Blame It On Anderson Cooper!

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers!

It has been a LONG time and I do apologize for my unannounced hiatus from the blogosphere.  I can't believe it's been over a month since I last blogged - and yes, I have received your emails and Tweets wondering why no Lily On The Lam!  

And in the time I have been away, my blog post with my recipe for Nutter Butter Cheesecake Truffle Balls has been unceremoniously bounced from the Top Ten favorite posts of all time.  

I can't believe it!  You guys like my bad painting blog post and my cooking class with Chef Floyd Cardoz blog post more than you like my recipe for Nutter Butter Cheesecake Truffle Balls??  

Sigh ... must be a health food craze!  

But I will admit that the cooking class with Chef Floyd Cardoz blog post does have one of my absolute favorite LilyOnTheLam.com opening lines: "For the record, I must emphatically state that Top Chef Masters 2011 winner Floyd Cardoz does not give me menstrual cramps."

That's some sweet, sweet poetry; my dear readers.

I know you must be wondering why I dropped off the face of the blogosphere ... or perhaps you are a savvy reader and noticed the title of today's blog post "Blame It On Anderson Cooper."  

If you guessed that Anderson Cooper is somehow responsible for my absence from blogging, you get a gold star.  

(And by saying you get a gold star, it doesn't mean I'm going to buy you one and send you one.  It's a figure of speech, people.  Don't send me gold star requests!)  

Anderson Cooper was supposed to be in Tampa, Florida this Sunday, September 23, 2012 to do his "Anderson Cooper 360 World View" show at my local performing arts center, The Straz Center.  I was so excited to hear that Anderson Cooper was gracing crazy old Tampa with his silver fox presence that I actually bought a membership to the Straz Center so I could get access to the pre-sale.  I wanted seats as close as possible to Mr. Anderson Cooper!

I was on vacation in Vancouver, British Columbia at the time and I woke up super early so that I could log on to the Straz Center website at the exact moment of the East Coast pre-sale.  Anderson Cooper, that is what one would call dedication.  Especially if you knew how much I hate waking up early.  

My mania paid off and I got a ticket for Row BB, Seat 14 ... for those of you unfamiliar with the Straz Center's Morsani Hall seating chart - that is 2nd row, dead center.  Or as I call it: "Anderson Cooper Stalking Distance."  I was beyond happy with myself.  It may take me 3 weeks to do my laundry, but I am on it like a hyper monkey when it comes to getting good show seats.

So then a few weeks ago, Miss LM finally made it back to Tampa after a whirlwind tour of the Midwest.  She wanted to take me out to dinner, drinks and a movie as a belated birthday present.  Who am I to say "no" to dinner, movie, drinks and GIFTS?  However when we got to the restaurant, Miss LM looked at me with sympathy in her warm eyes, paused, took a deep breath and then said in a soft, kind voice: "I have some bad news for you."

Now as someone who grew up watching the soap opera "The Young and The Restless" during summer vacations at my Grandmother's house, I took the obligatory gasp and overly dramatic body shudder, pushing myself away from the table.

"Whaaa--what is it?" I asked in hushed falsetto.  I was certain Miss LM was going to tell me that my evil twin had become a stripper ... again.    

Miss LM's shoulders fell and she said softly "Anderson Cooper cancelled his show."  

WHAT? MOTHERFRICKER WHAT?  SILVER FOX DID WHAT?  WHO AM I GOING TO KILL FIRST ON MY RAMPAGE WHAT?  WHAAAAAAAAT?

I was stunned.  Now Miss LM is a social media fiend - she has the pulse of everything going on in entertainment.  But of course I jumped feet first into denial ... obviously Miss LM, the know all be all in entertainment news, has to be wrong ... she's been misinformed.  There's no way she could possibly be correct.  Anderson Cooper would not do this to me.  I have a ticket for Row BB Seat 14, for frick's sake!  NOOOOO!

I shrugged it off.  Miss LM was clearly wrong.  This was some mindf*ck she was trying to perpetuate on me and I was not going to fall for it.  

Denial runs deep.

But when I got home, I went online and sure enough there were news reports ... yes, news reports ... that Anderson Cooper had cancelled!  Two weeks later (hello... slow??), I received a letter from the Straz Center informing me that Anderson Cooper had cancelled the show and a refund would be issued.  (Sure, but what about my broken heart?)

I shook the envelope looking for a handwritten note from Mr. Anderson Cooper himself, explaining why he had chosen to plunge my life into a vat of sorrow and heartache where no silver-haired foxes in tight black Prada t-shirts held court.  

I mean, come on ... if he was going to cancel his show in Tampa, certainly he would have taken the time to write me - the girl in Row BB, Seat 14- an explanation ... and a heart-felt apology ... and perhaps an invitation for afternoon tea.  Right?  

I kept shaking that envelope until my wrist went numb.  No explanation.  No apology.  No Anderson Cooper.  GASP!  What kind of crazy world is this?  

