Don't Ask For Whom The Conch Blows, It Blows for Thee - Part Three of Day Six in the British Virgin Islands

Hello LilyOnTheLam.Com Readers:

This is Part Three of Day Six of my vacation in my British Virgin Islands!  Yes, an epic three blog posts on ONE DAY - but hey it was Valentine's Day!  Now if you've been reading my other BVI posts, you'll know that I have been having some compatibility problems between blogger.com and my iPad, so the pictures that accompany these blog posts will be posted in a couple weeks - so read now and check back later for the pictures!

When we last left our BVI heroines, Squidge and Lily were at the Leverick Bay hotel beachfront bar.  Squidge, lover of ginger beer, ordered a Dark and Stormy.  I went back to my favorite BBC - Bailey's Irish Cream, Banana and Coconut.  We were enjoying the sun when a gentleman in a Captain's hat and orange tropical shirt walked by.  Squidge and I snapped our necks to attention.  Squidge looked at me, with eyes wide and said "Is that Michael Beans?"  I squinted across the bar and said "I think so - it's been four years since I have seen him."  We watched as bar patrons got up and extended their hands to shake hands with the man.  Squidge took this as proof positive that it was Michael Beans.

Now for those of you wondering "Who the heck is Michael Beans?" - let me pause and fill you in.  "The Legendary Michael Beans" is a local BVI entertainer and philanthropist.  Think Jimmy Buffet but in Pirate Gear who says "Arrrrrrrrrrr" a lot.  Michael Beans does an interactive Happy Hour show that is a must see in the British Virgin Islands.  Sitting at a table with my happy toes in warm sand with people all around us in Pirate Gear, shaking bottles filled with rocks as our own maracas to play along with Michael Beans' guitar and harmonica.  

But what makes Michael Beans even more special to me on my trip to the BVI is that my shipmate on the Yacht Promenade, Miss B, is Michael Beans' number one fan.  In fact she has her own code name, "The Bean Stalker."  She loves Michael Beans in a deep and personal way.  She has a poster of him at her house and she thinks he is the most handsome man.  When we boarded the Yacht Promenade, Miss B announced that Michael Beans is looking more and more like George Clooney every day.  The rest of our shipmates, who have seen Michael Beans, shot each other puzzled looks - George Clooney?  Miss B sighed with a contented smile and said "He's soooo handsome."  Ever since that proclamation, at various parts of the trip each of our shipmates had imitated the deep sigh and the "He's sooooooo handsome" refrain.  Squidge and I practically use it as our "good night" to each other.  

Michael Beans is also a philanthropist - he has an organization called "Pirates with a Porpoise" (yes Porpoise-- ARRRRRRRRR!)  Money raised is now helping 171 children in Haiti go to school and get fed two meals a day.  So not only are you having an amazing time enjoying Michael Beans' Happy Arrrrrrrrrrr pirate Happy Hour show, you can also donate money to help children.  Talk about a win-win.

When you travel with Miss B, the talk of Michael Beans comes quite liberally ("He's sooooo handsome!").  Not only did we have some Michael Beans songs playing and preparatory conch blowing practice, but we marveled at how we would be spending our Valentine's Day with the man Miss B's husband calls her boyfriend.  Could it be more perfect?  

So Squidge and I were there at Leverick Bay, seeing a man that we were pretty sure was Michael Beans.  He walked up to the pirate-themed stage and was sound-checking the equipment.  Feeling quite tipsy after I believe five frozen drinks at this point, I toddled off through the sand to the beach stage.  I asked the gentleman doing the sound check "Are you Michael Beans?"  He looked at me and said "I will be in about an hour (when the show starts)."  I laughed (did I mention I was tipsy?) and said "Our friend -- who is your number one fan - is coming to the show tonight.  Could you give her a shout out?"  He asked who my friend was and I said Miss B's name.  He looked thoughtful and sincere and repeated Miss B's name twice and then said "Hey, you don't mean THE BEAN STALKER, do you?"  My face lit up - Michael Beans remembered Miss B!  I jumped up and down (did I mention I was tipsy?) and said "YES! YES!  THE BEAN STALKER!"  He was very happy to hear she would be at the show and said "bless her heart" for her love and support of his music.  

