Gather Ye Rosebuds ...

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers: 

My Monday was long and chaotic, which is pretty much my usual work mode in the new job.  I had some levity mid-day texting with a charming man I will refer to as "Mr. Gehegten," which brought a smile and a must needed respite from trying to calm down people lost in a sea of business process transformation.  

When finally my work day came to an end, I went to my personal laptop and pulled up CNN.com.  I saw news reports that alleged that actor/comedian Robin Williams had killed himself earlier in the day.  I sat staring at the screen.  Surely this was a mistake, right?

Whenever I hear of someone killing themselves - whether a local resident or celebrity, I always have the same reaction in the first few seconds.  The feeling that "we" as in some "universal we" fell asleep on the job.  

I picture all the world's human inhabitants as forming a safety net - to hold, to cradle and to protect each other.  When I hear that someone has killed themselves, I feel like somewhere there was a break in the net.  That we lost someone we were charged to protect.  That they fell through.  

On one hand, I can understand someone wanting to decide when to go - when to leave this world on their own terms.  But I can't help but think how many people regretted the decision too late.  I watched the horrifically mind-blowing documentary "The Bridge" which shows people jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.  I remember watching one man talking on his cell phone, seemingly laughing - and then in the next instance he hurled himself off the bridge.  There are only a few survivors from a jump from that great height and many regretted jumping after they took the leap.

I know that during particular bad bouts of PMS when my body chemistry and hormones are raging that I cannot see anything past the current moment.  Everything seems bleak and annoying and awful.  But if I make it past that moment, it's like coming out of a fog.  Everything seems so much better.  So with suicide is it a calculated, well-informed decision or is it a hasty maneuver made at the lowest point?  Regardless of the root cause, it is very sad to me.

I grew up watching Robin Williams in a variety of roles.  I know many comedians have a tortured soul, so I was not surprised to hear of his addictions.  I still was in awe of many of his performances.

Monday night after hearing the news about Robin Williams, I went on iTunes and rented "Dead Poets Society."  I haven't watched it in years namely because it makes me very sad.  Even the ending, bittersweet, does not take away the sting.  Watching it while thinking of Robin Williams' last day on Earth, made it even more bittersweet.

I was graduating high school the first time I saw "Dead Poets Society."  The character played by Robert Sean Leonard feels he is trapped by his father's expectations of who he should be, career-wise.  He feels he has no out - either do what his father wants or else.  

Whereas I, personally, on the other hand was 2 months away from leaving for college in another state.  Suddenly I would have no parental supervision and could, within reason, really do anything I wanted.  For better or for worse, I was technically "an adult."  And I remember that this scared the crap out of me.  I was overwhelmed by it all.  It was hard to "seize the day" when the only thing I felt seizing was my heart in my chest, with panic.  

I know many people wish they were younger or could go back in time and redo moments of their lives.  Whereas for me, I am quite content to not be in that moment.  When I think back to this particular time in my life, I remember so much fear of the unknown.  I desperately wanted some sort of reassurance that all would work out OK and that my actions in the present wouldn't screw me completely over in the future.  

But there are no guarantees in life and sometimes even the worst situations brought weird rewards down the road.  As Mr. Gehegten told me, you cannot plan certain things - you just have to see what happens.

The one thing that made me smile when "Dead Poets Society" came out, despite it's bittersweet, sad ending is the heroic love of poetry.  I used to write poem after poem.  That stopped when I finished high school.  It wasn't a deliberate choice.  I just stopped.  I continued to write, but it was as if my poetry "phase" was over.  I might have had to write one for a college English class but my heart was no longer in it.

But every now and again, I still read poetry - some classics, some modern day.  I have William Carlos Williams' "This Is Just To Say" memorized (it's very short) from when I recited it in 11th grade English class.  My own personal life motto comes from Rainer Maria Rilke's  "There are no classes in life for beginners; right away you are always asked to deal with what is most difficult."  

And my first love, the French poet Arthur Rimbaud:

It is found again
What? Eternity.
It is the sea
Gone with the sun.     

Even through the melancholy sadness both old and present day, I enjoyed watching "Dead Poets Society" again.  It was like a trip to the past - which has both joy and sorrow. 

The film had its 25th anniversary in June.  I hate that this occasion of a great film is now marked by a sad end to a great life.  Forever a footnote in the history of the film.  But I suspect Robin Williams' life will far outshine the manner in which he chose to exit the stage.

I am glad for the life I have led, even though it may not be the one that I set out for myself or dreamed of all those many years ago.  I am glad to not be so scared of the future or making a mistake.  Whether time has created confidence or apathy, I am not exactly sure but I do know I am not the paralyzed scared soul.

I end this post with some more Rainer Maria Rilke ... I could read his words a million times and still feel the meaning pulsing through each syllable.

Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final