I was lost in a sea of misery and despair.  No Anderson Cooper.  No explanation.  How could I go on?  And more important for you, LilyOnTheLam.com readers - how could I go on blogging?  When your faith in a silver-haired news caster/daytime personality is shattered; how do you gather the pieces of your once happy life and move on?  "Ain't no sunshine when Anderson Cooper's gone ..."  

For those of you who might suspect this is all a hoax, here is proof that I paid a ridiculous amount of money to be in 2nd row, dead center, Anderson Cooper stalking distance- my ticket to the show:

ROW BB, SEAT 14 FOR FRICK'S SAKE!!!

Wait, wait - if you're a frequent LilyOnTheLam.com reader you know that I am the world's worst photo stylist.  Other than my self-awarded award winning "Monkey and Rachel Dratch book" picture, I am pretty hopeless as a photo stylist.  

Let me try to better showcase my ticket to the Anderson Cooper show that will never be ...

Ah yes... my Anderson Cooper ticket with a bottle of bacon-flavored vodka and a Star Wars Princess Leia holding a gun t-shirt on my new red drum table from The Iron Pelican Antiques and Home Decor in St. Petersburg, Florida.  Now THAT says it all!  

Someone needs to tell this pink ticket that Ms. Lily has been denied an audience with Mr. Anderson Cooper!!!

So you see, dear LilyOnTheLam.com readers, when you ask where I have been for over a month and why I haven't been blogging and why I evidently have foresaken you all ... I will point you to CNN and the silver-haired fox himself and say "Blame It On Anderson Cooper."  If he hadn't broken my heart, I would have been blogging self-awarded award winning blog posts until your eyes begged for mercy. 

But instead, I was institutionalized for severe Anderson Cooper withdrawal and depression.  (What?  You didn't know that Tampa had a facility solely dedicated to the treatment of Anderson Cooper-related issues?  Duh!)  

I write my LilyOnTheLam.com posts from my beautiful, pulsating heart ... and when Anderson Cooper smashes your heart, no new blog posts will be written.  The birds stop chirping.  The world stops turning.  All color fades from the horizon.  You're left talking to yourself, muttering "Row BB, Seat 14!"

Thanks a lot, Anderson Cooper ... my readers have had to go without LilyOnTheLam.com and it's all your fault.  I blame you.  They blame you.  The world blames you.  You not only cancelled your show.  You managed to cancel my blog for over a month.  For shame!

Or ...

Hmmm, could there be other reasons why I was absent?  Kidnapped by aliens perhaps?  

Well ... in addition to my severe heartache by the unexpected show cancelling of a one Mr. Anderson Cooper, I had a few more reasons as well ... 15 and counting ...

1) my home city was taken over by Republicans for the Republican National Convention - and since I live right near the convention center it was like living in a police state!  Oh the horror, the horror!  And how did all those Republicans manage to keep really big, puffy hair and not sweat one drop in full suits and ties?  It's a mystery!

2) I had a short, maddening fling with the 2nd hottest man I have ever dated (oh and you're so lucky I only post tasteful [clothed!] pictures on this blog, sir!)

3) I received a promotion at work, tripling my workload for the same pay (thanks Corporate America!)

4) I was traveling.

5) I was partying (who keeps ordering the double vodka tonics????)

6) I was lazy.

7) I gave up my cable TV to try to do better things with my time - like read more and write my blog.  I read two books and then decided to watch the entire 14 seasons of the original TV show Dallas ... I am on season 8 now, which is the season before the "Dream Season" - God give me strength to make it through!!!

8) I was 5th row center for Comedy Central's The Daily Show's first taping in Tampa for the Republican National Convention and ever since then I have been drawing little hearts with "I love Jon Stewart" on my Trapper Keeper.  That's kept me way too busy to blog.

Yep, that's me with the hands in the air clapping ... 2nd time in a month I was on TV - I am a bonafide STAR!

9) I was working on my tan.

10) I have been half-heartedly training for a 5K run - I've walked a half-marathon but running is not my strong suit.  I have been one sweaty, awful mess.  

11) I watched an episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" and had an aneurysm.

12) I've been redecorating my living room, "faux porch" and dining area - my look is a hybrid of Morticia Addams' boudoir mixed with Mad Hatter-Moroccan.  Expect to see my space in a top design magazine soon!

13)  My college friend Hot-lantan Nicky G spent 2 months in Tampa on a work project and then disappeared, so I have sat in a dark room crying softly, waiting for him to come back.

14) I've been busy building a voodoo doll of a psycho, awful woman who needs a smack on the head ... several smacks ...

and last but not least ... 15) I have been busy planning four- yes FOUR, upcoming vacations.  The blog title says "on the lam" people - I have to honor my blog persona!

But finally I am back on my blog now ... with a vengeance!  Or with bells on!  Or with a song in my heart and a skip in my step!  Or with keys on my Mac Powerbook!

Have you missed me?  I have missed you!  Thanks for hanging in there for my unintended blog hiatus.  And thanks for reading.  As always, I welcome your comments and feedback.  

And Anderson Cooper, I'll be waiting on that apology letter ...

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