Adventures Of A Nighttime Shopaholic And A Property Damaging Kitten

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

I hope your Monday is off to an excellent start.  I have been spending a good part of my Monday fixing things that went wrong over the weekend, so I am hoping this week will go a lot smoother.

I have a confession to make.  I am a nighttime shopaholic.  The devious devils with the "one click" shopping cart at Amazon.com have been my downfall.  Because I always go with the free super saver shipping option, I am inevitably not reminded of my nighttime internet shopping sprees until two weeks after they happen.    

Eighty percent of the time I open the box and think "Did I really order this?"  One evening I opened a box and there was the book "Cat Daddy: What The World's Most Incorrigible Cat Taught Me About Life, Love and Coming Clean" by the colorfully named Jackson Galaxy.  I turned the book over and over in my hands like it was some space age wonder.  Did I really order this?  Is this a joke from one of my friends?  Did the cats learn how to use my laptop?  

Now I am primarily a non-fiction reader, so most of what I read tends to be biographies and memoirs.  Given this, it is quite possible that on a nighttime shopping bender, searching books on Amazon.com that I one-click ordered this particular biography.  However, I had zero recollection of doing so.

Here's the thing - I don't think of myself as a cat person.  I don't love all cats in this world.  I just love my cats with an insane passion.  If you bring me your cat I am not going to gush all over it and take its picture and ask it to stamp its paw like an autograph.  It's just not going to happen, cat lovers.    

When I go to the vet, I survey the other cats in the waiting room and in my head I pronounce my cats much cuter and smarter and much more likely to host their own television show than any of those other cats.  

Yes, I am the secret vet waiting room judgmental biatch.  I own it, proudly.  I'm probably judging you and your cat right now - and I'm probably finding your cat lacking in a large number of ways.  OK not probably.  I am.  I am judging you and your cat right now - and you simply don't measure up to my cats.  Someone had to tell you.  And that someone is me.  

So as a non-cat person, I have no desire to read about other people and their cats.  Zero.  Zilch.  Zip.  Until my cats release their autobiographies, my bookshelves will remain cat book-free.  

But here I was with my Amazon.com order and this book called "Cat Daddy."  Maybe I thought I had ordered the biography of some New Orleans jazz musician?  Who knows? But what am I to do in this situation?  Return it?  Nahhh-- too lazy to go to the post office.  I decided the universe must want me to read this book ... and so I did.

The book was very good.  Heart felt with a good combination of dips between laughter and sadness.  The end of the book brought tears to my eyes and I felt a vice gripping my heart.  I would absolutely recommend the book both to people with cats but also people who need a reminder that there is a better life out there - throw off your addictions and seize the day.  You'll be surprised what is waiting for you, if you do.  

As I am a robot and do not like to show human emotion, the stirring of emotions I felt over reading this book had to be processed and dispatched right away.  I instantly went to Twitter and sent a Tweet to the author of the book.  (The afore-mentioned colorfully named Jackson Galaxy - who I guess is the host of Animal Planet's television show "My Cat From Hell."  Sorry, since I am not a cat person I have never watched Animal Planet.)  

Because I think I have undiagnosed Tourette's, I tweeted Jackson Galaxy (@JacksonGalaxy) and said something to the extent of "Damn you for making me cry with the ending of your book!"

I find it is very important and productive to curse at people whom you don't know on social media.  I think any etiquette book would say that it's perfectly acceptable to do so, right?

Well God Bless Jackson Galaxy's Twitter account.  I don't know if it is THE Jackson Galaxy tweeting back ... or an assistant ... or an intern ... or a very smart cat.  But I received the absolutely most perfect reply back to my Tweet. 

"Damn you for crying!"  

If you look at the lefthand column of this webpage, you will see that I have appropriated this quote for use in publicizing my blog.  

It's been probably a year since this event happened and I purposely did not give an explanation as to why Jackson Galaxy would tweet "Damn you for crying!" to me.  

I find it more mysterious this way - what did LilyOnTheLam do?  Is she an unstable emotional beast?  (Yes.)  Did she get in a social media fight with the host of an Animal Planet television show?  (Not yet.)  Why was she crying and is Jackson Galaxy really to blame?  (Anybody's guess at this point.)

But this weekend, the moon and the stars aligned and it seemed like everything that could go wrong was going wrong.  And one of the many things that went wrong involved a certain feline kitten named Colonel Rufus T. "Chibby" Chibs.  (Don't judge me - that's his name!)  

Chibby learning how to shop online

Usually my cat Finnerty takes the prize in causing havoc in my life.  He even has his own section on this blog entitled "Why My Cat Is An A**hole."  He has bitten through one of my $80 MacBook Air power cords and is now making a run at eating another one.  I am very close to turning him into a hat.  

Well now Chibby Kitten looks up to Finnerty and evidently he has decided to join the campaign.  (Or as friends call it "The Roving Feline Ninja Death Squad Missions.")

I'm not going to indulge Chibby Kitten with a retelling of his fiendish ways.  Instead I am going to include my Facebook status and its accompanying picture ...

Chibby feigning remorse

Lily's Facebook status today that accompanies the above picture:

"Listen, I thought climbing the shower curtain was a good idea at the time.  How was I to know that I would bring down the shower curtain rod- smashing the porcelain towel rod fixture and spraying you with a billion sharp shards of porcelain?  I'm a kitten!  The sooner you get over this, the happier we will both be."

Jackson Galaxy - do you need any new stars for your television show?  I'm ready, willing and able to start shipping my cats to Hollywood.  

Happy Monday People - I hope you live in a world where cats are not trying to kill you.  I cannot say the same for myself.  Check out Jackson Galaxy's book "Cat Daddy." It's a good read that will have you both smiling and crying at times.  

Also, please pray that I live another day safe from The Roving Feline Ninja Death Squad.