Tonight, LM and I went to Ferguson Hall at the Straz Center to see adorable British comedian John Oliver. He is probably best known for his work on Comedy Central's "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart." I was excited because we had 5th row seats and I have a fetish about being up close and personal for most shows I attend. My friends call me "Seat Whore" - and I am hoping this is in reference to aforementioned said fetish and not some independently nasty slur. The last time I was at the Straz Center, I was at Morsani Hall to see Dr. Deepak Chopra. See my earlier blog post: "This Dog Loves Deepak Chopra, Do You?" The surprise that night was seeing two "diabetic service dogs" in the front row. The events that happened at the John Oliver show this evening made me severely miss those two dogs!
John's opening act was comedian Mike Lawrence - who in talking about his 7 year run working at McDonald's made me feel sad and yet crave a Happy Meal at the same time. Nice work, Mike!
The show started at 8 p.m. on a Friday. You would think most people just finished work, perhaps grabbed a quick dinner and then headed down to the Straz Center. But apparently many audience members just arrived from the local bar where they secretly replaced their entire blood supply with grain alcohol. Now, as someone who tends to dabble on the boozy side myself; I really shouldn't throw stones. After all, I had turned to LM and said "I didn't get a chance to eat dinner before the show, so I ordered orange juice with my vodka-- I figure that counts as a meal, right?" However, since I was not slurring my words or talking at the decibel level that someone screaming over a rock concert would; I feel like I can be a tad bit superior over the drunk audience members.
Midway through the opening act, a 23 year old woman and her advanced middle-aged mother sat down in the two seats directly to my right. It appeared that the advanced middle-aged woman may have possibly been one of those patrons getting an Everclear transfusion at the local bar. She clutched her plastic glass a little too tightly and was talking way too loudly. I tried to find my Zen happy place to tune her out. However, since I have an anger management issue - it gets increasingly hard to find my happy place even with Google Earth and a Garmin GPS.
After a funny, but somewhat sad, but still pretty darn funny set from Mike Lawrence, out popped the British cupcake himself - John Oliver. (I am assuming I'm probably one of the first people to ever call John Oliver a British cupcake. I'm just guessing here.) I love John Oliver's sense of humor - dry, smart, funny. I imagine that if I were at a pub with John, hoisting a few pints - by the third or fourth beer I'd lose all ability to ascertain whether he was making fun of me. And yet I'm pretty sure he would be and he'd be doing it in a smart way.
John Oliver started with some jokes on life as a Brit in America. Evidently, advanced middle-aged woman ("AMAW" for short!) had no idea who she was seeing at the Straz Center. She kept screaming at her daughter: "WHO IS THIS? WHAT'S HIS NAME? JOHN OLIVER?? REALLY?" It was as if her daughter had said "Lord Poopinsquat, Demonic Overlord of the Seventh Moon" because AMAW could simply not fathom that anyone could possibly be named "John Oliver." I was trying to decide if AMAW was really, really drunk or really, really nuts. Either way, it was increasingly apparent that this woman was going to be a loose cannon. I could hear her mentioning potential heckle comments. Seriously? There is better behavior at the local comedy club!! Did this woman actually come with her game face on to heckle John Oliver? Here's a clue lady, if you're going to heckle a comedian - at least know who you are heckling. I paid to see John Oliver because I think he is hysterical. I did not pay to hear your drunken ranting. I'm a tall girl - I'd be able to hold my own in a prison fight. I'm not afraid to knock you out lady, because seriously it would take one blow. I saw the MMA movie "Warrior" for heaven's sake. I'm ready to take you down! Did I mention my anger management issue?
If I had a time machine, I'd go back to right before John Oliver made a comment about Canada. I'd pop out of said time machine and I would throw myself on John Oliver and I would beg, with excessive tears running down my cheeks, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAN, DO NOT MENTION CANADA!"
But as anyone who has seen me try to change a light bulb knows, I am not the most technically inclined and therefore the chances of me designing and constructing a time machine are slightly better than me winning the Powerball lottery. Sigh. I apologize John Oliver, if ever there was a moment that truly needed a time machine; this was it. I let you and everyone in Ferguson Hall down tonight because I don't have a time machine.
Apparently, allegedly drunk or insane AMAW is from Canada.
The night took a bad turn, right there. AMAW put on her strongest, smartest thinking cap and after checking with her daughter again: "Um, what's his name again? John Oliver?? Really? OK. OK. JOHN - WHERE ARE YOU FROM THEN?"
