My 300th Blog Post - The Hello Kitty Hex - The Ghosts of Mad Boyfriends Past

Dear LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

Can you believe this is my 300th Blog Post?  Where does the time go?  So many blog posts, so many Sanrio Hello Kitty references, so many pieces of pie!

For this my 300th post, I choose a tale of karma, ghosts from the past and of course … my beloved Sanrio Hello Kitty.  Would you expect anything else from LilyOnTheLam.com?

So grab some Christmas cookies and some chai or eggnog or eggnog chai and get ready for this, my 300th tale …

Once upon a time, I was in a long term relationship with the spawn of Satan.  (Isn't that how all the best stories begin?)

A friend once said that if I have a friendship/relationship that is 60% good and 40% bad, I’ll pick the 40% over the 60% and dump the friendship/relationship.  I found this to be a curious statement since should anyone have to put up with 40% bad just to get 60% good?  

Like “this sandwich is 40% moldy – but 60% is good, so I guess I’ll eat the whole thing to have 60% good versus nothing.”  It doesn’t make sense to me.  

Why should anyone put up with 40% bad?  But then again I would rather be alone than be poorly accompanied … and many others would rather have someone than no one.  To each his/her own.

In my relationship with the afore-mentioned Satanic spawn, it was more like 99% crap and 1% good.  And perhaps that is why I am not interested in a 60% good – 40% bad ratio in any type of relationship – because I put up with so much bad for way too long.  The thought of enduring bad just to get good, doesn't appeal to me.  I feel like I have paid the price in spades.

I tried to extract myself from this particular relationship many times … and then something traumatic would happen to Son of Satan and I’d feel sorry for him.  Before I knew what hit me, I was drawn back in again.  First his beloved grandfather died, then his cat died, then his sister had cancer.  Always some dreadful calamity landing on this guy's doorstep.  And faster than you can say “SUCKER,”  I’d let his royal evilness back into my life.

But no matter how strong the camel, when dealing with such a heinous person – there will eventually come a heavy and hellacious enough straw that breaks the camel’s back.  

And such an event finally happened where I could finally cut ties with no remorse and no looking back – no matter how many family members and pets died.  

Upon this final event, I looked Demon Male in the eye and said “I don’t need to wish ill upon you.  You are your own worst enemy and you will fuck up your life in far greater ways than I could ever dream.”  (Um yeah, I am not the nicest person when pissed off!)  

And that, my readers, was that.  

And sure as I had declared – Evil Freak endured a long season of discontent.  It was if he had a reverse Midas touch – every thing he touched turned to crap.  I truly believe that what goes around, comes around – and Hell Boy was treated to all of his thoughtlessness magnified. 

However, I cannot revel in schadenfraude of his getting a karmic kick in the balls because the universe doesn’t appreciate a gloating glutton either.  

And let he/she without sin, cast the first stone.

I'm not throwing any stones, because recently I found myself wondering what I, myself, had done for karma to smack me in the head.  I call this tale “The Hello Kitty Hex.” 

Thanksgiving week, I was driving my visiting parents to the Seminole Hard Rock Casino.  My mother has bad luck with Landau jewelry – it is always breaking and there is no store in her home state.  In Tampa, there is a 24-7 Landau jewelry kiosk at the Hard Rock Casino.  Every visit from my mother seems to include a trip to Landau.

As I was driving, a purple and pink car decorated in Hello Kitty decals whizzed past me.  Now if you are a frequent reader of Lily On The Lam, you will know that I have a very large section of my heart devoted to Sanrio.com ‘s cute cartoon cat, Hello Kitty.  

An insanely large section of my heart.  Borderline obsession.  Inappropriate devotion.  And I am not ashamed of it!  

People have tried to mock me, but my love is so pure that their Cat Hate just bounces off me and falls to the ground.

Haters beware- nothing can tarnish my love for Hello Kitty.

I so wanted to chase after this pink and purple Hello Kitty car to take a picture, but since I was driving a very large SUV with my family inside – I thought that potentially killing us all just to get an iPhone picture of a car decorated with Hello Kitty stickers was probably not the best idea in the world.  Weeks later I am still torn over whether I made the right decision.  (Ha ha!)

I declared that seeing the Hello Kitty mobile was obviously a good luck sign from the gambling gods!  I definitely had to play the Family Guy, Sex in the City and Hangover slots at the Hard Rock Casino, because obviously fortune and Hello Kitty were both on my side!