Michael Beans also recommended that we reserve a table so Miss B could sit up close.  I was very grateful for the recommendation because my liquor-addled mind was not thinking logistics.  I asked the waitress if she could put a reserved sign on a table for us - she asked me my name and I said, please write down Miss B's name, the Bean Stalker.  The waitress wrote down: "Miss B Bean's Stocker."  Close enough!

A good-looking, but cheesy and drunken boat Captain started trying to make conversation with me when he heard me say "Bean Stalker."  But honestly I could have said "Chili cheese Fritos" and this Cheesy Captain would have somehow found his way into the conversation.  He was probably early to mid 30's, tall, tan and lanky - but he just breathed and sighed "DOUCHE BAG."  While he was good-looking, I knew any time spent with this man would be no good.  I had visions of waking up from a rufie coma in the hold of some boat with all my orifices violated.  Not exactly what you want in a vacation!  I headed back to the table and told Squidge of the exchange.  We then watched Captain Cheesy Douchebag work his charms on a sunburned tourist in a tropical halter and matching long skirt.  Squidge and I took bets on whether the Captain could close the deal.  Eventually the Captain and the tourist left together.  But then we noticed a few minutes later, the Captain jumping on a small fishing boat and leaving alone.  Or at least I hope he was alone ... maybe the tourist was laying on the floor amidst tackle boxes.

At this point in the day, with my head spinning, I realized it was probably best to switch to water.  I was laughing uncontrollably at EVERYTHING and Squidge was shooting me the "You're a sloppy drunk" looks.  We were waiting until the Yacht Promenade came into Leverick Bay - as the rest of the boat went for a dive while Squidge and I went to The Baths.  The Michael Beans Happy Arrrrrr show started at 5 p.m.  I surmised that Captain Chad would probably bring the guests in at 4:59 p.m. - didn't he know the importance of Michael Beans to Miss B?  I told Squidge that Miss B would be very happy that we had a table reserved.

The great thing about sailing on Yacht Promenade is that it is always easy to find the boat amidst all the sailboats.  I have never ever seen another trimaran in the BVI - and the Yacht Promenade has two masts which makes it easy to spot between the bevy of single-masted, mono hulls.  I told Squidge to look for three hulls and two masts and she'd be able to spot the Promenade right away.  And sure enough, Squidge yelled out - I see it coming!  From the distance, we watched Felix on the bow of the boat assisting with the anchoring.  Eventually, we saw Miss B, Miss E and Miss D in the dinghy with Felix.  They were dressed in Caribbean colors - hot lime green, cool turquoise and a coral pink.  They were all beautiful for Michael Beans.  ("He's sooooo handsome!")

I greeted the dinghy while Squidge held the reserved table.  I grabbed Miss B's hand to help her up on to the dock, however in her excitement to see Michael Beans - her leg went forward instead of climbing up and she smacked her leg against the dock.  But that was not going to slow down Miss B.  She was very grateful that we had a table reserved, because as I had anticipated she had been quite nervous that we would not get good seats since they were arriving a minute before the show started.  Squidge and I went back with Felix on the dinghy so we could shower and then catch the second half of the Michael Beans show.  Miss M, having seen Michael Beans at least 12 times, decided to stay on the boat.  She and the crew enjoyed strawberry and chocolate daiquiris and a snack for Happy Hour.  Squidge and I showered in record time and had Felix take us back to Jumbie's beach bar for the Michael Beans show.  We only missed about 35 minutes of the two hour show.  

I live in Tampa Bay which has an annual pirate festival called Gasparilla.  In keeping with the pirate theme, I have a gray shirt with gold and silver bling in the shape of a skull.  I knew it would be the perfect shirt for the Michael Beans show.  Miss B was very happy that I represented with the pirate theme.  The Michael Beans show is very interactive.  The guests on the Viking Storm all wore Viking helmets.  A large family from Denmark, celebrating their Grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, all wore paper pirate hats.  Michael Beans invited people to come up and tell their favorite pirate jokes.  A Colorado woman from the Viking Storm sailboat told a joke I had never heard -- "How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?"  Answer - "A buccaneer (a.k.a. a buck an ear.)"  

