Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:
Way back in October 2012, I wrote a post about my friend's husband who I refer to as "The DW" (short for "The Dog Whisperer" - I won't explain why he has this nickname, because I want to force you to read the old post and increase my click count! I'm evil, I tell ya!)
The 2012 post was about The DW and his "Big Green Egg" grilling system contraption/space machine. I enjoy this old post because it combines my two favorite things - grilling and admissions of my own personal insanity.
It seems that every three years, I am legally required to write about "The DW" (although let's be honest, the post is ALL ABOUT ME, loosely disguised as being about someone else ... so here goes ... catch ya next time in 2018, DW!)
When I was young (about 974 years ago), I had a photographic memory. However each year I aged (sadly and unattractively!), I seemed to lose a little more of this amazing memory. I recall in high school French class I could visualize what page number certain vocabulary words were listed on in my textbook but I might not be able to remember the actual English translation.
(Which by the way was not a great hinderance because I learned that if I spoke English but with an abrupt nasally accent and a look of haughty disdain, usually the French would understand me. This also may be why they hate Americans ... just a thought.)
As I continue to age I find that my brain only holds on to the most trivial of memories. In fact, I have several friends who tend to interrogate me for details - none of which my brain feels important enough to remember.
At some point during the interrogation I usually let out a shriek and scream "NO, NO, I DON'T KNOW! I HAVE A "ONE IN, ONE OUT" POLICY FOR MY BRAIN! IF I REMEMBER WHAT COLOR SO AND SO'S COUSIN'S HUSBAND'S DENTIST'S SWEATER WAS; I WON'T REMEMBER HOW TO DRIVE TO VILLAGE INN!"
And if you know anything about LilyOnTheLam, forgetting how to get to the 24 hour pancake restaurant would be a fate worse than death!
It has actually become quite amusing what I choose to remember and what my brain just doesn't have the bandwidth to retain. A perfect example is a little tidbit that I am pretty sure I have held onto for several years now.
"The DW" attended graduate school on the East Coast of Florida. One very innocent day, he posted a picture or a link or made reference to an ice cream parlor he liked on the eastern coast of Florida on his Facebook page.
That ice cream parlor? Jaxson's Ice Cream Parlour and Restaurant of Dania Beach, Florida. The mention of this ice cream parlor (or "parlour" if you enjoy an extra "u" - and really, who doesn't enjoy a superfluous "u" on occasion?) embedded in my brain like a diseased tick. No sharp tweezers were going to pull the thought of an ice cream parlour from my brain.
Jaxson's makes homemade ice cream and serves it in ridiculously large serving sizes. I may not be able to name all the Amendments to the US Constitution, but my brain thought it was absolutely imperative to remember the name of this ice cream parlour/parlor in case I was ever near Dania Beach, Florida.
Several years went by and then suddenly one day I found myself in Miami. Which with my lifestyle, this is not an odd occurrence to find myself in other cities. Like the old movie "Sybil," I find myself just waking up in other cities.
Two weeks ago I was in Raleigh-Durham. I woke up in a hotel and had absolutely no idea where I was, who I was or what this whole world was all about.
It took about five minutes for me to figure out that I am LilyOnTheLam (which is pretty awesome).
I was in a Doubletree Hotel (yay free cookies!).
I was in North Carolina. (Um, ok.)
I was on a business trip for work. (Pfft - annoying.)
And most importantly, I had packed everything I needed.
WHEW! (Oh and I still remembered how to drive to the nearest pancake house! Double whew!)
But for this particular trip to Miami, I was on a mission to go to the Brazilian consulate. I was desperately trying to get the officials to change their currently 5 week visa processing time to 2 weeks as I have to go to Brazil for work. (Where are my free cookies?)
My face was a combination of sadness, devastation and yet hopeful optimism regarding the potential levels of kindness and compassion of Brazilian consulate workers.
For the record, this was exhausting.
Ninety percent of the time, my face is in permanent "bitchy resting face" - so trying to mold my hardened features to approximate some level of hopefulness, caring and kindness is quite a feat. I'm worn out just thinking about it!
Even though I arrived 15 minutes before the Visa office opened, I was like 40th in line for the two hour window that the Brazilian visa team was entertaining in person visits.
I will say that the guard at the door was extremely nice, but that's really all I will say about my experience at the Consulate until I get my Visa! Kidding! JUST KIDDING!
Lucky for me, I brought a big book. Unlucky for me, the book was a lame rip off of "Fight Club" and annoyed me more than the "2 open windows for 100 people" Brazil visa line.