Oh how foolish I was … I thought seeing the purple and pink Hello Kitty car was a good luck sign but now I think it had been a hex wrapped in a cute cat.  Mon Dieu!  

It’s like “88” to the Chinese is a symbol for double happiness, but in America “88” is short for “Heil Hitler.”  With the cat car sighting, I thought happiness was on my radar but in retrospect that cat car may have been sporting a tiny fascist mustache!

I went to the Hard Rock Casino with a $35 free play credit and fantasies of a big win.  I went through that $35 in about 35 seconds. 

Damn you, slot machines! 

My normal addictive personality would have thrown another $100 in after that bad $35, but since I was with my family I chose to walk away instead of unleashing the gambling demon.  I slowly and with much sorrow admitted that perhaps the Hello Kitty car was not a good luck omen, after all.

And with that tearful admission, I thought that was that. 

But the Hello Kitty Hex Car was not through with me … just yet.

The following day, I took my parents to Datz Dough for breakfast.  How could a day go wrong when you start it with a maple bacon doughnut?  Oh how wrong I could be …

We then drove to Sarasota to the Marie Selby Botanical Gardens.  I had never been before and was instantly transported into a zen state as we walked along such beautiful foliage near the Sarasota Bay.  It was gorgeous and highly recommend it – don’t forget to see the bonsai collection!

After the botanical gardens, I took my family for lunch at my favorite seafood restaurant in Sarasota – Duval’s New World Café.  We had a wonderful lunch.  Duval’s has taken my favorite napa cabbage salad off the menu.  (WHY LORD, WHY?)  But after I wailed “why no napa cabbage?” in a tone like someone had burned down my house, the chef made me the dish.  (Love you, Duval’s!)

Next stop was one of my other favorite places in Sarasota – the Ringling Estate.  We walked along the miniatures at the circus museum and I gave my own running narrative of facts about John Ringling and the Ringling Brothers circus.  

(Don’t ask me why I know so much trivia about the place.  What can I say?  I’m a circus geek.  Or just a geek in general.)

After seeing the circus museums, we headed down to the main house – the waterfront, magnificent mansion Ca' D’Zan ("House of John").  One of my favorite places in the world.  Designed like a Venetian mansion, it is a jewel. 

We stood on the waterfront terrace and soaked in the warm sun.  I closed my eyes and enjoyed the perfection of the moment.  I then slowly opened my eyes and found myself staring directly at an ex-boyfriend’s son.  My jaw hit the ground faster than you can say “Circus from Hell.”

I haven’t seen this particular wretched ex-boyfriend in quite some time – 1.5 or 2 years maybe?  I was aghast.  If the son was here, what are the chances the father would be here as well?  I wanted to jump off the back terrace and swim for safety.  

I held on to a hope that perhaps the ex-boyfriend was not with his son … but I knew that was a long shot and sure enough, a few minutes later I was face to face with the heartbreaker himself.  

Yes, at 3:30 p.m. on a Monday, I found myself in Sarasota Florida at the same time as the last guy who seriously destroyed, devastated and maimed my heart.  What the frick are the odds?  If life is going to had me a one in a billion experience, how about winning a $500 million dollar lottery?  Come on, fate!  Throw me a bone, not an asshole!

I will skip the part of the story where later in the day I crept through the galleries of the Ringling Fine Arts Museum like a cat burglar, praying that I would not run into the ex for a second time.  But my own personal philosophy is that the more ridiculous you look trying to avoid someone, the more likely you are to run right smack into them.  Which is what happened to me - for a second time in the day.

Karma was having a ball with me that day!  

I wondered what had I done for the universe to deliver me this low blow from the past.  I’ve dated several guys since this particular heinous ex, why couldn’t I have run into one of them? (A question I'd regret posing later.)  Did it really have to be the most painful recent ex?  I strained my memory – had I been kicking puppies lately?  Did I drown an orphan?  What did I do to deserve such a random knife in the gut?

The last time I had been in Sarasota with my mother, my BMW convertible had an 11:30 p.m. date with a wild pig – as in I ran over a wild pig going 70 miles per hour on I-75.  Running into the last guy who destroyed my heart, I felt that this time I was the wild oinker hit by a German luxury automobile.  Pass the bacon!  

The rest of the vacation with my family went off without a hitch – no more refugees from my love life crashing the party and eventually I forgot about the incident.