Yes, AMAW asked this right after about 10 minutes of John's jokes about being British in America. Evidently AMAW does not understand the correlation between "Being British" and where someone is from. England. Great Britain. UK. Any of those work, AMAW; pick one.
The entire theater went very quiet. I kept making hand gestures and slumping in my seat to show all the people staring at us that LM and I were most certainly NOT with this crazy woman. We, minus AMAW, were a theater full of Floridians feeling embarrassed, annoyed and severely apologetic to John Oliver. I go to a ton of shows at the Tampa Improv and I have never seen a heckler this bad. But for a nationally known comedian at the Straz Center? Come on! Give the man some respect! Our entire section would cheer madly any time John made a reference to how annoying the crazy Canadian was. When I let out a frantic arm waving round of clapping and hooting when John made reference to those seated near AMAW must want to hurt her, AMAW looked at me with surprise. Seriously? Do you have no concept how disruptive and annoying you are, lady?
I eyed the people around us with beer bottles. If people decided to start throwing things at AMAW, I could only pray that they had good aim as I was directly next to AMAW's daughter and AMAW.
Turns out AMAW is named "Susan" and she is from Melbourne, Florida (Tampa breathes a sigh of relief!) and may or may not be a massage therapist. John Oliver made some well-deserved jokes at AMAW's expense, but when it came out that AMAW was with her 23 year old daughter - John, chivalrously let up and referred to the daughter as a "human shield." I was sitting on the other side of the daughter. If I had been sitting directly next to her mother, I'd be in jail right now for assault and battery. I kid you, not. John Oliver finally directed conversation away from Susan saying that continued attention on her would be like giving a 3 year old a tamborine. Amen, brother!
The rest of the show was hysterically funny, but I had to do my best to drown out the very loud talking from Susan/AMAW. She kept strategizing with her daughter on potential lines to heckle John Oliver with - but she kept forgetting his name, so she had to keep asking what it was. How hard is it to remember John Oliver? The inner debate I was having over drunk vs. crazy was tipping to the "crazy/nutso/batsh*t looney" side. Susan/AMAW was determined to get the "spotlight" back on her. Evidently, she thought she was in an audience participation show. I kept waiting for her to get up and do the "Time Warp." Instead she kept yelling out "COMMONWEALTH!" at inappropriate times. Although come to think of it, is there ever an appropriate time to yell out "Commonwealth"?
After many wonderful jokes, John Oliver was wrapping up to say "Good Night" when Susan cut in again! At this point, I'm surprised she didn't vault the stage and climb on John's back screaming "Ride 'em, Cowboy!" Did my ticket say "John Oliver with special guest star Susan, the allegedly drunk or crazy Canadian?" Watch out, Mike Lawrence-- apparently Susan thinks she's in line for your opening act slot!
The house lights went up and the entire room full of people glared at Susan, the Canadian. However with the same ambivalence of drunks and loons, Susan had no freaking clue. She thought she had MADE the evening! She was all aglow from her time in the spotlight. I could imagine Susan going home and pulling out that script she wrote for a "Golden Girls" episode and saying "SEE! SEE! I KNEW I WAS FUNNY!"
The entire six rows that sat around Susan, including LM and myself, stayed in our seats. We did not want to be anywhere near Susan the Canadian as she was leaving. I imagine this would be how we would behave in prison. We have a feeling someone is going to get shivved in the prison cafeteria and we don't want any part of the backlash, so we focus intently on our fruit cocktail instead. Once Susan was out of the theater, our six rows got up and left - shaking our heads with disbelief.
I wanted to write John Oliver a letter of apology on behalf of the city of Tampa for this Melbourne, Florida/Canadian woman's antics. Totally uncalled for, totally disrespectful and totally disruptive.
LM and I walked around the Straz Center to get to the back lot where LM's car was waiting for us. LM was making an impassioned speech on a woman's right to choose when I saw four people standing by a side door. It was Mike Lawrence, John Oliver and a man and a woman who were getting a picture with John Oliver. Directly in the middle of LM's strong point on why all women should have the right to choose, I took both hands and shoved LM in the direction of John Oliver. If shoving LM for distance was an Olympic sport, I totally would have nailed the Bronze. Possibly the Silver. I'm a little embarrassed how hard I pushed her and how far she went with my single two-handed shove!
However there was a reason for my Olympic shove. When it comes to getting pictures with celebrities, LM is the Queen - and I was NOT going to let her miss this opportunity! If you are even remotely famous, you probably have had your picture taken with LM at some point in your career. She is a "photo opportunity with celebrities" magnet! In fact, if you want to be famous, take a picture with LM. You're as good as golden.