Side note: As of the writing of this post, I have still not received my Brazilian visa - BUT I AM OPTIMISTIC! That's all I can be right now.
After the ordeal at the Brazilian consulate, my selective memory whispered out to me: "Hey, you're on the East Coast of Florida - how about you check out that place The DW mentioned on Facebook 97 years ago? The one with the ginormous bowls of ice cream?"
When I am sad, frustrated, blue, angry or whatever - five words always make me smile.
Ginormous
Bowls
Of
Ice
Cream
I grabbed my GPS and set out to chart my course to this mythical sounding "Dania Beach, Florida." Thanks to DW, this day in Miami did not have to be a total disaster. There were calories that needed to be ingested and new pockets of fat that needed to blossom on my body! To Jaxson's Ice Cream Parlour - STAT!
As I drove, I wondered what kind of homemade ice cream I would like to try. (Pre-planning a BINGE is sooooo important!) I knew that Jaxson's had a "kitchen sink" dessert - a gigantic vat of ice cream for four people that cost around $50. Since I wasn't wearing my "stretchy pants" or a disguise, I thought that getting the "gigantic dessert for four people for one" was probably not the best idea.
I mean, it's actually kind of a great idea but also it just begs for someone to take a picture and suddenly I am "Stressed Bitchy Resting Face Elderly Woman Devours Mega Sundae for Four After Annoying Brazilian Consulate Workers. Video of the Horrific Gluttony at 11 p.m." It's like my own personal immersion into Honey Boo Boo land.
So maybe a dessert known to be a heroic feat for four people was not the sensible caloric choice for this lone gal from Tampa. (Just maybe.) But I did know that whatever I ordered at Jaxson's, I wanted marshmallow topping on it. I am not a giant marshmallow topping fan, so I can only assume I was having some sort of marshmallow deficiency that day. It's like anemia, but marshmallow related. I'm pretty sure I read something like that on WebMD.
I arrived at Jaxson's and was mesmerized by the circus like decor (which by the way, was my SECOND circus like restaurant I had visited in 2 days in the greater Miami area - everything is better under a "big top tent." I'll write about my experience at Donut Divas - yes it's called "Donut Divas" in a later blog post!)
I soon noticed that "The DW" had failed to mention Jaxson's sells Hello Kitty merchandise. Evidently "The DW" doesn't share my ravenous love of all things comically cat-ish.
I sat down with the HUGE Jaxson's menu. All the food seemed to be super-sized. It was like The Cheesecake Factory menu on steroids. At heart, I didn't want a one pound hot dog or a hamburger bigger than my head ... I just wanted a sundae.
So I decided to throw out modern convention and just ordered a sundae as my entire lunch.
The waitress asked "Do you want a free bowl of fresh popcorn with that?"
"Well yes, sure." I wasn't a savage after all. Now my lunch had both food groups represented - popcorn and ice cream. My diet is so healthy!
Now Jaxson's has a huge list of homemade ice cream flavors, but I have to admit that when the waitress came over I totally panicked.
There were just TOO MANY CHOICES! There was a section titled "HUMONGOUS OFFERINGS." Seriously? "Spectacular Goblets ... Colossal Parfaits ..." and a giant section devoted just to HOT FUDGE SUNDAES.
How could I be expected to choose something on my own? Do the good people at Jaxson's not understand how feeble-minded I am? I need to have the court appoint a guardian just to help me make ice cream choices in my best interest! A "Guardian Ad Whipped Cream," I believe is the correct legal term.
I could NOT decide. My head was spinning. Why, why, why was life so difficult?
My eyes scanned the list of sundaes and I chose one of the top ones on the list - because it had marshmallow topping and pound cake. Who can say "no" to pound cake???
The sundae I ordered was called "Two On A Blanket" which sounded a little too sexual for me but also reminded me of sausage rolled up in a pancake (Pig In A Blanket). I wondered if my sundae would be topped with a sausage instead of a cherry?
For the record, the Jaxson's menu describes the "Two On A Blanket" sundae as two cuts of pound cake with scoops of chocolate and vanilla ice cream, hot fudge, marshmallow, toasted almonds, whipped cream and cherries. It's like a description of heaven.
What seemed like two seconds later, the waitress brought out THIS ...
Now I could lie to you and say that this sundae looks large because of the cropping of the photo or the moon's gravitational pull on the Earth, but I respect you and this sundae too much to turn to lying now.
THIS SUNDAE WAS FREAKING HUGE!
If anything the picture above doesn't do justice to how freaking mammoth this sundae was ... I seriously shrieked "OH MY LORD JESUS" when I saw it. Other patrons oohed and ahhhed ... all eyes were on me and this monster sundae.