Be careful when you forget - that's when karma drops a big, steaming reminder in your lap!

A few days ago, I was taking a break from work- walking outside on a crisp, chilly North Carolina day.  The cool air felt good in my lungs.  Everything smelled so fresh and clean.  I looked down at my cell phone and noticed I had a voicemail.  I didn’t recognize the phone number.  I listened to it – it was another ex-boyfriend who I haven’t seen in quite a long time as well. 

What the hell? 

In two and a half weeks, the universe throws 2 ex-boyfriends at me?  I didn’t realize Winter 2013 was the season of Awful Ex-Boyfriends. (Is there a Hallmark card for this occasion?) 

This particular crappy ex-boyfriend was the absolute King of the Pathological Liars – and phone calls from him mean that he is in trouble and is reaching for any lifeline to drag him out of whatever disaster of his own making.  

For the record - I have zero desire to be a lifeline to a guy who couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it.   

The last I heard from him was in March.  I hadn’t talked to him in well over a year when out of the blue he calls me and says “I think we need to take our relationship to the next level.”

I found this statement to be very amusing and intriguing – because what exactly is the next level when you haven’t talked to someone in over a year? 

Evidently King Liar thought “next level” meant moving in together – or more specifically, that he should move in with me to my home.  Was this the season of Sugar Mamas?  Because I don’t remember signing up for that!

I started laughing hysterically.  I have been stupid at various points during my life, but never THIS stupid.  King Liar was homeless and was trying every woman he knew to try to charm a place to stay.  Did he really think I would want to pay his bills?  His new nickname should be King of Delusional Thinking. 

I enjoyed a deep belly laugh over his ridiculousness and told him to f*ck off.  And I thought that would be the last I heard from him.  But evidently the Hello Kitty Hex is stirring up all of the worst of my ex-boyfriends and breathing new life into them.  Thanks Hello Kitty Hex, but I don’t need the ravages of my love life revived like the inhabitants in an episode of “The Walking Dead.”

Nine months went by after the “let’s move in together” ridiculous request and now King Liar was ringing me up again.  He said that he had been thinking it over – and even though I had last told him I never wanted to hear from him again, he thinks differently and we should see each other.   

I wonder when King Liar experienced severe head trauma to think that I would be open to such an asinine request?  I told King Liar I was not interested and he seemed genuinely taken aback that I wouldn’t welcome his lying, pathetic ass back with open arms.  He was still King of Delusional Thinking.    

I told him that nothing had changed since our last conversation in March – I was not interested in talking with him.  Then I said the only change is that this time I had the upgraded iPhone software where you can block a caller.  As humorous as King Liar’s ridiculous attempts to try to charm his way back into my life are, I simply don’t have time nor stomach for his nonsense.  I told him that I was blocking him – and then I did it.  Goodbye, your majesty!

The run-in with the King of Pathological Liars didn't sting me like the prior ex-boyfriend run in did.  I was absolutely taken with the first ex - I gave my heart freely.  "Second ex" wreaked of lies and betrayal from the first moment.  He was at first a distraction and then the weight of his continuous lying was too much to shoulder.

Both the ex from the Ringling Estate and King Liar have first names that start with J-A.  Do you know what also starts with J-A?  J-A-C-K-A-S-S-E-S.  Which are what these two particular exes are.  Not that I am bitter - heh heh heh.  

I had been so excited to see that gorgeous pink and purple Hello Kitty car.  I thought it was a messenger of good tidings, good fortune and success.  

But sadly, I think this particular cat car was cursed.  

Perhaps I stole some child’s candy or made fun of someone’s beloved pet frog … for some reason the universe decided I needed to be given a Charles Dickens’ visitation – the ghost of Heart-Breaking Exes Past, the ghost of Pathological Lying Exes Past … and is there a third ghost that will be knocking on my bedchamber door? 

Can I just skip to the part where I throw a gold coin at a school kid and ask him to buy the biggest goose in the butcher shop and deliver it to the Cratchett Family?

Please?

Stay posted to LilyOnTheLam.com to see how The Hello Kitty Hex plays out … and in the meantime, I am going to be extra-nice to any people named Tiny Tim that I happen to meet. 

Happy 300th Blog Post, everybody!  Thank you so much for reading!

Maybe karma was kicking me in the ass because I put a Christmas tie on my cat