I may have quite probably dislocated LM's shoulder in shoving her so hard, instead of merely saying "Hey look, there's John Oliver-- fancy a photo with him?" But see, I'm American - I say things with violence! (Are you listening, allegedly Crazy Canadian???) Luckily, LM understands that sometimes a shoulder needs to get dislocated in order to get a picture with a British cupcake! She's a hell of a trooper!
We bum-rushed John Oliver and explained to him and the crowd that gathered directly behind us that we were sitting next to Susan the Canadian. A collective gasp ensued. John Oliver did what I wish most of my boyfriends did -- he let out a heart-felt "Ohhhh nooooo!" (as in "Ohh noo, you poor darlings - let me hold you and make you feel better!") and wrapped his arms around us for a picture. It was like we said "we are Viet Nam veterans with post-traumatic stress disorder, please hold us and make the pain go away."
God bless the sweet British Cupcake, John gave us much sympathy! When I told him that AMAW and his daughter had spent the second half of the show trying to strategize more heckle lines to get Susan "back in the show," John Oliver shook his head and said he was now glad that he did heckle her back. Down-to-Earth and lovely, it was a pleasure to meet John Oliver.
LM looked radiant and fabulous in her picture with John Oliver. However, I'm not happy with my look in my picture. I keep thinking that flat-ironing my hair makes me look chic and cool, when in reality it makes me look like a drowned gopher. A drowned gopher grinning cheesily at John Oliver. So I am not going to post the picture, I think the visual I just gave you is enough. But I will share the adorable picture of John Oliver (with cheesy drowned gopher cropped out). John's last bit of the night was running back and forth on the stage, so he looks sweaty - but still a sweaty British cupcake is better than no British cupcake at all. He also looks appropriately crazed in this picture, which frankly is the look most men have when they wrap their arm around me.
So thank you, John Oliver - your show was fantastic. The fabulously emotionally supportive way you let two Tampa women screech about how awful it was to be seated next to the rude Canadian women obviously shows that you are a kind and caring man - or that your wife has beaten it into you on how to be comforting.
I would have loved to hear some stories about your life working with Jon Stewart (and Wyatt Cenac - the adorable American cupcake), but I understand you probably want to be known for more than just "The Daily Show." On behalf of Tampa, we are ever so sorry and embarassed by the allegedly crazy Canadian - please don't hold it against us and visit us again soon!
Update: After I published this post, the Google Ads on my blog started featuring ads for Menopause supplements. Apparently my over-use of the term "advanced middle-aged" in referring to the allegedly drunk and/or allegedly crazy Canadian has caused my blog ads to become Menopause Central. Oh Blogger.com - you are the gift that keeps on giving!
John's opening act was comedian Mike Lawrence - who in talking about his 7 year run working at McDonald's made me feel sad and yet crave a Happy Meal at the same time. Nice work, Mike!
The show started at 8 p.m. on a Friday. You would think most people just finished work, perhaps grabbed a quick dinner and then headed down to the Straz Center. But apparently many audience members just arrived from the local bar where they secretly replaced their entire blood supply with grain alcohol. Now, as someone who tends to dabble on the boozy side myself; I really shouldn't throw stones. After all, I had turned to LM and said "I didn't get a chance to eat dinner before the show, so I ordered orange juice with my vodka-- I figure that counts as a meal, right?" However, since I was not slurring my words or talking at the decibel level that someone screaming over a rock concert would; I feel like I can be a tad bit superior over the drunk audience members.
Midway through the opening act, a 23 year old woman and her advanced middle-aged mother sat down in the two seats directly to my right. It appeared that the advanced middle-aged woman may have possibly been one of those patrons getting an Everclear transfusion at the local bar. She clutched her plastic glass a little too tightly and was talking way too loudly. I tried to find my Zen happy place to tune her out. However, since I have an anger management issue - it gets increasingly hard to find my happy place even with Google Earth and a Garmin GPS.
After a funny, but somewhat sad, but still pretty darn funny set from Mike Lawrence, out popped the British cupcake himself - John Oliver. (I am assuming I'm probably one of the first people to ever call John Oliver a British cupcake. I'm just guessing here.) I love John Oliver's sense of humor - dry, smart, funny. I imagine that if I were at a pub with John, hoisting a few pints - by the third or fourth beer I'd lose all ability to ascertain whether he was making fun of me. And yet I'm pretty sure he would be and he'd be doing it in a smart way.