When the waitress set the "Two On A Blanket" down on the table, the sound of the THUD from the heft and weight of this sundae could be heard in neighboring counties! Gee, I am glad I also have a giant bowl of popcorn just in case I get hungry!
The American flag toothpicks inserted into the top of the sundae served two purposes for me. One, proof that I may be a glutton but I am a patriotic glutton.
And two, I felt like I was doing my own exploration to the summit of Mount Ice Cream. Instead of writing a book like Krakauer's "Into Thin Air," the depiction of my ice cream mountain odyssey was more "Into Fat Belly."
But a noble and worthwhile trek, nonetheless ... or at least that's my opinion!
The vanilla ice cream was your normal standard vanilla ice cream. But Jaxson's homemade chocolate ice cream was the stuff of a chocoholic's fevered dream.
It was SO RICH, SO CHOCOLATEY, SO GOOD.
I just kept shoveling the whipped cream, nuts and marshmallow topped chocolate ice cream into my mouth and making noises that I am ashamed to admit to here.
Let's just say my fellow patrons at Jaxson's were significantly scandalized by the noises emerging from my ice cream coated mouth. I also think they did an "I'll have what she's having" order as well!
This sundae was amazing. The marshmallow topping was thick and marshmallow-y. The pound cake was soft, fresh and buttery. The ocean of whipped cream was lush and delicious -- and the toasted almonds were toasted, crunchy perfection. This sundae was a WINNER.
The year 2016 will be Jaxson's SIXTIETH anniversary. In a time where restaurants seem to come and go in a blink of an eye, it is good to know that a place that serves gigantic sundaes is still giving Florida it's all!
I would like to return to Jaxson's next year and try another one of their ginormous sundaes in honor of their 60th anniversary. I think if I start working out today and don't stop until 2016, I may just burn off the calories I ingested from just a mere portion of my giant Two On A Blanket sundae. (A girl can dream!)
The moral of this story is that as one gets older and more things fight for space in our consciousness, do yourself a tremendous favor and only hold on to the information that serves you well.
And in this case, the information that serves me the best is the location of a homemade ice cream parlor that serves portions as big as my body! Thank you DW for turning me on to this Ice Cream Wonderland!
If you're on the east coast of Florida, make it a priority to check out Jaxson's Ice Cream Parlour ... but don't forget to bring your stretchy pants and extra stomach!
Way back in October 2012, I wrote a post about my friend's husband who I refer to as "The DW" (short for "The Dog Whisperer" - I won't explain why he has this nickname, because I want to force you to read the old post and increase my click count! I'm evil, I tell ya!)
The 2012 post was about The DW and his "Big Green Egg" grilling system contraption/space machine. I enjoy this old post because it combines my two favorite things - grilling and admissions of my own personal insanity.
It seems that every three years, I am legally required to write about "The DW" (although let's be honest, the post is ALL ABOUT ME, loosely disguised as being about someone else ... so here goes ... catch ya next time in 2018, DW!)
When I was young (about 974 years ago), I had a photographic memory. However each year I aged (sadly and unattractively!), I seemed to lose a little more of this amazing memory. I recall in high school French class I could visualize what page number certain vocabulary words were listed on in my textbook but I might not be able to remember the actual English translation.
(Which by the way was not a great hinderance because I learned that if I spoke English but with an abrupt nasally accent and a look of haughty disdain, usually the French would understand me. This also may be why they hate Americans ... just a thought.)
As I continue to age I find that my brain only holds on to the most trivial of memories. In fact, I have several friends who tend to interrogate me for details - none of which my brain feels important enough to remember.
At some point during the interrogation I usually let out a shriek and scream "NO, NO, I DON'T KNOW! I HAVE A "ONE IN, ONE OUT" POLICY FOR MY BRAIN! IF I REMEMBER WHAT COLOR SO AND SO'S COUSIN'S HUSBAND'S DENTIST'S SWEATER WAS; I WON'T REMEMBER HOW TO DRIVE TO VILLAGE INN!"
And if you know anything about LilyOnTheLam, forgetting how to get to the 24 hour pancake restaurant would be a fate worse than death!
It has actually become quite amusing what I choose to remember and what my brain just doesn't have the bandwidth to retain. A perfect example is a little tidbit that I am pretty sure I have held onto for several years now.
"The DW" attended graduate school on the East Coast of Florida. One very innocent day, he posted a picture or a link or made reference to an ice cream parlor he liked on the eastern coast of Florida on his Facebook page.
