Will A Village Inn Pie Get You A Hot Young Boy Toy?

Hello LilyOnTheLam.com Readers:

I am writing to you from a Trader Joe's processed food coma.     I have managed to stay away from the Trader Joe's in Sarasota - about an hour from my home, because the two times I have visited it was an extreme clusterf**k of senior citizens who don't understand the Trader Joe's concept and keep wondering where the Ritz Crackers are and also why I keep howling in pain when they run over my toes with their carts.  This is FLORIDA people, I wear flip-flops year round!  Watch the toes!

But the lure of Trader Joe's has been calling to me - I love the holiday season when TJ's (or as I think I will rebrand them - El Joe - yes I know it should be like El Jose or something but I am being hipster ironic so just GO WITH IT)... 

Anyway, anyone who is anyone knows that the holiday season (if you have a holiday in December - otherwise just replace "holiday" with December and chill) ... 

Anyway ... anyone who is anyone knows that El Joe has amazing holiday products ... if you're looking for inexpensive fun gifts - get your arse over to El Joe, pronto.  Three pack of scented bath salts?  Four pack of flavored mustards?  Cute little tins of fancy looking tea?  You could make up a gigantic gift basket that any friend, family member or co-worker would adore and it'd cost a lot less than those gift basket company offerings.  I like giving gifts and saving money - so win-win, people!

I headed down to El Joe (a.k.a. Trader Joe's) on a weeknight and it was a little less clusterf**kery than it has been before - meaning there were actual spots in the parking lot open.  Hallelujah!  And I am happy to say that no one ran over my toes with their shopping cart or walker, but I did narrowly avoid getting whacked in the shin by a woman shifting her cane to get into some sort of electric scooter contraption.  I shall deem this electric scooter thing a "Grand Mal Seizure Squirrel" (trademark pending - coming soon to a store near you.)  

I love El Joe so much that I channel my inner Dalai Lama and suppress my "I hate people" rage disorder, just to be able to get to their refrigerator chicken pot pie.  

Which by the way Trader Joe's, why do the NYC stores get refrigerator beef pot pie as well as chicken pot pie but us Floridians just get chicken?  Listen I'm not in my golden years [yet]- I can have red meat!  Steer some of those NYC trucks south, El Joe - and pronto!  

There was a woman who definitely had eyes in the back of her head, because every time I tried to get around her to reach in to the refrigerator case she shifted and blocked me.  Those Sarasota seniors are crafty and surprisingly agile too.  Since bludgeoning a woman to death in a Trader Joe's store would most likely cause me to be banned from life from all El Joe's worldwide, I went over to the cheese section until Mrs. Shifty McBlocker moved on and left the refrigerator case unguarded.  You can't beat me, Grandma!  

Anyway, this blog post is not supposed to be about Trader Joe's - I just happened to give a wee bit more backstory on why I am laying on my bed in a food coma - my dinner was a taste test of several different El Joe items that I will be blogging about in the future.  I do it all for you, dear readers!  All for you!

However, my Trader Joe's winners and losers blog posts will have to wait, for today's blog post is about a subject that is very important to older women and hot young men everywhere.  Are you listening?  (Or actually `are you reading?', but I think you get the point I am trying to make!)

The subject (and also title) of today's blog post is "Will A Village Inn Pie Get You A Hot Young Boy Toy?"  

Let me explain ... this is not a pie for prostitution undercover investigative journalism piece ... the most "undercover" I get is when I don a kicky new chapeau (see my post: Sassy Food Blogger in a Fedora).

Last December, I wrote several blog posts to be published over the course of several weeks - I was going to be in India for Christmas 2011 and New Year's Day 2012 and I didn't want to spend it trying to ask where the free WiFi was in New Delhi or Old Delhi or any Delhi.  

One of these pre-written blog posts was my January 1, 2012 post entitled "An Awkward A Capella For The New Year or When I First Discovered I Could Never Be A Cougar."  

The blog post starts out with my pie recommendation - Village Inn's seasonal Candy Cane Pie - which I sometimes call "Holiday Pie" because I am a loser who is going senile and cannot remember the correct pie name.  I was actually eating the Candy Cane Pie while writing the blog post - consider it my muse.  I like pie.  OK?  

(Side Note:  Last week, columnist and gay advocate Dan Savage, Village Inn USA - the official Twitter Feed of Village Inn restaurants and Tampa Tribune Food Writer Jeff Houck - all retweeted LilyOnTheLam (@SouthTampaLily) tweets.  That is what I call the Holy Trifecta, Ladies and Gentlemen.  I have read all of Dan Savage's books and try really hard not to squirm during some of the parts of his sex-themed podcasts - so I believe I earned that retweet in spades!)

(Side side note:  By the way if you'd like to see a picture of me looking somewhat goth and dead ... and slightly androgynous [I'm a GIRL!] - check out the wallpaper on my Twitter profile.  Nothing says "Food, Travel, Adventure and Dating Angst Blogger" like "dead" and "somewhat goth" - and uh, "slightly androgynous in pictures but not in real life.")  

Back to my January 1, 2012 post - after the pie shout out, the remainder of the blog post was the long ago story of "Lily On The Lam at the tender age of 28" - dating a 20 year old and quickly learning why I am not one who wants to be the older person (a.k.a. "the adult") in the relationship.  

(By the way, I don't want to be the young chickie in a relationship either - I'm most comfortable when the guy is my age or up to two years older - and can I just tell you how having such a narrowly defined window can suck?  Argh!)  

I learned at the tender age of 28 that I could never be a cougar ... young, pretty and stupid is not the combination that sets my heart a-pitter-pat nor my loins a-pitter-pat either.  

