiable excuse to eat pie on New Year's? Yes ... and you're welcome!
When I was 28 years old, I was living in the suburbs of Minneapolis and on and off dating a cruel, heartless bastard who I shall refer to as "Burke." Sadly for me, this on and off dating would carry on for eight years and a million calories. It was so emotionally devastating that it should be used as a case history in psychology textbooks on how low a woman's self-esteem can go. Please send electronic payments for book royalties to LilyOnTheLam@gmail.com.
It was during one of the "off periods" from Burke that I decided I was going to find a new man! I was partially successful in my quest - I found a new boy. A 20 year old who had dropped out of community college, was unemployed and was living with his parents. WIN-WIN-WIN!! Did I mention that my self-esteem was at an all-time low? Now I will shallowly admit that this boy/man was 6'5", thick head of scruffy blond-brown hair, gorgeous face and the muscled out body of a line backer. I was in lust and was willing to overlook all the screaming red flags about this guy at a chance for a serious make-out session with him. People please, I already admitted I was shallow. Stop rolling your eyes!
For purposes of this blog, let's call this guy "Escalator Boy" for reasons that will become apparent later on in this blog post. YES, I expect you to continue reading; you can read and eat pie at the same time - c'mon, you're talented!
Escalator Boy had been a star baseball player at his small high school. Which was surprising to me, since his physique screamed "star football player." His high school fame and notoriety had gone completely to his head. He assumed that his future career would be a major league pro baseball player. He was so certain of this, that he made no other contingency plans.
When college time came around, Escalator Boy was offered a full ride baseball scholarship to a local community college. (Who knew community colleges had baseball teams??) Escalator Boy was so certain that his future was to be a Major League baseball player that he figured free college was a great idea. I don't think he thought through how many pro baseball scouts are looking at the local community college. My knowledge of baseball is limited to seeing the Jonah Hill-Brad Pitt movie "Moneyball." So perhaps I am wrong, perhaps the local community colleges are teeming with eager beaver pro scouts. But I am betting that is incorrect.
Escalator Boy quickly flunked out of community college. Apparently, he didn't think he needed to study since he knew he was destined to be a Major League baseball player. Escalator Boy had been living with his parents, unemployed and flunked out of community college for almost two years before I met him. He was sadly beginning to realize that maybe he wouldn't be a Major League baseball player after all. And he didn't know how else he was going to be rich and famous. Going back to school and/or getting a job did not seem like ways to reach his goal of fame and wealth. So instead he just hung out around Minneapolis, while his friends were all in college.
One day, prior to my meeting him, Escalator Boy figured out how he was going to become rich and famous. He was going to be a singer! He would be like the boy banders - but a solo act, because seriously who wants to be dancing on stage sharing the spotlight with other guys?
Perhaps it was my great fortune (NOT!) to have met Escalator Boy during his planning on how he would be the next big singing sensation. My dates with Escalator Boy comprised of the following: Escalator Boy recounting his high school baseball victories and how he was 100% positive he'd become the next biggest singing sensation. And meanwhile, I'd be devising plans on how to get him naked. (We already covered that I am shallow. I am not going to apologize again!)
Escalator Boy was a decent singer. He had a nice voice, but it just sounded like a regular voice you'd hear in your local church choir. It was not magnificent and it had no special distinctive quality. Also, while he was attractive - he was too lumbering and big to fit the "skinny, non-sexually threatening" boy band fans. It was like shoving Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson at crowds wanting Justin Bieber.
Let's do the math here -- non-distinctive OK voice, too manly and old for the non-sexual boy band mold and no ambition to make anything happen. Not the recipe for long-lasting commercial success in the music industry.
Perhaps it was because Escalator Boy flunked out of community college that he could not do the math on his situation, although I think it was more denial. He wanted to be rich and famous. He didn't want to work hard. He thought just wanting to be a famous singer was enough to turn him into one.
Escalator Boy did have a plan though - he decided that he was going to be DISCOVERED.
Now Minneapolis, Minnesota has some great musical roots - The Replacements; Prince; The Time (who doesn't love some Morris Day??); the absolutely, positively wonderful and amazing Dan Wilson and Semisonic; Bob Mould and Husker Du; Soul Asylum; Tapes 'n Tapes; Babes in Toyland; even the wacky, wizardly wonderland of HarMar Superstar (the best artist to be named after a local mall)... but it's not like talent scouts are lurking in the bushes. Escalator Boy decided that his best way to "BE DISCOVERED" was to start singing in random places. And eventually one of these talent scouts would pop out and say "Hey kid, I'm gonna make you A STAR!"
One day, Escalator Boy and I were at the mall. (Where else do you hang out with an unemployed 20 year old who lives with his parents?) We were taking the escalator down to the bottom level of the mall, when Escalator Boy just broke out in loud song.