That ice cream parlor? Jaxson's Ice Cream Parlour and Restaurant of Dania Beach, Florida. The mention of this ice cream parlor (or "parlour" if you enjoy an extra "u" - and really, who doesn't enjoy a superfluous "u" on occasion?) embedded in my brain like a diseased tick. No sharp tweezers were going to pull the thought of an ice cream parlour from my brain.
Jaxson's makes homemade ice cream and serves it in ridiculously large serving sizes. I may not be able to name all the Amendments to the US Constitution, but my brain thought it was absolutely imperative to remember the name of this ice cream parlour/parlor in case I was ever near Dania Beach, Florida.
Several years went by and then suddenly one day I found myself in Miami. Which with my lifestyle, this is not an odd occurrence to find myself in other cities. Like the old movie "Sybil," I find myself just waking up in other cities.
Two weeks ago I was in Raleigh-Durham. I woke up in a hotel and had absolutely no idea where I was, who I was or what this whole world was all about.
It took about five minutes for me to figure out that I am LilyOnTheLam (which is pretty awesome).
I was in a Doubletree Hotel (yay free cookies!).
I was in North Carolina. (Um, ok.)
I was on a business trip for work. (Pfft - annoying.)
And most importantly, I had packed everything I needed.
WHEW! (Oh and I still remembered how to drive to the nearest pancake house! Double whew!)
But for this particular trip to Miami, I was on a mission to go to the Brazilian consulate. I was desperately trying to get the officials to change their currently 5 week visa processing time to 2 weeks as I have to go to Brazil for work. (Where are my free cookies?)
My face was a combination of sadness, devastation and yet hopeful optimism regarding the potential levels of kindness and compassion of Brazilian consulate workers.
For the record, this was exhausting.
Ninety percent of the time, my face is in permanent "bitchy resting face" - so trying to mold my hardened features to approximate some level of hopefulness, caring and kindness is quite a feat. I'm worn out just thinking about it!
Even though I arrived 15 minutes before the Visa office opened, I was like 40th in line for the two hour window that the Brazilian visa team was entertaining in person visits.
I will say that the guard at the door was extremely nice, but that's really all I will say about my experience at the Consulate until I get my Visa! Kidding! JUST KIDDING!
Lucky for me, I brought a big book. Unlucky for me, the book was a lame rip off of "Fight Club" and annoyed me more than the "2 open windows for 100 people" Brazil visa line.
Side note: As of the writing of this post, I have still not received my Brazilian visa - BUT I AM OPTIMISTIC! That's all I can be right now.
After the ordeal at the Brazilian consulate, my selective memory whispered out to me: "Hey, you're on the East Coast of Florida - how about you check out that place The DW mentioned on Facebook 97 years ago? The one with the ginormous bowls of ice cream?"
When I am sad, frustrated, blue, angry or whatever - five words always make me smile.
Ginormous
Bowls
Of
Ice
Cream
I grabbed my GPS and set out to chart my course to this mythical sounding "Dania Beach, Florida." Thanks to DW, this day in Miami did not have to be a total disaster. There were calories that needed to be ingested and new pockets of fat that needed to blossom on my body! To Jaxson's Ice Cream Parlour - STAT!
As I drove, I wondered what kind of homemade ice cream I would like to try. (Pre-planning a BINGE is sooooo important!) I knew that Jaxson's had a "kitchen sink" dessert - a gigantic vat of ice cream for four people that cost around $50. Since I wasn't wearing my "stretchy pants" or a disguise, I thought that getting the "gigantic dessert for four people for one" was probably not the best idea.
I mean, it's actually kind of a great idea but also it just begs for someone to take a picture and suddenly I am "Stressed Bitchy Resting Face Elderly Woman Devours Mega Sundae for Four After Annoying Brazilian Consulate Workers. Video of the Horrific Gluttony at 11 p.m." It's like my own personal immersion into Honey Boo Boo land.
So maybe a dessert known to be a heroic feat for four people was not the sensible caloric choice for this lone gal from Tampa. (Just maybe.) But I did know that whatever I ordered at Jaxson's, I wanted marshmallow topping on it. I am not a giant marshmallow topping fan, so I can only assume I was having some sort of marshmallow deficiency that day. It's like anemia, but marshmallow related. I'm pretty sure I read something like that on WebMD.
I arrived at Jaxson's and was mesmerized by the circus like decor (which by the way, was my SECOND circus like restaurant I had visited in 2 days in the greater Miami area - everything is better under a "big top tent." I'll write about my experience at Donut Divas - yes it's called "Donut Divas" in a later blog post!)