John Oliver started with some jokes on life as a Brit in America. Evidently, advanced middle-aged woman ("AMAW" for short!) had no idea who she was seeing at the Straz Center. She kept screaming at her daughter: "WHO IS THIS? WHAT'S HIS NAME? JOHN OLIVER?? REALLY?" It was as if her daughter had said "Lord Poopinsquat, Demonic Overlord of the Seventh Moon" because AMAW could simply not fathom that anyone could possibly be named "John Oliver." I was trying to decide if AMAW was really, really drunk or really, really nuts. Either way, it was increasingly apparent that this woman was going to be a loose cannon. I could hear her mentioning potential heckle comments. Seriously? There is better behavior at the local comedy club!! Did this woman actually come with her game face on to heckle John Oliver? Here's a clue lady, if you're going to heckle a comedian - at least know who you are heckling. I paid to see John Oliver because I think he is hysterical. I did not pay to hear your drunken ranting. I'm a tall girl - I'd be able to hold my own in a prison fight. I'm not afraid to knock you out lady, because seriously it would take one blow. I saw the MMA movie "Warrior" for heaven's sake. I'm ready to take you down! Did I mention my anger management issue?
If I had a time machine, I'd go back to right before John Oliver made a comment about Canada. I'd pop out of said time machine and I would throw myself on John Oliver and I would beg, with excessive tears running down my cheeks, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAN, DO NOT MENTION CANADA!"
But as anyone who has seen me try to change a light bulb knows, I am not the most technically inclined and therefore the chances of me designing and constructing a time machine are slightly better than me winning the Powerball lottery. Sigh. I apologize John Oliver, if ever there was a moment that truly needed a time machine; this was it. I let you and everyone in Ferguson Hall down tonight because I don't have a time machine.
Apparently, allegedly drunk or insane AMAW is from Canada.
The night took a bad turn, right there. AMAW put on her strongest, smartest thinking cap and after checking with her daughter again: "Um, what's his name again? John Oliver?? Really? OK. OK. JOHN - WHERE ARE YOU FROM THEN?"
Yes, AMAW asked this right after about 10 minutes of John's jokes about being British in America. Evidently AMAW does not understand the correlation between "Being British" and where someone is from. England. Great Britain. UK. Any of those work, AMAW; pick one.
The entire theater went very quiet. I kept making hand gestures and slumping in my seat to show all the people staring at us that LM and I were most certainly NOT with this crazy woman. We, minus AMAW, were a theater full of Floridians feeling embarrassed, annoyed and severely apologetic to John Oliver. I go to a ton of shows at the Tampa Improv and I have never seen a heckler this bad. But for a nationally known comedian at the Straz Center? Come on! Give the man some respect! Our entire section would cheer madly any time John made a reference to how annoying the crazy Canadian was. When I let out a frantic arm waving round of clapping and hooting when John made reference to those seated near AMAW must want to hurt her, AMAW looked at me with surprise. Seriously? Do you have no concept how disruptive and annoying you are, lady?
I eyed the people around us with beer bottles. If people decided to start throwing things at AMAW, I could only pray that they had good aim as I was directly next to AMAW's daughter and AMAW.
Turns out AMAW is named "Susan" and she is from Melbourne, Florida (Tampa breathes a sigh of relief!) and may or may not be a massage therapist. John Oliver made some well-deserved jokes at AMAW's expense, but when it came out that AMAW was with her 23 year old daughter - John, chivalrously let up and referred to the daughter as a "human shield." I was sitting on the other side of the daughter. If I had been sitting directly next to her mother, I'd be in jail right now for assault and battery. I kid you, not. John Oliver finally directed conversation away from Susan saying that continued attention on her would be like giving a 3 year old a tamborine. Amen, brother!
The rest of the show was hysterically funny, but I had to do my best to drown out the very loud talking from Susan/AMAW. She kept strategizing with her daughter on potential lines to heckle John Oliver with - but she kept forgetting his name, so she had to keep asking what it was. How hard is it to remember John Oliver? The inner debate I was having over drunk vs. crazy was tipping to the "crazy/nutso/batsh*t looney" side. Susan/AMAW was determined to get the "spotlight" back on her. Evidently, she thought she was in an audience participation show. I kept waiting for her to get up and do the "Time Warp." Instead she kept yelling out "COMMONWEALTH!" at inappropriate times. Although come to think of it, is there ever an appropriate time to yell out "Commonwealth"?
After many wonderful jokes, John Oliver was wrapping up to say "Good Night" when Susan cut in again! At this point, I'm surprised she didn't vault the stage and climb on John's back screaming "Ride 'em, Cowboy!" Did my ticket say "John Oliver with special guest star Susan, the allegedly drunk or crazy Canadian?" Watch out, Mike Lawrence-- apparently Susan thinks she's in line for your opening act slot!