So back to today in good old December 2012-- I was looking back at my older blog posts for recommendations I give on my Twitter.com account (@SouthTampaLily) from "The LilyOnTheLam.Com Vault" and I re-read "my pie plus my disavowment (is that a word?) of all cougardom" (and is that a word?) blog post and my first thought was: "Hey, is it Candy Cane Pie season again?  I gotsta get me some pie!"  

One quick look at the Village Inn website confirmed that it was indeed Candy Cane Pie season once more.  Ahhh it's like Christmas came early for pie lovers!  I went out the next day to get some Candy Cane Pie - mmm, minty, chocolatey, creamy, decadent - all as I had remembered it from a year before.  Delicious times a thousand.  Mmmm... holiday time pie.  

Side Note:  The Candy Cane Pie is my 2nd favorite Village Inn seasonal pie - the first is European Truffle which usually comes out in February if I recall correctly ... Just in case you're playing "LilyOnTheLam.com" trivia at your local tavern or VFW hall.  It's not cheating, it's studying.  And there is a difference!

I am now approximately 852 years old ... give or take a decade.  I am a somewhat well-preserved vampire except I am squeamish at the sight of blood and I can walk around in the daytime ... 

And well basically all you need to know is that I am extremely old - elderly, geriatric, cryptkeeper ... and such.  

The day after I reunited with my beloved seasonal Candy Cane Pie, a 24 year old male asked me out.  What the what?  Tall, hunky and dumb as a box of under-achieving rocks.  Oh and did I mention unemployed and living with his parents?  He gave me this song and dance about how he is really looking for a relationship - someone - just one girl - he can give his heart to ... except he didn't say it that eloquently - I am not entirely sure he graduated high school.  But he was pretty.  

I am a very cynical 852 year old.  I squinted at him incredulously with an  "Are you looking for a girlfriend or a sugar momma?  Shouldn't you be channeling all this energy into finding a job?  Get yourself on the right track first before trying to pull someone else into your world?" gaze.  But since he has the IQ of a box of rocks that got left behind many many grades and now console themselves with one too many bong hits, Mr. Genius did not understand the message in my squint.  Evidently I'd have to "use my words."

Living in Florida, there are many older men and women who look for the young, dumb and somewhat innocent for their mates -- and usually in such a predatory fashion that I wonder if the older crowd is bathing in the blood of the younger crowd hoping that it's the true fountain of youth.  (Watch who you go home with, young ones!)  

But for me, dating someone much younger than I am does NOT make me feel young and vital - it just makes me feel old and out of date.  Like when I say "where were you during the Civil War - no no, not the Spanish one - the American one ... boy that was a hum-dinger!"  The young ones just don't get my references!  Of course I've never tried bathing in their blood ... maybe something for the 2013 "to do" list ...  

At age 28, I knew I could never be a cougar and it seems nothing has changed for me at the ripe old age of 852 years old (and a half...)  

I gracefully turned down the cordial, eloquent, almost Elizabethan-style invitation for a date ("Uh, you wanna go out sometime cuz you're really pretty.")  

Once a non-Cougar, always a non-Cougar is definitely one of my life philosophies ... but I had to wonder about the correlation.  A year ago, I had a piece of Candy Cane Pie and wrote about dating a younger man in my youth.  Then a little shy of a year to the day, I have another piece of Candy Cane Pie and another hunky, tall, young man (who surprisingly looks like the twin of the guy I dated way back when I was 28) presents himself at my feet.  Coincidence?

It is a wonderful pie, but will it get you laid?

I had this cold, creeping sensation ... like I was in a re-run of "Friday the 13th: The Series" starring John D. LeMay, a woman who went only by the name Robey (real name: Louise Robey, who in real life is also the Countess of Burford) and Chris Wiggins.  

Did I somehow manage to get a cursed Candy Cane Pie last year?  Did someone make a deal with the devil - sold their soul in exchange for a magical pie that brings hunky, young hotties who want monogamous relationships to their doorstep?  And then in a low-budget TV twist, I ended up with the pie instead?  Is this "The Case of the Cursed Pie?"  Is it like the nursery rhyme but instead of four and twenty blackbirds, I am getting 24 year old boys?  Am I the nouveau nursery rhyme?  (And if so, where is my cut of the money?)  

Is there someone out there hunting me down because I ended up with their cursed Candy Cane Pie?  Ohhh this has TV movie of the week written all over it, baby!  As if I need one more thing to be famous over ... (I am an international celebrity in my own mind!)

So back once more to the title and subject of this blog post - Will A Village Inn Pie Get You A Hot Young Boy Toy?

The skeptic in me says that no, it won't.  In fact too much indulgence in pie will probably strain your love life - whether with young or old hotties.  Unless they're chubby chasers - then by all means, my apologies and another slice of pie for you!  

But then again, you never know when you'll get a cursed pie and suddenly be catapulted into a Canadian-made horror TV show from 1987.    

It may be worth having a slice of Candy Cane Pie at Village Inn just to check it out, regardless.  Heck, this could be Village Inn's new ad campaign ... 

(I want my cut of the money, Village Inn - not just compensation in PIE ... OK I want that too, but in addition to not in lieu of hard dollars!)

The only thing I know for sure is that the Candy Cane Pie at Village Inn is only available for a limited time and it's darn tasty.  Whether you'll get a hot, young, dumb, hunky boy toy is up to you and the stars and the curses and probably the size of your pocketbook ...  Best wishes either way!

P.S.  For those readers who found this blog post by typing in hot, young and some other choice words - take a cold shower!

P.P.S.  Have a real life story of a cursed dessert increasing your love life?  Tell us all about it in the Comments section!  

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