Now side note here - I am a wild, flamboyant personality - but I don't like to needlessly draw the attention of strangers nor be embarrassed publicly. Having this beefy 6'5" guy start singing boy band tunes loudly on an escalator at a mall was so embarrassing to me, I probably would have felt more comfortable if I was just naked in front of strangers. 97 percent of the people on the escalator looked at us like we were nuts. Yes, looked at "us" - as if the fact that I was standing next to the escalator singer made me equally as insane. (The other 3 percent were desperately trying to pretend they couldn't hear Escalator Boy.) One guy clapped his hands and said "Nice voice, man!" Escalator Boy only focused on the one compliment. He was obliviously to the people around him wondering if he was an escaped mental patient. Escalator Boy was dead certain that he was only one impromptu A Capella song away from being discovered! And that he'd be rich within a week from that date.
Lust will make you do stupid things. I went on a total of four dates with this guy and he sang in public places during three of the four dates. And not once did a talent scout come over. I had endured public humiliation, now I was ready to reap some hedonistic rewards in exchange! I had invited Escalator Boy to visit my home. We stopped at Blockbuster video first to get a movie. I didn't care what movie we saw, because in my lust-addled mind I was hoping/expecting that we'd be making out on my couch by the time the first scene started.
Escalator Boy had been intently perusing the video titles. This was probably the most productive activity he had undertaken all day and he performed his task with the deep intensity of a pediatric surgeon operating on a baby's heart. And then - EUREKA! He had found "THE movie" to make our night complete! He started jumping up and down - THIS was the movie we HAD to see! He was so excited!! He had struck gold!
What movie could have made Escalator Boy so excited? He was so giddy and so proud of himself. It was if he thought the movie in his hands would bring about world peace and everyone would get a recording contract! Was this a DVD version of Oprah Winfrey? By sliding it in my DVD player, would "YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET WORLD PEACE! YOU'RE THE NEXT SINGING SENSATION!" occur?
He definitely had my curiosity going. What could this movie possibly be? And as a big time movie fan, had I already seen it?
Smiling at me with such pride in himself, he handed over the DVD box to me. I looked down at the cover art. It was ...
Bounce with Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck.
What the f**k?
I love a good chick movie, but come on! BOUNCE? Gwyneth and Ben overcoming the odds in this "romantic drama"? Retch, vomit, retch! You have got to be kidding me!
Do you know what is a gigantic libido killer? Watching a 6'5" muscular man jump up and down at a Blockbuster video, squealing with delight that they have a copy of "Bounce" to rent. I should have faked uterine cramps and sent this guy on his way home. But part of me was still holding out hope that we would be getting freaky naked on the couch while "Bounce" was playing and therefore I wouldn't have to actually watch the movie.
We headed back to my modest suburban town home. Escalator Boy beelined straight for my refrigerator. Um, yes, welcome to my home. Help yourself apparently. He flung open my fridge and let out another childish squeal. He giddily asked me if he could have a beer. Now again, I was 28 years old. Escalator Boy was 20, under the legal drinking age in Minnesota. Do you know what another gigantic libido killer is? Having a hulking man child get all frantically excited thinking he can have an illegal beer in my home. Evidently, one of the pluses of dating an "older woman" is the potential opportunity of getting some free, illegal beer. I hoped he wouldn't start asking me to make liquor store runs for him. What on Earth was I doing with this guy?
Escalator Boy then turned on the TV and let out a noise I only hear when middle-school girls see Justin Bieber. It was a high pitched shriek of joy. What in the world could be making this particular estrogen-laden noise come from such a buff specimen of testosterone? I looked at the TV - it was some generic awards show. The kind that random cable channels put on to try to get stars to attend. I failed to see what was so fantabulous about it.
"What? What is so exciting?" I asked, already perturbed at hearing this tall, muscular man squealing like a girl. My lust was already packing its bags, ready to catch the first flight out of here.
"THE BACKSTREET BOYS ARE GOING TO PERFORM!!!!" Escalator Boy screamed!
When I look back upon this night, I repeatedly kick myself that I did not haul the guy out of my house right then and there. Because if I had, I would not have had to endure the then lecture from Escalator Boy on why "The Backstreet Boys" are the best boy band in the entire world. Nay, the universe.
I could have happily lived my entire life without ever having to hear this lecture. But no .... I sat on the couch and let Escalator Boy go point by agonizing point into why the Backstreet Boys rocked it hard.
After the Backstreet Boys performed, Escalator Boy - in a puddle of girlish glee - then was ready to watch "Bounce."
The movie sucked ... hard. Escalator Boy was ENCHANTED. I did not even get a kiss or a grope. Escalator Boy was way too into the movie to put the moves on me.
LOSE - LOSE - LOSE.
Escalator Boy was quite confused as to why I never returned any of his calls after that night. I think the greatest gift Escalator Boy gave me is that I swore off dating anyone that much younger than me. Any thoughts of being a cougar in my later years have been violently refuted by my time with Escalator Boy.
I wonder what Escalator Boy finally did with his life. Or is he still living at home with his parents trying to think of low effort ways to become rich and famous?
My wish for you, LilyOnTheLam.com readers, is that you have a happy and productive 2012, but if you're waiting for a talent scout to just happen upon you and "discover" you - get a new plan. It didn't work for Escalator Boy and it won't work for you. If you have a dream, put action behind your intentions!
And don't watch the movie "Bounce" thinking you'll somehow get a hot, sweaty make out session for it. You'll only be sadly disappointed.
Happy New Year! (And save me a slice of pie!)
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