The house lights went up and the entire room full of people glared at Susan, the Canadian. However with the same ambivalence of drunks and loons, Susan had no freaking clue. She thought she had MADE the evening! She was all aglow from her time in the spotlight. I could imagine Susan going home and pulling out that script she wrote for a "Golden Girls" episode and saying "SEE! SEE! I KNEW I WAS FUNNY!"
The entire six rows that sat around Susan, including LM and myself, stayed in our seats. We did not want to be anywhere near Susan the Canadian as she was leaving. I imagine this would be how we would behave in prison. We have a feeling someone is going to get shivved in the prison cafeteria and we don't want any part of the backlash, so we focus intently on our fruit cocktail instead. Once Susan was out of the theater, our six rows got up and left - shaking our heads with disbelief.
I wanted to write John Oliver a letter of apology on behalf of the city of Tampa for this Melbourne, Florida/Canadian woman's antics. Totally uncalled for, totally disrespectful and totally disruptive.
LM and I walked around the Straz Center to get to the back lot where LM's car was waiting for us. LM was making an impassioned speech on a woman's right to choose when I saw four people standing by a side door. It was Mike Lawrence, John Oliver and a man and a woman who were getting a picture with John Oliver. Directly in the middle of LM's strong point on why all women should have the right to choose, I took both hands and shoved LM in the direction of John Oliver. If shoving LM for distance was an Olympic sport, I totally would have nailed the Bronze. Possibly the Silver. I'm a little embarrassed how hard I pushed her and how far she went with my single two-handed shove!
However there was a reason for my Olympic shove. When it comes to getting pictures with celebrities, LM is the Queen - and I was NOT going to let her miss this opportunity! If you are even remotely famous, you probably have had your picture taken with LM at some point in your career. She is a "photo opportunity with celebrities" magnet! In fact, if you want to be famous, take a picture with LM. You're as good as golden.
I may have quite probably dislocated LM's shoulder in shoving her so hard, instead of merely saying "Hey look, there's John Oliver-- fancy a photo with him?" But see, I'm American - I say things with violence! (Are you listening, allegedly Crazy Canadian???) Luckily, LM understands that sometimes a shoulder needs to get dislocated in order to get a picture with a British cupcake! She's a hell of a trooper!
We bum-rushed John Oliver and explained to him and the crowd that gathered directly behind us that we were sitting next to Susan the Canadian. A collective gasp ensued. John Oliver did what I wish most of my boyfriends did -- he let out a heart-felt "Ohhhh nooooo!" (as in "Ohh noo, you poor darlings - let me hold you and make you feel better!") and wrapped his arms around us for a picture. It was like we said "we are Viet Nam veterans with post-traumatic stress disorder, please hold us and make the pain go away."
God bless the sweet British Cupcake, John gave us much sympathy! When I told him that AMAW and his daughter had spent the second half of the show trying to strategize more heckle lines to get Susan "back in the show," John Oliver shook his head and said he was now glad that he did heckle her back. Down-to-Earth and lovely, it was a pleasure to meet John Oliver.
LM looked radiant and fabulous in her picture with John Oliver. However, I'm not happy with my look in my picture. I keep thinking that flat-ironing my hair makes me look chic and cool, when in reality it makes me look like a drowned gopher. A drowned gopher grinning cheesily at John Oliver. So I am not going to post the picture, I think the visual I just gave you is enough. But I will share the adorable picture of John Oliver (with cheesy drowned gopher cropped out). John's last bit of the night was running back and forth on the stage, so he looks sweaty - but still a sweaty British cupcake is better than no British cupcake at all. He also looks appropriately crazed in this picture, which frankly is the look most men have when they wrap their arm around me.
So thank you, John Oliver - your show was fantastic. The fabulously emotionally supportive way you let two Tampa women screech about how awful it was to be seated next to the rude Canadian women obviously shows that you are a kind and caring man - or that your wife has beaten it into you on how to be comforting.
I would have loved to hear some stories about your life working with Jon Stewart (and Wyatt Cenac - the adorable American cupcake), but I understand you probably want to be known for more than just "The Daily Show." On behalf of Tampa, we are ever so sorry and embarassed by the allegedly crazy Canadian - please don't hold it against us and visit us again soon!
Update: After I published this post, the Google Ads on my blog started featuring ads for Menopause supplements. Apparently my over-use of the term "advanced middle-aged" in referring to the allegedly drunk and/or allegedly crazy Canadian has caused my blog ads to become Menopause Central. Oh Blogger.com - you are the gift that keeps on giving!
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