I sat down with the HUGE Jaxson's menu. All the food seemed to be super-sized. It was like The Cheesecake Factory menu on steroids. At heart, I didn't want a one pound hot dog or a hamburger bigger than my head ... I just wanted a sundae.
So I decided to throw out modern convention and just ordered a sundae as my entire lunch.
The waitress asked "Do you want a free bowl of fresh popcorn with that?"
"Well yes, sure." I wasn't a savage after all. Now my lunch had both food groups represented - popcorn and ice cream. My diet is so healthy!
Now Jaxson's has a huge list of homemade ice cream flavors, but I have to admit that when the waitress came over I totally panicked.
There were just TOO MANY CHOICES! There was a section titled "HUMONGOUS OFFERINGS." Seriously? "Spectacular Goblets ... Colossal Parfaits ..." and a giant section devoted just to HOT FUDGE SUNDAES.
How could I be expected to choose something on my own? Do the good people at Jaxson's not understand how feeble-minded I am? I need to have the court appoint a guardian just to help me make ice cream choices in my best interest! A "Guardian Ad Whipped Cream," I believe is the correct legal term.
I could NOT decide. My head was spinning. Why, why, why was life so difficult?
My eyes scanned the list of sundaes and I chose one of the top ones on the list - because it had marshmallow topping and pound cake. Who can say "no" to pound cake???
The sundae I ordered was called "Two On A Blanket" which sounded a little too sexual for me but also reminded me of sausage rolled up in a pancake (Pig In A Blanket). I wondered if my sundae would be topped with a sausage instead of a cherry?
For the record, the Jaxson's menu describes the "Two On A Blanket" sundae as two cuts of pound cake with scoops of chocolate and vanilla ice cream, hot fudge, marshmallow, toasted almonds, whipped cream and cherries. It's like a description of heaven.
What seemed like two seconds later, the waitress brought out THIS ...
THIS SUNDAE WAS FREAKING HUGE!
If anything the picture above doesn't do justice to how freaking mammoth this sundae was ... I seriously shrieked "OH MY LORD JESUS" when I saw it. Other patrons oohed and ahhhed ... all eyes were on me and this monster sundae.
When the waitress set the "Two On A Blanket" down on the table, the sound of the THUD from the heft and weight of this sundae could be heard in neighboring counties! Gee, I am glad I also have a giant bowl of popcorn just in case I get hungry!
The American flag toothpicks inserted into the top of the sundae served two purposes for me. One, proof that I may be a glutton but I am a patriotic glutton.
And two, I felt like I was doing my own exploration to the summit of Mount Ice Cream. Instead of writing a book like Krakauer's "Into Thin Air," the depiction of my ice cream mountain odyssey was more "Into Fat Belly."
But a noble and worthwhile trek, nonetheless ... or at least that's my opinion!
The vanilla ice cream was your normal standard vanilla ice cream. But Jaxson's homemade chocolate ice cream was the stuff of a chocoholic's fevered dream.
It was SO RICH, SO CHOCOLATEY, SO GOOD.
I just kept shoveling the whipped cream, nuts and marshmallow topped chocolate ice cream into my mouth and making noises that I am ashamed to admit to here.
Let's just say my fellow patrons at Jaxson's were significantly scandalized by the noises emerging from my ice cream coated mouth. I also think they did an "I'll have what she's having" order as well!
This sundae was amazing. The marshmallow topping was thick and marshmallow-y. The pound cake was soft, fresh and buttery. The ocean of whipped cream was lush and delicious -- and the toasted almonds were toasted, crunchy perfection. This sundae was a WINNER.
The year 2016 will be Jaxson's SIXTIETH anniversary. In a time where restaurants seem to come and go in a blink of an eye, it is good to know that a place that serves gigantic sundaes is still giving Florida it's all!
I would like to return to Jaxson's next year and try another one of their ginormous sundaes in honor of their 60th anniversary. I think if I start working out today and don't stop until 2016, I may just burn off the calories I ingested from just a mere portion of my giant Two On A Blanket sundae. (A girl can dream!)
The moral of this story is that as one gets older and more things fight for space in our consciousness, do yourself a tremendous favor and only hold on to the information that serves you well.
And in this case, the information that serves me the best is the location of a homemade ice cream parlor that serves portions as big as my body! Thank you DW for turning me on to this Ice Cream Wonderland!
If you're on the east coast of Florida, make it a priority to check out Jaxson's Ice Cream Parlour ... but don't forget to bring your stretchy pants and extra stomach!
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