Squidge received her official Michael Beans indoctrination - she was shaking her shaker and shouting ARRRRR!  On one song, the audience all waved their hands in a swishing motion.  For another song, we did our own version of the YMCA gesticulations while singing "Down in Soper's Hole." (A location near the West End of Tortola.)

Toward the end of the Happy Arrrrrrrrrr came the moment of truth - the men's and women's conch blowing contest.  Miss E was at the ready!  The men went first.  The Danish man celebrating his 50th wedding anniversary blew the conch for 50 seconds.  We all cheered both his breath capacity AND his reaching the magic number 50.  However the winner on the men's team was a young trumpet player from Colorado who blew the conch for 78 seconds.  

By the time the women blew the conch, Michael Beans was not officiating as well as he should.  Miss E totally won the women's conch blowing contest with 40 seconds of blowing but the screaming Danish friends and family insisted it was a tie.  (Hey Denmark, STOP CHEATING!)  So Miss E good-naturedly agreed to a "blow off."  Miss E blew the conch again in a solid, strong blast of noise.  The Danish woman made what we call "conch farts" - a pathetic, disruptive stream of toots, toots, toots - and the Danish fans declared the Danish woman the winner.  I declare again - CHEATERS!

Michael Beans was selling souvenir pennant flags that he would autograph for you.  Miss B, Miss E and Miss D went up to get their pictures taken with Michael Beans.  Squidge and I decided that we could live our life without having a picture taken with Michael, so we stayed at the table and watched the sheer look of joy and ecstasy on Miss B's face as she posed for a picture with Michael Beans.

Felix came back on the dinghy and joined us for a beer before we hopped back in the dinghy to head back to the Yacht Promenade.  We could see Michael Beans still standing on the beach talking to fans.  Then we heard someone blow the conch.  Miss B yelled out "I'll blow it in the morning, Michael!"  Then she looked bashful and said "Ohhh that sounded naughty."  We all burst out in hysterics at her unintended sexual innuendo.    I, being classy and discreet, immediately told Miss M and the crew about Miss B's promise to blow it in the morning in mega-decibel tones.

Captain Chad was working the grill for dinner - grilled tuna steaks, potatoes and a light, fluffy blueberry cheesecake for dessert.  The grilled tuna steaks were bigger than our heads and none of us could finish our portions.  Miss E handed out Valentine's themed boxes of Sweet Tarts.  How nice of her to bring us a Valentine's from the States!  I wish I had done something as well - but all I could think about were chocolates that would melt in the BVI heat.

From somewhere in the dark night, we heard someone blowing a conch shell.  Miss B grabbed the conch from the cockpit of the trimaran and blew back.  A promise in the night for her beloved Michael Beans on Valentine's Day.

But since Miss B could not spend the rest of the evening with Michael Beans, we made due with the next best thing - our singing crew member Felix and some night fishing.  Felix had baited the poles and Squidge caught two big fish right away!  Hard to believe she had never been fishing before she boarded the Yacht Promenade and now she caught two in rapid succession.

Michael Beans' boat was moored down a ways from us.  Even in the pitch black night, we saw Michael Beans boat pulling up anchor and starting to sail away.  He has a large boat and we wondered how he could navigate in the dark.  Felix grabbed the spotlight and we shined mock morse code messages at Michael's boat as we yelled "Michael, come back!  You forgot Miss B!!!"

Squidge was falling asleep while holding her fishing pole.  I told her to go to bed.  The two easy caught fish had misled us.  Neither Miss B, Felix or I caught anything - even while Felix was using Captain Bazza's "Rod of Success."  Felix started singing Rod Stewart songs to go with the "Rod of Success."  Then he moved to Phil Collins songs.  Felix has a very nice voice.  I would join in, but my voice sounds like someone is strangling a parrot - a parrot with a really bad singing voice.

Felix told us stories of life in his home on the island of Domenica (not to be confused with the Dominican Republic, all you Americans who did not get a proper geography class).

It was a cooler night, so Squidge and I kept the overhead hatch in our cabin open to take advantage of the night air.  After we both settled in to our bunks, we heard the sudden patter of a strong rain.  I leaped out of the bunk to close the hatch.  Squidge popped open one eye and said "Nice work!" before falling asleep.

And our Valentine's evening in the BVI came to an end.